Man I have feelings for so much smaller than me- advice needed

[dollypollywolly]

Hi everyone.

I know this sounds incredibly shallow and believe me I'm not really, but I'm a single mum of 1 14 yr old, and I've been on my own quite a while out of choice. I work at a school and one of the teachers is absolutely lovely and we get on so well. We have been out together a few times as friends and he has met my son who has special needs and is amazing with him. This guy and I just have such a laugh and I am physically attracted to him and he has made his feeling clear that he is falling for me.
The issue I have is he is around 5ft5 and very 'petite' frame. I am a tall woman, I'm almost 5ft11 and although I'm also very slim (size 10) I absolutely tower over him and just feel huge. I also weigh in at a stone heavier.
I know this sounds absolutely shallow as hell, and I want to reiterate I usually am not, but after discussing this with some work colleagues, family and friends they mainly said the same thing, we would look ridiculous together, people would stare all the time, I'd never be able to wear heels, my mum even said he'd 'look like my little boy.'
I know it is not the 'social norm' and I realise people would stare and some people would most likely take the p*ss, but I'm really not all that confident as a person and I'm just not sure I'm strong enough for that. He on the other hand seems like he couldn't care less, he tells me he would embrace me wearing heels, he couldn't care less what people thought or said and it's not something he'd even give thought to. But he has been very understanding about my concerns but I know it hurts him, and ultimately would hurt him if I say I cannot continue because of this reason.
I know I am not in a relationship with him yet and I don't owe him anything but it is just so sad because I am also developing feelings for him, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him as he is a lovely man.
Any advice and thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. And also have any of you been in the same boat and how has it gone for you?

If YOU are lucky enough to find someone who makes YOU laugh, who YOU are attracted and who is falling for YOU - why on earth would it matter what strangers may think???
On the point of strangers / other people - most have busy lives and couldn't care less about other couples they pass in the street!!!

If this man makes you feel loved and happy on cold winter nights while you are watching TV together etc - does it matter that he's a bit shorter than you? Would you rather be sat home alone satisfied that no one could be making comments about you and your partners height difference?

I'd give it a go with him!!! Just go out, have some fund and see what happens...

Goodluck!!!!!

I’m also 5’11, OP, and in the past I have had relationships with men who were shorter than me. Most men are, after all.

I can honestly say that the height issue was a bit of a litmus test for me. For me, it was a complete non-issue, and I couldn’t care less what anyone else thought. If the guy had an issue with my height or his, I knew he wasn’t the right person, because I wasn’t interested in dating shallow insecure dickheads.

I love that photo of Sophie Dahl & Jamie Cullum, and the fact that she is wearing heels. That’s a real man, not a shallow insecure dickhead.

Don't have the equivalent of a pity shag/relationship with him because you feel it wouldn't be nice of you not to go out with him.

@diddl Your son will find the right person for him. xxx

I am 6ft, and had this with a guy once. He was so attractive, we had a real spark... but I was too hung up about the height thing

Still regret that! 20 yrs later and happily married btw, but yes, that was a dumb decision of mine

I did not know how rare it is to have that kind of connection and spark.

But easier said than done. Inwardly I feel rage when people make stupid comments (like your mum) and who gives a fuck about wearing heels anyway

A tall friend of mine dated a little French man, he called her “ma grande” they had fun

@TheKrakening3

It does matter though. As a 6 ft 1 woman I can tell you that a lot of people stare. A lot of people snigger. People think it is ok to shout out oral sex jokes at you in the street or that he must have a big cock or that he must like being dominated. Generally nasty comments about relationships are made mainly by men. But this is a free for all for women too. It is so visually unusual, especially if you are not just a tall woman, but a really, really tall woman. Friends think it is ok to ask how sex works for you. It is fucking awful. You would have to have the hide of a rhino to deal with it. My DH is taller than me and I thank my lucky stars because people are so, so awful about significant height differences between couples, when the woman is the taller one.

This!

So wanna sacrifice your happiness because if others opinions?

That is beyond ridiculous

I know a couple in this scenario, he's British but of Greek heritage with a lovely trim little frame.. He absolutely relishes what he sees as his leggy, voluptuous wife (she's not actually THAT tall, maybe 5'7"/8"). They've been together 30+ years but at the Christmas do they're always the first on the dancefloor, lots of tactile, fun, flirty dancing they're very obviously mad about each other. She jokes that he makes her feel like a supermodel.

But even if I couldn't rustle up this very obvious example of mutual desire (I can think of a few others too) - mixed height/ frame relationships should be totally normalised and with the current shift towards body positivity and inclusivity I think they will be.

Obviously- none of you know me and only can take what you can from my post. I certainly am not the sort of person to have a 'pity shag' with anyone, Thankyou!
The reason I haven't slept with him is because like any man, I like to get to know them first and be sure it is heading in the right direction before I jump into bed with someone. It is called self respect not 'pity'. Sorry, but that actually made me cross!
I'm very sorry some of you are offended by my post but I think unless you have been given the gift of being an incredibly tall woman, it is hard to understand. And I get that. And I think this shows as taller women who have replied seem to understand my insecurities.
Yes I do have an issue with what others think and it is something I am continually working on. I do have a toxic mother and this certainly has not helped. I am trying to learn to shake her comments off and I am getting better but it is always hard.
My absolute intention in the beginning was to be his friend, as we work together and have such a laugh. But after a drunk night out and a kiss he has got heavier with me and I feel that pull too, but have tried hard to make sure he knows I only want to be friends right now and can make no promises. I have not lead him on, he has been very forward.

