Slept with 'brother in law'

[YellowLellow]

SIL got a new boyfriend just before lockdown in March, I knew his name was 'Tom' (it's not but equally as common a name) but nothing else. The first time we saw her after lockdown I asked about him in front of her and DH, genuinely interested and happy for her. That night I got home and checked her Facebook friends just out of curiosity and felt absolutely fucking sick when I realised it was a guy I'd slept with before. I still haven't mentioned it to her or DH, hoping it would go away and they'd break up (I know that's cruel) but I just didn't want to deal with it. The second time I saw her I was so anxious he'd turn up and DH kept asking me what was wrong and I pretended I was feeling sick. I didn't ask her about him once the whole day and actively didn't participate in any conversations they had that involved his name. Thankfully he wasn't there.

DH has since met him twice, I bailed at the last minute both times pretending I wasn't well. DH went down again yesterday to visit her and his mum, and he came back chuffed to bits saying that SIL is pregnant and they're engaged.

What do I do? Is this not as big a deal as it is in my head? I'm so anxious I could throw up every time I think about it, which is pretty constant. The ONS was in 2012, it was ages ago, but the thing is not only is it horrific to have slept with my future brother in law, the night is a really bad memory for me. It was the only one night stand I have ever had where I'd met them that night and didn't know them, and it really affected me. I had just got out of a long term relationship and it just felt so wrong, he stopped at one point and said he didn't want to continue if I wasn't into it at which point I apologised and said I was, and went with it. For years after I wished I'd stopped at that point. I got home and showered about 7 times and felt really low for weeks. I don't blame him, he checked on me, but it was just a bad experience for me and I don't want to be faced with it.

I'm really torn. DH knows about all my serious relationships, we've never gone into details of casual things besides me telling him that I had one ONS and hated it so much I'd never do it again. I just can't believe it's such a small world and such shoddy luck that it's this guy.

This is long and rambly and embarrassing to post but I feel like everyone's going to hate me and I don't know how to handle it.

Oh OP I have real sympathy for you it's not a pleasant place to be....years ago I had a ONS with someone whilst I was at Uni (also cringy/awful/felt I'd made an idiot of myself), anyway I graduated, moved areas met a lovely man (now DH) and on my first visit to meet his parents spotted a photo on the wall.....

Just tell your DH. You have nothing to feel bad about, it was ages ago, and I honestly bet there are few posters here who haven’t had a regrettable one night stand at one stage. (When I started my current job I realised I had slept with one of my now colleagues!)

If SIL is engaged/pregnant Tom is going to be around long term, and regardless whether he remembers you or not, you are not going to be able to keep feeling unwell when he might pop up. Imagine having to skulk about when the baby’s born - not because you have any reason to feel guilty, but because you have made yourself feel like you did something wrong.

If it makes you feel any better, when we moved to this house I thought I recognised the man next door as a person I had a brief, ill-advised fling with in my early 20s. I agonised about it for ages, then eventually “confessed” to DP, who was like, oh, ha ha, awkward. It turned out not to be the guy after all, so all that angst was for nothing.

(I too thought this was going to be a much juicier thread than it is.)

Your definitely over thinking it. It might of been your only ONS but I doubt it was his.

I’d tell my DH, but I know not everyone would, I have friends who have kept their past experiences secret from their spouses, but i hate secrets between me & DH because I’ve been burnt in the past. I also don’t see why he should have an issue with someone I slept with before I knew him. I don’t think he would either, even if it was his new BIL. We both have pasts and although we’ve never gone into details we have exchanged embarrassing and funny stories.

I’m trying to work out how a poster guessed at your age before you had made any mention of it.

🤔

OP, I think the reason this has got such a hold on you is that you are seeing it through the filter of your 18-year-old self, the one who was devastated by a break up and looking for comfort/validation/something through a ONS. It didn’t feel good at the time and you associate this guy with a sad period of your life. But remind yourself you are a different person now - you are older and wiser, have a DH and a presumably good life. So you can see this through those eyes now instead. Your past self had an experience that was upsetting, but your present self doesn’t need to carry it with them and fixate on it.
And it is very likely true that what was a significant event for you was just a ONS for ‘Tom’, and he may not really remember it at all. Plus he is probably a very different person now to whoever he was 8 years ago, so there’s that. You definitely have not slept with your BIL :)

I would tell your DP if you think he can handle it sensibly, so that you have some support if you struggle with the memories it brings back of that time. Then just meet them as you normally would.

I would not say anything to SIL or new man, if he shows signs of recognising you then discreetly agree with him that least said soonest mended, or just say he is mistaken. I doubt he will want to bring it up.

I don't think you having slept with him back then is a big deal, but if I was SIL I would rather not know. The bigger deal is how you felt about that night, it obviously did affect you for some time. Might it help to remember that those feelings weren't to do with him? It sounds like you would have felt that way no matter who it was, it's just random that it happened to be him. Seeing him as a real person rather than just associated with that night might help to break the association, just try to think that to all intents and purposes it was someone else that night, just a stranger.

It's a quick moving relationship, isn't it? Met, pregnant and engaged in 6 months? Maybe lockdown intensified things.

Just tell him the guy looks a lot like a ons you had - then go from there

You need to tell your DH.

