17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

Are you serious op.

Do not entertain that you are in anyway to blame for his selfish behaviour.
You still do not have the real reason why he decided to make his bomb shell announcement, and his family and friends don,t know either!

I would be very wary of him at the moment, even if you decided to invite him back he seems so unpredictable as to change his mind again, adding insult to injury.

He's a loose cannon, protect yourself and your children and do not feel pressurized by family or friends.

I would want a better explanation for his behaviour before I entertained speaking to him again.

Remember this man humiliated you and broke his childrens hearts in order to get that space....

There is a reson behind this

REASON

Better that he stays with his mum then. You have two children who the family know need their mum now, after all the upset. They're struggling. They can't deal with their dad being unstable. Possibly unsafe.

Yup, I think he knows that the longer this goes on, (this being you not believing his weak platitudes and feeble attempts to get you to stfu and take him back already) the more likely he will HAVE to come clean to the world at large about why he flushed his wife and kids in such a cruel and cavalier manner

OP,
If he tries to pressure you with threats of suicide, tell him or any flying monkeys that you will be straight on to the police to do a welfare check.

Let him and them deal with it.

He no longer lives with you.

There is also the problem that when men return from these absences for whatever reason they left, other woman, power struggle in the relationship etc, they usually come back and feel defeated in one way or another.

There is far more chance of resentment brewing up again on his part even when they are in the wrong.

Do you want that?
Could you put up with him being such a self entilted shit after what he's done.

Think some more abou how that would feel like every day.

Oh god, OP. There comes a time where you need to stop.caring what friends and family think and put your DC first. They can't think this is something that men do which is acceptable. You are teaching them that they can't treat women like toys. You're amazing!

Ignore that I just said.

If Mental Health is something you care about, perhaps spare a thought about that of my kids when he’d taken no more than 2 minutes to tell them he didn’t live their mum any more and was leaving...

^^ this is everything

OP, my XH tried to play the 'midlife crisis' card.
It turned out to be the 'trying to shag the help (in those days we had money) and not get found out' card.
God knows what he told his mother, but after we had a failed reconciliation (at my instigation - dear God I was a fool), his mother had the nerve to say to me 'I don't think he's taken anything' when I phoned to see if he was ok.
She also put it around that I was the one having an affair....

He will garner all of the sympathy he can.
Remember his shame is not yours - it was very liberating for me when I finally realised that. It took me a long time, but I got there.
Rise above any comments, and cut those people making negative comments off if you need to - and don't be afraid to tell them you're doing it because you want to shelter your dc from all of this.
No-one is perfect, but you are not the one at fault here.
Have you told friends and family what's happened? If you haven't, please do. I hope they rally around you and give you some support.
What a shit he is - playing kind games, changing tack and doing everything he can tiles with your head.
Stand strong.

'Mind games'

Oh, arse....
'To mess with your head'.

OP

It matters not what his family and friends think. You don't have to engage with them if you choose not to - otherwise just tell them it's a private matter between you and him, and your children's well being is your sole focus right now.

"Mental health is not an excuse for shitty behaviour."

Repeat as needed.

If you are feeling generous, you can add, "If he has genuine mental health problems and seeks help, then perhaps we can talk. But I cannot risk him hurting the children again, nor me."

Friends/family starting now to talk about the impact on his mental health is emotional manipulation driven by him. If he/they are concerned then he needs to follow up with his GP. It is also concerning that omce again it's all about him (victim) and there doesn't seem to be any genuine concern for your ongoing welfare.

As others have mentioned, this is completely predictable. My exh did exactly this and then upped the ante a week or so later with a suicide threat. If that happens, do not engage (his desired outcome) and call the Police to his address as they are best placed to respond to imminent threats to safety. Either a) he's serious and they can keep him safe or b) he's manipulative and willing to do that to control you and serve his agenda. If 'b' and police turn up, he's unlikely to try that crap again. Most the times it is indeed option b in these incidences.

@Dery

Great draft messages from *@billy1966 and @CuriousaboutSamphire*.

100% seconded. Repeat WTF, and keep repeating as practice.

How dare they. Where's the thought for your MH and your DC's? They too expect you to buckle and do the weeping come back to me dance.

I've just come to this thread. Only read OP comments.

I have to say that a few years' back, I would have been on the side of 'you can't risk him hurting you and the kids any more / it's unreasonable and crazy to expect you to have him back.'

But now I think differently. As a result of what's happened in my life.

