Long term friend has ended our friendship but wants to chat to me on a group chat

[meghansparkles]

Very long story short, friend and I have been friends since Uni and have the same group of uni friends.

She and I were very, very close - closer than the others in the group. The last few years we've had a few school reunions going and have all been on weekends away together. As a result there's a whatsapp group of the 5 of us that was used to organise these trips.

Since lockdown as there's obviously been no weekend group away this year we've chatted in the group as a way of staying in touch, seeing how DC are doing etc. All fine.

However, a couple of months ago my very close friend basically dumped me by email. There's not a lot of point going into the ins and out of it, but she essentially said 'bye, see you later and I'll see you at the reunions if we're ever allowed to meet up like that again.'

I hadn't done anything 'wrong' there was nothing for me to apologise for, I just didn't agree with her opinion on my life - which she had spilled out in an email and when I disagreed/put my side across she dumped me.

Anyway, I accepted that. But now, having dumped me, she sometimes chooses to engage with me on the group chat - asking me if I had a nice holiday/birthday. The latest thing was asking me on a group about my DD's school place.

I find it really odd that you would terminate a friendship from them, not respond to their response to this and then chat with them in a whatsapp group as if nothing had happened.

Any thoughts?

@saraclara

A friend (who lives a long distance away) dumped me from our messaging friendship. But we are part of a group that meets infrequently but enthusiastically.

The last one was a full weekend and I was extremely keen to see other members, some of whom were flying into the country specifically for it. So I went and so did she. I was dreading it. But we both behaved like grown ups and no-one in the group of eight or nine would have known there was anything wrong between us as we chatted entirely normally. We also participate in the occasional group discussion in the same way.

I'd say it shows maturity to do so, and ensures that the group can continue to function without spoiling it for anyone else. So I'd advise doing what she's doing and participate normally. Just continue not communicating one on one.

Saraclara, thank you for that perspetive, it's really helpful. That's kind of what I had been doing and it's been fine.

But it's the singling me out to ask me questions on the group chat which I've just found particularly galling of late. She doesn't want me in her life so she doesn't get to find out what's going on in it by asking me questions about it when she has other people for cover.

It's a head/heart kind of thing. In some ways I feel like suck it up for the sake of the group and in others I think about how much she has hurt me why should I entertain her charade.

OP, I think you will get steam rollered if you don’t wise up to the politics of this. You need to tell your friends your story - they are your friends and will understand.

I think you need to tell the rest of the group what's happened. Say you're not going to badmouth her ( or whatever) but also that if you organise a reunion again, due to her not wanting to be connected with you, you feel that the only thing to do is to plough on without her. See what happens. it may be that you end up meeting others in smaller groups maybe a 2 or 3, let others decide what should happen next. I'd say you'd like to keep in touch but as she's blocked your efforts to communicate for your own sanity you're not going to continue to include her.

I had a friend like this who was essentially my best friend for 6 years or so, we were very close. However, she didn't like the fact that she'd told me lots of secrets of hers including that she'd had an affair. Eventually me knowing go too much for her so she ended all communications. Difficult when you see someone frequently as we live close by. However, I've never met her by herself, but can now see her at a party ( when we had them!) or in a group and the dynamic was fine. But that took around 3 or 4 years to get to that stage!

I think I'd like gnome her dad going for info and just let the conversation progress in an other direction,

*I meant to say "ignore her going for info", but it was too good a DYAC not to share .

I did not know when people were grown ups they dumped friends is this a new thing

@Orkneys

I did not know when people were grown ups they dumped friends is this a new thing

Apparently so.

It sounds to me as if she wants to be friends again without having to apologise.

Rightly or wrongly, she’s dumped you. And she has done you the ‘courtesy’ of telling you that and why - ie no ghosting or long baffling g silences. However, you are both part of a wider WhatsApp group and so she will Co it use to engage I. That group

These sound like the kind of questions that can be answered quite impersonally - so I would just go with that - bright and breezy.

@Aridane

Rightly or wrongly, she’s dumped you. And she has done you the ‘courtesy’ of telling you that and why - ie no ghosting or long baffling g silences. However, you are both part of a wider WhatsApp group and so she will Co it use to engage I. That group

Yes.

That's all correct.

I don't object to her engaging in the group, I object to her using the group to speak to me when she's effectively ended the relationship.

I agree with @HappyDays10101, give brief, general answers to her questions. I use “fine” if I don’t want to say too much, “DD’s fine at school,” for example. Absolutely no detail about your family’s life Or “ The usual” if someone asks what we’ve been doing. I have a nosey relative who often gets these responses.😂

I ageee that you could privately tell more people that you’re not really friends anymore, but I expect it’ll be a while until you all meet in person again so it might be less awkward than you think.

I am friendly with someone who was in an abusive relationship. I felt she tried to feel more powerful by trying to take control over my life. She got extremely angry when I wouldn't do as she said. I've hardly ever stood up for myself to her because I don't want to lose her friendship.

She made cutting remarks which she would late apologise for by spending money on me. She's never verbally apologised. I now just go low contact when she's upset me. She doesn't understand that my mistakes are my own and I get to make my own decisions. We are not as close anymore because I involve her less in my life. It feels like there are so many things I can't talk to her about because I don't want to set her off. If I feel she is getting irritated I change the subject.

