Devastated, DH wants to separate

[Randomness12]

Hi, I’m not sure what I want or need from this post but I feel like I need to get my feelings out.

After a minor disagreement today, my DH has decided he thinks he wants to leave. We’ve been together almost 20 years and have 1 DD3.

I am so, so upset.

We have been going through a bit of a rough patch this year with Covid, job uncertainly and long hours, extra pressure plus home renovations and although I have sometimes felt it may be better so separate I always change my mind and have not said it to him. I love him.

He was going to leave tonight but I convinced him to stay but I’m so worried he will leave and then it feels too final?

He has suggested marriage counselling which I’ve asked for before and he’s always refused. I’ve messaged one we can hopefully see someone soon.

I don’t even know how to begin to feel about this. I feel sick. We are in the same bed (due to renovations) I asked for a cuddle and cried then he rolled over. He’s fast asleep and now I’ve stopped crying I cannot sleep so I’m laying here listening to him sleep and wondering how he can?

I will say I do trust him, he does not have the opportunity to cheat I think he’s just reached the end of his tether and (I’m hoping) it’s stress taking over rather than his real feelings?

This feels like it might be it. I don’t know what to do.

OP it's clear that you love him and we are obviously only hearing all the worst things about your relationship but stop making excuses for him. He buys you flowers and chocolates when you explain how you're feeling, what he should be doing is stepping up, LISTENING to you, giving YOU some time.

Tell him you're tired and struggling and you'd like to just take yourself off for a gentle walk one evening. His reaction to that will be all you need to know.

I'm coming at this from a marriage that has suffered my problematic mental health, the break down of our very successful business due to corona, huge financial crisis, me returning to full time work while suffering with chronic fatigue, dh working longer hours and then spending money we haven't got (another story!) My dh can be a huge knob and it's been touch and go and still is tbh. He'd never buy me flowers but his response when I say I just need a lie in/go for a walk/ go out to a friends is always just "OK" because he recognises that we're all under stress here.

It's clear you love him but if you can get to marriage counselling you need to tell him everything you told us but with a renewed attitude of "this is not ok- ever" rather than "I love you but...." he's not hearing you and that's not ok.

Currently the "grass is greener" for him to split.

If he says it again, you need to get tough. Who will have residency of DD, contact arrangements, maintenance etc

My XH thought he was going to skip off to his new single life....until l reminded him that EOW and half of all school holidays were now his to cover. We still split but no way was l going to be a mug and do the "pick me" dance or let him shirk his responsibilities

I know you are both in pretty tight gender roles, but you seem Ok with that, so is there any way you can get any help to relieve the stress and spend more time enjoying your lives? Covid has made everything a nightmare so we all have to be much more intentional to look after our mental health and have some fun.

Could you pay for a sitter every week and spend a day together and just not let yourselves get bogged down in work/housework. To me, this is the classic reason why Jews have a Sabbath, an enforced time of R & R with the family.

I don't think you should "run around like a headless hen" I think you should both do everything you can to focus on stress relief for BOTH of you and spend time together that is enjoyable and relaxing. You both sound like you are on a hamster wheel. The fact that you never find time to exercise for example. Can't you both go for a hike/bike ride every week?

I think you both have to invest time and money into "The Marriage" as an entity. Decide together what would improve life for BOTH of you. It really sounds like you aren't doing that right now. You need more joy, fun and a change of scene. Your husband saying he wants to separate could just be a lack of imagination because he doesn't know how to make it better; but it doesn't seem like the two of you have focused on prioritizing your relationship.

He doesn't sound great at all.
He sounds like a prick who buys you flowers when he's gone too far.
Sounds like you do more than your fair share.
I guess he thinks you're doing all the childcare if he swans off?
I'd honestly not stop him from going but if you did try counselling then I hope you find one who can make him see what a selfish arse he is.
Sorry you're feeling rotten right now.

