Devastated, DH wants to separate

[Randomness12]

Hi, I’m not sure what I want or need from this post but I feel like I need to get my feelings out.

After a minor disagreement today, my DH has decided he thinks he wants to leave. We’ve been together almost 20 years and have 1 DD3.

I am so, so upset.

We have been going through a bit of a rough patch this year with Covid, job uncertainly and long hours, extra pressure plus home renovations and although I have sometimes felt it may be better so separate I always change my mind and have not said it to him. I love him.

He was going to leave tonight but I convinced him to stay but I’m so worried he will leave and then it feels too final?

He has suggested marriage counselling which I’ve asked for before and he’s always refused. I’ve messaged one we can hopefully see someone soon.

I don’t even know how to begin to feel about this. I feel sick. We are in the same bed (due to renovations) I asked for a cuddle and cried then he rolled over. He’s fast asleep and now I’ve stopped crying I cannot sleep so I’m laying here listening to him sleep and wondering how he can?

I will say I do trust him, he does not have the opportunity to cheat I think he’s just reached the end of his tether and (I’m hoping) it’s stress taking over rather than his real feelings?

This feels like it might be it. I don’t know what to do.

*for

@Randomness12 , please try to keep in mind that none of this is your fault . It seems to me that although you say your husband is a good dad it’s easy to be a good dad when all you do is the fun bits for a few minutes here and there . You’ve been together a long time and I reckon he’s having trouble adjusting to there being a child in the mix and him not being the centre of your world and your number one priority . If you look at it in those terms that makes him a very poor partner and father and you probably deserve much better . I hope counselling works for you if that’s what you really want but I also think that asking him to move out for a couple of days whilst you really think about what you want may make some decisions seem a bit clearer .

Do not drop your hours.

Do not offer to do more; you already do way more than he does AND you make more money. (Suspect the money is bugging him, btw.)

HE should be offering to do more, pulling his weight at home. He doesn't want to. And he's doing this knowing you were about to TTC number two, or so you thought.

I suspect he's already checking out. You're no longer the pliable younger woman he started dating when you were 18. You're more responsible than he is, do more at home and with your child, do all the compromising ... AND your income has just surpassed his, and could probably continue to do so. He can't cope being number 2 in his head, is my guess. So don't cater to his insecurity or fuss over him and his need to be number 1. He frankly doesn't deserve that, but he wants a medal for showing up by the sound of it. That's selfish and entitled.

Protect yourself going forward, financially. And don't bend yourself into a pretzel trying to keep him as it won't change his mind but it will hurt your health.

Well done OP. You need people around you, you are not alone .
You are being strong sorting out the practical things .
I wish you knew me IRL you would see how I was 3 years ago compared to now, and you will know you will be JUST FINE .

You've got this OP. You are stronger than you think. You don't deserve this, but unfortunately, bad things don't only happen to bad people.

He will quickly come to realise that he is the one missing out.

@WinterIsGone

Not wishing to be negative, but having a child is all about hard work and extra stress. You've got the teenage years yet, and perhaps looking after elderly parents, which may be even more stressful than covid. Then either of you may/will be ill. This will require a lot of selfless stepping up to the plate, and putting other people first.

If he is like this now, if you stay together, will he be prepared to step up for these trials? I think he needs to do a lot of soul searching as to what being a grown up means.

@WinterIsGone makes an excellent point.

I hung on in a less than stellar marriage for years before finding the courage to leave.

This year has seen the impact of Covid on GCSE student DD and a terminal diagnosis for my Dad at the outset of lockdown, whilst working F/t initially from home and back in the office from June. I have no siblings or extended family back up.

There is no way I could have coped with my XH's behaviour on top.

He is being incredibly hurtful and cruel here.

He knows that you are 100% committed. He has given himself permission to strike blows to the marriage. I mean: would you say some of the shit that he's said to you to him? Would you hurt your marriage like that? The answer is no, clearly.

Something is wrong and he is the problem. Either he has someone else, has thoughts of someone else or has another unrelated problem. Whichever it is, he seems to want out of the marriage. Experience says that it has to do with someone else. Don't kid yourself he has no opportunity. Unless he is shut in a box with no communication with anyone but you and dd, he does have the opportunity.

I'm not saying it's unsalvageable, but at this point, there is some dishonesty on his part. He needs to say exactly what the problem is otherwise how can you possibly work together to sort it out? You are working on your own in the dark against an unknown problem.

You have it sussed OP. Really you do.

You know what you want and you know what your priorities are.
You are thinking clearly even though it might not feel that way.

I am glad you have a couple of friends and family who are there to support you.

I don’t think you are clutching at straws at all...you are thinking logically and rationally which will put you in a good place going forward. You will come out of this stronger whatever the outcome.

for you. Buy yourself some and remind yourself how great you are!

Well done OP for putting those who care about you in the picture so that they can support YOU.

He is not supportive and does not have your back.

You need support.

MintyCedric Yes, DC's exams plus looking after parents is such a stressful combination. Am very sorry to hear about your father.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this op. My dh said similar things to me three years ago. I felt like he’d driven a knife through me

He said he felt strange in himself and wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore but suggested counselling

It worked very well for us and we are now back on track. He had had a bereavement and been caring for an elderly relative. He was usually so kind but seemed so cruel back then and out of character. He used to sleep for hours on end and would barely shower

In the meantime, take care of you, hard as that sounds. Try and stay calm and outwardly strong. This gives you back some control

I bought some books too. A couple from Relate and ‘I love you but am not in love with you.’It took months of work but it was worth it in the end

Sending you 💐

OP, how are you doing today? How were things when your husband came home last night?

Good on you OP 🌺

You told him you loved him and he said ‘I know you do: Watches Star Wars, does he? Fml.

He does not want another child. DC number 1 is too much for him to cope with. Do you see that you’re doing all the wife work AND shoring up his business?

I remember talking to a friend who left his wife: I think everyone was amazed. His reason was that having dc had ‘changed the dynamic’. I agree, it really does, but either you cope or you don’t. Sounds like your dh isn’t.