Was my partner in the wrong?

[alesha123445]

This happened only 30minutes ago and I've gone on my phone to vent my upset.

My baby fell off my nans bed a couple weeks ago, we cosleep and I've never had an issue with her even comeing close to falling off. I always make it safe for her with pillows and I'm always watching her with the monitor. At my nans I was feeding her to sleep.. my bladders bad so had to run the toilet because I was peeing myself.. she happened to wake when I left, roll atleast 5 times straight off the side that I didnt protect. It was a mistake and I felt so bad about it, I still do. I asked my partner not to say anything because she always goes on about putting her in the cot and why I shouldn't cosleep, I also didnt want thhe judgment. He agreed not to.

This morning my baby crawled and banged her head, she has two little Mark's on her forehead where a little bit of skin came off, it looks scratched more than banged. I was there with her but I didnt realise she was going to bang her head, I know I'm in the wrong for it.

The mil came in before and asked what happened, I told her she banged her head and my partner came and goes "she doesnt look after her properly" It annoyed me because it's all I do so i said "shut the fuk up" the mil in disgust of me swearing turned her back to me and ignored me. 5mins later after that, be comes back up to moan about all the clothes at the bottom of the stairs (we have had no woordrobe, it's just been built 2 days ago and I just needed to find the time to start sorting through it all as it's a big job with the baby) as he was moaning at me for it, I was explaining why I said fuk off because i really try to be a good mum. He hears and says "she doesnt look after her, let's just say. Shes had some high falls" the mil looked at me disgusted waiting for me to spill the information. I basically said she fell off the bed at my nans, she then goes On about how i should put her in the cot and how it's so dangerous to put her in the bed.. as I knew she would. She then says "in the day time just put her in the cot with her toys to get used to it" my partner goes "put the baby in there now" at this point i was getting really annoyed and started snapping at them both, i felt really on the spot and judged as a mum. The mil could tell i was getting annoyed and stopped but my partner carried on. "I said I dont want to put her in the cot, shes fine cosleeping" he keeps sayingg "put her in the cot now" I kept saying no, just shut up now. I get upset so I go in my phone to try and mask it, he then goes on about how misreble I'm being because I'm on my phone. 5 mins later he picks up a pair of socks and throws it pretty hard hitting my face. It didnt hurt but with how I was already feeling I felt my eyes getting watery and ready to cry, I held it in. He throws a pair at his mum too, he was messing around but in the moment it felt shit. Mil had left to go shop and will be back soon. I just feel a bit upset by how he acted

[ShirleyPhallus]

@PheasantPlucker1

This thread really is mumsnet at its fucking worst.

One poster even suggest a mum should piss herself rather than leave a kid alone for a few mins, or, god forbid, with its Dad.

I just hope OP saw the funny side and wasnt too upset by it.

Yes, I think suggesting the OP should wear tena lady was a pretty low blow

[SandyY2K]

Accident so happen yes - most of us have been change our when our babies suddenly display a propensity to move or roll. But Either put the baby in a cot or put a bouncy chair in the bathroom

Exactly. Not stubbornly continue what you did, or think pillows are a solution.

God Mumsnet carries on bullying even when the victim leaves.

She's not a victim and nobody is bullying her FGS. Talk about being dramatic.

For what it's worth, OP, my poor dd suffered loads of accidents at my hands, fortunately I didn't have anyone else to rub my nose in it.

A child having loads of accidents whilst in the care of their mother is careless.

If a child had loads of accidents at nursery or with a childminder I'd question their competence to look after my child safely and find adequate childcare elsewhere.

Accidents are inevitable, nobody is saying accidents with babies never happen but the outright refusal to change behaviour, is the issue here.

A cot is much safer than leaving a baby on the bed unattended....even for 30 seconds.

Imagine if the dad had left her on the bed and she fell, then he told his wife/DP not to tell anyone/her mum...he would be getting called controlling.

Quite frankly... I as an adult can say what I want to my family members, but you gagged him from doing so.

