Long term friend has ended our friendship but wants to chat to me on a group chat

[meghansparkles]

Very long story short, friend and I have been friends since Uni and have the same group of uni friends.

She and I were very, very close - closer than the others in the group. The last few years we've had a few school reunions going and have all been on weekends away together. As a result there's a whatsapp group of the 5 of us that was used to organise these trips.

Since lockdown as there's obviously been no weekend group away this year we've chatted in the group as a way of staying in touch, seeing how DC are doing etc. All fine.

However, a couple of months ago my very close friend basically dumped me by email. There's not a lot of point going into the ins and out of it, but she essentially said 'bye, see you later and I'll see you at the reunions if we're ever allowed to meet up like that again.'

I hadn't done anything 'wrong' there was nothing for me to apologise for, I just didn't agree with her opinion on my life - which she had spilled out in an email and when I disagreed/put my side across she dumped me.

Anyway, I accepted that. But now, having dumped me, she sometimes chooses to engage with me on the group chat - asking me if I had a nice holiday/birthday. The latest thing was asking me on a group about my DD's school place.

I find it really odd that you would terminate a friendship from them, not respond to their response to this and then chat with them in a whatsapp group as if nothing had happened.

Any thoughts?

I would block her personally. Sounds like she wasn't as popular as she thought and has left herself short of friends... Backtracking indeed.
Cf imo.

Sorry, I didn't write that very well.

I just mean, I find it strange that she doesn't want me in her life or to talk to me at all on the one hand. But on the other hand she wants to chat to me on a whatsapp group as though nothing has happened.

Is this weird or do people do this?

Sounds like she either doesn’t want to be friends with you but doesn’t want anyone else to think she has been unkind or else she is backtracking on ending the friendship. Personally I wouldn’t bother to respond to anything she asks.

As it stands I have now blocked her as I think this just means that I can carry on with the rest of the group and she and I can't see each other?

Did your friend post on Mumsnet about the email she wrote? It sounds familiar but from another POV!!

@meghansparkles

As it stands I have now blocked her as I think this just means that I can carry on with the rest of the group and she and I can't see each other?

Blocking won't apply to groups. You will still be able to see and reply to each others messages on a group regardless of blocking.

Yes, I bet no one else in your group knows what she has done to you. Maybe you should confide in each of your friends so that understand why you are not replying to her on the group chat.

@countrynutkin

Did your friend post on Mumsnet about the email she wrote? It sounds familiar but from another POV!!

Not as far as I'm aware.

Oh I didn't know blocking didn't work in groups.

I actually left the group and said 'hey I'll see you all in the next group we set up to organise a trip away'

But then one the (very lovely) other group members added me back on! She doesn't know what's gone on and I didn't want to drag her into it.

That’s odd.
Either text the test and explain
Or ask on the group why she’s talking to you again.

Rest not test 🤪

How weird of her. Probably wants to know the info on her terms

@growinggreyer

Yes, I bet no one else in your group knows what she has done to you. Maybe you should confide in each of your friends so that understand why you are not replying to her on the group chat.

I have spoken to one about it but also I don't really want to bitch.

The friend who dumped me does have quite a few issues in her personal life and I have empathy for that.

Dragging the others into it felt like it would be bitchy, I suppose.

There is no way on god's earth that I'll ever go on another holiday with dumping friend, though. She must be deluded if she'd think I'd want to do that but she does seem to expect that that will happen. So odd.

There’s two things that could be happening here.

It could be that she has realised dumping you was an overreaction and this is her trying to just carry on and hope you can forget about it, without actually apologising or addressing it head on.

Alternatively, she doesn’t want to lose face in front of the other group members and have one of them ask why you two are not talking.

Neither are great. I’d be doing as someone else suggested and having a quiet (and confidential) word with your closest friend from the group to explain what’s going on. And I’d continue to not engage with the dumper until she apologised.

It doesn't read to me like she meant to "dump" you? My read is that she wanted to end the heated email exchange, said she would see you at future meet-ups, and is perhaps now trying to re-establish normal low-key communications with you. If she wanted to dump you, why say "see you later"? Would you want to attempt reconciliation with her if that's what she wanted? Or are you done with her regardless?

I agree with @ohdeariedear s

@melisande99

It doesn't read to me like she meant to "dump" you? My read is that she wanted to end the heated email exchange, said she would see you at future meet-ups, and is perhaps now trying to re-establish normal low-key communications with you. If she wanted to dump you, why say "see you later"? Would you want to attempt reconciliation with her if that's what she wanted? Or are you done with her regardless?

She basically said "bye, see you around" then completely ignored the following attempts I made to contact her so I believe the dumping was pretty robust.

I dumped a friend when she hurt a mutual friend. I was very willing to be supportive until that point as was my lovely friend who didn't deserve the nastiness.

Just wondering if the friend who added you back in wasn't doing it casually but has your back.

Did she assume that because you didn't agree with her about your life that you were dumping her?

The 'see you later' presumably is because she doesn't feel she should remove herself from the reunions (that I have been fundamental to arranging, that she herself has never played any part in arranging).

So she's basically giving me the heads up that she'll be attending (which means I'm shoved out, I guess).

I think she's trying to squeeze you out of the friendship group.

If you don't reply to her messages, or you're not that warm in your responses, she'll start crying to the others you've got some kind of problem with her, or one of them will pick up on it.

The best thing you can do is tell the others about her email.

@RainingBatsAndFrogs

Did she assume that because you didn't agree with her about your life that you were dumping her?

I don't think so. In my response to her long deconstruction of everything she's decided is wrong to me I ended my email saying I think she's an incredible person and would be devastated to leave her.

To which her response was basically 'see you around' and then ignored any further communication from me.

She's definitely dumped me.

At first I felt like it was good that there was still a line of communication via the group but her recent behaviour has made me rethink that.

Why dump someone and ignore them for months whilst simultaneously asking questions about their children?

The only reason I can think of is to save face around the others.

I definitely don't want her in my life anymore. It's taken me a few months to realise that.

@Enough4me

I dumped a friend when she hurt a mutual friend. I was very willing to be supportive until that point as was my lovely friend who didn't deserve the nastiness.

Just wondering if the friend who added you back in wasn't doing it casually but has your back.

I've wondered about this.

The dumping friend is known to be a difficult character and I don't think she's wildly popular. No one would ever say it but she can be difficult / nasty.

It sounds like she’s more comfortable having you as an acquaintance. She’s less interested in being close, but now that she’s outlined her boundaries she feels more able to chat with you, knowing you won’t expect the conversation to develop much. It must be hurtful and confusing, but I think I do understand her reasoning and it’s not worth trying to ascribe shameful intentions here. If you find it too unsettling - totally understandable - you might want to mention it to her. She will see where you’re coming from, surely.

Ah, didn’t see last posts - she does sound like someone you’d want to steer clear of. I think I’d probably give polite but brief responses in the hope she gets the message?