Devastated, DH wants to separate

[Randomness12]

Hi, I’m not sure what I want or need from this post but I feel like I need to get my feelings out.

After a minor disagreement today, my DH has decided he thinks he wants to leave. We’ve been together almost 20 years and have 1 DD3.

I am so, so upset.

We have been going through a bit of a rough patch this year with Covid, job uncertainly and long hours, extra pressure plus home renovations and although I have sometimes felt it may be better so separate I always change my mind and have not said it to him. I love him.

He was going to leave tonight but I convinced him to stay but I’m so worried he will leave and then it feels too final?

He has suggested marriage counselling which I’ve asked for before and he’s always refused. I’ve messaged one we can hopefully see someone soon.

I don’t even know how to begin to feel about this. I feel sick. We are in the same bed (due to renovations) I asked for a cuddle and cried then he rolled over. He’s fast asleep and now I’ve stopped crying I cannot sleep so I’m laying here listening to him sleep and wondering how he can?

I will say I do trust him, he does not have the opportunity to cheat I think he’s just reached the end of his tether and (I’m hoping) it’s stress taking over rather than his real feelings?

This feels like it might be it. I don’t know what to do.

‘I know you do’
Patronising b’stard.

Definitely not a LTB situation. Sometimes with men they make throwaway comments without actually realising the emotional impact they have on the person they’re directed at. Issues at the moment are multiplied by 100, because the joy has been sucked out of most things, by Covid, and so the smallest issues can tip us over the edge. Try not to worry today op, but focus on having a discussion with him this evening when you have time together. When threats like this are thrown about it can sometimes give you a jolt to really address the issues lurking in the marriage, so you can both put the effort in to make things work. He may have faults, as might you, but there is no such thing as the perfect husband or wife, and it sounds like you have a strong foundation to work with.

I’m married to someone who works in the NHS, who was working all hours because of Covid and who practically disappeared overnight to be the property of the hospital during the first wave. You know what? I got on with it. We became a family of three and kept everything ticking over whilst he worked relentlessly. Readying myself to do it again.

Yes it’s not easy, but I do think your husband needs to accept that there’s nothing you could’ve done in the new position at work. All nhs staff had to meet new challenges and their families had to get on with it and meet the challenge without them. It’s not been your fault.

If your husband requires to not do childcare, and to work on his own business without interruption then he needs to have a stay at home wife, not a working one. He can’t have it both ways. And even if you didn’t work he should still do his bit when he’s able to. It sounds like he wants it all his own way and this threat to leave is another effort to get you insecure enough to jump through hoops to please him.

“I don’t know what to do. He has unpacked his bag and says he is staying but isn’t making any promises.”

Is there somewhere else he could stay for a while? I think he is being incredibly cruel. Probably not intentionally. But my dad hung this “I think I might leave you at some point” sword of Damocles over my mum and I was furious when I found out about it. I told her she should have told him to fuck off. Actually, when push came to shove, she ended the marriage and met the love of her life 4 years later in her mid-50s.

There’s a lot of stress on you both but like PP, I think he may be struggling with having to accommodate the demands of parenthood and he’s being pathetic about it. And you have been running yourself ragged for him. As PP have said: when do you get thanked? Anyway, I don’t like this whole idea that you should show him gratitude because he is parenting his own child. That’s what parents do. If anything, I think you have shown him too much gratitude and tried too hard to make things easy for him. It’s very difficult. But in your shoes, I couldn’t keep someone around who was threatening to leave me. Let him start to experience the reality - he might come to his senses that way. And if you take action, you will feel more powerful.

Make clear that you want the marriage to continue and you are keen to do family therapy. But in the meantime, it is simply too painful for you to have him in the house while he’s dangling a “will he/won’t he leave you” sword of Damocles over you. Therefore, for the time being he needs to find somewhere else to stay and you can make arrangements for him to spend time with your daughter.

OP you can still leave someone you love, you don't have to hate them to realise it's not working, that aside, I wouldn't be waiting around for someone to decide if they want me, and the "I know you do" is just awful

I still love my STBXH, but I don't want to be married to him

Here’s what I did when H said he wanted to split up when we were going through bad patch (no kids involved though so easier).

I told him to go. (Not in anger, just in a very matter of fact way). I said if he didn’t love me there was no point continuing. I didn’t want him to stay out of pity or guilt. We would sell the house, split the furniture. I wouldn’t make it difficult for him. (In your case I would add we would work out how to coparent together). It would be tough but we would both cope and get through it.

I think the fact I had a bit of backbone and didn’t beg him to stay shocked him. I was in a bad place emotionally at the time, but it helped him realise he didn’t have to stay if he didn’t want to. He wasn’t trapped.

We went to a couple of counselling sessions and that was enough to put our problems into perspective.

In your case I would suggest not clinging desperately and running yourself even more ragged trying to make it work on your own. Start taking time for yourself. In fact I would say, that he’s dropped such a big shock on you you need some time and space to work through what you want.
And then take that time. Go out and do that exercise you want to do. Stop putting yourself last. Don’t run around picking up the pieces for him. Let him miss you.