I think you should tell your DH. At our wedding rehearsal, my chief bridesmaid met DH’s best friend who was groomsman. She was horrified and ran out. Turned out they’d dated during their teens and slept together. She made a huge fuss about not telling her husband and had a freak out. He laughed it off and told his wife who also laughed.
You know your DH and what his reaction would be OP.

Tell DH.
My DH had a ONS with one of his sisters best friends just before we met. This friend is very close with my SIL and we as a family spend ALOT of time with her (birthdays, kids parties..). It was awkward at first when he told me but I got over it pretty quick, I'd be upset if they had kept it from me and it was all hush hush around me all the time.

I am all for openness and being honest but in this situation I think I would try and blank it from my mind and pretend I had never met him.
Your Sil has not known him long, she is pregnant and engaged, she really might not take it well. Difficult though, as I would not at all like to keep something like this from my DH.
I can just imagine that both you and the man pretending to yourselves and everyone else that you don’t remember each other might be the easiest way forward under the circumstances. Or telling your DH but acting with the man as though you don’t remember.
It just seems such a delicate time with your SIl pregnant, that it might be blown out of all proportion. You know your family though OP, do you think your Sil would just shrug it off ? ( I think I would find it hard in her position ).
Really feel for you.

Have you considered your sister’s fiancé may not want to discuss this either? Just meet him and stay cool.

I tend to go for all out honest in all situations, so I would probably have shrieked ‘BLOODY HELL IVE SHAGGED HIM’ the minute I saw his picture. That said, I’ve not had all that many encounters, yet there are still a few I’d struggle to remember 8 years on... so I think come clean or brazen it out - your choice! But above all, don’t worry - it’s not a big deal

So what if you had sex with him. I'd ignore it, meet him, say hello. Highly unlikely he'd out the pair of you

Your plan needs to be telling your OH do he understands why you’re acting crazy and NEVER mentioning it to SIL or soon to be BIL. If you’re lucky he will have had a thousand ONSs and he’ll have zero memory of you. Over time you won’t be so stressed about it.

I bet he hasn't even given you a second thought and probably won't even recognise you. He's probably had loads of women since. It seems like your SIL is happy with him and expecting his baby, so doesn't need her relationship marring by a ONS that you had years ago that as more than likely sailed into oblivion.

I recon if you met him and got the first saying straight away "ah hello Tom so nice to finally meet you, I've heard so much about you" then he might soon catch on that you intend to keep this quiet and I'm sure he wouldn't want any awkwardness and will go along with it and then you can both live your lives pretending that what happened in 2012 never happened and then there will be no obvious awkwardness between family

Not telling DP wouldn’t be an option for me.

But my plan would definitely be to pretend I had no idea who he was to everyone else.

This was years ago and you were only 18. He probably doesn’t even recognise you. If you keep quiet and continue to avoid him then others will think you’re acting suspicious. If this ONS wasn’t abusive then there’s no need to feel scared and/or ashamed. Just laugh it off with your DH.

Honestly this isn't a big deal. I slept with my dh best friend, it was before I met dh and it was only one time. None of the parties involved cared. He was also the best man at my wedding, and almost slipped a joke into his speech about it. Had be talked out of that one quickly as dh grandparents probably would have been shocked.
Just laugh it off, and move forward.

I'd have said as soon as I realised.
It was a long time ago, won't come as a huge shock unless you keep up this pretence of being sick, it will only make things worse.
So, for your sisters sake, put it to one side and tell them all.
It can't be as bad as how you are feeling now.

If I'm honest, I don't think I'd recognise my own (first) husband if I met him on the street now. I was 20 when we married, and he was 10 years older than me. This was in the 80s and we were married for four years. I certainly wouldn't recognise any one-night-stands, unless they introduced themselves to me . I understand it's difficult to not overthink things if you suffer from anxiety generally, and this one-night-stand obviously happened when things were bad for you and it's associated with that period. But please, for your own peace of mind, accept that the SIL's partner isn't likely to remember that night as being a traumatic event, and may not recognise you. Can you not just meet him (again) as your SIL's partner and [as if he's] a new person in your life?

OP I can totally understand the anxiety this might cause -- I would also find this unbearably awkward and traumatic.

But without meaning to be unkind, you are overthinking it and it will be much easier than you realise.

Firstly I'd be amazed if the fiance hadn't already put two and two together: he will have seen pictures of you by now and if he remembers you at all (which is questionable) he will know and will probably already have concluded from your two cancelled meet-ups that you are awkward.

Secondly I'd talk to your DH: as others have said its not a biggie that you slept with someone before you met him but the longer it goes on before you tell him the more likely he is to be suspicious and make into something its not in his own head.

I'd bet any money the fiance will will keep his mouth shut and your sister will never have to find out.

You'll meet him eventually and it will be so much easier than you realise. After two or three meetings it will be forgotten.

You've waaay overthinking this - act as if you have no idea who he is (or call his bluff and say "oooh haven't we met somewhere before you look familiar") - I had a ONS in my early 20's and I would never have recognised him a year later let alone a decade!

I would just leave it and pretend not to remember if he ever brought it up, which he probably won't.
But you're possibly more mature than me