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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Was my partner in the wrong?

178 replies

alesha123445 · 24/10/2020 12:40

This happened only 30minutes ago and I've gone on my phone to vent my upset.

My baby fell off my nans bed a couple weeks ago, we cosleep and I've never had an issue with her even comeing close to falling off. I always make it safe for her with pillows and I'm always watching her with the monitor. At my nans I was feeding her to sleep.. my bladders bad so had to run the toilet because I was peeing myself.. she happened to wake when I left, roll atleast 5 times straight off the side that I didnt protect. It was a mistake and I felt so bad about it, I still do. I asked my partner not to say anything because she always goes on about putting her in the cot and why I shouldn't cosleep, I also didnt want thhe judgment. He agreed not to.

This morning my baby crawled and banged her head, she has two little Mark's on her forehead where a little bit of skin came off, it looks scratched more than banged. I was there with her but I didnt realise she was going to bang her head, I know I'm in the wrong for it.

The mil came in before and asked what happened, I told her she banged her head and my partner came and goes "she doesnt look after her properly" It annoyed me because it's all I do so i said "shut the fuk up" the mil in disgust of me swearing turned her back to me and ignored me. 5mins later after that, be comes back up to moan about all the clothes at the bottom of the stairs (we have had no woordrobe, it's just been built 2 days ago and I just needed to find the time to start sorting through it all as it's a big job with the baby) as he was moaning at me for it, I was explaining why I said fuk off because i really try to be a good mum. He hears and says "she doesnt look after her, let's just say. Shes had some high falls" the mil looked at me disgusted waiting for me to spill the information. I basically said she fell off the bed at my nans, she then goes On about how i should put her in the cot and how it's so dangerous to put her in the bed.. as I knew she would. She then says "in the day time just put her in the cot with her toys to get used to it" my partner goes "put the baby in there now" at this point i was getting really annoyed and started snapping at them both, i felt really on the spot and judged as a mum. The mil could tell i was getting annoyed and stopped but my partner carried on. "I said I dont want to put her in the cot, shes fine cosleeping" he keeps sayingg "put her in the cot now" I kept saying no, just shut up now. I get upset so I go in my phone to try and mask it, he then goes on about how misreble I'm being because I'm on my phone. 5 mins later he picks up a pair of socks and throws it pretty hard hitting my face. It didnt hurt but with how I was already feeling I felt my eyes getting watery and ready to cry, I held it in. He throws a pair at his mum too, he was messing around but in the moment it felt shit. Mil had left to go shop and will be back soon. I just feel a bit upset by how he acted

OP posts:

Coffeeandcocopops · 24/10/2020 13:13

Your partner and his mum are naturally concerned and when that happens sometimes we don’t communicate properly.

You cannot leave your baby to sleep on your bed without you being there. That is dangerous.

Original poster

alesha123445 · 24/10/2020 13:15

She has only ever fell of the bed once, no other falls. I make it safe for her, just that one time I didnt and I've learnt from it. I wont justify it but I dont need to explain shes safe any further. She has banged herself with toys before but yea, that's it.

OP posts:

MrsBrunch · 24/10/2020 13:17

Putting pillows next to her isn't making it safe for her, OP. In fact it's making it dangerous. Why don't you talk it over with your health visitor who can give you professional advice.

Chocolatehobnob9 · 24/10/2020 13:17

But are you leaving her in the bed that you've made safe for her and watching her on the monitor therefore leaving her alone???

gamerchick · 24/10/2020 13:18

@conduitoffortune

If I had a baby with a partner who allowed them to roll off the bed and then told me to shut the fuck up when I raised it, they would no longer be my partner.

Most babies roll off something at some point. It happens at least once and then you know they're mobile now.

wewereliars · 24/10/2020 13:19

How can a baby who has only just started rolling bang herself with toys? That makes no sense. No wonder your partner's worried, I would be too

Original poster

alesha123445 · 24/10/2020 13:20

I think theres a difference between speaking about an issue he has in private, to saying I dont look after our child and being rude. Hes never brought it up before, I shut him down because of what he said but I'd never shut down him expressing his thoughts to me.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 24/10/2020 13:21

Most babies roll off something at some point. It happens at least once and then you know they're mobile now

Eh, no they don’t.

Op, it sounds like you’re still refusing to put your child in a cot. And you’re going to keep leaving her on a bed with pillows round her. That’s not making it safe it’s making it more dangerous. She could suffocate.

As the pps said she’s mobile now. Put her in the cot when you’re not there, there is absolutely no reason for you to refuse to do this, it is not a slander on your parenting skills that she now needs it, and there is every reason for you to do it

Being a parent is putting your child first. Put her in the cot..

Original poster

alesha123445 · 24/10/2020 13:21

She doesnt "bang" herself with toys she will wave them in the air and sometimes does it, it's never hurt her but I'm just saying.. that's all? I've seen other babies to the exact same and all my family have seen her do it, your all acting like I'm abusing my child. Icba with this shit

OP posts:

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 24/10/2020 13:22

How old are you both? You both sound extremely immature.

Billben · 24/10/2020 13:22

She has only ever fell of the bed once, no other falls. I make it safe for her, just that one time I didnt and I've learnt from it

I don’t think you have actually. No baby who is able to crawl should be left on a bed even if it is padded with pillows. Yet you still carry on doing it. You never know when you are going to need to leave the room. The cot would be the safer place to put her.

