Devastated, DH wants to separate

[Randomness12]

Hi, I’m not sure what I want or need from this post but I feel like I need to get my feelings out.

After a minor disagreement today, my DH has decided he thinks he wants to leave. We’ve been together almost 20 years and have 1 DD3.

I am so, so upset.

We have been going through a bit of a rough patch this year with Covid, job uncertainly and long hours, extra pressure plus home renovations and although I have sometimes felt it may be better so separate I always change my mind and have not said it to him. I love him.

He was going to leave tonight but I convinced him to stay but I’m so worried he will leave and then it feels too final?

He has suggested marriage counselling which I’ve asked for before and he’s always refused. I’ve messaged one we can hopefully see someone soon.

I don’t even know how to begin to feel about this. I feel sick. We are in the same bed (due to renovations) I asked for a cuddle and cried then he rolled over. He’s fast asleep and now I’ve stopped crying I cannot sleep so I’m laying here listening to him sleep and wondering how he can?

I will say I do trust him, he does not have the opportunity to cheat I think he’s just reached the end of his tether and (I’m hoping) it’s stress taking over rather than his real feelings?

This feels like it might be it. I don’t know what to do.

Thank you everyone.

Laiste I think that’s right, we’ve been together so long that we lean on each other without really thinking about it and do tend to take external stuff out on each other.

The bottom line for me is that I love him and I want to be married to him.

I don’t want to separate and do EOW. Not seeing my DD everyday would break me. I love her beyond words. Whilst I can see the practical benefits of having time to myself a couple of times a month I don’t want separate birthdays and Christmas. I want us all together, like we planned when we got married.

I can’t do this.

I did take my full maternity entitlement, sorry if that wasn’t clear. I then returned to the same place of work 4 days a week with a big commute.

I’ve made some calls to counsellors today, most are at capacity because of covid impact. Waiting on a couple of calls back.

I want this to work so badly, because I love him and I do think he loves me. I think he’s overwhelmed.

has everyone missed the part he called op lazy? thats not stress what does he want her to do work look after their child cook and do a flipping dance

hes insensitive and ungrateful i dont know what you have to be grateful for-him doing renovati9ons and not getting extra help?

Counseling can help, if you doth want it. What can you lose? It will help you think and hopefully support you. It may not fix it but can't hurt to try.

Oh OP I am sure you do - but it needs him to change his ways. How much more can you take on

@Aquamarine1029

He is self employed and during covid was at home with our daughter while I work for the NHS (not frontline) I was put into another role, with long hours and lots of responsibility and has said himself he did not enjoy being on childcare duty all day, every day.

Exactly what I thought and this is where any sympathy I might have had for him ends. He doesn't like having to care for his own child? The poor fucking baby! My heart just bleeds for him.

I say it's time for you to get angry. You are jumping through hoops like a bloody circus monkey, dealing with the absolute lion's share of everything, and the only thing he is willing to so is worry about his job, nothing more. To top it off, he expects you to shower him with gratitude and appreciation. Where's his appreciation for you?

I wouldn't waste another single tear on this selfish prick. If he wants to pack his bags and fuck off, let him.

Im not sure this is very fair - i don't know anyone who enjoyed parenting a toddler while trying to work during lockdown! It fucking sucked!

You work full time and have a 3 year old and he's calling you lazy? Oh come on. Most women I know work part time, if not at all. So the fact he's calling you lazy is a strong hint that he has unreasonable expectations.

Plus he is a man that wants to walk out on his family. That also takes a certain type.

I agree that you shouldn't run around after him. While he may be using this as a threat to get you more under his thumb, I agree with letting him go. Let him see if the grass really is greener. If he doesn't want to stay, it's not your role to pacify him. Particularly not whilst working full time yourself. If he cannot deal with holding down a full time job, thads his problem.

Marriage counselling in this instance would benefit you both. You both seem to take external pressures out on each other. You should be helping each other deal with life stresses. You seem to have very firm gender roles which, with both working, is not really realistic so I would discuss this also.