Thank you everyone, I’m still awake and searching past threads about marriage counselling and whether they work

That he suggested counselling is positive

I see you had your DD 17 years into your relationship which must have caused some huge changes in your lifestyle. Work, life was manageable and then baby comes along requiring even more from you both and a juggling act on top of your demanding job roles.

COVID has been incredibly stressful for many, many people and their relationships...it’s an extra layer of stress and uncertainty on top of life’s usual stuff, changes to childcare and house renovations which are always disruptive. I’d say BOTH of you are struggling, BOTH of you are tired and counselling will help you identify what bits need to change to make life a little easier. Instead of being individuals feeling overwhelmed, you can form a team together..decide on your priorities and work out a plan. It’s just at the moment neither of you have had the headspace to do it, let alone tackle it together so it is easier just to think of leaving.

Good luck. You will get through this.

You mention several times you love him. It not that you know he loves you . I am not saying he is cheating but men who want to always find a way .

My advice is to take him at his word. Don't be clingy, needy or beg him to stay. Be calm, lukewarm and start preparing for life without him. He'll either still leave but you'll be stronger or he will realise what he is about to lose and you will have the foundation to decide whether actually you even want him back.

My H had a similar reaction to being the main carer for a year. It was something I really didn't expect as he has talked previously about being a SAHD.

I say it's time for you to get angry. You are jumping through hoops like a bloody circus monkey, dealing with the absolute lion's share of everything, and the only thing he is willing to so is worry about his job, nothing more. To top it off, he expects you to shower him with gratitude and appreciation. Where's his appreciation for you

That. It's all him and his needs, what about you?

Use the time in counselling to talk about expectations in the family roles for both of you. Talk about how childcare would be covered if you separated. Be practical, competent and brisk. Make this look like a reality to him and let him see how much harder his life would be without you.

If he still wants to split then let him go. You either want to be in a relationship with a committed and loving partner or on your own. Anything else will just make you miserable and chip away at your self esteem. Tell him that and make him see that he is either completely in or completely out, he doesn't get to mess you around any more.

I wish you well.
Do take care what ever the out come please deal with the issues otherwise you might have this come back in the future

Ah op I have been there so many times I know how destroyed you feel. But listen to an old wise woman now - it doesnt matter what the ' true ' reason is : he may or may not be cheating, even if hes stressed, having a nervous breakdown or a mud life crisis, he has told you he wants to split. That is the only concrete fact you have to go on . You can agonise for days but you will never know what is going on in his head . Protect yourself and your child now , legally , emotionally and financially.
Do you have any close family or friends you can go to for support today?
And do yourself a favour, dont tell him everything that is going on in your head now .

In these counselling sessions Or your discussions include that I don’t think he’s thought separating through- I won’t be the back up, I understand and hope he would want regular time with our child but he’s never had that without me doing the cleaning and the cooking, me cancelling things to do his pick up because something work is going on. If we separated he’d have to stand on his own two feet. I have always done this because I love him, but he takes it fro granted and I’m not a doormat.
In fact next time he says he can’t make pick up say are you sure? If we separate and it’s your pick up I’m not my separated husbands house slave. You will have to find the time.

I don't normally post on relationships.
I think marriage counselling could work well for you.
You had 17 years just the two of you.
Then a child thrown into the mix.
Then covid which is enough to stress anyone out.
Your DH saying he wants to separate could just be him saying 'I can't cope with life how it is and I can't see how to fix it', not that he actually wants to separate.

Don’t under estimate the impact of Covid. If you can get into therapy, Make some quick changes to make life fun and a bit easier and delay any big decisions for 6 months. That’s not a lot after 20 years investment. Your DD will be at school when 4 which is a big change. Be radical in thinking about what changes you need.

And yes marriage counselling can work.

It sounds like he's being selfish and immature for expecting you to do more than him, and then to add insult to injury, expects to be thanked, on top of that.

I want to say LTB but I realise he probably has other good points. You need to hammer it home that you are doing more than him!

If you are happy with him and the marriage then I would definitely do my best to salvage it because otherwise won’t you be left with the ‘what ifs’? They are sometimes worse then trying and failing.

