Devastated, DH wants to separate

[Randomness12]

Hi, I’m not sure what I want or need from this post but I feel like I need to get my feelings out.

After a minor disagreement today, my DH has decided he thinks he wants to leave. We’ve been together almost 20 years and have 1 DD3.

I am so, so upset.

We have been going through a bit of a rough patch this year with Covid, job uncertainly and long hours, extra pressure plus home renovations and although I have sometimes felt it may be better so separate I always change my mind and have not said it to him. I love him.

He was going to leave tonight but I convinced him to stay but I’m so worried he will leave and then it feels too final?

He has suggested marriage counselling which I’ve asked for before and he’s always refused. I’ve messaged one we can hopefully see someone soon.

I don’t even know how to begin to feel about this. I feel sick. We are in the same bed (due to renovations) I asked for a cuddle and cried then he rolled over. He’s fast asleep and now I’ve stopped crying I cannot sleep so I’m laying here listening to him sleep and wondering how he can?

I will say I do trust him, he does not have the opportunity to cheat I think he’s just reached the end of his tether and (I’m hoping) it’s stress taking over rather than his real feelings?

This feels like it might be it. I don’t know what to do.

We had a very rocky relationship before having couples and (in my case) individual counselling after around six years of being together in a very volatile relationship. The process took four years (not solid counselling in this time, but in fits and starts) but 15 years later we are still here and very happy. Our circumstances were different (I was the one who kept wanting to leave) and we were younger than you are so still had a lot of general growing up to do. The reasons why the relationship wasn't good were also very different, but what we had is that we both wanted to understand what was going on and we were both willing to work on ourselves and the relationship. interestingly, I was expecting the outcome to be us breaking up, but in fact opening up had the effect of opening up our communication and made it possible for us to actually make material changes. We also grew and learned enormously as people. The changes were fundamental and lasting and would have served us well even if we hadn't stayed together.

I wonder if he could be feeling a bit low on top of all the other stuff... You say he has valued your role in terms of childcare and job etc as less than his own and it may be that looking after the child (whether he is right or wrong in that view is a different matter) has affected his sense of how he sees himself. I couldn't work out what he actually does for work but being self employed atm is not easy, especially if it is one of the trades...

You cannot give anymore OP there is nothing left for you to sacrifice. You already work full time, do all the childcare and housework you have nothing left.

I think he needs to fix this himself, whatever unhappiness and stress he has only he can fix it. And for you I suspect that means at least in the short term a separation alongside counselling

Reading through your posts it sounds like you want to separate as well just that you are worried that ending it is final. But I think not facing up to the issues you have will cause it to end.

You have run out of paper to fill the cracks. The only thing that can save your relationship now is finding the plaster. Ad that will take both of you, time, counselling and I suspect time apart

Just to add. Don’t accept responsibility/blame for this. I would be inclined to be quite passive in my response:
‘I know you’re unhappy, things are really difficult for all of us. I don’t want you to go but if that is what you really want, I can’t stop you’
This puts the ball in his court. He can’t throw idle threats of leaving around. It’s too serious.

Sounds like you are both rushed off your feet. Maybe you both need to step back and discuss this, he might now like doing the childcare but it’s what the family needs him to do at the moment, it’s not forever.

Sometimes men say "I don't know how I feel" when what they actually mean is "I don't know how to express how I feel"

Sometimes men say "I don't know how I feel" when what they actually mean is "I don't know how to express how I feel"

If he leaves, he will still need to do 50% of the childcare, don’t let him think for a moment that if he leaves he gets to do nothing.

I agree the thing that stands out to me is that both of you at different times in the past have thought of separating. Really is time for marriage counselling I think. Good luck.

He's hoping that the marriage counselling will wave a magic wand and fix everything.

@KatharinaRosalie

I say it's time for you to get angry. You are jumping through hoops like a bloody circus monkey, dealing with the absolute lion's share of everything, and the only thing he is willing to so is worry about his job, nothing more. To top it off, he expects you to shower him with gratitude and appreciation. Where's his appreciation for you

That. It's all him and his needs, what about you?

This. What a prick

I have been where you are with the having to say thank you and that he is not appreciated - in hindsight I should have told him to fuck off at the time. I asked him if he ever thanked me and he said no . A counsellor asked him if people show their love and appreciation in other ways and he said no . If you are walking on eggshells it is time to call it a day . This mindset is very difficult to break.

It sounds like it’s more of a way of saying he can’t deal with the argument on top of the other stresses and saying he wants to leave is kind of like a trump card which stops the argument as in you can’t really counter that other than asking him to stay.

Gosh your posts read as if you are practically tripping over yourself to make his life easy and he still doesn't want to stay.

I'd back right off. This man is a drain, not a fountain. He will (and does) take. Takes the piss, takes advantage of your nature, takes you for granted.

Him deciding to leave may well be the single good thing he does for you.

@Aquamarine1029

Perfectly worded!

OP just want to say I'm sorry for your distress. Reading your post is heartbreaking. For you, not for him. Take care of yourself today

I think there’s quite a lot of possibilities here, so I agree with pp of “letting him leave” at least in the short term.