I want to separate and I want to go to counselling don't correspond with each other so it seems he is saying he wants to separate as a jerk reaction or he wants to put you in your place and have more power/control in your relationship.

It will probably take a while to get counselling so for the moment I would suggest reducing stress as much as possible. I don't think pandering to his every whim will get you anywhere.

@Onxob

You need to find some self respect OP. You're being all clingy and desperately asking for cuddles when you should be angry at this prick! He has all the power, he's lording it over you and you're allowing it - actively encouraging it.

He's "making no promises"? He's "knows" you love him? He's a prick! If you had cheated on him I could understand these responses from him but treating you this way when you're running yourself into the ground to keep him happy is fucking cruel and manipulative.

He may have good traits but you need to get your blinkers off - his bad traits are very, very bad.

for you but a big 🖕🏼 to him.

He has you well trained OP.

You may love him, but he clearly loves himself.

You sound paralysed with fear of change but the truth is you are stronger than you realise.

He doesn't respect you, or respect your huge contribution to family life.

You need to change the dynamic of your relationship and that involves finding your self respect and worth.

Realising that he is not this wonderful.man, but someone who has you trained well.

Don't allow your wanting a sibling for your daughter to dictate how you feel.

Contemplating bringing an other child into a house where the father is half out the door and balks at minding his first child is a disaster waiting to happen.

Please harden your heart and protect yourself.
He doesn't have your back.

Not wishing to be negative, but having a child is all about hard work and extra stress. You've got the teenage years yet, and perhaps looking after elderly parents, which may be even more stressful than covid. Then either of you may/will be ill. This will require a lot of selfless stepping up to the plate, and putting other people first.

If he is like this now, if you stay together, will he be prepared to step up for these trials? I think he needs to do a lot of soul searching as to what being a grown up means.

It’s sounds as though you already do the majority of the work in the household and relationship?

It’s hard to see people’s faults when you have been with them so long and the fear of change and not being a complete family is a scary thought. No one imagines being a single parent when they marry someone, no one imagines sharing a child with someone that doesn’t live with you so it’s understandable that you want to fix things and for separation not to happen. People do separate and people do manage to parent whilst not living together.

It sounds like at the moment your dh is fully in control of this situation, it’s his choice wether he leaves and his choice if you have counselling. Take those choices away from him and then see how he reacts. Tell him “maybe we should have some time apart?” and see how he reacts.

I did take my full maternity entitlement, sorry if that wasn’t clear. I then returned to the same place of work 4 days a week with a big commute.

Sorry I’m confused. You were asked why you wanted to split when DD was 7 months old. You said it was due to you being in a stressful job. So you were back at work before a year’s maternity leave?

Why is he calling you lazy? What more does he want you to be doing? You're running yourself ragged for an attention seeker who doesn't respect or appreciate you.

You need to step back and do less for him, I get the feeling you've lost your sense of self in this marriage.

I also get the feeling you'll be doing even more for this whiney man in a bid to get him to stay. I hope I'm wrong.

@Randomness12 You know what you want which is good. There are times in all relationships where one or the other feels like walking away for a variety of reasons. Not because of love but because sometimes it’s really hard supporting each other and caring for a child while keeping yourself going. Do not underestimate the impact of COVID either. It has caused extra stresses and impacted on people’s coping mechanisms.

@PrestonLake offers a really sensible and grounded perspective here. It is time for you both to explore what works for you and what doesn’t work and most importantly of all what could be changed to make it better. Both of you know things could be better and this is your opportunity to explore this as a couple.

Do not lose hope. See this as the opportunity it is. It’s ok for you, or him, to feel uncertain about your future and to have some honest and open conversations about that with professional support.

I wouldn’t be thinking of TTC at the moment though.

Good luck to you both.

