Was my partner in the wrong?

[alesha123445]

This happened only 30minutes ago and I've gone on my phone to vent my upset.

My baby fell off my nans bed a couple weeks ago, we cosleep and I've never had an issue with her even comeing close to falling off. I always make it safe for her with pillows and I'm always watching her with the monitor. At my nans I was feeding her to sleep.. my bladders bad so had to run the toilet because I was peeing myself.. she happened to wake when I left, roll atleast 5 times straight off the side that I didnt protect. It was a mistake and I felt so bad about it, I still do. I asked my partner not to say anything because she always goes on about putting her in the cot and why I shouldn't cosleep, I also didnt want thhe judgment. He agreed not to.

This morning my baby crawled and banged her head, she has two little Mark's on her forehead where a little bit of skin came off, it looks scratched more than banged. I was there with her but I didnt realise she was going to bang her head, I know I'm in the wrong for it.

The mil came in before and asked what happened, I told her she banged her head and my partner came and goes "she doesnt look after her properly" It annoyed me because it's all I do so i said "shut the fuk up" the mil in disgust of me swearing turned her back to me and ignored me. 5mins later after that, be comes back up to moan about all the clothes at the bottom of the stairs (we have had no woordrobe, it's just been built 2 days ago and I just needed to find the time to start sorting through it all as it's a big job with the baby) as he was moaning at me for it, I was explaining why I said fuk off because i really try to be a good mum. He hears and says "she doesnt look after her, let's just say. Shes had some high falls" the mil looked at me disgusted waiting for me to spill the information. I basically said she fell off the bed at my nans, she then goes On about how i should put her in the cot and how it's so dangerous to put her in the bed.. as I knew she would. She then says "in the day time just put her in the cot with her toys to get used to it" my partner goes "put the baby in there now" at this point i was getting really annoyed and started snapping at them both, i felt really on the spot and judged as a mum. The mil could tell i was getting annoyed and stopped but my partner carried on. "I said I dont want to put her in the cot, shes fine cosleeping" he keeps sayingg "put her in the cot now" I kept saying no, just shut up now. I get upset so I go in my phone to try and mask it, he then goes on about how misreble I'm being because I'm on my phone. 5 mins later he picks up a pair of socks and throws it pretty hard hitting my face. It didnt hurt but with how I was already feeling I felt my eyes getting watery and ready to cry, I held it in. He throws a pair at his mum too, he was messing around but in the moment it felt shit. Mil had left to go shop and will be back soon. I just feel a bit upset by how he acted

[OldChinaJug]

Shea never left alone in the bed, it was that one time, thats where I learnt my mistake. If I need to go downstairs for a min I put the monitor on and watch her until I'm back upstairs

Well which is it? She's never left on her own or she's sometimes left on her own?

You clearly love your daughter but your parenting raises concerns currently - for your partner and his mother who see it, and for us who are only hearing your own description of it.

You clearly love your daughter, OP. But I used to work in child protection and the CP register was full of children in your daughter's position whose parents clearly loved them but whose capacity for parenting wasn't great and their whole attitude towards the situation meant they weren't improving.

[witchwoo]

What on earth is he doing throwing a pair of socks into your face? That would be the 1st and last time my DH ever did that. No wonder you're pissed off.

OP you sound like a wonderful mum. Breastfeeding and Co-sleeping is indeed the best for them. How lovely that you breastfeed to sleep. Mine are all a lot older now but I remember it well laying there desperate for a wee.

We all make mistakes - you weren't expecting your child to roll 5 times and you'll know next time (could you put your mattress on the floor?).

And she crawled and banged her head while exploring - that's kinda how they learn about the dangers around them. All we can do is make safe as much as we can, and monitor as much as poss, but there will always be bumps and bruises.

The problem here isn't your mothering skills at all, it's your disrespectful DP.

[OldChinaJug]

OP you sound like a wonderful mum

Seriously?

Breast feeding and co-sleeping are good, yes, but parenting is more than that and co-sleeping has to be done safely.

There is more to being a 'wonderful mum'than nust loving your baby.

[WhereverIGoddamnLike]

@PheasantPlucker1

But it's ok for her to say "shut the fuck up" because he raised what is a very real concern?

She isnt co-sleeping safely. And she isnt listening to her partner. She actually went as far as silencing her partner so no one would even know about it. He broke her little rule by telling his mum something he is very worried about. This is his child too.

If a man had done something dangerous with the baby and told a woman to not tell their nan-in-law and not even their own mother, then people on would be calling him controlling and telling her to leave.

The OP is endangering the baby by jot co-sleeling safely. This is the first accident, these things happen. But once they have happened, you change how you manage the situation to ensure it never happens again. The OP is refusing to alter her method and telling her partner not to discuss his worries with family. He is allowed to seek advise. He is allowed to question dangerous behaviour.
And what does she do? She tells him to shut the fuck up. Nice.

[WhereverIGoddamnLike]

@witchwoo

The problem is she doesnt know for next time. She keeps saying it isnt a worry because it's only happened once and she wont be changing her method, so will continue to leave the baby on the bed alone and just watch over the monitor as she rolls herself to an injury.

She needs bed guards or she needs a cot. But she isnt planning to change a thing. And baby is only going to get more mobile and more at risk.

[WhereverIGoddamnLike]

@witchwoo

Oh, and if your DH told you that you werent allowed to discuss concerns you had with your family to get advise, would that be ok? And if he told you to shut the fuck up if you did seek advise from your mum, would that be ok?

[Elieza]

What age are you OP?

[Lovemusic33]

Having a monitor on whilst your go to the toilet won’t stop her rolling off the bed, are you going to make it back upstairs before she has rolled and landed on the ground?