If you can afford it have some counselling on your own as well as separate marriage counselling to see why you think it is acceptable for your needs not to be met in the marriage.

Take some time for yourself. Do something you’ve always wanted to do but there wasn’t enough time or money after everyone else’s needs were met.

And find out what you would be entitled to in the event of a split. Married 20 years with a young child entitled you to support, but as he is self employed he may hide funds from you and your daughter. Get copies of all financial records now. You may not need to use them, but have that insurance that you have what you need there. Don’t assume “he would never do that to me”, People can be brutal in the discard phase.

Whatever happens, know that you are strong and you deal with it.

@Randomness12 what do YOU want. Really want. Because as I said before you cant keep on doing this. You are giving up everything to try and keep this going and I think you have run out of anything else to give.

Can I ask a question - are you happy. Is there anything else you can do to make him happy.

And how much of yourself have you already given up. I think you need to tell him this. That you do want to save your relationship but you cant do anymore. If he is going to stay he needs to step up and be part of the family

And it doesnt surprise me you have been together since 18 and he is older

You're clearly both stuck in a rut and something needs to give.
I definitely wouldn't be TTC a second child any time soon though because that will just add to an already precarious situation.

Oh and I agree with others asking him to move out for a few days to give you some space if he isn’t sure what he wants with a view that you will do the marriage counselling together.

(You never know you might find you prefer not running yourself ragged after him and find it easier with just you and DD).

@Randomness12

Stop making excuses for him!

What if one of your friends had said this about her husband/partner:

Although he really is a great father, I think there would be lots of parents (not just dads) out there who may have struggled with parenting during lockdown. Going from a couple of hours each end of the day around nursery with another parent to being in sole charge 12 hours a day with nowhere to go and not being able to see anyone wouldn’t have been easy, especially for months on end.

Yes - parenting is tough! And during the pandemic, especially tough.

But during this time you were still parenting when you got home from your job, doing all the house/life work AND helping him run his business.

Wine and chocolates does not make up for this.

And for his responses to you this morning? What a callous man.

I reckon he's suggested counselling as a way to fix things so he can carry on having you as a wife, nanny and employee - he's probably realised that all of that will disappear when he leaves, and that he'll have to pull his finger out and do some work for a change!

You are already doing the 'pick me' dance. You need to stop this. Ask him if he's sorted our the counselling - because I bet he's expecting you to do it.

And, as others would say, sort out all your financial/legal documents, so you know exactly where you will stand if you do end up separating.

I'm sorry he's treating you like this - have some much nicer from me as well as some lovely . And

First of all a hand hold from me .Secondly you sound like so many wives in long marriages (inc me at times TBH!) who simply want to pacify DH and "smooth things over " for him .The irony here ,is the more you do that the less respect he has for you, and you can turn into a sort of "Nanny" type person who is running baths ,making drinks ,and putting herself last!Maybe try out Counselling with him ,and see what comes from that.You are right that it has been a difficult year ,and going from full time work to home all day with a tot is hard ,esp when we are limited on where we can go and who we can see.Yet many people (esp us women!) seem to manage it!Again ironically if you did separate he would be on his own with DD EOW! Maybe he hasnt thought of that! I remember reading somewhere, that men crave respect above all else .Well I say Bollocks to that ,everyone deserves appreciation /respect even us with a Vagina FFS!

Frankly, it doesn't sound like he understands how good he has it being married to you. Sounds like you don't most of the heavy lifting most of the time at home while working more than full time yourself, but expected a medal when he had to step up and look after his own child more often when his own business had issues during lockdown.

I think marriage counselling is worth a go, but you need to use it for yourself, too, to let HIM know how unbalanced things are from your perspetive. You make all the compromises. You do all the childcare when you're available. You do all the housework. But he wants a medal and constant praise when he does anything while you just get on with it. Your jobs are just as important as his.

I'm somewhat inclined to agree with @Aquamarine1029 tbh, it doesn't sound as if he's given a moment's thought to you in all of this.

Also, don't rule out the possibility of an OW. Hopefully you're right, particularly as he's agreed to stay and work on things, but he's had a lot of time 'home alone' over the last 6 months. It's completely possibly to conduct an affair entirely online if one wants to badly enough, unfortunately.

I agree with @BIWI yes parenting during lockdown has been tough, and at times I am sure it has brought us all to our knees. But very few parents have used that as an excuse to drop out of parenting and leave

''It was similar, an intense period of stress. I was in a job which had become a nightmare and involved a hefty commute so felt we weren’t getting any benefit. I stayed there until I found a new role as need to pay the bills etc but this has meant going from 4 days to 5 although a tiny commute.''

This is your description of the reasons why YOU felt like splitting last time. I find it weird because there's no mention of HIM. (unless i'm reading all this wrong)

Is it that both of you have a tendency to attack the marriage in a sort of knee jerk reaction to stress? Does that make sense?

He'll have you dancing round him, doing even more grunt work now, under threat of him leaving if you don't.

I'd call his bluff.