OP at the end of the day, it really should be based on how you feel about the height difference. I’m not attracted to short men at all, they just don’t do it for me. I’ve only dated men over 6ft, being slightly taller than the average female height myself. Nothing wrong with that, at the end of the day it’s about your preference.

I couldn’t care less about height. I am five eight and DH is the same . I would happily have dated someone shorter than me, taller than me, whatever. I have friends with smaller partners, I think it looks nice. 🙂

Oh, if you’ve had a good kiss then definitely go for it and forget the height thing. It’s such a good test!

Having read how you write about your feelings for him, it sounds pretty special and worth a shot.

I think I’d keep him and ditch your mother 😃

And thank you so much for all the positive comments. I really do appreciate them. Especially the kind of 'fuck society's 'norms' because this is how I feel, and I would absolutely defend a man I loved against any nasty comments, and am quite used to being that kind of lioness when it comes to my son. I have that fire in me. But inside I am a little wobbly, as you can obviously see. And I wish I wasn't. For now we are friends and I think I just need to continue that and spend time with him as a friend and being completely open and honest about what I want, as I would with any man right now. Because I am about to start a degree as a single working mother and did not plan to have a relationship no matter who it was with.

I'm very sorry some of you are offended by my post but I think unless you have been given the gift of being an incredibly tall woman, it is hard to understand. And I get that. And I think this shows as taller women who have replied seem to understand my insecurities

I’m 5’ 11”. I understand the insecurity, I don’t understand the cruelty.

Me and Oh are the same height and whilst I'm fairly slim he is very wiry and lighter than me and, I'm taller in any type of heels. Before I met him I only dated 6foot plus men, it has not mattered one jot!

I say I didn't plan, but don't these things always happen when you don't expect them to....!

@Cynara

You've discussed this with him and he's been "understanding"?? The poor man. Thinking it over yourself is one thing. Actually telling a lovely, kind man that if you decide not to pursue a relationship with him it will be because he's a shortarse and you can't handle that is absolutely hideous. No wonder he's hurt!! I'm surprised he's putting up with that, quite honestly.

I’m 100% sure as a short man his height has been discussed before. Looks are still important.

I do think it can look odd but I think the same when I see a massive rugby player out with his teenie tiny girlfriend. But I agree it’s very often short rich blokes with model girlfriends. So just let everything think he’s worth a couple of million.

My first thought is, stop discussing this with other people. You are making an issue about it because it bothers you and you are seeking reassurance from other people. Well you wont get it. So don't invite negative comments from your mother or anyone else - your attitude needs to be "we are an amazing couple and of course there is nothing ridiculous about us and if you have any negative thoughts you had damn well better hide them."

If your true feelings are that his height really bothers you, then be honest with yourself and don't lead him on. We all have unconscious baggage and it's not all stuff we're proud of. But if you're going to feel self conscious whenever you are out with him then leave him free to find someone else who doesn't have the same baggage.

Though to be honest I'd take your man over your mother any day. After what she said I can see why you lack confidence. What kind of mother tells her daughter that she looks ridiculous with the man of her choice? (And I wrote that before I saw you'd used the word "toxic" about her - why would you ever ask your mother's opinion about anything at all? She will only use it to put you down and spoil anything that should make you happy as she did just then.)

I've been in your shoes, @dollypollywolly, and I decided not to enter into a relationship with a man who was smaller than me. However - the main reason I chose this path was because I didn't fancy him. If I'd felt the "magnetic attraction" you've described, I absolutely would have gone for it.

As PPs have said, it's so hard to find someone you feel this way for. Don't let one physical characteristic hold you back! He sounds amazing AND you fancy him - RESULT!

@VodselForDinner

I'm very sorry some of you are offended by my post but I think unless you have been given the gift of being an incredibly tall woman, it is hard to understand. And I get that. And I think this shows as taller women who have replied seem to understand my insecurities

I’m 5’ 11”. I understand the insecurity, I don’t understand the cruelty.

This is a perfect example of a judging someone without knowing them

Give it a go. Why not? Because of 'other people''s expectations? Poor reason. So you've spoken about your concern? That's a good thing. Open communication, no secrets, happy people. Have you told him how much you fancy him? Best be open about that, too.

FWIW one of my friends is 6ft 2 and her husband is only slightly taller than me )(I am 5 ft 2).

They have been together for decades and i doubt anyone gives it much though. i think my friend would bollock them mightily if anything was said.

The only time I gave it more than a glancing thought was when she re-did her kitchen and got the worktops made deliberately for her height. I did wonder how the DH felt about it (I find the height uncomfortable if i am over there) but then I realised I had not given it a thought about the low worktops hurting her back as she was always leaning down.

If you are attracted to him, care for him and he’s good for you, please don’t let this get in the way!

I do get the discomfort you’re describing, but if this relationship does get off the ground, you may well stop noticing it in no time at all.

I know it’s easier said than done, but please don’t let how other people might see you get in the way. It’s your life. People who are inclined to ridicule others on such things are pretty lame, IMHO, and tend to forget about what they’ve said after 5 mins and go back to their own lives. If we always listen to them, we end up having no life of our own to go back to! I’m not saying it might not feel uncomfortable sometimes, but a bit of occasional social discomfort or embarrassment pales against a loving relationship, IMO. Embarrassment can be survived and it doesn’t have to dictate our major life choices.

I nearly passed up on my partner because he didn’t fit what I thought people expected for me, we’re not a ‘normal’ fit so to speak - I am so glad I didn’t, he is wonderful.

Some dear friends of ours have a similar height difference. They are very happy together. Go for it.