Slept with 'brother in law'

[YellowLellow]

SIL got a new boyfriend just before lockdown in March, I knew his name was 'Tom' (it's not but equally as common a name) but nothing else. The first time we saw her after lockdown I asked about him in front of her and DH, genuinely interested and happy for her. That night I got home and checked her Facebook friends just out of curiosity and felt absolutely fucking sick when I realised it was a guy I'd slept with before. I still haven't mentioned it to her or DH, hoping it would go away and they'd break up (I know that's cruel) but I just didn't want to deal with it. The second time I saw her I was so anxious he'd turn up and DH kept asking me what was wrong and I pretended I was feeling sick. I didn't ask her about him once the whole day and actively didn't participate in any conversations they had that involved his name. Thankfully he wasn't there.

DH has since met him twice, I bailed at the last minute both times pretending I wasn't well. DH went down again yesterday to visit her and his mum, and he came back chuffed to bits saying that SIL is pregnant and they're engaged.

What do I do? Is this not as big a deal as it is in my head? I'm so anxious I could throw up every time I think about it, which is pretty constant. The ONS was in 2012, it was ages ago, but the thing is not only is it horrific to have slept with my future brother in law, the night is a really bad memory for me. It was the only one night stand I have ever had where I'd met them that night and didn't know them, and it really affected me. I had just got out of a long term relationship and it just felt so wrong, he stopped at one point and said he didn't want to continue if I wasn't into it at which point I apologised and said I was, and went with it. For years after I wished I'd stopped at that point. I got home and showered about 7 times and felt really low for weeks. I don't blame him, he checked on me, but it was just a bad experience for me and I don't want to be faced with it.

I'm really torn. DH knows about all my serious relationships, we've never gone into details of casual things besides me telling him that I had one ONS and hated it so much I'd never do it again. I just can't believe it's such a small world and such shoddy luck that it's this guy.

This is long and rambly and embarrassing to post but I feel like everyone's going to hate me and I don't know how to handle it.

It’s really bad luck and uncomfortable but I would suggest you explain to DH. Explain you weren’t sure how serious the relationship was and you were sick with causing anyone any discomfort. Explain how you have to us. He knows about the ONS so there’s no surprises. I suspect the guy either doesn’t remember (but will when he meets you), or has assumed an unspoken agreement not for it to come out to the family. I would go along with this except with your husband who deserves honesty especially as it is affecting you so much. As for his sister I would suggest that if it turns out new bf hasn’t mentioned it to her, you say you will support your husband if he wants to mention it but it is likely to impact your relationship with her, especially as she is pregnant and in the lovely phase... sorry OP. But I would hope you DH can offer you support

I think even mentioning this to you sister will ruin things for her , she's pregnant and engaged. if he has no recollection of the evening and he might not it'll look odd you bringing it up .
You tell your dh he will wonder why you mentioned it , he's a ONS not a ex boyfriend.

It's just odd all round if it was me I'd keep quiet forget the whole thing you really should of anyway .

You didn’t sleep with your brother in law, you slept with a random ONCE years ago before you were married who now just happens to be engaged to your sister in law. Meh just pretend you don’t know who he is, I highly doubt he remembers you, if he does just say I think you are mistaken (I mean unless he came back with you to the house you still live in and he describes the decor or something 🤣).

Why would you admit to it or even think about telling anyone, what exactly is the point?

I think the level of anxiety you are showing about this is extreme, have you seen your GP about your anxiety? You shouldn't have to live like this. This is one of those things that should be slightly awkward but ignored. You shouldn't be agonising over it and refusing to meet him. I've had a similar situation in that I made a new mum friend and it turned out I'd had a ONS with her husband before she met him. Me and hubby said 'Oh hi' to each other in recognition when we met but nothing else. Friend assumed we vaguely know each other because we used to drink at the same bar and have mutual friends. She doesn't need to know anything else I don't think. I wouldn't lie about it if asked, but it seems pointless to share with her.

I’d normally advise say nothing. Head down, forget it.

But.

You are going to have to lie, and that’s shit. It’s turning a non thing into sonething, that could tarnish your marriage. Potentially destroy it. The lie would get bigger, it would eat you up and one day trip you up... and then your dh would wonder why you’d lied for months/years.

Don’t be that person. You’re better than that. You’ve done nothing wrong. Have a chat, explain and put it behind you

If it's bothering you this much already, you're not going to be able to cope with seeing him and not telling your DH. I'd tell him you saw photos on Facebook and realised you'd had a ONS with him.

Dunno about this being an over-reaction tbh, i'd be really upset too

Agree with whoever said pretend you don't remember him. Genius!

What a disappointing title.... came for exciting affair story. I highly doubt he remembers you however, if it bothers you so much you feel sick then you deffo have to tell your husband. SIL doesn’t need to know and you don’t even need to acknowledge him.