Monitors are fine for when a baby is in a safe place ...like a cot, moses basket...or a playpen, they're not a substitute for being with a baby who is mobile and can be really fast.

[Bluntness100]

There is no issue with co sleeping unless you don’t do it safely. Then there is something very wrong with it.

This baby is seven and a half months old, she’s now mobile. Shortly she will be crawling even more. The op cannot leave that child in a bed alone, if the baby crawls off the bed and falls and breaks her back, or neck or bangs her head and causes serious damage, it’s humanly impossible for the op to catch her before she falls.

That’s the issue, that’s what the op needs to safe guard against. Of course it didn’t happen before she was mobile, but she is now, and every day she’s getting more mobile. Every day the risk increases.

Anyone saying “oh how lovely” is endangering a child. Co sleep by all means, but when you leave the room the baby goes in a cot for their safety, otherwise the op risks tragedy.

I just hope enough of us have told her that the next time she stops herself before she walks out the room and leaves her baby alone on the bed.

[PheasantPlucker1]

Bluntness the resposes were so overdramatic and hyperbolic (example - stop swearing or babies first words will be fuck off) that no sane or rational person would listen to a word.
Sadly.

[OhCaptain]

The overly harsh responses are unnecessary.

But the pandering “you’re a great mum” posts are irresponsible.

I can’t even work out the weird dynamic between OP, her boyfriend, her MIL, and her nan.

But the fact is that OP seems unwilling to make necessary adjustments to ensure her baby is safe and that is not being a good mum.

[PheasantPlucker1]

In the OPs first 4 posts she acknowledged each time she had made a mistake and had learnt from that.

What more did you want her to say?

[WhereverIGoddamnLike]

@PheasantPlucker1

She thinks her mistake was not turning the monitor on because she left so quickly.

She doeant agree that pillows are not a safety barrier.
She doeant agree that the baby should not be left on the bed when she leaves the room, even to go to the toilet.
She doeant believe she needs to put the baby in the cot or take the baby with her when she leaves the room.
She didnt engage in suggestions of bed guards.

The acknowledgement she gave was just that she left without turning on the monitor.... because she thinks that solves the problem. In fact, she repeatedly says that the baby is totally safe wit the current arrangement and the only thing that went wrong this time was not turning the monitor on. That wouldn't have changed a thing.

[OhCaptain]

@PheasantPlucker1

In the OPs first 4 posts she acknowledged each time she had made a mistake and had learnt from that.

What more did you want her to say?

Did she? I only saw her say she’d stuffed more pillows on the bed and taken a monitor with her.

A monitor will do nothing expect allow her to watch her baby fall.

She’s coming across as pretty adamantly anti-cot but ignored suggestions of safety rails for the bed (for example) choosing instead to insist over and over again that she’s a “good mum.”

I don’t see any posts where she sets out a plan to properly make sure her baby can be as safe as possible.

Accidents happen, of course. But wilfully refusing to put proper safety measures in place just because her partner or MIL told her to is irresponsible and a risk to her baby.

[PheasantPlucker1]

Did it occour to anyone she didnt engage as she had asked for help with her relationship, not her child?

Or that she didnt engage because it was batshit?

I wouldnt engage in a discussion about safe parenting with people who seriously suggested I piss in the bed my child slept in.

[OhCaptain]

@PheasantPlucker1

Did it occour to anyone she didnt engage as she had asked for help with her relationship, not her child?

Or that she didnt engage because it was batshit?

I wouldnt engage in a discussion about safe parenting with people who seriously suggested I piss in the bed my child slept in.

She did engage. She engaged to keep insisting that she was a great mum and would have the monitor on.

[WhereverIGoddamnLike]

@PheasantPlucker1

Are you saying you dont think she has the intelligence to separate the reasonable "what about bed guards or using the cot when you leave the room" from the hysterical responses like "just wet the bed".

I would think most people have the intelligence to separate those 2 suggestions, so I credit the OP with having the ability to do so. I'm sorry you've assumed she cant.


