Long term friend has ended our friendship but wants to chat to me on a group chat

[meghansparkles]

Very long story short, friend and I have been friends since Uni and have the same group of uni friends.

She and I were very, very close - closer than the others in the group. The last few years we've had a few school reunions going and have all been on weekends away together. As a result there's a whatsapp group of the 5 of us that was used to organise these trips.

Since lockdown as there's obviously been no weekend group away this year we've chatted in the group as a way of staying in touch, seeing how DC are doing etc. All fine.

However, a couple of months ago my very close friend basically dumped me by email. There's not a lot of point going into the ins and out of it, but she essentially said 'bye, see you later and I'll see you at the reunions if we're ever allowed to meet up like that again.'

I hadn't done anything 'wrong' there was nothing for me to apologise for, I just didn't agree with her opinion on my life - which she had spilled out in an email and when I disagreed/put my side across she dumped me.

Anyway, I accepted that. But now, having dumped me, she sometimes chooses to engage with me on the group chat - asking me if I had a nice holiday/birthday. The latest thing was asking me on a group about my DD's school place.

I find it really odd that you would terminate a friendship from them, not respond to their response to this and then chat with them in a whatsapp group as if nothing had happened.

Any thoughts?

I agree with saraclara.

This woman sounds controlling and paranoid and wants to have her cake and eat it by excluding you from the friendship group but playing nicey nicey when other people are around. She clearly has a lot of issues and you have become a catalyst for these, for reasons which are fairly obvious.

However, and this may sound like a cop-out, but I don't recommend telling "your side of the story" to anyone. It won't ultimately make you look good and it puts a lot of unfair pressure on others.

I've been in situations similar to this and for the other people it can become absolutely toxic being expected to pick sides. In these scenarios keeping a dignified silence will ultimately look better. If you give other people a blow by blow account of what happened you will look petty and gossipy and they will feel they need to get "her" side, which probably won't be flattering to you and will just inflame things. In my experience in these situations the other members of the group have usually worked things out for themselves anyway and you giving your perspective will make you look vindictive.

It's tough and unfair but I would rise above it unless someone asks you directly. And if this means going along to group meet-ups and being superficially nice or responding in a superficially chatty way on the WhatsApp I'd bite the bullet and do it. You may want to take it up with her offline and ask her if she wants to reengage or whether she is just being two-faced. But I wouldn't engage anyone else.

Maybe this sounds pathetic but the dynamics of group friendships seldom benefit from lots of gossip and in-fighting. In the long-run you are damaging a whole friendship group.

@thepeopleversuswork

I agree with saraclara.

This woman sounds controlling and paranoid and wants to have her cake and eat it by excluding you from the friendship group but playing nicey nicey when other people are around. She clearly has a lot of issues and you have become a catalyst for these, for reasons which are fairly obvious.

However, and this may sound like a cop-out, but I don't recommend telling "your side of the story" to anyone. It won't ultimately make you look good and it puts a lot of unfair pressure on others.

I've been in situations similar to this and for the other people it can become absolutely toxic being expected to pick sides. In these scenarios keeping a dignified silence will ultimately look better. If you give other people a blow by blow account of what happened you will look petty and gossipy and they will feel they need to get "her" side, which probably won't be flattering to you and will just inflame things. In my experience in these situations the other members of the group have usually worked things out for themselves anyway and you giving your perspective will make you look vindictive.

It's tough and unfair but I would rise above it unless someone asks you directly. And if this means going along to group meet-ups and being superficially nice or responding in a superficially chatty way on the WhatsApp I'd bite the bullet and do it. You may want to take it up with her offline and ask her if she wants to reengage or whether she is just being two-faced. But I wouldn't engage anyone else.

Maybe this sounds pathetic but the dynamics of group friendships seldom benefit from lots of gossip and in-fighting. In the long-run you are damaging a whole friendship group.

Thank you, I think this is good advice.

I just want to say thank you for all of the advice on this thread. I don't think there's any right or wrong or single answer to this.