I co slept with my dd until she was 3 years old but I never left her on the bed, once ty start rolling it’s not long before they are sitting/crawling and they can move pretty fast.

I don’t agree with your partner and his mother shouting at you but I do agree that you shouldn’t leave the baby on the bed alone. She needs to get used to being left in her cot whilst you do things, you can’t be with her all the time.

[SandyY2K]

You sound very defensive about this. I think you were both at fault tbh.

You insist on co sleeping, but it's not safe, which you refuse to accept.

I'm very safety conscious about these things, so I would have been annoyed if my DH did what you did and the baby came to harm.

It would have been better to wet yourself, than have the baby fall in all honesty.

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/

Accidents do happen, but some are avoidable. The pillows can actually make the fall worse.

The fall should have been a warning that your baby is more mobile, yet it doesn't look like you've adjusted to that...you keep on saying you don't have to explain yourself..no you don't to us, but your language in front of your MIL and the way you come across here isn't the best.

[WhereverIGoddamnLike]

*advice not advise

[PheasantPlucker1]

I think theres red flags around the DPs behaviour because it OP sleeping with baby. OPs job to sort what happens at night. OP was asked to put baby in the cot right then. OP is expected to put clothes away.

If her DP has an issue with the sleeping arrangements thats understandable, but from the posts he doesnt appear to be doing much parenting himself. OP, do you get much support from him?

[wewereliars]

This is not wonderful mothering, it is a clear failure to safeguard. Its fairly fundamental that you avoid situations which you know have already caused harm.

[WhatamessIgotinto]

I know shes safe, I'm not gonna explain it anymore.

She's not safe and you're not being 'heavily misunderstood' at all.

Your baby fell off the bed ONCE you say? That's once too many and no, it doesn't always happen. It happened because you left her and she's mobile.

[PheasantPlucker1]

Im shocked at this thread.

Suggesting someone wet the bed. Seriously? Babies rolling off the bed.... it happens. Its not great but it happens. Baby is fine.

Calling it a "failure to safeguard" is hysterical.

[Shizzlestix]

You know she’s safe yet she fell off the bed? Ok, then. You sound about 12.

[conduitoffortune]

@StressyMcstresserson


conduitoffortune
If I had a baby with a partner who allowed them to roll off the bed and then told me to shut the fuck up when I raised it, they would no longer be my partner.
Oh shut the fuck up. I can see the perfect parent police are about.

Oh, you mean the sort of parent who doesn't want to be told to shut the fuck up by their partner whenever they talk about preventing their kid rolling off the bed again?

[AnneOfQueenSables]

DS fell off the bed once when DH was watching him. I also co-slept. So I'm not coming from a superior place or an uncaring one. We're not the enemy here OP. But co-sleeping doesn't mean leaving a baby alone even if it's just until you go to the toilet. If you go to the toilet, you need to take baby down with you or you need to put her into a cot. Being a mum is a constant learning experience and it's fine to acknowledge mistakes, learn from them and change what you do. In fact, it's pretty essential.

[MrsBrunch]

@PheasantPlucker1

Im shocked at this thread.

Suggesting someone wet the bed. Seriously? Babies rolling off the bed.... it happens. Its not great but it happens. Baby is fine.

Calling it a "failure to safeguard" is hysterical.

Failure to safeguard just means failing to do everything you can to prevent unnecessary accidents. No need to get het up about it, it's just basic common sense really.

[WhereverIGoddamnLike]

@PheasantPlucker1

Baby is fine this time. But the problem is that the OP believes this will never happen again, and she does not need to take any action to secure the bed.

Add bed guards. Or use a cot. For just never ever leave the baby alone on the bed. She isnt prepared to do any of that because it's never going to happen again.... because she watched on a monitor when she leaves the room. Like that will help.

That's the problem. Not the one time that it happened, but the many more times it could happen due to reckless behaviour and her refusal to change that behaviour.

[ivfbeenbusy]

You swore at your partner in-front of his mother - I'm not surprised he reacted. Your behaviour is a bit rude and confrontational. Accident so happen yes - most of us have been change our when our babies suddenly display a propensity to move or roll. But Either put the baby in a cot or put a bouncy chair in the bathroom so you can take her with you when you need to go? As for the wardrobe - takes 30 minutes now it's up to hang the clothes up. He threw a sock at you so please don't play that up like he's abusive

[2bazookas]

Now your baby can roll over 5 times, she is NOT safe to be left alone on a bed. Surrounding her with a wall of pillows is also dangerous; she could roll her face into one and suffocate. The baby monitor is not enough.

Once they become mobile, even if its only rolling over, babies can get into all sorts of mischief and danger very fast. You have to adjust your safety precautions with each new stage of development.

[Therealjudgejudy]

You sound very immature. Why not put your baby in a cot if it means she is safe?? Your attitude is completely bizarre.

Also my partner would never speak to me the way you spoke to yours. Very disrespectful.

[WhereverIGoddamnLike]

I think the sock thing is a total red herring. He threw one at his mum too and the OP said they were having a laugh. He didnt launch a sock at her in an abusive or violent rage. He was having a laugh with his mum and the OP.
Has no one ever chucked a pillow at someone when messing around?

[JacobReesMogadishu]

If you were concerned about the safety of your child due to your partners actions and he told you to fuck off how would you feel?

[PheasantPlucker1]

Wherever I always used bed guards. For DC that hate cots, theyre brilliant. I suggested that earlier, so Im not saying OP should carry on as usual.

I just think is sounds like she also has huge problems with an unsupportive amd judgemental DP and MIL so hundreds of people shouting judgement at her isnt going to help.