I think she did read them all, but decided against them all because, as she said repeatedly, she thinks her baby is perfectly safe and will never roll or crawl around the bed again, especially since she can watch through the monitor.

Oh, and her partner has been told by her that he cannot tell anyone else about this... because God forbid he gets some support to make things safer for his child.

[PheasantPlucker1]

She asked for help with what sounds like an abusive relationship.

People in abusive relationships usually dont make all the best parenting choices. The fact OP is still breastfeeding at 7months shows shes trying her best and is doing some things well.

If she had got the help and support she needed rather than a ridiculous pile on, suggestions such as bed rails might have been taken more seriously.

[PheasantPlucker1]

Wherever he got support in telling OP what to do rather than do a damn thing himself.

Does that actually sound like a normal relationship to you?

[RantyAnty]

It sounds like the both of you need a parenting class.

[Bluntness100]

She asked for help with what sounds like an abusive relationship

Ok, I agree, she shouldn’t have told him to shut the fuck up or banned him from telling his mum what she was doing, and yes, if a man was treating his partner like this he’d also be classified as abusive, but I don’t think she’s posting for help on it, or deems herself abusive as you’re suggesting?

[WhereverIGoddamnLike]

@PheasantPlucker1

The only thing the OP said about his parenting was that he also enjoys co-sleeping. We dont know the rest of the circumstances. He could have been at work, or just not in bed yet. She could have called him up if he was in the house; she didnt.

All we know about him is that he enjoy co-sleeping. I dont just assume that men are abusive, particularly since it is the OP was was telling him to "shut the fuck up" when he told his mum what had happened.

Just because she breastfeeds doesnt mean all her other decisions are correct. She has been very clear that she wont be changing a thing. Her partner, her own gran and her MIL all think she needs to make thing safer but no... she knows better. And you think he is the problem.

[PheasantPlucker1]

Maybe he is abusive, maybe not. We will never know.

OP was insulted so much she fucked off, and I cant blame her.

If OP is still around there are other "mums" websites that are a lot more useful, and where you will get friendly supportive discussion.

[WhereverIGoddamnLike]

@PheasantPlucker1

For the sake if my morbid fascination, could you demonstrate how you would be supportive of her decision to not put in place any safety measures?

Because that's what she is doing. She is refusing to alter anything to make co-sleeping safe. She will continue going down to the toilet and leaving baby on the bed alone. And people on here are telling her what a wonderful mum she is. Well done.

[Nicolastuffedone]

That poor baby.....

[PheasantPlucker1]

How to be supportive?

Focus on the actual problem OP has asked about. Is it really that hard?

[OhCaptain]

@PheasantPlucker1

How to be supportive?

Focus on the actual problem OP has asked about. Is it really that hard?

I think anyone with any sort of conscience would step in when they hear of a child in danger.

[PheasantPlucker1]

Really?

So what have you done to step in about the poster admitting they think its ok to soil her kids beds?

[goldenharvest]

People just love to criticise young mothers, and then act like everyone of them is perfect with perfectly cared for children, who never fall off the sofa or bump their heads.

Just ignore them and sort out your unsupportive dick of a partner.

You're doing a great job. Much nicer to co sleep and have a contented baby, rather than some nasty cry it out routine. Your breastfeeding is the icing on the cake. You're being a good mum

[MyCatReallyIsAGit]

@alesha123445, a practical suggestion for you: have a look on Amazon for bed rails. I have a baby who co-sleeps because he’s difficult about his cot so we now have a bed rail in case I need to run to the loo or he moves when I’m asleep (he previously fell off the bed once). The bed rails are good and give you a bit of extra security.

[StressyMcstresserson]

@PheasantPlucker1

This thread really is mumsnet at its fucking worst.

One poster even suggest a mum should piss herself rather than leave a kid alone for a few mins, or, god forbid, with its Dad.

I just hope OP saw the funny side and wasnt too upset by it.

People on this site are really fucking nasty. I totally agree with you. A bunch of bullys but when you retaliate your comments get removed but the bullying comments stay where they are! Absolutely vile. Poor OP !!