You were at a stable point and everything seemed fair on the horizon. Then suddenly, completely out of the blue, a massive wave hits you and shocks you practically out of the water.

The tricky thing here is that he was the force behind the impact. Him, or, at least, his mental state.

Look at two things:

Setting aside the hurt and outrage for a moment (...), what situation would give the most certain happiness, opportunity, security and a good life for you all? Presumably if he was back and normal and all this had never happened?

You've been together for nearly 20 years, adding a bit of time pre-marriage. If you had a mental breakdown, however messy and dirty and painful that it was, would you expect him to give you the benefit of the doubt and see you through it?

Sometimes something crazy happens. I've observed that the male process of midlife crisis can be catastrophic. But weirdly after a bit of time they seem to calm down and wish they were home. And they want everyone to forget about it.

It's up to you, of course.

But given all the good at play here, and the uncertainty of life without the family unit, for you as much as the kids, I personally would want to take him to the gp and see where that leads.

As you (not unhinged like him) have very rightly felt, there is a huge amount of the most precious elements of your life at stake here. And this 'blip' seemed to have no reason to it.

Incidentally, I've known at least five women go through something roughly similar (although always involving at least 'chat' with an OW), and them packing bin bags and him living in a hotel or flat, and then I've been astonished when a few months' later they're all calm and he's back in the fold and it's better than before, he's on parole and much chastised and grateful, and their life goes on and they go to their kids' graduation ceremonies and weddings and have a warm body next to them at night and someone to put the rubbish out.

And you don't have the clear attack of an OW in this mix, which is pretty good, I can tell you.

I would welcome a medical opinion on his bonkers behaviour, and would be wheeling that bugger down to the gp. Or for a virtual consultation ...

I think there's too much at stake. Having been on the other side and lost my whole base, I'd say keep your base. Which includes him. Women do, and it can and does work out.

That is my very possibly non MN-PC, but practical, advice. From experience.

Lunalula makes some good points here and talks a lot of sense. But GP visit is a must.

A dignified silence might be the easiest way to go op. A cryptic 'He knows what he needs to do' keeps it private and puts the responsibility firmly where it belongs.

Rise above it, hold your head up high and carry on prioritising what is best for you and the children.

You asked for space. You asked for time. You are entitled to both.

By the way, keep lining up those ducks. Get legal and financial advice.

Be prepared for the next assault, keep one step ahead of him. For example, he might just move back in anyway.

Remember to eat, talk to trusted friends, do something silly with the children. Put music on and dance with them. Don't let the buggers drag you down.

Please read Lunalulu's measured suggestions

Lulu seems to be advocating a scenario where op just exists for the sake of the bins going out

That’s not the relationship I have nor one id ever want.

And think of the message it sends to the children

Not good at all tbh

It's not measured! @lunalulu can give her take same as the rest of us but i think she has it wrong to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is having a mental health episode that he deserves to be supported through.

Even if there was no other woman, he had disconnected from communication with op so he could be on his phone all day. He got ANGRY when op basically asked him to reconnect and be present in the family. He hoped that'd be enough to make her back down and leave him be on his phone. But when she knew she deserved more he stormed off. Worse, he told the kids. He told his own mother he didnt love op. He tried to borrow 25k.

To say that the OP might owe it to him to support him through his mental health crisis is not "measured".

What is the meantal health crisis exactly? Would it be solved quite quicckly by getting his own way? And being left alone to flirt/surf/chat online?

I reckon that would solve his mental health crisis.

I had a mental health crisis at 29. I felt so utterly utterly worthless that i made no demands or requests of anybody. I felt 'why would anybody go out of their way to help me?'. I didnt try to throw anybody over a barrel by using my mental health as a bargaining chip.

So @onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad giving in and pushing your standard underground because you are married is not "measured".

There is nothing preventing the op's husband from communicsting honestly. But he isnt doing that.

Flowers and a mental health crisis 👏👏 the script reaches the conclusion of its first half.

@MzHz

Lulu seems to be advocating a scenario where op just exists for the sake of the bins going out

That’s not the relationship I have nor one id ever want.

Yes! So much more succinctly put 🍷

Indeed. The flying monkeys and the mental health crisis.

Sounds like a band.

And now, to be clear, OP's husband is summonsing her to acquiesce back in to the "relationship" while denying her any honesty, communication or connection.

This is actually very text book too.

They want to be married. They want to live in the family house. But honesty, discussion, tears, compromise, connection??? Oh no.. just "respect my right to disconnect from you"