This isn't an AIBU thread, it's a really tricky relationship thread that is based on a longstanding friendship of 25 years and I appreicate all of the perspectives. More so, when perspectives on the thread overlap they illustrate the contradictions in my own self and my own way of dealing with it.

I don't have a solid answer to it. I just know that my best friend dumped me then tried to act as though she hadn't in front of our oldest mutual friends.

I don't know her motivation. I do know that it made me feel rubbish, that I tried to rise above it and that several months later I have realised that trying to rise above it have compounded my feelings of hurt.

That's all I've got.

Thank you so much for all of your insights.

I hope you find a way forward that makes it easier, and makes you feel better, OP. It's a difficult situation and you sound lovely. More fool her for losing your friendship.

Good luck OP. I still struggle with this, years later. Like you, after a few months had gone by, I attempted to re-engage, but it went badly. And like you, I find the reasoning behind her decision incredibly unfair. I do feel angry that I have nowhere to vent, and that she's really popular with the group, who'd actually be really shocked if they read her messages that night. But of course I can't show them those messages.

So yes, in a way, keeping it to myself has been necessary as well as the grown up thing. Because she behaved in a way they wouldn't expect of her, I think it's entirely likely that some at least, would take her side - or at least they might think I must have misunderstood her.

I think she likely didn’t actually intend to dump you altogether, just not be close friends anymore. Like we have too much disagreement to be close, but I still care about you and are happy to hang out in a group, and not ruin the group dynamics.

@12309845653ghydrvj

I think she likely didn’t actually intend to dump you altogether, just not be close friends anymore. Like we have too much disagreement to be close, but I still care about you and are happy to hang out in a group, and not ruin the group dynamics.

I think you could be right.

She just didn't consider how it might feel for me to be relegated from best friend to acquaintance in the space of day on her say-so without consulting me.

If that was the case she assumed she could occupy as vacancy that wasn't available to her.

I think she absolutely meant to dump you because that is what she wants and she is not your friend, but now is trying to save face with the others as you have done nothing wrong. Talk with the friend that you went camping with. She is in the group and obviously cares about you. Ask her why she thinks X keeps trying to talk publicly but won't privately.

The friend I dumped was jealous and nasty of our lovely friend as she was in a stable position. She was fine to me as my exH was as nasty as hers. It was when I could see my friend was being hurt due to jealousy and nothing she had done wrong that I stopped talking to our other friend.

@Enough4me

I think she absolutely meant to dump you because that is what she wants and she is not your friend, but now is trying to save face with the others as you have done nothing wrong. Talk with the friend that you went camping with. She is in the group and obviously cares about you. Ask her why she thinks X keeps trying to talk publicly but won't privately.

The friend I dumped was jealous and nasty of our lovely friend as she was in a stable position. She was fine to me as my exH was as nasty as hers. It was when I could see my friend was being hurt due to jealousy and nothing she had done wrong that I stopped talking to our other friend.

Thank you.

So many opposing views.

All this you’re happy to leave the group etc. why would you voluntarily remove yourself from your friendship group, which you are more of a key member than her, to support her? It’s very doormat- you thinking: Amy is not my friend so I should make sure Amy’s friendship group is preserved and I don’t deserve friends?

You do deserve friends. Stay in the group. Go on weekends. Tell someone she’s dumped you, as she resents your escaping a relationship like she can’t, and doesn’t like facing that, you deserve someone having your back wihtout having to make a big group fuss. Minimal / non responses to her (I also think she’s pretending to treat you normally to save face with the others)

Sounds to me like she's trying to keep things civil with you, for the sake of not messing up your friendship group and dragging your other friends into it. It seems to be a reasonable response to me. I don't get all the accusations on this thread of her being manipulative or abusive. I don't know where people are getting that from at all.

From what you've said, things got complicated in your friendship and she wants to step back, which is her choice. She might just not be in a place to address things right now, it's a really hard time for everyone and maybe she doesn't think she can cope with deep discussions.

