Slept with 'brother in law'

[YellowLellow]

SIL got a new boyfriend just before lockdown in March, I knew his name was 'Tom' (it's not but equally as common a name) but nothing else. The first time we saw her after lockdown I asked about him in front of her and DH, genuinely interested and happy for her. That night I got home and checked her Facebook friends just out of curiosity and felt absolutely fucking sick when I realised it was a guy I'd slept with before. I still haven't mentioned it to her or DH, hoping it would go away and they'd break up (I know that's cruel) but I just didn't want to deal with it. The second time I saw her I was so anxious he'd turn up and DH kept asking me what was wrong and I pretended I was feeling sick. I didn't ask her about him once the whole day and actively didn't participate in any conversations they had that involved his name. Thankfully he wasn't there.

DH has since met him twice, I bailed at the last minute both times pretending I wasn't well. DH went down again yesterday to visit her and his mum, and he came back chuffed to bits saying that SIL is pregnant and they're engaged.

What do I do? Is this not as big a deal as it is in my head? I'm so anxious I could throw up every time I think about it, which is pretty constant. The ONS was in 2012, it was ages ago, but the thing is not only is it horrific to have slept with my future brother in law, the night is a really bad memory for me. It was the only one night stand I have ever had where I'd met them that night and didn't know them, and it really affected me. I had just got out of a long term relationship and it just felt so wrong, he stopped at one point and said he didn't want to continue if I wasn't into it at which point I apologised and said I was, and went with it. For years after I wished I'd stopped at that point. I got home and showered about 7 times and felt really low for weeks. I don't blame him, he checked on me, but it was just a bad experience for me and I don't want to be faced with it.

I'm really torn. DH knows about all my serious relationships, we've never gone into details of casual things besides me telling him that I had one ONS and hated it so much I'd never do it again. I just can't believe it's such a small world and such shoddy luck that it's this guy.

This is long and rambly and embarrassing to post but I feel like everyone's going to hate me and I don't know how to handle it.

You haven't done anything wrong, firstly. Remember that.

I think you've made it bigger and worse in your head than it actually is. Deep breath and brazen it out, 2 choices: tell your DH, and say you're just going to act like you've never met him and imagine he either won't remember you or respond in same if he does. OR don't tell your DH and do the same, act like you've never met him and assume he'll do the same or genuinely have no clue who you are.

Good luck.

Is there any possibility you could contact him by pone and explain who you are, what happened, how you felt at the time and since, and see if he is prepared to keep quiet about it?

Ideally neither of you will speak of it ever, but if there's any chance he feels he needs to speak to your SIL, then you both have to come clean immediately. Or if you are one of these people who need to confess, then you just have to speak up.

I'm all in favour of letting sleeping dogs lie when it will benefit no one to wake them (as in this case), but unfortunately these things often rise to the surface.

The problem with acting as though you were meeting him for the first time is you both may act horrified and give the game away. Worse coming out that way imo

Tell your DH, but in a cool and casual way, once his on side the two of you can work together in the best approach...which I think is to pretend you don’t know him (but still tell DH, unless you want to go with “no I’ve never met him, he must think I’m someone else’

Another one who thought this would be an exciting affair thread, what an anticlimax

Seriously though it's fine, there's no way he'll mention it to SIL. I'm sure he'll act like he's never seen you before and if I was you I'd do the same.

Seriously, you are way overthinking this.

One of my best friends is a guy I had a few drunken nights with. DH's 'best man' was a former fiance!

people have pasts. Sometimes they have sex.

Please do not worry so much.

You should tell your DH.

You've already had the conversation that you had a ONS and it affected you so negatively. So that's great.

So just be honest and say you saw him on Facebook and it turns out it was him. And now you're really worried as the night was bad and you feel really awkward to see him.

No one has done anything wrong. And by being honest you will stay that way.

Better to have the truth out early, and that'll be much better for your anxiety.

But I totally agree that it is an awkward situation. But no one is the same person they were when they were 18. X

@YellowLellow

I once had a bit of a 'ding dong' with a family member {Argument} and we avoided each other for 2 yrs.

Then there was an event I just couldn't get out of.

I played all the scenarios out in my head...and when the event happened, it was nothing like I had imagined.

The chap from the past probably won't remember you, and absolutely won't say to SIL :

' Oh, gosh, can you believe that Yellow and I had a fling when we were both in our palmy youth ?'

No bloke would be that silly.

Why didn't you remember him? Was he in fancy dress when you first met him? I don't think i could be that intimate with someone and not recall how they looked and spoke!!

In the kindest way, OP, you need to get a grip on yourself. You didnt "sleep with your BIL", that's a ridiculously dramatic way of looking at it. You had sex with someone who, several years later, began a relationship with your SIL. Unless you move towns after every single sexual encounter, the odds are good that this sort of thing will happen from time to time. Tell your DH if you must, but it sounds to me more like you are telling him to create even more drama.

And do seriously consider therapy. It really isnt normal to be so hung up on a reasonably unsuccessful sexual encounter so long after the event.

Fake it until you make it. Pretend you don't remember him. IF he remembers you I am sure he will follow your lead. I'm sure it isn't any better a memory for him than it is for you.

Sorry but I can't work out how he is your brother in law.