Nevermind whether you appreciate him enough... he should be appreciating you!

You both work FT, so you should be splitting all the childcare and housework 50:50. But he's chosen to do extra admin work in the evenings (that he could outsource)... which conveniently means he doesn't have time to do his share of the chores. And who picks up his half.....? You do, of course. Did he even ask you if you minded, or did he just drop it all and assume you'd pick it up?

That should have been something that was discussed - perhaps you would have been willing to pick up some of his chores if what he was doing really benefitted the family, but that's a huge imposition on you, and he should have been grateful. Instead he wants you to thank him for all that extra work... that he could have outsourced!!

I think he's doing it deliberately to get out of the childcare and housework. It's much more prestige to have a 'big man' job than it is to do the washing up. Maybe he's also insecure about you earning more than him.

@billy1966

OP,

He sounds like a right selfish man who doesn't like minding his child and has made you his emotional punching bag.

You sound as if you are run ragged with him.

Does he ever jump in to help you? Or is that your role.

I think you need to have a good hard look at him.

He sounds very selfish and juvenile and very wrapped up in himself.

You need to protect yourself because he certainly doesn't have your back.

Agree with this.

Sorry to say but him leaving will be a break for you! You do so much FOR HIM, what does he do for you to make your life easier?

At the moment, he is throwing this 'I'm leaving' shit so you bend yourself even more backwards for him.

If he is not agreeable to counselling then you really need to let him leave. A separation will show YOU what life will be like without the pressures/work he adds to your life.

I’m actually going to approach this from a different angle. I can see your DH’s side. He is unhappy and has planned for himself.

My DH’s business is struggling desperately due to Covid (hospitality) and he may lose it. That will cause financial stress, despite me being the higher earner.

His thoughts are to sell our house, downsize to a much cheaper area leaving about 50% of proceeds in the bank. We have a large house in Greater London with relatively small mortgage.

I know that if we did this he would refuse to work again. He would not do the housework/childcare/school runs and I am not prepared to work while he idles. I don’t want to uproot the kids.

If he loses his job I plan to tell him I will split the proceeds, he can do what he likes, but the kids and I will not be moving to rural Wales to live his idea of retirement.

Ask him if he's sorted out the counselling - because I bet he's expecting you to do it.
In your role of fixing all his problems and begging him to stay.

Stop doing everything to make life easy for him, as others have said.

Definitely give up thoughts of ttc, at least for a while.
None of you, including your DD, need the stress of all that's involved with a new baby.

I’m so very sorry to read of what you are going through.
I think that the fact that he has suggested marriage counselling is very very encouraging. It suggests that he wants this marriage to work but that he’s really reached the end of his teather and doesn’t know how to make it work. So please do go to counselling! This will give you the best chance to fix it. In my experience the worst situation is when they have been thinking this through and then randomly say they want to leave and no counselling is suggested. Then they have made up their mind. But it sounds like your husband has simply made up his mind that together you are at the end of your rope and you need help.
So take this as encouraging and get help! Talk lots, be kind to yourself. Take space too. Speak honestly with the counsellor and see this as a marriage overhaul. It will no doubt be hard work for both of you, but you love him and so this will hopefully be so very worth it.
Good luck

AuditAngle, that's not really a different angle.
It's another story of a selfish H.

You need to find some self respect OP. You're being all clingy and desperately asking for cuddles when you should be angry at this prick! He has all the power, he's lording it over you and you're allowing it - actively encouraging it.

He's "making no promises"? He's "knows" you love him? He's a prick! If you had cheated on him I could understand these responses from him but treating you this way when you're running yourself into the ground to keep him happy is fucking cruel and manipulative.

He may have good traits but you need to get your blinkers off - his bad traits are very, very bad.

for you but a big 🖕🏼 to him.

Your daughter is back at preschool now, so his finding lockdown parenting hard is a bit of a red herring. Is he able to say why it is relevant to him saying now that he wants to leave?
It is definitely worth pointing out that his leaving will (a) increase the time he has to do solo parenting and (b) make life practically and financially more complicated. In other words, the only problem that leaving is going to solve is him living with a woman he does not love. If that is the core of his decision then you probably do have to be brave and let him go. However I have a feeling that he does love you, he just hates his life and somehow sees you as representative of that. Counselling really could help here I think.

Going back to the time that you said you wanted to leave, when your DD was 7 months old: you’ve said why that time was stressful (I note you did not take your full maternity entitlement) but not why that stress made you want to leave the marriage? What was it about leaving the marriage that you felt would fix the situation? On the face if it, in the work situation you describe, having a partner there to help would be a good thing.

These renovations- whose idea was it to live in a house that needed work? Can you just sell up and move to one that doesn’t? It’s a good time to move with the stamp duty suspension.

Good luck.

I don't think you should test him to see if he organises counselling, it is not the time for game playing. The marriage is already in trouble. If you want counselling, then organise it. Take control. It is through the counselling that you can unpick why it inevitably had to be you that organised it (if that proves to be the case).

Of course, if he doesn't cooperate with counselling then the picture changes.