One decision was for a piece of furniture which I wanted. I'd made a decision to pick one from two choices but wasn't quite decided which one. I asked for her opinion and she told me I didn't need either of them. She said I didn't need one and I couldn't afford it and they were both too big. I told her I had saved up and got a voucher to go towards the cost and had measured and both were fine. She just kept telling me I didn't need the piece of furniture and got nasty about my finances. I made the decision and am extremely happy with the one I chose. It isn't too large and is exactly what I needed.

A few people have commented and asked where I bought it from when she was present. I can tell when she keeps quiet that she's still annoyed about me not doing as she said. She is single at the moment and seems a lot more easy going. Our friendship still isn't what it was.

Maybe she thinks you dumped her? Either way, why are you emailing each other to analyse each other's personalities rather than speaking on the phone?

@countrynutkin

Did your friend post on Mumsnet about the email she wrote? It sounds familiar but from another POV!!

Yes I remember it she basically emailed her friend to say she didn't want to be friends .

It didn't sound like 'dumping' to me but unless people actually talk to each other it's hard to catch tone/nuance/meaning from text a lot of the time

@sadie9

Maybe she thinks you dumped her? Either way, why are you emailing each other to analyse each other's personalities rather than speaking on the phone?

I actually did speak to her on the phone. We had a long discussion about why our friendship was feeling a bit wobbly.

Her follow up was this email.

@PandemicAtTheDisco

I am friendly with someone who was in an abusive relationship. I felt she tried to feel more powerful by trying to take control over my life. She got extremely angry when I wouldn't do as she said. I've hardly ever stood up for myself to her because I don't want to lose her friendship.

She made cutting remarks which she would late apologise for by spending money on me. She's never verbally apologised. I now just go low contact when she's upset me. She doesn't understand that my mistakes are my own and I get to make my own decisions. We are not as close anymore because I involve her less in my life. It feels like there are so many things I can't talk to her about because I don't want to set her off. If I feel she is getting irritated I change the subject.

One decision was for a piece of furniture which I wanted. I'd made a decision to pick one from two choices but wasn't quite decided which one. I asked for her opinion and she told me I didn't need either of them. She said I didn't need one and I couldn't afford it and they were both too big. I told her I had saved up and got a voucher to go towards the cost and had measured and both were fine. She just kept telling me I didn't need the piece of furniture and got nasty about my finances. I made the decision and am extremely happy with the one I chose. It isn't too large and is exactly what I needed.

A few people have commented and asked where I bought it from when she was present. I can tell when she keeps quiet that she's still annoyed about me not doing as she said. She is single at the moment and seems a lot more easy going. Our friendship still isn't what it was.

Oh, that's interesting, I'm sorry you had that experience, I hadn't thought of it from a perspective of maybe trying to gain back control.

This friend did tell me that she was 'jealous' that I had sorted out my life. It wasn't exactly easy - I had to have years of therapy for complex trauma caused by an abusive childhood. I had to report my own bloody parents to the police than go through the stress of waiting to find out if they'd follow through on their threat to take us to family court for access to the dc.

She knows all of this, but she's 'jealous'? I'd give me right arm not to have lived through what I had to.

Sorry, rambling and missed my point.

We were both in abusive relationships. I got out. Our friendship dynamic changed for the worse. She is now single. The dynamic seems to be improving.

i don't think you need to tell the others, but i disagree with pp about how to handle the chat. Just don't answer any of her questions. Pretend they aren't there. Talk normally to everyone else - see how it goes for a while.

You'll just have to gnome her dad then...

I wouldn't tell the others in the group what has happened. It just sounds gossipy and your other friends may feel that they are being to pick sides.

I agree it's strange she's asking you direct questions. However, you have the choices here:

1. Answer as you would to any other friend (i.e. ignore the previous exchange)
2. Ignore and not reply
3. Reply in short and civil answers. Eg. Q: How is your DD getting on in school? Your answer: She's doing great thanks.

Everything she said about you sound like pure projection for she has accused you of doing exactly what she has done. She has actually done you a massive favour as you no longer need to be beholden to her or to be her emotional crutch. As for what to do, it is very difficult to ascertain if she is trying to eject you from the group, save face or rekindle the friendship. Could you try offering some basic info to the group about your life, which sort of answer her questions then see if you can set up a little dialogue, ask a question in turn? See if she bites? Once you see how she acts, maybe you can ascertain her motives.

You could leave speak to the others, explain why you are leaving the group and then setup a seperate group for conversations just with the friends that you have remained friends with.

If the dumper friend wants to continue to converse with those other friends or arrange a night away with them then she can do so and you can avoid any interaction with her and, as you wont be going on the nights away, it wont impact you.

And you can keep contact with the other friends which I think is important.

I think @Sssloou 17:55. Nailed it. & that's what I'd do.

It's going to affect the others & I think you should let them know what's going on. Protecting her is hurting you.

Personally if you enter want others to know what’s gone on I would do short responses on the group chat

How are you. Fine
Hoes your DDs school. Fine

Etc I would not engage in any long conversation