17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

Oh that’s easy!

“Well... I dare say it’s just like him sulking for 2 days... a ploy.

If Mental Health is something you care about, perhaps spare a thought about that of my kids when he’d taken no more than 2 minutes to tell them he didn’t live their mum any more and was leaving...

Til then oh flying monkey dearest, spare me. don’t come knocking on my door looking for sympathy for him.

Where is your sympathy for my kids? Or for me? The person he dumped after 17 years and without any warning too.”

@WTFis2020

Guys the mental health card is now being played by family and friends ‘he’s just not right’ How do I not look like the heartless bitch in this? X

Why is his mental health more important than his kids? That’s how you play that one. Because it’s true.

There’s no chance of reconciliation and him coming home until his mental health issues (whatever they are) are treated and improved so that the children’s well-being is firmly centred and they aren’t expected to sacrifice their mental health at the expense of his.

He did a total number on them when he left the way he did and YOU’RE the one who’s dealing with the fallout. He doesn’t get to whinge to family and friends about his mental health when the bomb he set off for his children has potentially caused long-running (and still unknown) MH impacts for them that he’s refusing to recognise or take ownership for.

How do you not look like a heartless bitch?

You won’t. Not if you turn it back on him.

He hurt the kids, he hurt me, he’s lying, he’s trying to take family money. He’s broken our trust and not once has he taken any responsibility for anything

He’s not said he’s sorry

He’s still not telling the truth and tbh, even if he did, I’d not believe him just like that.

“Yeah you’re right ‘he’s just not right’ at all. He can take a look in the mirror to confirm that.

I would say, after 17 years of marriage I would of presumed he might have talked to his wife BEFORE walking out, claiming "he's done", told the children we are over, took out a 25k Lian without discussing it. It clearly wasn't the marriage I assumed it was. But hopefully we can all move forward and do what is best for the children right now. Which is stability and calmness so for the time being it's best for all of he heals elsewhere."

Something along those lines.

You are NOT the heartless one.

The other option is to say, well whatever you’re hearing, it’s not the truth of the matter, so I’m simply not going to discuss this at all with you or anyone else.

@WTFis2020

Guys the mental health card is now being played by family and friends ‘he’s just not right’ How do I not look like the heartless bitch in this? X

Remind them about the impact his actions have had on your mental health and more importantly your children.

They are your priority and whilst he still refuses to offer any legitimate explanation for his actions or even demonstrate any meaningful remorse, then you can't risk damaging the children's mental health further by living with a father who might pull the same stunt again.

If/when he starts to put the welfare of the children first by engaging in some therapy to address his mental health and is in a place to be a good and consistent father then there might be the opportunity to explore how your marriage might be salvaged.

OP,

You can choose not to take this attempt to guilt you🙄.

How dare they.

He skipped out the door having not spoken to any of ye for two days saying he was done.

How about the mental health of his children.

I would be so pissed off with anyone advocating on his behave.

Selfish fxxker.

He could die screaming for all I would care if he did that to my children.

OP, you owe these people nothing.

He left you.
He lift his children.

You owe him nothing.

Keep reminding yourself of the manner in which he told both your children and yourself.

So he isn’t getting the response he wants so now the flying monkeys are coming to get ‘you’ to support him through his crisis. Funny it wasn’t mentioned before. You need to focus on your own mental health and that of your DC. He still isn’t communicating with you and all he is doing is talking to your support network to get them onside .

@WTFis2020

Guys the mental health card is now being played by family and friends ‘he’s just not right’ How do I not look like the heartless bitch in this? X

"What is he doing about it? Has he seen a GP?"

The answer of course will be that he has done nothing.

"I cannot help him if he is not prepared to help himself."

Really, could he be any more pathetic?

What a twat!

I rarely post, OP, but have been watching this thread. I'm in awe of you.

Keep on keeping on. You're doing fine

He’s neatly used all his cards hasn’t he.... what a total fool..... get ready OP to hear he’s suicidal .... then he really has pulled his last card if he sinks that low! How could you ever have an ounce of respect for him ever again 🤷‍♀️

Sending you more hugs OP 🤗🤗xx

If he has mental health issues how are they being addressed? What is he doing to help himself? Why is it your problem?

My daughter has serious mental health issues. I paid for her to see a private psychologist as the NHS waiting times are unbelievable. Perhaps he could use his £25k loan to finance some therapy for himself and his wife and children who’s lives he shattered without a second thought.

