Man I have feelings for so much smaller than me- advice needed

[dollypollywolly]

Hi everyone.

I know this sounds incredibly shallow and believe me I'm not really, but I'm a single mum of 1 14 yr old, and I've been on my own quite a while out of choice. I work at a school and one of the teachers is absolutely lovely and we get on so well. We have been out together a few times as friends and he has met my son who has special needs and is amazing with him. This guy and I just have such a laugh and I am physically attracted to him and he has made his feeling clear that he is falling for me.
The issue I have is he is around 5ft5 and very 'petite' frame. I am a tall woman, I'm almost 5ft11 and although I'm also very slim (size 10) I absolutely tower over him and just feel huge. I also weigh in at a stone heavier.
I know this sounds absolutely shallow as hell, and I want to reiterate I usually am not, but after discussing this with some work colleagues, family and friends they mainly said the same thing, we would look ridiculous together, people would stare all the time, I'd never be able to wear heels, my mum even said he'd 'look like my little boy.'
I know it is not the 'social norm' and I realise people would stare and some people would most likely take the p*ss, but I'm really not all that confident as a person and I'm just not sure I'm strong enough for that. He on the other hand seems like he couldn't care less, he tells me he would embrace me wearing heels, he couldn't care less what people thought or said and it's not something he'd even give thought to. But he has been very understanding about my concerns but I know it hurts him, and ultimately would hurt him if I say I cannot continue because of this reason.
I know I am not in a relationship with him yet and I don't owe him anything but it is just so sad because I am also developing feelings for him, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him as he is a lovely man.
Any advice and thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. And also have any of you been in the same boat and how has it gone for you?

Graceful posts from you, OP. This board didn't used to be as crap as it is now.

Focus on the posts written by people with a bit more compassion and functioning brain-power. It shouldn't be beyond the wit of understanding that this is a sensitive issue for you even when you've clearly said so, but it is for some who would rather put you in your place.

Your liking for this man shines through and that is something that matters. You've talked to him about this and you both understand where the other is coming from.

What about going out as a foursome with another couple that you're both friendly with? It's not exactly 'safety in numbers' but you'll probably know what I mean.

Best wishes to you both, it would be such a shame for 'this' to get in the way of what could be a 'made for each other' scenario.

Will people actually care ?

At 1.72 metres {5.8''} I am not especially tall, but have had a couple of shorter men refer to me as ''A big girl'' despite at the time having a body mass index of 18.

If it doesn't bother him , to the point where he says Big girl or similar fatuous comments, then go for it.

OP don’t let people tell you to settle for someone you don’t seem to be comfortable with. It’s probably better for both of you to be with other people if you’re having doubts about him.

Life's too short and there are too many frogs to piss about waiting for a perfect prince. If you are attracted to him and he's a good guy then I wouldn't care less what anyone else thought.

I don't think the size is a problem, but the fact you introduced him to your child after a few dates

The majority of you are so lovely and have said such wonderful empowering things. I really am grateful. Thankyou

I married a short man, have to admit in the first few weeks I was nervous and embarrassed (feel bad saying that) to introduce to friends but when they met him and and everyone loved him I felt silly and shallow and we have been together 20 years now! He's definitely the better half!

@Devilesko

I don't think the size is a problem, but the fact you introduced him to your child after a few dates

The majority of my work colleagues know my son.... he comes with me to most work get togethers and they all adore him. This guy has been my friend and still is... my son has female friends, that's ok, no?

I should add he is the but of short jokes in the family and with friends but it's in an affectionate way

@namechangefail2020

I married a short man, have to admit in the first few weeks I was nervous and embarrassed (feel bad saying that) to introduce to friends but when they met him and and everyone loved him I felt silly and shallow and we have been together 20 years now! He's definitely the better half!

This is lovely 😊

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Graceful posts from you, OP. This board didn't used to be as crap as it is now.

Focus on the posts written by people with a bit more compassion and functioning brain-power. It shouldn't be beyond the wit of understanding that this is a sensitive issue for you even when you've clearly said so, but it is for some who would rather put you in your place.

Your liking for this man shines through and that is something that matters. You've talked to him about this and you both understand where the other is coming from.

What about going out as a foursome with another couple that you're both friendly with? It's not exactly 'safety in numbers' but you'll probably know what I mean.

Best wishes to you both, it would be such a shame for 'this' to get in the way of what could be a 'made for each other' scenario.

You are so kind. Thankyou

I just saw your other messages... yes, so hard to shake off what people think of us, especially when we’ve had a toxic, critical parent. Embarrassment can feel a lot more intense than just embarrassment, it can be experienced as a deeply painful and scary shame. Through no fault of your own. Wishing you very well, whatever you choose.