You can't be sick forever OP.

You did not sleep with your BIL, you had a ONS after a bad break up years ago.

I agree with others that you should speak to your DH and explain how you are feeling and why you haven't said anything.

I'm not sure I would tell SIL, perhaps see what your husband thinks about that.

OP I do think you need to tell your dh. Not for any reason other than living with a secret is horrible. The guilt and the anxiety it will cause you is just not worth it.

You haven’t done anything wrong and as per a previous reply to you it was a horrible night but to anyone else it was just a ONS.

Firstly, you did absolutely nothing wrong in having an ONS. I had a few myself when I was young, free & single.

It’s highly likely that either he will genuinely not remember you, particularly if he had regular casual sex (I certainly can’t remember every random I drunkenly shagged when I was a student), or he will pretend he doesn’t remember you, which is obviously in his interests. As long as you do likewise and simply pretend it never happened, all will be well.

Good luck!

The longer you leave it to tell your husband, the more of a big deal you’re making it. He’s going to wonder why you didn’t tell him.
Alternatively you could act as if you’ve never met Tom, as @MonClareDevole advises. You never know, he may have slept with so many women he may genuinely not remember you.
I think you’re being really hard on yourself. You’re going to have to work on a coping mechanism as he’s clearly not going to go away.

I would tell your DH everything including how anxious you feel about all this & you were scared to say anything before. If he's worth his salt then he'll help you through this and you can be a team when you finally meet 'Tom'. If the anxious feelings continue after that then maybe good to see counsellor or therapist to help work through it. It doesn't seem like a big deal from an outsiders perspective but if it's a big deal for you then maybe some professional help would be useful.

I think you should mention it to your husband- it's not a big deal but if you don't tell him it will seem like a much bigger deal as time goes on.

OP similar happened to me except it was a friend's new boyfriend I'd been with (in ibiza!!!! This guy lived miles from us in the UK what are the bloody chances!) and i literally just pretended I'd never seen him before. I was so convincing he even told me i reminded him of someone he met on holiday

Anyway they broke up after a while so all was well. But honestly my advice is just pretend you don't know him.

Given it was 8 years ago, pretty sure he won't remember it at all. You were probably one of a long line which benefits you in this situation. I would just pretend you have no idea who he is and likely he genuinely won't remember you at all so he won't be faking it. If on the off chance he does recall you, he us not going to want to let that cat out of the bag so if you pretend you have never met him I dare say he will play along.

Tell your DH then style it out. He will find out anyway if he recognises you and tells your sil. You didn't do anything wrong then, but if you keep it secret then it may look like you have something to hide. If it all comes out just laugh it off and say ' well this is akward!'..…if your DH knows and has your back it will be fine. If he's blindsided it won't.

If she pretends she doesn’t know him and he remembers her he’ll tell SIL, then it will get back to DH. Which will turn into a thing when it’s not a thing.

I really wouldn't tell your DH if I were in your shoes, but a therapist as this is a big deal to you but to others it would barely raise an eyebrow. It was a one night stand. Either greet him as someone you've once met if he recognises you, or pretend you don't realise who he is. Then give it no more head space.

He might not even recognise you and if he does he's not going to say anything. He'll probably feel a bit awkward too. That's all. There's not a cat's chance in hell I'd speak to my sister in law about it and probably not my partner (unless I knew him to be really chilled out about this sort of thing). It just seems like making a massive deal out of something to be forgotten and will create bad feeling with your SIL and awkwardness between your DH and this man (potentially) unnecessarily. You were single and so was he. This was before your SIL and DH, right? I just don't see what's to be gained. Just meet him with other people there, obviously, and get it over with. This will only grow in your mind if you don't meet him and continue to overthink.

You’ve done nothing wrong but I would be upset in your situation too OP. Talk to your husband about it, if he’s a decent bloke he will understand. I wouldn’t say anything to your SIL though. Sorry, I’ve not read the whole thread but has the new BIL seen pics of you? Do you think he would recognise you?

@Frazzled13

So this was someone you had a casual fling with before you met DH? It’s obviously not the most comfortable situation but honestly, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. BUT, it will be more of a big deal if you hide it, because it will seem like more of a thing.

@YellowLellow The above.

If it was like before you and your current partner met....No Biggie

In fact, it has all the components of a French Farce...

But I understand how awkward it might be.

Tell your Partner.

And it sounds like the Chap was considerate.

Don't worry. You have done nothing wrong.

Give yourself a break OP, this is not a big deal, it becomes less the more you explain, you were only 18! Would you judge others as harshly as you are being with yourself? There is a reasonable chance he won't recognise or remember you. I bet you have changed a lot since you were 18.

Xpost -exactly