1. There is someone else in some form (this could even be the potential of someone, so no actual cheating at this point).
2. Depression can leave some people with quite ‘dead’ emotions; thinking you don’t love someone or don’t want to be with them and you think this is the issue not that you are depressed (this is really hard to explain, but in short you are just pushing people away). His reaction to being depressed.
3. One of the above also potentially combined with financial pressure, drudgery of small children etc.
4. People do fall out of love/ want out of a marriage. He is allowed that. That could also be the cause of the depression. Most people also don’t start conversations early enough - I.e. he should have said something months ago about how he was feeling about you/the marriage.

Having been the depressed partner in a relationship the one thing I do know is that you can’t fix any of it really. And none of it is your fault. You can be part of moving forward (going to counselling together, suggesting the GP and being supportive if he is depressed)
Please also allow yourself to be happier without him. Living with someone on the path downwards is hard, hard work. You may begin to see how much of your time has been spent firefighting him and his ‘ways’.

A break, even for a short time, may benefit you. And your job is to look after you. He can sort him.

Thank you everyone. I am exhausted. I barely slept, we had a cuddle this morning as I asked. He said he wants to make it work but isn’t sure if it will. I said I love you and he said “I know you do”. I am devastated beyond words.

We were planning to TTC number 2 at Christmas, have both been taking the pre-conception vitamins etc. I am so distraught at the possibility of my DD being and only child - I know it’s not the end of the world but we’d decided to have another and I’m going to have to come to terms with that too. I want that for her, we both do.

We’re actually quite young as we met when I was 18. He’s a bit older.

I don’t know what to do today. This morning was so, so hard with DD and me fighting back the tears to keep it normal for her. He took her to pre-school and as soon as he left the house I burst into tears and haven’t stopped.

I am not a crier. This feels impossible.

All our assets are joint, we don’t have much cash savings but both earn ok. Not sure enough to keep two houses going.

I don’t know what to do. He has unpacked his bag and says he is staying but isn’t making any promises.

I want to curl up and avoid the world. I need to get dressed and walk the dog and get on with some work but my head is a total mess. I don’t want this.

@mathanxiety

He doesn't sound like a great father at all, and that makes him a poor partner too.

He clearly resents doing what he considers 'women's work' while you are doing your paid job. You are trying to perform the role of Victorian wifey to soothe his ruffled feathers with the baths and making lunches and keeping DD out of the way while he does house renovations.

My guess is he won't hire someone to get the renovations finished and insists on doing them himself in order to make himself feel more manly and keep you tied up with childcare - he has an idea of roles that is hierarchical. Manly roles include DIY and are superior to childcare, which is a suitable role for mere women.

All that whining about lack of appreciation is just putting you on the back foot, accusing you of contributing to the breakdown of the relationship. He knows he is hiding from parenting and his only defense is offense.

You are jumping through hoops like a bloody circus monkey, dealing with the absolute lion's share of everything, and the only thing he is willing to so is worry about his job, nothing more. To top it off, he expects you to shower him with gratitude and appreciation. Where's his appreciation for you?

THIS ^^

Totally this with bells on. The comment about "childcare" would tip me over the edge -he doesn't want to parent in a global pandemic -whilst you work for the NHS?

Op. why did you want to separate earlier?

If you can recall this, it might give you a little strength back now.

It was similar, an intense period of stress. I was in a job which had become a nightmare and involved a hefty commute so felt we weren’t getting any benefit. I stayed there until I found a new role as need to pay the bills etc but this has meant going from 4 days to 5 although a tiny commute.

I was already thinking of reducing my hours slightly (I actually earn more than he does, but only recently) to help facilitate family life and to spend more time with DD before she goes to school next year.

I feel likes getting a bad rap here. He isn’t perfect, but he can be kind and loving and funny and attentive. Our friends would be astounded.

I feel like we are in a bit of a funk and need to work together to get out of it, not throw in the towel.

Oh OP, what an awful time for you.
It seems that he is projecting general stresses and strains of life under Covid onto the marriage. Often when we feel stuck or trapped in life we fantasise that if we could just change one thing all our problems would disappear. That's what he's doing. However the fact that he's suggested marriage counselling is encouraging. I think you can get through this together, but change one thing- stay calm and don't beg him to stay. Make it clear that if he really wants to go he can and you'll move on. Once it hits home that he could actually lose you, he'll be a lot less cavalier in his attitude.

He doesn’t mean it, he said it out of anger.

Then to me, it just sounds as if all this thinking about seperating, on both sides, is all just down to stress.

It sounds fixable to me-it's an understandable rough patch and yes, marriage counselling will help.

if it were me, I might put off trying for a baby until things have settled down and you are in calmer waters. If you both come through, it might be a bad idea to introduce another form of stress/upheaval so soon.

There's a good chance it will work out. Don't worry.

When you felt like you should separate in the past did you tell him that

he wants to make it work but isn’t sure if it will. I said I love you and he said “I know you do”
This would make me angry. Tiptoeing around him in, keeping him sweet in case ‘it doesn’t work’ or the fragile boat is rocked isn’t an option.