I think at the point you should say nothing. As if you hadn’t looked him up you’d be none the wiser.
When you do finally meet, I think I’d be all ‘oh hi, king time no see’ and when someone asks how you know one another I’d jump in first and say something like ‘oh we very briefly knew one another yearsss ago’.
It may seem like a big thing to deal with now, but plan it out in your head, and I’m sure it won’t be as bad as you think it will be.

@islockdownoveryet

It was 8 years ago ,he may remember you or think I know you from somewhere . I get it's a big deal to you but ons happen so pretend you don't recognise him. Even if he does remember you I doubt very much he will mention it and it will be forgotten about . It's honestly not worth mentioning to anybody.

That's what I think. Meet him and behave as if you have never seen him before; he will do the same.

Personally I think I would tell DH but maybe not tell SIL or take DH’s advice on that one and go with whatever he thinks.

Don’t jeopardise your own marriage for this, this man may tell SIL in a few years down the line then you’re in trouble as you would’ve kept it from your DH. Your marriage and being truthful to your DH comes first always.

Time for head held high, smile and shake his hand and dont make an issue out of it

Tell him. I was shopping in Asda a few years ago with dh and spotted a guy I’d had a ONS with. He was walking towards me and I started sweating sweating. He let on to me and started chatted to dh it was one of his good friends. I casually wandered off.

I told dh about it on the car on the way home he teased me about it but we both laughed about it. We always seem to bump in to him and his wife now whilst out shopping and nothing ever gets said.

@ScrapThatThen

Just meet him and pretend you have never met him and he will follow your lead. No good will come of telling dh or sil.

I'm normally all for honesty but I would go with this. Very unlikely he would both remember you AND decide to bring it up when you clearly hadn't. If he does, say sorry you really don't remember, probably for the best, laugh and move on....

I'm long since over the childhood boyfriend but I just struggle with that night

That night isn't happening anymore, OP. It won't have been happening over and over in his head like it has been in yours.

Sod whether or not he remembers you. Take charge of the situation. You've forgotten the ONS, you don't recognise him, and you never will. He's hardly going to blurt out 'I've slept with you!' in front of his new gf, is he. The most he'll do is look bloody sheepish and feel awkward, and you can style it out: 'Lovely to meet you, finally, Tom! You must have thought I was avoiding you, haha!'

The ONS isn't happening anywhere anymore except in your head. Tell your husband if you need to, but don't let it go any further.

@Doje

OP, this will eat you up if you don't bring it out into the open. You can't lie to your DH forever.

Tell your DP, say you feel awkward then broach it together.

This is my advice as well

I think you should tell your husband, but the ideal outcome will be that you and DH both pretend you know nothing of it.

It's not just this first meeting, it's afterwards. I think telling your DH will give him a chance to decide to be matey with Tom, but not get too close. To keep him slightly at arms length. If you didn't tell him, he might carry on naturally and find he really likes Tom as a kind of brother, and they might end up getting quite close, DH trusting him, and this wouldn't be on the level for DH - especially if Tom does realise, maybe after four or five meetings with you, hearing your voice, seeing your mannerisms, that he does remember you, after all , though he didn't click, at first. Tom wouldn't say anything, but it gives him an advantage over DH if he knows something DH doesn't. Still best for you to brazen it out that you're not going to acknowledge to Tom that you remember him.

There's nothing at all wrong in what you did. It's unlucky he's come back into your life like this. Sod's law, as you say. Because you didn't have a lot of ons in your youth, this has stuck in your mind. I can understand your not wanting to play it that you really can't remember, if you feel it so isn't you to not remember that it's hard to make convincing. It will give your DH a nice bit of control of the situation if he's warned in advance. I would probably say to DH, ' I've got something awkward to tell you. I feel I ought to, but I feel uncomfortable about it. I don't want to keep anything from you. It's about your sister's man' Pause. He'll probably guess, at that point more or less what you're thinking of telling him.. I suppose you probably don't see SIL that often, if she's pregnant and serious and you haven't both had opportunity to meet Tom ( Covid explains it too). DH might work it so you don't spend that much time with them and you never find yourself in the situation of having a lift with Tom, or something which could be unpleasant for you and which detracts from the happy family interaction.

I'm sorry you are in this 100 to 1 situation, but as everyone else has said, it's no big deal . I hope it goes well and it should do. Nothing wrong about what happened at all.

OP I'm hoping he won't recall you either

You are making a mountain out of a molehill here.

When you meet him, head held high, act as you normally would, then on your way home say to your dh 'bloody hell, I know sil df, I slept with him when I was 18, can't have been too amazing as I don't think he recognised me' and make a joke out of it

Depends how much social anxiety you have. I would go bright red the moment I saw him so if I were you, I would have to tell my DH in advance to make sure he would be my wing man for the anxiety fest! If your DH is a nice guy, you’ll be able to laugh about it together as having a ONS is nothing to feel guilty about.

It's a bit awkward, but there's no reason to be anxious. I agree to tell your DH and I'm sure he will put it in perspective and make you feel better.

I only ever had one ONS - I remember the guy's first name but honestly I would not have remembered his face 8 years later (I sure as heck can't remember it now), so no need to make a show of recognising him TBH.