Hopefully you'll be able to rebuild things at some point. I'd say her engaging with in a group chat is a good sign for that. Maybe not at the depth you were before though.

The last two posts sum up the conflict I've been feeling perfectly.

To be honest I think it's just finally dawned on me that I really don't want her in my life and that includes her not knowing anything about my life.

I'm not hoping to rebuild things with her. I think maybe I felt that a few months ago but now I don't. Her trying to engage with me last week really showed that to me.

Thanks for all the perspectives on this.

I suspect that she wants to remain civil towards you as she wants to remain in the friendship group. If, as you've said, she's not as popular (she'll know this) then she'll need to remain on good terms with you to keep her place (god I hate the politics of friendship groups), especially if you do the lions share of arranging weekends away. Although that does sound quite selfish in her part. Doesn't want to be friends but is happy to use you to keep her place in the group/trips away.

Fair enough to step back from you, she obviously has her reasons, but it sounds like she's been quite cruel in doing so. In your shoes I'd not step back from the group, keep civil but don't engage with her, your friends will realise what's happening (as you've told one already) but it will make it awkward when you do eventually start up meet up again, more so for her I suspect

Does the WA group meet in RL often in smaller groups and is there personal communication between individual members offline as well.

Has she been asking the other other WA members the same individual Qs she has started asking you directly in this forum or is this a new tactic?

Maybe the others haven’t been in contact with her offline or in RL - or maybe she doesn’t want to stand out on the WA for not communicating directly to you if it would show her up?

I have a situation with a sister who cut me off - didn’t respond to any of my texts etc - but then 10 months later wished me happy birthday on the family what’s app at 11pm after all of the others had - I just saw this is as disingenuous and covering her own arse. The rest of the family (to my knowledge) were not aware that she had blanked me for 10 months.

@Sssloou

Does the WA group meet in RL often in smaller groups and is there personal communication between individual members offline as well.

Has she been asking the other other WA members the same individual Qs she has started asking you directly in this forum or is this a new tactic?

Maybe the others haven’t been in contact with her offline or in RL - or maybe she doesn’t want to stand out on the WA for not communicating directly to you if it would show her up?

I have a situation with a sister who cut me off - didn’t respond to any of my texts etc - but then 10 months later wished me happy birthday on the family what’s app at 11pm after all of the others had - I just saw this is as disingenuous and covering her own arse. The rest of the family (to my knowledge) were not aware that she had blanked me for 10 months.

Actually, no, thinking back it's only me she asks questions of. Her other contributions are just photos of what her and dc are going.

The others definitely aren't in contact with her offline.

One I know thinks she's a bit strange, another says she doesn't know her at all.

She's really only in the reunion thing because I engaged her in it.

I'm not some mad puppet master of relationships but it takes a lot of time and effort to look people up from the past and plan these holidays (we had all drifted and lost touch, it was me that suggested we all get together again. Everybody wanted to, so that was lovely). Without me she would not be in touch with them at all, because she would not have made the effort to make that happen.

It's the same as the holiday planning, she's silent on the group when everyone is arranging accommodation/food etc then just turns up on the day.

I think it is important to note your own feelings here - you helped her / were intimately involved in a difficult situation in her life and she has turned on you - classic Karpman Drama Triangle (look that up).

So you get binned / ousted / character assassinated / deeply hurt. Months later she is slithering back to you through the cover of the group - by the fact that the group doesn’t ask direct personal Qs.

If you sense she is sorry but aware that she is not emotionally intelligent enough to come to you directly with an attempt of an open adult conversation - and you don’t want her back in your life ,.... pay attention to YOUR feelings don’t get distracted by her manipulative manoeuvres. You have given her a lot - included her in this group and tried to support her toxic marriage - and she character assassinates and ignores you for months.

You know you don’t need this drama in your life and you know you are not a doormat. So keep her gone - get your boundaries up.

If she contributes nothing to the trips away that you arrange - I would be delicately phasing her out of these as well. Does she make up for her lack of contribution on organisation by being life and soul, bringing wit, fun, kindness and generosity to the trips instead?