In your shoes I’d ask him to tell me 3 things he wants to change in order of priority and then you need to assess whether they are reasonable.

Sounds to me like he needs a break. And yes, of course I agree that you probably do too but it’s him that is at this point of thinking walking is better then staying. It might help him if you show willing. I know ideally you shouldn’t have to and if you had said you also wanted to split I’d say let him go. But it sounds like you want him to stay.

I also would let him leave because he doesn't know how he feels. That's on him. It sounds like none of this is your fault.

So suddenly when he has to do a tiny tiny fraction of the childcare you have had to do, he is out the door! He made that child !

Hells teeth. Get angry. imagine your life without him. It would be a doddle compared. He must have DC half the time. See how he likes them apples.

Whilst you figure out what you want to do, step back from him. Stop running him baths, stop doing his laundry, stop picking up after him. Just stop.

Do not do the 'pick me dance' (google it - usually deals with cheaters, but just as relevant here). I know it feels like you're dying inside but find your backbone and put your game face on. Do not beg, or plead, or try and persuade him.

If he wants to leave then why the fuck should you trot around after him like a good little Stepford wife?

I think counselling could really work here. From what you've written it sounds like there's a lot of love there but you're both just stressed out and drained with life basically (sorry if I've not worded that well - v. tired).

A good friend of mine went through something very similar. She said it was always her who she thought who had thoughts of separating, but then would change her mind. Then one day her DH said he'd had enough and got as far as packing a bag when she realised that she definitely didn't want him to leave. I don't know the details after that, but they worked things out and are still together and seem happy some 8 years on from that.

I hope you get some sleep and some peace. It's a horrible feeling. My marriage to my ex ended but him leaving made me realise it was the right thing. I didn't ever have that feeling of desperately wanting to work it out, even though I was incredibly upset. Sometimes you need a rock bottom to clear your head about things and gain perspective.

It does sound like he’s really fed up and I don’t mean with you.
Life is really dull at the moment. (Covid)
For many people it is just an endless cycle of chores, work, childcare with most of life’s distractions cancelled (seeing family/friends, celebrations, holidays, parties, social/sporting events etc). Everyone is bored of the routine.
The fact that he’s punishing you by threatening to leave is the problem. Does he know how big a decision this is?
It sounds like you are being blamed for his general unhappiness at the moment.
If that’s the case, he is massively out of order.

Yep it sounds like he wants an easy life. I agree with you there.

The reality, one that he doesn’t seem to have grasped, is that your life would be much easier wo having to look after him on the top of everything else. You already do 95% of everything anyway but you would have much less to do if you don’t have to run him a bath, do his ironing and whatever else you do for him.
The fact he is also expected you to tell him again and again how fantastic he is shows how little respect he has for you and what you do. And how much he takes you for granted.

Having said that, I would push for COUPLE counselling. And I wouod look for a good counsellor too because I suspect that your DH will not like what is coming out of the sessions....

FWIW I’ve had many many ups and down with my own DH. But when he was left with the dcs to look after whilst I was at work, his first reaction was to say he now appreciates how hard it is. He was still an arse about it because, yes, he found extremely hard. But instead of still considering all that work as ‘beneath him or not as important’, he acknowledged my input. Big difference.

OP... I read this as if he is generally unhappy with life rather than actually being happy with your marriage.
I do also think he is somewhat self centred and not as great a dad as you think... But let's put that to the side for a bit.

So.. Next time he talks about splitting ask him

1. Does he still love you? If yes...
2. how that's going to make life better for him? Covid will still be there, work stress the same, still same responsibilities to his child... Two houses rather than 1 so less money to do nice things. Perhaps less arguments. I'd point out the advantages you will have... Every other weekend off to do your own thing as he will have daughter as absolutely minimum so time to go to gym, shop, meet friends when allowed.

Let him ponder... Covid has taken many people to a stage where they are just thoroughly fed up with life.. He may be just reacting to this