@Justnotme

If you are attracted to him, care for him and he’s good for you, please don’t let this get in the way!

I do get the discomfort you’re describing, but if this relationship does get off the ground, you may well stop noticing it in no time at all.

I know it’s easier said than done, but please don’t let how other people might see you get in the way. It’s your life. People who are inclined to ridicule others on such things are pretty lame, IMHO, and tend to forget about what they’ve said after 5 mins and go back to their own lives. If we always listen to them, we end up having no life of our own to go back to! I’m not saying it might not feel uncomfortable sometimes, but a bit of occasional social discomfort or embarrassment pales against a loving relationship, IMO. Embarrassment can be survived and it doesn’t have to dictate our major life choices.

I nearly passed up on my partner because he didn’t fit what I thought people expected for me, we’re not a ‘normal’ fit so to speak - I am so glad I didn’t, he is wonderful.

Yes! Thankyou

The fact that there’s this height difference and he is still secure in himself speaks volumes. He sounds like a catch.

@Hailtomyteeth

Give it a go. Why not? Because of 'other people''s expectations? Poor reason. So you've spoken about your concern? That's a good thing. Open communication, no secrets, happy people. Have you told him how much you fancy him? Best be open about that, too.

Oh god he absolutely knows how beautiful I think he is! He is boy band beautiful 😍

Providing you feel genuinely attracted to him you really shouldn't let what 'other people' might think put you off pursuing this relationship. Yes, there's this ingrained notion in our society that men are, or 'should be' bigger and I hold my hands up to the fact that when I was younger I enjoyed dating men whose stature made me (at the time) feel 'protected'. Well, that was all smoke and mirrors, and me fooling myself because height/weight/build/beach readiness or whatever is absolutely no guarantee of someone's inclination to look after you, be considerate, unselfish or how good a lover they are. It's a cliche but it's what's on the inside that counts. Many of my 'tall and handsome' dates soon turned out to be disappointing in other respects.

Many years on, I now know the best indicators for a potentially happy and healthy relationship are exactly the sort of traits you described. Plus mutual attraction of course. It does NOT matter if the pair of you don't meet other people's expectations of what a couple 'should' look like. Where the hell is that bar anyway? It's like asking how long a piece of string is. And of course who you choose to get involved with is no one else's business as it has no bearing on them whatsoever. The idiots who think otherwise and who might make derogatory remarks based on height, age, race, sexuality or whatever are few and far between. The vast majority of others simply don't care how and who you couple up with, don't take any notice, and, if they're people who know you, will be pleased that you're happy, end of. That's all anyone wants for close friends or family. And the only person whose opinion really carries any sway is your son - who this guy gets on with, which is a fantastic start.

What I'm trying to say is, don't throw the baby out with the bath water so to speak. You like him, you fancy him, he hasn't put a foot wrong.... you could be waiting a long time to find someone else similar but taller, or you might never find them. Seize the day and go with it. Honestly, most of us are so caught up with our own relationships and worries we barely ever stop to consider how a.n.other couple actually look. The only ever thing I tend to notice is when couples look loved up, relaxed together and have demonstrable care for each other.... and no matter how bloody tall/short/fat/thin/old/young they are that always gives me a warm glow.

I met a very short man online. He was under 5ft and I’m only 5ft 5. I had a six month relationship with him that ended for unrelated reasons. I did feel a little embarrassed and worried at first ( shallow I know!) but honestly, that lasted a few weeks and once I’d got over myself, It really was a non issue. He was confident and it really didn’t matter one bit! He is now married to a very beautiful woman and has a lovely child. Go for it x

I'm 5'1'' and I understand you perfectly!

No good will come from berating yourself for being shallow. You have to tune in to yourself now and listen only to what you're comfortable with NOW.

I think I've changed a lot over the last ten years, my internal locus of validation is much stronger, I do care a lot less about society. But that is not an over night process.

People shaming somebody in to caring less about what other people think is not going to make them care less what other people think. In fact, shaming people never changes their behaviour.

I'm listening to Brene Browne's ''I thought it was just me but it isn't'' for the second time and it's really helping me more the second time. The first time I listened I was like yeh yeh yeh but this time round I'm more actively grappling with the concepts. I'm going to check out Gabrielle Bernstein's Judgement detox as well.

If your mother undermined you, let me recommend a book I"m listening to on audible right now called ''you're not crazy it's your mother'' by danu morrigan. I have never in all my life listened to a better description of my mother and it has been so extremely SOOTHING to listen to it. Have shed a tear in parts. In a good way.

Also at the end, there are EFT scripts to let go of some of the things holding you back. I am going to do them when I understand EFT a bit better.

