Man I have feelings for so much smaller than me- advice needed

[dollypollywolly]

Hi everyone.

I know this sounds incredibly shallow and believe me I'm not really, but I'm a single mum of 1 14 yr old, and I've been on my own quite a while out of choice. I work at a school and one of the teachers is absolutely lovely and we get on so well. We have been out together a few times as friends and he has met my son who has special needs and is amazing with him. This guy and I just have such a laugh and I am physically attracted to him and he has made his feeling clear that he is falling for me.
The issue I have is he is around 5ft5 and very 'petite' frame. I am a tall woman, I'm almost 5ft11 and although I'm also very slim (size 10) I absolutely tower over him and just feel huge. I also weigh in at a stone heavier.
I know this sounds absolutely shallow as hell, and I want to reiterate I usually am not, but after discussing this with some work colleagues, family and friends they mainly said the same thing, we would look ridiculous together, people would stare all the time, I'd never be able to wear heels, my mum even said he'd 'look like my little boy.'
I know it is not the 'social norm' and I realise people would stare and some people would most likely take the p*ss, but I'm really not all that confident as a person and I'm just not sure I'm strong enough for that. He on the other hand seems like he couldn't care less, he tells me he would embrace me wearing heels, he couldn't care less what people thought or said and it's not something he'd even give thought to. But he has been very understanding about my concerns but I know it hurts him, and ultimately would hurt him if I say I cannot continue because of this reason.
I know I am not in a relationship with him yet and I don't owe him anything but it is just so sad because I am also developing feelings for him, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him as he is a lovely man.
Any advice and thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. And also have any of you been in the same boat and how has it gone for you?

What an awful shame it would be to miss out on what sounds like it could be a very good relationship with someone who could really be a great person in your son’s life. Your mother sounds ridiculous - how shallow - no wonder you lack confidence having been subjected to that sort of judgement.

You get braver one way - make the right choices for you and cancel down those negative reductive voices.

You are lucky he hasn’t walked away already - make this your moment to embrace life but restriction

No one cares. I know a couple too of similar height they're very happy. SIL is 5 inches taller than Dbro.
If you don't feel comfortable you're not shallow it isn't for everyone.
Small confident men are very attractive.

As a woman of 5'11' most men will be shorter than you to some degree and you will never wear heels if you let a height difference bother you.

@Cynara

You've discussed this with him and he's been "understanding"?? The poor man. Thinking it over yourself is one thing. Actually telling a lovely, kind man that if you decide not to pursue a relationship with him it will be because he's a shortarse and you can't handle that is absolutely hideous. No wonder he's hurt!! I'm surprised he's putting up with that, quite honestly.

Yeah this - really nasty of you OP. Horrible.

I know a couple like this. They maybe joke about it the first time you meet them, after that you don't even notice. Lovely couple.

@StormBaby

You need to examine your own true feelings on this and not what society wants. Me personally, being a very tall woman(6ft+), I can’t deal with it. I was married to someone shorter for 12 years and it made me feel huge, cumbersome, manly, unattractive. I vowed never to date anyone shorter than me ever again and I haven’t. If you feel it won’t bother you, then go for it! He sounds lovely!

Just curious, not sure it ''proves'' anything but how much shorter? Like, 5'10 is not really a short man. I imagine I could deal with that. It might even make me feel ''emboldened'' like seeeee, I don't care what society thinks, go me. But if he were a few inches shorter, 5'7 or so. I imagine, just to admit being very human, I would if I were 6'0 feel very self-conscious, like mean spirited people were thinking we looked like a comedy duo walking down the street!

I think the advice not to care what other people think is good but there is a limit where you're challenging society's views so strongly that you need to be able to deal with that and it's another drain on your energies.

I was just about to post Sophie Dahl and Jamie Cullum (who I think is dead sexy and I'm 5'10"). I also love him because he loves Sufjan Stevens, my favourite musician.

Pardon the pun, OP, but life's too short (it really is and I mean this with the whole of my heart). Goddamn when you find a good'un, reel him in and let the love happen.

Oh and a friend is six inches taller than her long term partner. She isn’t petite and he is - I can’t remember anyone, ever, commenting on it.

I'm taller than my man. He is always buying me heels. It's really not an issue. If he is a lovely bloke then shame to lose out by worrying about something superficial

I'm several inches taller than my partner. Been together 8 years and his hight has never been a problem, he is an amazing, intelligent and confident individual and I'm lucky to have him. He also has no problem picking me up, especially when I fall asleep on the sofa!
Try not to pay attention to what others say. If you like him and find him attractive, that is what matters

Also FWIW, I dated a small man. His humour and confidence knocked the socks off of me. He was gorgeous and funny and just a lot of fun to be witih. But he became jealous, dark, brooding, obsessive. I broke up with him for those reasons alone, nothing to do with his height! He was about 4 inches shorter.

