Devastated, DH wants to separate

[Randomness12]

Hi, I’m not sure what I want or need from this post but I feel like I need to get my feelings out.

After a minor disagreement today, my DH has decided he thinks he wants to leave. We’ve been together almost 20 years and have 1 DD3.

I am so, so upset.

We have been going through a bit of a rough patch this year with Covid, job uncertainly and long hours, extra pressure plus home renovations and although I have sometimes felt it may be better so separate I always change my mind and have not said it to him. I love him.

He was going to leave tonight but I convinced him to stay but I’m so worried he will leave and then it feels too final?

He has suggested marriage counselling which I’ve asked for before and he’s always refused. I’ve messaged one we can hopefully see someone soon.

I don’t even know how to begin to feel about this. I feel sick. We are in the same bed (due to renovations) I asked for a cuddle and cried then he rolled over. He’s fast asleep and now I’ve stopped crying I cannot sleep so I’m laying here listening to him sleep and wondering how he can?

I will say I do trust him, he does not have the opportunity to cheat I think he’s just reached the end of his tether and (I’m hoping) it’s stress taking over rather than his real feelings?

This feels like it might be it. I don’t know what to do.

He wants you to do all the childcare.
Even if it means you loose your career that you've built up and it doesn't make economic sense.
He thinks he can bully you into it by threatening to leave.

@Laiste Couldn’t agree more. As a woman I want to talk it out. My DH, however, needs space to process what has happened and his feelings.

It is really really hard to back off but actually sometimes the headspace is all that’s needed.

Renovation and home improvements are shit. You have my sympathy too.

'I know you do' ?????? That's just cruel.... and extremely well designed to keep you right in your place. Your choice Op but please be aware that he has all the control and you are doing all the 'dancing'. For his needs to be met you have to carry on running flat out while praising him to the skies then he MAY decide he still loves you. For your needs to be met, he would have to recognise your contribution to be as valid as his own. Honestly what do you reckon? Is that possible?

Well he isn't being kind now!

You need to get s9me backbone otherwise he will treat you like shit and when he loses respect for you because of your neediness he will leave you anyway.

Please believe you are worth more.

You are tying yourself up in knots.

There is almost certainly an OW. Look harder.

I think sadly you’re going to have to toughen up. It sounds like you do a lot of running around after him and pandering to him and making sure he’s okay. What about you? He chose to have a child. We all reach points where we are stressed and overwhelmed but he doesn’t just get to drop a bomb on you and then hang around whilst you dance on his attendance and seem hugely grateful he’s still there. He’s messing you around. If he’s so bothered why isn’t he ringing around counselling services. I know this must hurt like hell but at this point you need to protect yourself. Because he’s very clearly looking after number 1.

Not seeing your daughter for a couple of days a fortnight will not break you , it might give you time to discover who you really are again .
Dont get me wrong you do miss your kids when they are elsewhere but I think this is an excuse .
This man has worked very hard to make you dependent on him in every single way and it looks like he has achieved that.
OP I'm not spouting rubbish for the sake of it , I was you . Totally controlled by my ex . In the early days after the split it was very hard even to make a simple decision but 3 years on life is great ( or it was until covid ! )
You need to get some support round you in real life

Thanks everyone. I’m feeling really overwhelmed with all of this and all of the advice and guidance on here.

I am a good person, a good wife and a good mother. I don’t deserve this.

I can’t eat, I feel sick and I don’t know what to do for the best.

I’ve sent him one message but left it at that. He sent me a message at exactly the same time - so we are at least still in sync. He said he doesn’t mean to hurt me.

I feel like I’m on a knife-edge. This is so, so much harder than I ever imagined.

My reading of the situation is that OP has a FT job and picks up the homemaking role around this. Her husband is self employed and due to Covid is re-establishing his business whilst doing renovations on the house around this.

Based on this they are both contributing all of the time to working outside or inside the home. The OPs comment that her husband picked up all the childcare during lockdown when his business was failing provides background to a period when he was incredibly stressed and expressed dislike of being SAHP. The OP was equally stressed because of job and was unable to support him.

I agree you both need counselling. I also think you should both look at how you are balancing your time. Review your commitments to work. I think your husband needs to let go work to his assistant. I think you would benefit from dropping hours. Review the decision to renovate right now or at the pace you have set. Don’t have another child until you have both learnt to manage time and stress as things stand.

At the core of your problems are two people who are stressed, worried, overworked and tired.These feelings will negate and numb feelings of love and companionship. It does not mean there are not there. These feelings will obscure rational thoughts.

@TwentyViginti

He'll have you dancing round him, doing even more grunt work now, under threat of him leaving if you don't.

I'd call his bluff.

This.

He’s calling ALL the shots right now.

You both work hard yet you’re the one doing all the household tasks and childcare. He gets the hump when he needs to step up and look after his OWN child.

Yes lockdown was tough but he needs to grow up.

I think you would benefit from dropping hours.
Personally, I wouldn't do this if the marriage is not secure. By dropping hours, the OP will then be even more obliged to do the lion's share of the housework, and be in a more precarious situation if they do split up.

I feel your pain. We had a similar discussion during our week away last week.

I stayed in car for a good hour and cried. Then I got on with the hol.

There has to be some shift to enable our relationships to survive.

Sorry you’re clutching at straws with the observation that you are still “in sync” because you messaged each other at the same time. That’s a bit silly and teenage. There’s lots of good advice on here about the bigger issues. I wish you all the best.