Ffs this entire situation sounds so childish and petty.

I thought it would be something major like trying to shag your DH.

But no, it's just some stinging words.

If you've been friends and close for years, just kiss and make up.
Sounds like you both said hurtful things.

Notice male friends can give each other complete shite to the point of blows, then they cool off and back at the pub together.

It's a bit more honest than this nitpicking bs.

Remember why you've been friends for years.

OP she sounds like a twat. She wants to make a point or not being friends with you but then engage in conversation on her terms? I would not be having that.

Either just ignore her messages on there or say you won't be replying to her messages since she's told you that you're no longer friends.

@Sssloou

I think it is important to note your own feelings here - you helped her / were intimately involved in a difficult situation in her life and she has turned on you - classic Karpman Drama Triangle (look that up).

So you get binned / ousted / character assassinated / deeply hurt. Months later she is slithering back to you through the cover of the group - by the fact that the group doesn’t ask direct personal Qs.

If you sense she is sorry but aware that she is not emotionally intelligent enough to come to you directly with an attempt of an open adult conversation - and you don’t want her back in your life ,.... pay attention to YOUR feelings don’t get distracted by her manipulative manoeuvres. You have given her a lot - included her in this group and tried to support her toxic marriage - and she character assassinates and ignores you for months.

You know you don’t need this drama in your life and you know you are not a doormat. So keep her gone - get your boundaries up.

If she contributes nothing to the trips away that you arrange - I would be delicately phasing her out of these as well. Does she make up for her lack of contribution on organisation by being life and soul, bringing wit, fun, kindness and generosity to the trips instead?

Thank you, I know about the drama triangle from some training I did and it's food for thought.

I feel like she filled in gaps of things she didn't know with her own agenda. Like I spoke to her about feeling disenfranchised from the general election last winter and she was really dismissive about it so I resolved not to have that conversation again.

She then - months later - popped up with 'I was concerned about your mental health because you refused to vote in the election'.

I did vote in the election. She'd literally made it up that I hadn't. Other things like that, I mentioned I'd found an old teacher on LinkedIn and part of her email to me was about how I was such a coward for not getting in contact with the teacher.

Thing is, I had. I had contacted the teacher and had a lovely chat.

It's like if she doesn't know something about me she (incorrectly) fills in the blanks in the most negative light possible.

Having written that down I can see now why the group thing seems so horrible. Is she using it to garner information about my life so she can make the rest up?

The election and the teacher thing, I know they seem small but that's the kind of stuff I corrected about her email to me. If someone is going to make up things that aren't true to build a case about my alleged personality flaws then I am going to correct them when they are using things they have made up to support their viewpoint.

Anyway I got dumped for correcting those things, so...I think I'm probably not up for face value chit chat with her now.

Is she good friends with anyone else in the group or just there because she is (was) friends with you? If that’s the case I’d be inclined to tell the group what’s happened and start a new chat without her - and when you next arrange a weekend away don’t invite her.

@citycitycity

Is she good friends with anyone else in the group or just there because she is (was) friends with you? If that’s the case I’d be inclined to tell the group what’s happened and start a new chat without her - and when you next arrange a weekend away don’t invite her.

There is one I would say that she is closer to than I am (they are geographically the closest two each other of the group) but that one is another one who tends to drop in and out and not do any organising.

The other 2 are just really very kind people who I think maybe don't know what to make of her but would never be unkind to her (quite rightly, I don't want to be unkind to her either).

Not worth the drama. If you haven't even missed her than keep her at arms length and don't answer her questions. What a Flake.

As you've decided you don't want her in your life any more (understandable) and as it sounds like you've been the main getter-together of the group, I'd chat one to one with the other group members separately for a while and let the group fizzle out. Then if there comes a time in the future when you might be able to have a get together start a new group for the new event without her in it. If anyone at that stage says Oh shall we invite Dumper? you can choose whether to say anything. My guess is they'll all quietly be relieved that Dumper isn't coming and just not mention it.