I don't know about the height difference as I'm short but I can tell you, as a solidly built woman I've slept with a couple of short, slim men and the chemistry doesn't work. I just don't like being in bed with a man who is less physically substantial than I am. You may find it's not a problem but IME (3 men afair) it has been.

Don't be silly, he sounds nice...

Would you really throw away a lovely happy potential relationship because you are a bit taller than him? I feel like as far as deal breakers go that seems silly. I get that it must feel strange being so much taller but you need to try and look at it a in a little more balanced way. Really, who actually gives a shit? Would your friends rather you be with a dickhead who was 6ft tall? There are more important things in life

@CodenameVillanelle

I don't know about the height difference as I'm short but I can tell you, as a solidly built woman I've slept with a couple of short, slim men and the chemistry doesn't work. I just don't like being in bed with a man who is less physically substantial than I am. You may find it's not a problem but IME (3 men afair) it has been.

One of the best shags in my life has been a previous DP who was several inches shorter than me and spent a LOT of time in the gym. I am tall and squishy. We both very much enjoyed the naked time...

Similar height distance to me and my husband been together 20 years married 17...

It really doesn’t matter, some people judge regardless & will find something to pass comment on.

I'm 5'11, partner is a few inches shorter. Not sure how our weight compares but my hands and feet are bigger.

Sure, if I got to build my ideal man from scratch he'd be big and tall. But back in the real world, I had to choose from what's actually on offer - the average man is shorter than I am, and this particular man is delightful, funny and devoted. It's the best relationship I've ever had.

No friend has ever commented on the height difference, they're too busy cooing about how we both glow with happiness when we're together.

Also, the height difference doesn't matter when you're both horizontal

It might force you to work on your confidence too, try and embrace it and see how it goes

I just read this again OP I realise people would stare and some people would most likely take the pss, but I'm really not all that confident as a person and I'm just not sure I'm strong enough for that.*

fooookin' hell, it's not like he's Vladimir Demikhov's two-headed dog. Dial it back. He's a nice guy. And I love his, I don't give a fuck, I'll hug you in heels approach! Who cares what people think? For those with an opinion, they can do one. Don't throw happiness under the bus because you care too much about what an invisible minority might think.

Poor guy.

He sounds lovely. He’s sweet to you, kind to your child, and in return he’s having his physical characteristics discussed in a negative manner with his colleagues.

You’re also telling him that your reservations about him are due to his height. That’s awful. I can imagine he’s had comments his whole life about it.

I think you’re teasing him in some weird way by discussing it with him and making him an audience to your “will I, won’t I” charade. He can’t make himself taller but your hand wringing about the issue TO HIM is insensitive and cruel.

He sounds lovely. I hope he meets someone nice who appreciates him as a person.

I think you should go for it OP, if he treats you and your son right you’d be a fool to let a good man go over something so shallow. A friend of mine is taller than her DH and she still wears killer heels when she goes out.

You're worried you might get stared at for being with a shorter man? His difference in height makes you feel you look 'ridiculous together'? As a mother of a child with special needs, I'm surprised you would be so shallow to be honest.

Same goes with your friends and mum. If you/they can presumably love and embrace your son despite his differences, why not this new guy for being shorter than you?

This guy sounds amazing and I think you would be a fool to not go for it, just because he's shorter than average height for a man.

YABU to discuss this with him—there is very much such a thing as being too honest with people. Short men are well aware that they are short, a lot of women act like it’s basically rabies so he doesn’t need you pointing it out. The whole “do we look good together” thing would totally piss me off—as a not very skinny woman I often date men who are slimmer than me, if any of them suggested they weren’t sure about dating me because our different weights wouldn’t look good together, trust me they wouldn’t have a day on us dating anymore.

It would be really sad to decide to not date a great guy because of your worries about dating someone short. I find that really sad—I’m saying that as someone who has dated men who are shorter than me and who have various disabilities). Even considering how others think we look as a couple is irrelevant, shallow and a huge barrier to having any meaningful relationship with someone.

I have to say I have never understood why some women put so much importance on a man being taller than them?! Who cares?

I think more important qualities in a partner are to do with personality surely? Obviously there needs to be an attraction there too which you say there is so what’s the problem?

I feel a bit sorry for this guy that you have told him you have an issue with his height. I’d be so upset if a guy had said something to me about having an issue with my appearance. You either accept him for who he is or move on but don’t string him along

I think your family and friends are being
massively over the top! People who walk past you in the street really aren’t going to give a fuck. Somebody might notice that you are taller - an observable fact - but people aren’t going to judge you for it. People aren’t going to stare at you! You are a few inches taller, you don’t have two bloody heads!