@catsmother

Providing you feel genuinely attracted to him you really shouldn't let what 'other people' might think put you off pursuing this relationship. Yes, there's this ingrained notion in our society that men are, or 'should be' bigger and I hold my hands up to the fact that when I was younger I enjoyed dating men whose stature made me (at the time) feel 'protected'. Well, that was all smoke and mirrors, and me fooling myself because height/weight/build/beach readiness or whatever is absolutely no guarantee of someone's inclination to look after you, be considerate, unselfish or how good a lover they are. It's a cliche but it's what's on the inside that counts. Many of my 'tall and handsome' dates soon turned out to be disappointing in other respects.

Many years on, I now know the best indicators for a potentially happy and healthy relationship are exactly the sort of traits you described. Plus mutual attraction of course. It does NOT matter if the pair of you don't meet other people's expectations of what a couple 'should' look like. Where the hell is that bar anyway? It's like asking how long a piece of string is. And of course who you choose to get involved with is no one else's business as it has no bearing on them whatsoever. The idiots who think otherwise and who might make derogatory remarks based on height, age, race, sexuality or whatever are few and far between. The vast majority of others simply don't care how and who you couple up with, don't take any notice, and, if they're people who know you, will be pleased that you're happy, end of. That's all anyone wants for close friends or family. And the only person whose opinion really carries any sway is your son - who this guy gets on with, which is a fantastic start.

What I'm trying to say is, don't throw the baby out with the bath water so to speak. You like him, you fancy him, he hasn't put a foot wrong.... you could be waiting a long time to find someone else similar but taller, or you might never find them. Seize the day and go with it. Honestly, most of us are so caught up with our own relationships and worries we barely ever stop to consider how a.n.other couple actually look. The only ever thing I tend to notice is when couples look loved up, relaxed together and have demonstrable care for each other.... and no matter how bloody tall/short/fat/thin/old/young they are that always gives me a warm glow.

Thankyou for your insights, it was lovely to hear.

@HeyMoana

I met a very short man online. He was under 5ft and I’m only 5ft 5. I had a six month relationship with him that ended for unrelated reasons. I did feel a little embarrassed and worried at first ( shallow I know!) but honestly, that lasted a few weeks and once I’d got over myself, It really was a non issue. He was confident and it really didn’t matter one bit! He is now married to a very beautiful woman and has a lovely child. Go for it x

Thankyou

@OwlOne

I'm 5'1'' and I understand you perfectly!

No good will come from berating yourself for being shallow. You have to tune in to yourself now and listen only to what you're comfortable with NOW.

I think I've changed a lot over the last ten years, my internal locus of validation is much stronger, I do care a lot less about society. But that is not an over night process.

People shaming somebody in to caring less about what other people think is not going to make them care less what other people think. In fact, shaming people never changes their behaviour.

I'm listening to Brene Browne's ''I thought it was just me but it isn't'' for the second time and it's really helping me more the second time. The first time I listened I was like yeh yeh yeh but this time round I'm more actively grappling with the concepts. I'm going to check out Gabrielle Bernstein's Judgement detox as well.

If your mother undermined you, let me recommend a book I"m listening to on audible right now called ''you're not crazy it's your mother'' by danu morrigan. I have never in all my life listened to a better description of my mother and it has been so extremely SOOTHING to listen to it. Have shed a tear in parts. In a good way.

Also at the end, there are EFT scripts to let go of some of the things holding you back. I am going to do them when I understand EFT a bit better.

I have read that book, a long time ago... maybe time to re-read! Thankyou

I have a ds who is likely to be very short and I really hoped that having the other attributes you mention would make up for his stature in the eyes of potential partners.

You are both attracted to each other, he is (by the sounds of it) a very nice man, you get along well together... Don't lose the possibility of a great relationship because you worry about the opinions of shallow people like your mother.

Most people don't think that way.

If you want to be happy you can't spend your life fretting over how some irrelevant person somewhere might think your situation weird and snigger. Don't limit your life like that.

I did used to hate on line dating profiles where the first thing the man put down about himself (even though there's a field for that) was TALL.

@dollypollywolly I think as a single parent there is a lot of pressure on us, with more judgemental eyes on us, like, oh there you are, fucking it up AGAIN! And that comment may show that I'm still susceptible to caring what people think but I think a lot of people feel they have the right to have more of an opinion on single parents. I am detaching from people's toxic judgements now. But at the same time, I'm not keen to put myself through public declarations of ''Omg I met this guy!!!'' followed 5 weeks later by ''no. forget that'' and then deal with all the implied criticism that I could have avoided all of this if I'd been WISER.