It's a shame family and friends don't care how the children have been impacted in all this. Their thoughts must be racing whilst people run around over a stupid man who was prepared to dump everybody and everything, and is now whining probably because his other option has fallen through so, he's stuck.

It's the children who are paramount here. Not him.

I agree, his next card will be that he is having some kind of breakdown. Then it will be the veiled suicide threat.

I know someone who did this when his wife said she was leaving him . He even went to his GP who believed him and had him admitted to a psychiatric hospital. That was a shock for him.

Of course they discharged him very quickly when they realised he was faking it.

OP - his family aren’t the slightest bit interested in your feelings or the children’s welfare . They are interested in making their own lives easier and it’s easier for them when he’s living with you and you are looking him and catering to his every need.

Nothing you say to them will persuade them that he’s the bad guy here. Whatever you say to them he will twist it around - you know how manipulative he is.

I’d stick to what PP said - If he is ill then I’m sure his family will take him to the doctor and how fortunate he is to have such a loving and close family to look after him. You have your hands full with two traumatised children that he abandoned.

And yes, say that whatever they have been told it’s not the full story - I’m sure they will agree there’s two sides to every story ( and all these other useful cliches).

Don’t try to persuade them of your side of things - it will be used against you. I know it’s not fair but that’s how it is.

Anyway you need to limit your contact with HIS friends and family, for your own mental health.

You have enough to do - deal with your own friends for support, those you can trust .

His behaviour makes it very easy to not have him back. He doesn't get it...and that makes him an unsafe partner.

He is grovelling now. Almost making out that I took it too seriously. He can’t understand why he can’t apologise and just come back

Did he actually say he doesn't understand why he can't come back after apologising or have you taken this from his behaviour?

His plan backfired...he wanted you to be the one grovelling and promising to change to meet his every need...keeping you on the backfoot.
Then by doing that you wouldn't be able to challenge him again..like you did with the phone for fear that he'd leave again because you begged him to come back the last time.

Your resolve..probably out of shock meant you did none of the above and he suddenly thinks...oh no..."I've fuck*d up...she's standing strong and I look like an idiot"

It's not like he has a tangeable reason to call time on it...the relationship with one of his DCs is suffering and suddenly the future doesn't look so bright.

@S00LA

Absolutely right.

OP,

Your reply is "if he has MH problems, it's great he's with his family who can support him. As for ME, I'm busy trying to pick up the pieces of the devastation he left behind...eh ...you do recall how he walked out on his children after a two minute 'I'm done' statement.
I'm focusing on looking after our children. They need ONE parent to put them first".

OP, be ready and practice with responses, don't be caught on the hop by any flying mo keys.

See them off with a flea in their ear.🤨

I still don't see how you can take him back, even if you wanted to, without some kind of proper explanation or apology. Without that there's nothing to rebuild.

You could take all the emotion out of any reply to the flying monkeys

"It's good for him that you have noticed. I'm swamped trying to keep the kids on an even keel. His rather swift 'I'm leaving' speech has left them devastated."

Great draft messages from @billy1966 and @CuriousaboutSamphire.

agree - if his mental health is so bad that it made him walk out on his wife and children without even a backward glance - although stopping briefly to actually inform the kids, then its probably better that he stays away until he has sorted it out with support and therapy, because simply coming home isnt going to fix problems that are obviously so massive that they would make him do that.

so its lucky he is away. And you can focus on the kids, and help them get straight. Because having a dad around who is going through a crisis, and who may or may not walk out again, is no good for them. They need continuity, constant unwavering love, and stability.

And he needs to go elsewhere and get his supposed shit together.

And similarly if he is 'suicidal' YOU are not the person to fix that - he needs professional help. You are not his sticking plaster and you are not his therapist. And you have your own problems, thanks to him, to deal with.

And STILL no addressing of the original problem.

Agreed, just bat it back at them,
"If he is having an "break down" he needs to get help from a professional."
You could add, "I am sure you don't think it's a wise decision to upset the dc further if he is unwell.unhinged ?"
Alternatively, just say:
You do know this is a load of bollox ? 😬

Well if he does have mental health issues and this resulted in him having a breakdown and dumping you and the dc, he needs to address these mental health issues before he can even start to think about coming back.

You can't have him back, living with you and the dc and risk him having another breakdown

Worst case if he came back... you can guarantee that he would engineer it so he could leave again making you look like the baddie for ever

"yes, Ive been waiting for that - it is all part of the script. Next it will be the suicidal thoughts, then the total blaming of me game. But, for now, I am focusing on the REAL victims in this and their mental health - the children" that I bet they havent asked about