Long term friend has ended our friendship but wants to chat to me on a group chat

[meghansparkles]

Very long story short, friend and I have been friends since Uni and have the same group of uni friends.

She and I were very, very close - closer than the others in the group. The last few years we've had a few school reunions going and have all been on weekends away together. As a result there's a whatsapp group of the 5 of us that was used to organise these trips.

Since lockdown as there's obviously been no weekend group away this year we've chatted in the group as a way of staying in touch, seeing how DC are doing etc. All fine.

However, a couple of months ago my very close friend basically dumped me by email. There's not a lot of point going into the ins and out of it, but she essentially said 'bye, see you later and I'll see you at the reunions if we're ever allowed to meet up like that again.'

I hadn't done anything 'wrong' there was nothing for me to apologise for, I just didn't agree with her opinion on my life - which she had spilled out in an email and when I disagreed/put my side across she dumped me.

Anyway, I accepted that. But now, having dumped me, she sometimes chooses to engage with me on the group chat - asking me if I had a nice holiday/birthday. The latest thing was asking me on a group about my DD's school place.

I find it really odd that you would terminate a friendship from them, not respond to their response to this and then chat with them in a whatsapp group as if nothing had happened.

Any thoughts?

@velourvoyageur

It sounds like she’s more comfortable having you as an acquaintance. She’s less interested in being close, but now that she’s outlined her boundaries she feels more able to chat with you, knowing you won’t expect the conversation to develop much. It must be hurtful and confusing, but I think I do understand her reasoning and it’s not worth trying to ascribe shameful intentions here. If you find it too unsettling - totally understandable - you might want to mention it to her. She will see where you’re coming from, surely.

How do I mention it to her when she will not acknowledge my email though?

The only place where she acknowledges me is the group chat so I'd have to write it there.

@velourvoyageur

Ah, didn’t see last posts - she does sound like someone you’d want to steer clear of. I think I’d probably give polite but brief responses in the hope she gets the message?

Sorry I missed your subsequent post too!

Surely the point here is that she has dumped you but not the rest of the group and as you obviously don’t want to see her in the future the rest of the group need to know what has gone on or at least that you won’t be included in trips etc if she is so that they can decide who they want to side with . You cannot keep this from the others unless you are going to join in as usual or stop seeing them as she obviously intends to carry on seeing them .

Might be handy to know what the disagreement was over? You might think it's nothing, but it could be something big to someone else.

@Floralnomad

Surely the point here is that she has dumped you but not the rest of the group and as you obviously don’t want to see her in the future the rest of the group need to know what has gone on or at least that you won’t be included in trips etc if she is so that they can decide who they want to side with . You cannot keep this from the others unless you are going to join in as usual or stop seeing them as she obviously intends to carry on seeing them .

These are my thoughts long term.

I guess because of Covid there will be imminent trips anyway so it hasn't felt urgent to explain.

I also don't think people should have to take sides. But I can also see that I'm going to end up removing myself because of her.

I did confide in the one friend and she invited me and dc for a camping weekend, which was lovely.

She started this by complaining about you to you then getting sensitive when you said actually no, I'm happy. I would ignore her. If others ask about it tell the truth. Why pretend all is fine when she has upset you ?

@jimmyjammy001

Might be handy to know what the disagreement was over? You might think it's nothing, but it could be something big to someone else.

Basically she's in a coercively controlling relationship which I have supported her in trying to navigate over the years.

She resolved to stay, which was her choice. I've always supported her.

Then she wrote this long email all about how I think I'm invisible and always just acquiesce to others wishes.

Which I found absolutely unacceptable since I've spent the last year escaping from my toxic parents - which has involved the knowledge that I'm disinheriting my dc from their vast riches, years of hell being harassed by them resulting in finally reporting them to the police.

So yes, I did find it a bit rich that she resolved to stay with her rich, controlling husband (which I have never, ever judged her for) then accuse me of inertia when I have fought tooth and nail to save myself and my dc from abusive family.

In your shoes I'd definitely be explaining to the others what's happened before she gets her version of events in and you find yourself out of the group.
Don't leave the group again! Makes it too easy for her to make out its you with the issue.

Don’t remove yourself from the group unless you’re confident the rest of the group will want to set up a separate group without her.

If she keeps asking you questions, maybe just say “sorry I don’t feel comfortable answering questions about my family, since you emailed saying that you didn’t want to be friends with me anymore”.

Yes it might be a bit awkward for the rest of the group, but they’ll probably love it... they’ll be reaching for the popcorn as it unfolds.

Why don't you just ignore her questions? As in, pretend you haven't noticed them?

I dony think there's individual blue ticks on group chats, so theoretically you could just have missed it.

You sound nice OP.

Seems to me she may regret her actions and want to get back into the group.

I think you should have a chat (a real chat by phone call) with each of the others just to explain. Best not to WhatsApp as you wouldn't want it accidentally forwarded.

It's a bit difficult without the background.

WHY was she giving you her opinion on your life? Was it impacting her? Was she worried about your physical or mental health? Was she worried about your kids or something?

I think without knowing that it's a bit hard to make sense if it.

You must tell your other friends op, stop being so nice. She is setting you up to push you out of the group and take your place. Don't let her!

Btw, one part of your email was definitely wrong, she is not an incredible person and you are better off without her.

