Long term friend has ended our friendship but wants to chat to me on a group chat

[meghansparkles]

Very long story short, friend and I have been friends since Uni and have the same group of uni friends.

She and I were very, very close - closer than the others in the group. The last few years we've had a few school reunions going and have all been on weekends away together. As a result there's a whatsapp group of the 5 of us that was used to organise these trips.

Since lockdown as there's obviously been no weekend group away this year we've chatted in the group as a way of staying in touch, seeing how DC are doing etc. All fine.

However, a couple of months ago my very close friend basically dumped me by email. There's not a lot of point going into the ins and out of it, but she essentially said 'bye, see you later and I'll see you at the reunions if we're ever allowed to meet up like that again.'

I hadn't done anything 'wrong' there was nothing for me to apologise for, I just didn't agree with her opinion on my life - which she had spilled out in an email and when I disagreed/put my side across she dumped me.

Anyway, I accepted that. But now, having dumped me, she sometimes chooses to engage with me on the group chat - asking me if I had a nice holiday/birthday. The latest thing was asking me on a group about my DD's school place.

I find it really odd that you would terminate a friendship from them, not respond to their response to this and then chat with them in a whatsapp group as if nothing had happened.

Any thoughts?

I think she’s being two-faced here and you like to see the good in people so can’t/won’t recognise that she’s being manipulative. If I was a friend in your friendship circle, I would want to be told about the situation. You don’t have to go into full details but a few lines stating that you and Dumper have drifted apart and are not communicating outside the group and being civil to each other in the groupchat. I would hate to think that my friend didn’t trust me enough or thought I wasn’t adult enough to deal with this sort of news. To everyone else, you two are super close. I would hate to inadvertently do something that would upset both of you because I wasn’t given a heads-up. Your friends will come to their own conclusions, you don’t need to influence. FWIW if your friends aren’t close to Dumper, it’s likely they will drop her from the group. It might be the best this way for most people.

I think she's just pulled back from your full on friendship but happy to be an acquaintance. That felt like a bigger loss to you than her to start with but it sounds like now you've decided to cut her out completely and that's your choice. Just ignore her in the chat if that's how you feel. Friendships ebb and flow and sometimes they just naturally die off don't they. If you can't match her level of commitment to being acquainted, grey rock her.

Thanks all, some really helpful advice. I think I'll just ignore her in the group from now on.

I think she wants to still go to the meet ups so is making sure you know this by asking questions.
Tbh I wouldn't be bothered organising it for her.
She doesn't sound all that nice.

I think this is happening to loads of people at the moment. Lockdown etc is putting pressure on friendships and making people assess who is actually worth keeping in their lives and who they want to quietly back away from.

I really wouldn't say anything to your mutual friends. It will come across bitchy and like you're trying to get them to pick a side.

Just quietly get on with it, reply if you feel like it, short and simple. Or don't. But don't make drama, it's not worth it.

Thanks all.

How about the next time she asks you a question in the group chat you respond in the chat with something along these lines...

Dumper, since you've been clear you are done being friends with me, and you no longer engage with me privately, I'm not sure why you're asking me these questions on here? It's putting me in a very awkward position!

Because that would create unnecessary drama?

Agree that is drama llama stuff.

What are you going to do on the meet ups? You said you usually organise them. I think she is engaging to try to be included but having her there would not be good for you

@ThousandsAreSailing

What are you going to do on the meet ups? You said you usually organise them. I think she is engaging to try to be included but having her there would not be good for you

Honestly I don't know.

The idea of several families being able to stay overnight together seems to distant now since lockdown that I suppose it doesn't feel like an immediate issue.

My gut feeling is to just not organise any more meet-ups, one of the lovely ones organised the last one so it's possible someone else might set one up then I'll have to think about it.

I had a really good friend at work suddenly stop speaking to me. I've never known why, but my point is that we just ignore each other. Nobody else in the team seems to have noticed. It can be done, if there's a few people in the group.

@Eckhart

I had a really good friend at work suddenly stop speaking to me. I've never known why, but my point is that we just ignore each other. Nobody else in the team seems to have noticed. It can be done, if there's a few people in the group.

Thank you. I don't think would work on a reunion holiday though? Especially as she's not ignoring me but trying to engage with me in the WhatsApp group.

My ex best friend did something very similar to me. At first I tried really hard to sort things out when she stopped communicating with me and I told her if she wanted to be friends again I'd love that.

She would always make a big show of 'me and my bestie' in public (she had moved abroad so it was only when she happened to be home for a mutual friend's wedding or similar) then go back to blanking me completely behind everyone's back. She would make plans to meet up with me then cancel but meet up with my sister and visit my family. It sounds strange but she wouldn't acknowledge she was still not talking to me but whenever I thought things were good again, she would ignore me. It took literally a few years for the penny to drop as she was only visiting the country so the first few blankings could have been coincidence and then she would be so friendly in public. I possibly am also very slow on the uptake.

It started to dawn on me she was enjoying making a fool of me and having me dance to her tune. She had done similar to other people I realised. I was fine with hrr terminating the friendship but not the nastiness / gameplaying. Also, like you op I was more of a gateway to the larger group.

The final straw came when I had some severe health issues in my 30s. She made out to be distraught to all mutual people (my sister told her) but never bothered to contact me. There was total shock when I casually mentioned this at a group gathering, everyone thought we were still best friends. A well meaning mutual friend said to her she really should reach out to me while I was having such a terrible time and she did send me a card. I sat down to read it in private expecting something personal in it "I know we haven't been in touch but I'm here for you" type thing but it was just a generic good luck with operation message from her and her husband. I threw the card in the bin and decided to bin her completely too.

