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Original poster

Long term friend has ended our friendship but wants to chat to me on a group chat

152 replies

meghansparkles · 26/10/2020 16:36

Very long story short, friend and I have been friends since Uni and have the same group of uni friends.

She and I were very, very close - closer than the others in the group. The last few years we've had a few school reunions going and have all been on weekends away together. As a result there's a whatsapp group of the 5 of us that was used to organise these trips.

Since lockdown as there's obviously been no weekend group away this year we've chatted in the group as a way of staying in touch, seeing how DC are doing etc. All fine.

However, a couple of months ago my very close friend basically dumped me by email. There's not a lot of point going into the ins and out of it, but she essentially said 'bye, see you later and I'll see you at the reunions if we're ever allowed to meet up like that again.'

I hadn't done anything 'wrong' there was nothing for me to apologise for, I just didn't agree with her opinion on my life - which she had spilled out in an email and when I disagreed/put my side across she dumped me.

Anyway, I accepted that. But now, having dumped me, she sometimes chooses to engage with me on the group chat - asking me if I had a nice holiday/birthday. The latest thing was asking me on a group about my DD's school place.

I find it really odd that you would terminate a friendship from them, not respond to their response to this and then chat with them in a whatsapp group as if nothing had happened.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Shizzlestix · 26/10/2020 19:15

I think I’d ask her on the group chat why she dumped you but still wants to know about your life, but then I can be a really passive aggressive cow.

Feedingthebirds1 · 26/10/2020 19:17

If you told one of the group what's happened, any chance she's given the rest of the group a heads up even if she hasn't gone into details?

I wouldn't leave the group, why should you? Answer her questions factually and in as few words as possible.

How's your DD?
She's OK.

With the other group members be as chatty and normal as you always would. She'll get the message.

She launched into a character assassination of you without any deliberate provocation, and then when you stood up for yourself she dumped you. She doesn't get to dictate how you respond to that.

acerred · 26/10/2020 19:33

So you had a disagreement, two months has passed and it sounds like it's water under the bridge for her but you are still bearing a grudge?

Life is too short.

Nomorepies · 26/10/2020 19:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Eddielzzard · 26/10/2020 19:34

What I think she can't handle is that you stood up to your abusers / parents and she hasn't stood up to her DH. So possibly she feels ashamed that she has gone to you for help over the years but not seen leaving him through. Meanwhile you've successfully extricated yourself. I'd imagine a complex smorgasbord of guilt, resentment, jealousy, disappointment, embarrassment and helplessness. All turned on you as an outlet.

But none of this is your fault and you sound like a lovely friend, with lovely friends.

Eckhart · 26/10/2020 19:41

Ask her on the group chat if she's received your emails.

Original poster
meghansparkles · 26/10/2020 19:43

@acerred

So you had a disagreement, two months has passed and it sounds like it's water under the bridge for her but you are still bearing a grudge?

Life is too short.

I wouldn't say I bear a grudge. I accept that she ended the friendship. Now she needs to accept my acceptance of that, I think.
OP posts:
SunshineCake · 26/10/2020 19:45

@acerred

So you had a disagreement, two months has passed and it sounds like it's water under the bridge for her but you are still bearing a grudge?

Life is too short.

Life's to short to let someone treat you like crap then act like nothing happened.
Haffdonga · 26/10/2020 20:03

I wouldn't say I bear a grudge. I accept that she ended the friendship. Now she needs to accept my acceptance of that, I think

She's clearly trying to engage you. Sounds to me like she didn't think she was dumping you. She probably thought she was having a temporary huff after letting off steam at you and she's expecting you to 'make up'. It's only your opinion that it was a permanent/ no going back dumping.

If you have decided that you don't want to forgive and forget then take ownership of that and honestly tell your other friends that you don't want to be Dumper's friend any more.

Another option is to contact her again outside the group chat and call her out on her two-faced behaviour. Ask her why. She may well be shocked that you feel dumped and apologise. Or she may carry on being arsey, in which case you'll know that you are justified in cutting her out.

ekidmxcl · 26/10/2020 20:05

You could write brush off answers on the group chat?

"all good"

just to catch all of her questions

acerred · 26/10/2020 20:05

Life's to short to let someone treat you like crap then act like nothing happened.

OP doesn't need to act like that though, they can discuss it like mature adults?

saraclara · 26/10/2020 20:08

@anniemouse

I wouldn't tell the others in the group what has happened. It just sounds gossipy and your other friends may feel that they are being to pick sides.

I agree it's strange she's asking you direct questions. However, you have the choices here:

  1. Answer as you would to any other friend (i.e. ignore the previous exchange)
  2. Ignore and not reply
  3. Reply in short and civil answers. Eg. Q: How is your DD getting on in school? Your answer: She's doing great thanks.
I completely agree with this.

As I said in my earlier post, it was important to me that our group still functioned harmoniously. Much as I'd have loved to vent to them about her actions and the things she said to me, I resisted the temptation. It just wasn't fair to involve the others, who'd feel they had to choose sides, and it would be bound to make our get togethers more awkward.

To be fair to her, it seemed that she'd done the same, because there was no hint of anyone being aware of what had happened between us.

I'm still very upset at her decision, and it's been a couple of years now. And is still like to moan to the others! But I have no regrets about being a grown up about it, and I'm glad she was too. I'm not sure our group would have survived otherwise, and I'd hate to have caused it to fall apart.