OP I could have written your post.

I left him when I realised he had me well trained and I was stronger than he'd lead me to believe.

Over a year later and I don't look back!

Do not drop your hours as someone has suggested.

You'll drop your hours, land up on your own and have less money to play with.

I've been here before. exH said he'd stay but "no promises". The best he'd say about our relationship was "we're not firing on all 6". I got a list of things to "do better" (literally, a list). Said he needed some "space". Well it turned out needed space to fit a OW in. I agree with PPs unfortunately, there's a good chance there's a OW. Men do not leave without somewhere to go. So sorry OP

@Randomness12

Thanks everyone. I’m feeling really overwhelmed with all of this and all of the advice and guidance on here.

I am a good person, a good wife and a good mother. I don’t deserve this.

I can’t eat, I feel sick and I don’t know what to do for the best.

I’ve sent him one message but left it at that. He sent me a message at exactly the same time - so we are at least still in sync. He said he doesn’t mean to hurt me.

I feel like I’m on a knife-edge. This is so, so much harder than I ever imagined.

No you dont deserve this.

But there is nothing more you can do. You cant do anything more. If he isnt happy it is on him now to figure it out

What did his message say

You need to stop with the 'I can't. You can, you know. You may feel as though you can't, and that this is going to be the end of you, but you are much much stronger than you know.

As a pp said, your DD going to stay with her dad a few days here and there won't be as bad as you imagine. You are still a person in your own right, outside of being 'wife and mother'. So even if your DH does decide to walk away (and, unfortunately, this often means they walk right away and don't step up with the children), you will be fine, in the end.

He was going to leave tonight but I convinced him to stay

Oh lovely, first of all please accept a {{{hug}}}. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

He does not deserve you. The minute he talks about threatens to leave, I'd send him packing. Talk about arrangements once he has gone.

Begging him to stay just upsets the power balance between to your very significant detriment. So he didn't enjoy having to be first in line for child care.

You think he is a great father. You think he works hard. You run around to pick up the slack. You persuade him to stay after he says he is leaving.

Where are you, and your needs in all this. Sure isn't him looking after them. I'm sorry, it will be up to you to look after yourself and your child. Don't give him all the options.

{{{hugs}}}

You certainly don't deserve this.

Do not drop your hours.

You need this job.

He doesn't mean to hurt you yet he is!

You are a good person, mother and wife.

You are carrying him and supporting him.

His response is to tell your that you are lazy.

You are a much better wife than he is a husband.

You need to find your inner strength, which you have.

Otherwise you are leaving yourself and your child open to the mercy of a man, who is putting himself well ahead of his child and wife.

I'm sorry I posted before seeing this

id I love you and he said “I know you do”.

We both [want DC2]

He is going a very strange way indeed about persuading you to have another child.

Why am I not surprise that you only recently started to earn more than him, and now all he does is put more work and less help on you.

No one deserves the additional strain on life from a global pandemic. You certainly don't deserve what he is doing to add to you stress. And yet, you are trying desperately to hold onto the man who is making things worse for you.

You need a break and a chance to think more clearly about how you are going to live you life. Please, don't hand over the choices to anyone else. Especially not someone who says 'I know you do' in response to 'I love you'.

You can hear the pain and bewilderment in your posts.

Right now, it sounds like he's hit a wall. 2020 has been the most painful, challenging, unsettling year any of us can remember, and it sounds like he's struggling with it all. Being charitable towards him, he had plans to grow the business, but they got put on the back burner while he undoubtedly saw his income drop, even temporarily. He's taken on the childcare and probably realised he's not that great at it - some love it, some don't and for those who don't, it may make them question what kind of parent they are which won't feel great.

He sounds numb - it doesn't sound like he wants to hurt you or that he wants to feel this way and it's good news that he's happy to explore counselling. Don't give up hope, but do take steps to protect yourself along the way.

Sending love and strength x

Thank you to the poster who called me silly and teenage for clutching at straws. That’s exactly what I needed to hear today. Yes, I am clutching at straws. I am aware of that but at the moment straws are all I have.

I am not going to drop my hours just in case this does go downhill, I know I will need the financial security. I am going to move to a 9 day fortnight however, which is full time hours over 9 days and 1 day off every other week so no impact on salary or pension. I’m already doing the hours so I may as well get the benefit of the day off to spend with DD and to have some time and space to think about what I want.

I’ve told a couple of my mum friends who are being supportive and cannot believe it. He’s the least likely etc...

I’ve also told my dad as he called about something else and I burst into tears. We aren’t that close but he’s very practical and will help me if I need anything.

My priorities right now feel like getting us to counselling first and foremost, securing my job and keeping DD happy and content.

Then I’ll need to think about finances. I have always been responsible for all of those anyway, he doesn’t have a clue.

I have decided on one thing which I am immovable on, I am not leaving this house, this is DDs home and mine. No matter what it takes, I’m staying here.

{{{{{Randomness12}}}}}

I'm glad you are thinking practically, OP, given your most recent update.
In your shoes, I would make it clear to H that if he wants the marriage to end, he needs to leave and not draw this out (for your sanity!)
I would, also, take a step back from doing so much for him. There is no way in hell I would make meals, do laundry, and do business admin, or someone who wants to leave me!! Fuck that!! (IMO)