@MrsBobDylan

You must tell your other friends op, stop being so nice. She is setting you up to push you out of the group and take your place. Don't let her!

Btw, one part of your email was definitely wrong, she is not an incredible person and you are better off without her.

It's all really difficult, it's only when I'm writing it down that I can see that I've been seeing it purely from the position of she's in an abusive relationship and therefore I must not cut off any avenues of support for her, including me.

But actually that comes at a cost to me who has lost a close friend and then is simultaneously expected to be in her life.

@RainingBatsAndFrogs

Did she assume that because you didn't agree with her about your life that you were dumping her?

This That's what I thought - what do you mean you don't agree with her lifestyle choices and told her so by "putting your point across?" That could be taken as she felt you were judging her/dumping her so said "see you around then" as thought you weren't interested anymore?

I think it’s v clear. You have done something that she is unable to do - leave a coercively controlling RS and forfeit cash. That’s what “she doesn’t agree with” - because that’s what she wants to do but can’t.

Your previous intimate and intense close RS was based on your common problem - now you have fixed yours she can’t cope with this. Also you know all her secrets and she is left feeling vulnerable and exposed.

She needed you out of her intimate emotional life but realises that there is a cost to that with other wider friendship group - so like many manipulative people
she is trying to have her cake and eat it - sideline you but “pretend” to the group all is well.

As others have said I would make a b quick low on detail call to each of the others so that they know what the dynamics are on the WA groups. I would never respond to any of her Qs to you - the others will know why and not care.

No idea how the trips away will pan out - don’t ask people to choose - but they may end up doing so anyway.

Oh crap, ignore, misread she was giving you HER opinion on YOUR life - meh, better off without her then.

Quaagars sorry I think there's been a misunderstanding - I never said I didn't agree with her lifestyle choices. Either to her or on this thread.

I did say I didn't agree with her assessment of everything that she has decided is wrong with me. And I don't.

@Quaagars

Oh crap, ignore, misread she was giving you HER opinion on YOUR life - meh, better off without her then.

Cross post! Thanks

I totally agree people should not have to choose but in reality they will have to unless they want to do one trip away with her and then another away with you etc . It’s not fair to expect people to choose without at least knowing the bare bones of the issue .

@Sssloou

I think it’s v clear. You have done something that she is unable to do - leave a coercively controlling RS and forfeit cash. That’s what “she doesn’t agree with” - because that’s what she wants to do but can’t.

Your previous intimate and intense close RS was based on your common problem - now you have fixed yours she can’t cope with this. Also you know all her secrets and she is left feeling vulnerable and exposed.

She needed you out of her intimate emotional life but realises that there is a cost to that with other wider friendship group - so like many manipulative people
she is trying to have her cake and eat it - sideline you but “pretend” to the group all is well.

As others have said I would make a b quick low on detail call to each of the others so that they know what the dynamics are on the WA groups. I would never respond to any of her Qs to you - the others will know why and not care.

No idea how the trips away will pan out - don’t ask people to choose - but they may end up doing so anyway.

I agree with all of this except I don't this she is manipulative I just think she lacks emotional intelligence.

Her husband tells her she's nasty etc and I don't believe this narrative. I do think there are some social issues with her that are more likely down to probably not being neurotypical and this is the stuff that others rub up against and it's what her DH uses as ammunition against her.

A friend (who lives a long distance away) dumped me from our messaging friendship. But we are part of a group that meets infrequently but enthusiastically.

The last one was a full weekend and I was extremely keen to see other members, some of whom were flying into the country specifically for it. So I went and so did she. I was dreading it. But we both behaved like grown ups and no-one in the group of eight or nine would have known there was anything wrong between us as we chatted entirely normally. We also participate in the occasional group discussion in the same way.

I'd say it shows maturity to do so, and ensures that the group can continue to function without spoiling it for anyone else. So I'd advise doing what she's doing and participate normally. Just continue not communicating one on one.

I can see that I've been seeing it purely from the position of she's in an abusive relationship and therefore I must not cut off any avenues of support for her, including me.

Sounds like you are in an abusive RS with her.......she gets to tell you she doesn’t agree with your life choices and then dumps you - but wants to pretend to the outside world that all’s fine. Wonder where she learnt this dynamic?

Oh she wants to Wendy you. Tell the others. Tell them in a way that doesn't bitch about Dumping Friend but make it clear that she is putting you in an awkward situation.

Just say the facts as you've said here. Explain you are sure DF had her own reasons to want to cut contact with you even though you don't understand them, and that you felt hurt and confused at the time. But now you can't pretend to be friends with DF on the group chat after her dumping of you but that you would very much like to stay friends with everyone else.

Don't let her play the fake friend game.

Sounds like she really launched into you - but why, what triggered it?

As for the group, I'd stay on it but either ignore or give very brief answers to her questions.

I'd probably also send a private message to each of the other group members explaining that you're not sure why, but you recently got long email from x accusing you of various strange things and ending the friendship. Off the back of that, you're not entirely comfortable getting into chats with her on whatsapp. Explain that you're in no way trying to get them involved, but just wanted to explain in case it looks odd or like you're being a bit cold on the chat. I might even add in that you're not sure what's going on but that hopefully it'll all blow over soon. Be careful about not being too accusatory about her as it can have the effect of making others think it must be you in the wrong.