If he is very stressed he could be experiencing low mood,depression etc.
He prob loves you very much,too. Perhaps he thinks he needs to leave to make your life better, too. Depression and stress fog the mind.
Have you talked about his mental wellbeing?
From all your posts, OP, I cannot see a lack of love on both sides - just a lack of good communication.

Sadly, the one who loves least has all the power.

I go along with other pps who suggest giving him a big dose of reality. He wants to separate? Okay, off you fuckety fuck then. See how cold life is without someone running you baths, making you drinks and, most importantly, listening to you offload about how haaaaard your life is.

Let him go, OP. Let him move out. If nothing else, you both get a break, you both get a rest from each other and the joint stress. You get a different kind of stress, but only you to think about. Have a bit of a holiday from one another.

Let him see what he will miss. He will, obviously, still have to take his turn at childcare and picks up etc, he doesn't get a free pass. But take away the cuddly evenings and the back rubs and the sympathy.

Sometimes the big cold world can be a wake up call, if he really does still love you.

Keep trying to find a counsellor, loads have lost face to face work and will have capacity. Ideally find one who will see you both separately and together.

Don't give up more of your job, you already earn more than him working 4 days per week, if you give up more you will just take on more of the under valued work and you will have less money coming in. This won't fix whatever imbalance is going on in your relationship and whatever feelings of inadequacies your husband has on top of whatever he is feeling about his relationship with you.

OK so i think you need to find time when you can both sit down and talk together without interruption. A good couple of hours. Perhaps today is not the day for the talk itself, but it's a good time to make a firm plan to do it.

(can you get a relative to babysit while the two of you go out somewhere?)

It seems a bit obvious but when that talk comes both of you need to agree at the beginning to try not to get angry, and to allow the other to be able to speak uninterrupted about how they feel until they have finished their point. Both agree that the aim of the talk is to be honest, but with an aim of mending the breakdowns in communication.

When you talk try to avoid
''You do x, y z and a, b, c happens''

• instead try to use language like

''when you say/do x, y, z it makes me feel a, b,c'' This can avoid defensiveness creeping in which is very destructive. If you can ask him to do the same.

(It's basically what you'll be doing in counceling tbh. But you can start the ball rolling yourselves.)

It's quite possible that you will both learn something new about how the other views your life. There may be feelings lurking that you didn't know about. If there is still lots of love between you (and honestly i get the feeling there is) then all the above is possible to do.

which part does he show love tistheseason

the one where he says she doesnt appreciate him or the part wher ehe said shes lazy

Sorry you're going through this OP.

You've said that he doesn't have time for an affair...people really don't need much time at all to get their heads turned and get involved with others. I'd start doing some digging on this.

When my ex was having an affair, he just couldn't wait to pass any blame for anything onto me.

Let him feel the loss of you - he needs fo feel that reality.

I will say OP that when my DH (15 years) is angry he says awful things. It's not often - once in a couple of years perhaps, but i get so upset about it because even in my worse rages i don't tend to lash out verbally. He however, does.

I have learned that if i try to 'go to him' too early with attempts to make up ''i love you'' ''can we hug'' ect, it's counter productive and i end up feeling like a bloody dog looking for reassurance. It makes me feel as if he's power playing. What he wants is to be left alone - what i want is for us to start talking again. I have learned now to let him stew.

When he comes back (mentally speaking - he never leaves the house) he comes back in a wave of guilt and apology and love. And then we're ok.

About the renovation: we're in the same boat. We're rebuilding a house and he's doing it all himself and it's hell. You have my utmost sympathy.

Work on your marriage. Do your best to save it. Renovations and a young child are very stressful.

I wish you all the best and hope you get through this.

He wants to leave you.
Listen to what he tells you. What he tells you, is what he wants.

@Davespecifico

He wants to leave you. Listen to what he tells you. What he tells you, is what he wants.

This.

Sounds to me as though he's been mentally checking out for some time but the rapidly approaching prospect of TTC has finally brought it home to him that he has to do something about it now rather than bringing another child into the mix and potentially tying him down [in his eyes] further for many more years.