Ffsseriously · 24/10/2020 13:22

I dont understand why you wont put her in her cot, when you aren't there.

gamerchick · 24/10/2020 13:23

They really do.

I find it most interesting that each time a mother comes on here stressing out that her baby has rolled off the bed or the sofa etc she gets replies of support and how babies roll off things.

One comes on now and she gets her arse handed to her. Why is that?

Chocolatehobnob9 · 24/10/2020 13:24

@alesha123445 No. From your post you have said you make the bed safe for her with pillows and you're watching her on the monitor.. That infers you LEAVE her alone in the bed surrounded by pillows.. Nobody is saying you abuse your child. But do you realise HOW dangerous that is. You have absolutely no excuse for not putting her in the cot whilst you're not there. As PP poster said.. Parenting is about putting your child first.

Bluntness100 · 24/10/2020 13:25

One comes on now and she gets her arse handed to her. Why is that?

I’m surprised you need to ask. And that’s because it reads like the op is intent on continuing to do this and pretending she’s co sleeping when she’s not even in the room.

It’s unsafe and this child could get seriously hurt. So people are going to do their best to protect the child and stop the op doing this.

wewereliars · 24/10/2020 13:26

You said she banged herself with toys. If you have seen her hit herself with a toy you don't let it happen a second time. The toy is clearly not appropriate for her. You really need to grow up

conduitoffortune · 24/10/2020 13:26

*@gamerchick

*conduitoffortune
If I had a baby with a partner who allowed them to roll off the bed and then told me to shut the fuck up when I raised it, they would no longer be my partner.

Most babies roll off something at some point. It happens at least once and then you know they're mobile now.*

Except she knows the baby is mobile and still intends to leave the baby on beds rather than using a cot.

Billben · 24/10/2020 13:27

Icba with this shit

Pack it in with the attitude OP. Your partner, “the” MIL (as you rudely keep referring to her) and most of the people on the thread are just trying to make you see sense.

Elieza · 24/10/2020 13:28

I’d respectfully suggest:

Don’t swear. You will have to learn to stop or your child’s first words will be fuck off. So best start now. It difficult, I know!

Wear tena ladys then you don’t have to worry about wee if you can’t get to the loo in time. Most mums have been exactly the same. It can take a while to get back to normal. Leaks are par for the course.

Why are you so dead against the cot? Is there something worrying you about it? Or is it that this is about you wanting comfort from the baby in bed? Or is she preventing your partner from sharing your bed so the longer she is in it the safer from his attentions you feel (he sounds like a dick)? I think you have to further learn from your mistakes and put her in the cot rather than coskeep as mistakes have happened and you say you want to learn from them. Best start now before she splits her head open or gets concussion in her next fall.

What age are you both? He sounds young for sure so I wonder if you are too. Perhaps you need some more guidance from a local organisation about child rearing. As every mum will tell you it’s the hardest job in the world and kids don’t come with a Haynes manual to help you! It’s would be credit to you to look for advice from a reliable source. There’s no shame in it.

Why is your partner not helping you more? Does he go to work all day and think you just lazing about at home and should therefore do all the housework as it’s not like you have a Real Job? If so that’s not fair. He needs to realise how hard parenting is and you don’t get a good sleep at night to refresh yourself either.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Just be open to listening to advice and trying what sounds reasonable. And if you don’t think he’s the one for you don’t be afraid to leave him.

Sweetchillichicken · 24/10/2020 13:28

I do disagree with putting her in a cot if you don’t want to, but there are safe cosleeping measures such as a mattress on the floor with no pillows or blankets near your child.

There are fb groups on it with advice on how to safely cosleep and cosleeping really is the only option for a lot to get any sleep if you are breastfeeding frequently during the night.

Your dp went about it wrong though, he shouldn’t have belittled your parenting.

MrsBrunch · 24/10/2020 13:28

@gamerchick

They really do.

I find it most interesting that each time a mother comes on here stressing out that her baby has rolled off the bed or the sofa etc she gets replies of support and how babies roll off things.

One comes on now and she gets her arse handed to her. Why is that?

Because instead of taking the advice and support onboard, OP is insisting on putting her baby in a dangerous situation.

OP it's clear that you love your baby very much and posters are just trying to prevent her coming to harm. She can suffocate in pillows. Or she can fall off the bed again and break her neck. Sorry to be blunt but that is what can happen if you refuse to put her somewhere safe when you're not there.

Original poster

alesha123445 · 24/10/2020 13:29

Shea never left alone in the bed, it was that one time, thats where I learnt my mistake. If I need to go downstairs for a min I put the monitor on and watch her until I'm back upstairs, that one time I had to run because I had been breastfeeding her to sleep and my bladders been bad ever since birth. I was gone for about 30secs, not 30mins. I know shes safe, I'm not gonna explain it anymore.

OP posts:

Doingitaloneandproud · 24/10/2020 13:29

@alesha123445

I don't think anyone has said you're abusing your child, but you seem to think your way is the best way and unwilling to listen to others advice. A lot of us have had children already so know once they start rolling and moving, that's it. They need to be in a cot when you leave the room or in a safe place where they can't roll/crawl off, this isn't having a go at you, it's for the child's safety. I loved cosleeping and don't have anything against it, but when you're not there, it's not cosleeping

DevonBird9 · 24/10/2020 13:30

Why on earth are you still co-sleeping when your baby can now easily roll off the bed? Your husband is right, put her in the cot. Shocking.

2020hello · 24/10/2020 13:30

How old is she op?

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