Original poster
meghansparkles · 26/10/2020 20:22

@acerred

Life's to short to let someone treat you like crap then act like nothing happened.

OP doesn't need to act like that though, they can discuss it like mature adults?

I have tried. She won't speak to me. Therefore we can't discuss it like mature adults.
OP posts:
DonnaDonna01 · 26/10/2020 20:39

I hope you’ve kept the emails between the two of you. I’d tell my friends but probably be prepared for denials by her and she’ll try her best to make you look bad. She wants to keep the group on side while dumping you because you’ve achieved something she couldn’t.

ElspethFlashman · 26/10/2020 20:49

You could do the savage thing, and respond with 👍

I mean, not even dignifying her enquiry with a word, lol. God, the satisfaction of it.

melisande99 · 26/10/2020 21:10

I found it interesting you (who have known her intimately for years) described her as lacking emotional intelligence rather than being manipulative, yet so many people are telling you that it's all a power play and you need to fight back hard against her machinations. I mean, look, I don't know. I don't know your friend. But as someone who is definitely more on the "lacking emotional intelligence" end of the spectrum than the "manipulative" end, I'm just utterly baffled by the tone of most of this thread. Perhaps your friend is similarly oblivious.

MintyMabel · 26/10/2020 21:16

that she resolved to stay with her rich, controlling husband (which I have never, ever judged her for)

That sounds a little bit judgy.

Original poster
meghansparkles · 26/10/2020 21:18

@MintyMabel

that she resolved to stay with her rich, controlling husband (which I have never, ever judged her for)

That sounds a little bit judgy.

Probably. But not of her, of him. Who I hate with every inch of my being because of how he treats my (now ex) best friend and her dc.
OP posts:
Original poster
meghansparkles · 26/10/2020 21:19

@melisande99

I found it interesting you (who have known her intimately for years) described her as lacking emotional intelligence rather than being manipulative, yet so many people are telling you that it's all a power play and you need to fight back hard against her machinations. I mean, look, I don't know. I don't know your friend. But as someone who is definitely more on the "lacking emotional intelligence" end of the spectrum than the "manipulative" end, I'm just utterly baffled by the tone of most of this thread. Perhaps your friend is similarly oblivious.
Thank you. I welcome that perspective. I don't think on her part that there was ever malice intended, nor manipulation.
OP posts:
Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor · 26/10/2020 21:33

Thank you. I welcome that perspective. I don't think on her part that there was ever malice intended, nor manipulation.

In that case I'd just reply in a civil non committal way to her questions. But don't leave the group chat or anything.

TheWittedBastard · 26/10/2020 21:46

So you had a disagreement, two months has passed and it sounds like it's water under the bridge for her but you are still bearing a grudge?

No, @acerred.
OP's friend issued an unwarranted character assassination via email/text, (likely projecting because OP has escaped financially comfy abuse, while friend chooses to keep the money & put up with her own domestic abuse), refused to respond to OP's rebuttal apart from sacking OP off, ignored all individual comms for 2 months & is now two-facedly pretending all is well in order to keep in with the wider group.

That's not "water under the bridge", that's cold manipulation, & OP has no reason to put up with it.

Aridane · 26/10/2020 21:49

@wheretonow123

You could leave speak to the others, explain why you are leaving the group and then setup a seperate group for conversations just with the friends that you have remained friends with.

If the dumper friend wants to continue to converse with those other friends or arrange a night away with them then she can do so and you can avoid any interaction with her and, as you wont be going on the nights away, it wont impact you.

And you can keep contact with the other friends which I think is important.

That makes the OP seriously high maintenance
TheWittedBastard · 26/10/2020 21:49

*Another option is to contact her again outside the group chat and call her out on her two-faced behaviour.&

@Haffdonga - OP has already done so! Dumper refuses to engage, has sent OP to Coventry, but is acting 'all is well' for the benefit of the Whatsapp friends.
Dumper is a hypocritical manipulator, & I suspect OP is well rid.

ColleagueFromMars · 26/10/2020 21:55

This sounds like a really tricky situation to navigate. What she had done is especially shitty because it runs the high risk of splitting a friendship group up.

I think if I felt able to, I would reply in the group chat. Maybe not every message, as if you just didn't see them, but some. Pleasant, vague, short, surface level noncommittal stuff. The type of thing you'd share with say an ex work colleague you bumped into in the street.

I think if you tell the others no matter how discretely, you stand a risk of being thought of as the one who created the drama.

Haffdonga · 26/10/2020 22:05

@TheWittedBastard

*Another option is to contact her again outside the group chat and call her out on her two-faced behaviour.&

@Haffdonga - OP has already done so! Dumper refuses to engage, has sent OP to Coventry, but is acting 'all is well' for the benefit of the Whatsapp friends.
Dumper is a hypocritical manipulator, & I suspect OP is well rid.

I know that. I RTFT Wink

I'm suggesting that perhaps Dumper had what she thought was a temporary sulk and hasn't realised that if you behave like this you can't just switch a friendship back on when you have decided that punishment is over.

Dumper's clearly trying to re-engage OP - whether that's to act the innocent injured party in front of the others OR because she regrets her behaviour and doesn't know how to apologise OR because she genuinely doesn't think she's ended the friendship OP will never know - unless OP asks.

And it would be quite understandable if OP decides she really doesn't give a shit.