I suspect your friend is doing what mine did - putting on a performance to look like the good guy and simultaneously power tripping. I would ignore her entirely now.

I'd agree it is all about power play. You don't need to play her game. Mute her on WA. Don't lie if anyone asks. Answer honestly to any questions even if it then lets people know you are no longer friends.

She has an odd take on your life, I think, from the examples you’ve given.

I would leave the group chat and privately tell your friends an outline of what has gone on and keep contact with them separate to the group chat.

I had an odd theory whilst reading your posts. It might be completely wrong but perhaps worth considering.

You spoke with her on the phone about the friendship before the email, was she saying similar thing on the phone call to the email or was it very different?

I am wondering if the email was sent by Mr Controlling. It used odd, incomplete snippets from your life and assassinated your character in a way which has effectively ended your relationship. And perhaps blocked your emails after the initial exchange?

Would your friend's behaviour on the group make sense if that was the case?

Even if he didn't send the email it could be that he is where that character assassination came from by perhaps bad mouthing you to her or even telling her to drop the friendship. A friendship with someone who sees through him and hates him wouldn't likely be acceptable to him. Did it seem like what he would say?

It is not the only possible explanation - I think the one about her feeling powerless in her relationship with him and feeling too much of a victim being rescued by you making her resent you is also possible. Lashing out with a bunch of projections about how she sees herself.

As is her just not having good relationship skills where she's had her say with you privately and thinks the group situation ought to be unaffected and civil/warm. And there is the less charitable version where she is aware of the tension this would create for you and is enjoying that bit of power as a hurt bully trying to control something.

I think, if it was me, the next time she tried to engage me in the group I'd ask if she had got your emails.

I think this allows any misunderstanding to be cleared up (if she really didn't receive them) and it also stops this dynamic of her repeatedly nudging you where you are feeling like you have to either ignore her or respond to keep the civility whilst feeling silenced about the private bullying.

If she says she did receive your emails then I would be honest with her (not sure if in a direct text message or in the group) that if she is not replying to your emails, you have no interest in exchanging chitchat in the group pretending everything is ok when it isn't.

I think it isn't wrong to have a boundary with her if you feel you have given too much or tried to rescue her in the past. Modelling boundaries for her about how you will allow yourself to be treated could help her learn to do the same. And more importantly it is good for you.

Another way to think about it is, assume she is doing the best she can and set your boundaries accordingly.

That may involve arranging a meet (when they are allowed again) with one or two of the people you gel with better from that group, arranged directly (not through the current group).

I happened to read an article about coercive control yesterday where the controlling partner had texted her friends saying that she didn't like them bitched about them behind their backs.

So I mention it as a possibility as it is part of the MO of abusers to isolate as it was on my mind.

Obviously if she was saying similar things directly to you in a phone call would make it less likely, but he could still be involved acting as Grimer Wormtongue (hissing in her ear about you).

@ThirdThoughts

I happened to read an article about coercive control yesterday where the controlling partner had texted her friends saying that she didn't like them bitched about them behind their backs.

So I mention it as a possibility as it is part of the MO of abusers to isolate as it was on my mind.

Obviously if she was saying similar things directly to you in a phone call would make it less likely, but he could still be involved acting as Grimer Wormtongue (hissing in her ear about you).

Thank you, yes, I'm sure he did hiss in her ear about me on the occasions when he could be bothered to remember that she existed as a separate entity to him.

I'm certain he didn't write the email but I do know he must have spoken badly of me because a couple of years ago he invited himself along on a weekend the two of us had planned as a birthday treat.

When I said it seemed a bit strange he wanted to come (my DH was staying at home and would never dream of inviting himself along to something like that) and expressed that I felt worried as we didn't exactly get along she said she thought it would 'help' for him to see me as less of a threat.

A threat to what, I don't actually know. That's a whole other can of worms. But in answer to your thoughts no he didn't directly write the email - of that I am absolutely certain - but yes he's been gaslighting her for years and I'm sure being her closest friend would have made me an absolute target him denigrating me any which way he could.

Thanks for your perspective, it's helpful and appreciated.

He would only say threat if she had made it out to him that you are someone who disapproves of his manipulation.

Why would she say this to him, and why report it to you, and why did he invite himself to the meal?

Answer is Gaslighting - she won't be stable while that's going on. She's dumped you to please him, but doesn't want the others to know.

I'm with the poster who said refer to your emails to her "DC fine, BTW did you get my last emails as I wasn't sure of your reply, is all ok?"

@Enough4me

He would only say threat if she had made it out to him that you are someone who disapproves of his manipulation.

Why would she say this to him, and why report it to you, and why did he invite himself to the meal?

Answer is Gaslighting - she won't be stable while that's going on. She's dumped you to please him, but doesn't want the others to know.

I'm with the poster who said refer to your emails to her "DC fine, BTW did you get my last emails as I wasn't sure of your reply, is all ok?"

Thank you for your perspective.

Just to be clear, he didn't invite himself on a meal out - he invited himself on a 2 night air BnB break. Which was planned as just me, my (then) bestie and our DC.

When it became clear that he was coming to both nights and that was non-negotiable I downgraded it to one night on the part of me and my DC.

OMG that is controlling, and she can justify that as normal?

She justified it as a good opportunity for me to find him less threatening.

I am really not threatening. I do a cuddly job with vulnerable youngsters. He is an Oxbridge educated defence barrister.

Probably said too much now but I'm honestly past caring.

"She justified it as a good opportunity for me to find him less threatening."

I said that the wrong way round - for HIM to find ME less threatening.

What a load of tripe, he was monitoring you both. The issue now is that she's still in a mad house and you need to back away, but keep your other friends.