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Original poster

17 years and my husband has walked out

999 replies

WTFis2020 · 21/10/2020 05:39

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

OP posts:
OwlOne · 09/11/2020 20:31

Or justva flirtation. Whe @WTFis2020 was asking him to be on his phone less and connect with the family, he got frustrated that he wasnt free to sit there in his phone 24/7
He got angry that @WTFis2020 felt she had the right to ask him to put down his phone and be present.

So could be just a flirtation and he was so angry that he wasnt free to indulge it. He thought "ill show her" and stormed out. But it did not pan out as he thought.

Coffeeandcocopops · 09/11/2020 20:37

OP you don’t have to do anything at this stage. I took five years before I started divorce proceedings. My ex H did continue to pay mtnce and contribute towards the mortgage during that period. I just took my time and looked after myself and the kids first.

Haffdonga · 09/11/2020 20:39

WTF, I know that you desperately want to know if there is an OW just to understand wtf has happened to your marriage. But actually I'd say it isn't really relevant. Your H has already shown you he is not the person you thought he was, that you can't trust him and that he's prepared to cause incredible hurt and pain to your dcs for his own selfish reasons - Whatever they are, OW or not.

Why he's suddenly started behaving like this whether it's an OW, midlife crisis, mental health breakdown, long term relationship issues or whatever. actually won't make any difference in the long run to you.

Don't torture yourself about the existence or not of an OW. What matters is you and your future.

SunshineCake · 09/11/2020 21:00

@Sunshineandflipflops

My kids were a similar age op, it was heartbreaking seeing what they went through and being to one to dry their tears when I had an ocean of my own to dry. They asked me questions I just didn't know the answers to.

It does sound like he's made it pretty final so I would press ahead with getting things sorted. Whether that's seeing a solicitor or telling him what you expect of him in terms of money/care for the kids.

My ex moved in with his mum to start with (thankfully not with the ow) and I told him he needed to find somewhere asap where he could have the kids overnight. We were in a fortunate position of us both working in decent jobs so he could rent somewhere suitable while I stayed in the house with the kids. Three years later this is still the case and although I did go and see a solicitor immediately after, we haven't done anything legal as yet (not even a divorce).
I know others wouldn't recommend what I have done but it works for me and my kids so that's all that matters. I'll cross divorce when it comes to it as I have no intention of re-marrying so it's not a big issue for me right now. We are only married on paper.

Except he still has all the rights as your husband. Next of kin for medical stuff, inheritance should you die, etc.
longcoffeebreak · 09/11/2020 21:50

Is it not possible he has been stressed and has just had a bit of a meltdown? He doesn't sound that bad to me.

MzHz · 09/11/2020 22:13

@longcoffeebreak

Is it not possible he has been stressed and has just had a bit of a meltdown? He doesn't sound that bad to me.
This is a joke, right? Grin

Seriously nobody watches someone break their kids hearts and say, ahhh poor man...

longcoffeebreak · 09/11/2020 22:19

@MzHz
I wasn't saying his behavior has been ok - I was just asking the question about his stress levels (irrespective of whether he is a man or woman) as COVID has put lots of people under extreme stress.
If there doesn't appear to be someone else and he has otherwise been stable it is a possibility - not saying I'm right though.

footprintsintheslow · 09/11/2020 22:26

I still think that you put him on the spot and ask him to unlock his phone. He's not living at the family home and could have anything on there. I doubt he deletes as he goes whilst being away from home. He could be lulled into a false sense of confidence. I just think it's worth a try.

SunshineCake · 09/11/2020 22:31

He is an embarrassment whereas you are epic @WTFis2020.

MzHz · 09/11/2020 23:08

[quote longcoffeebreak]@MzHz
I wasn't saying his behavior has been ok - I was just asking the question about his stress levels (irrespective of whether he is a man or woman) as COVID has put lots of people under extreme stress.
If there doesn't appear to be someone else and he has otherwise been stable it is a possibility - not saying I'm right though.[/quote]
Understood

But even in your darkest hour would you tell your kids you’re leaving? “It’s done” etc

No. Some bells can’t be unrung.

Overseasmom100 · 09/11/2020 23:11

I also feel...gut feeling..OW somewhere li gering. May even be an emotional affair of some sort as you dont do what he dis our of the blue.

Also The Script does include... minimalising what happened making him the victim

Orkneys · 10/11/2020 00:10

@WTFis2020

Call me naive but I don’t think there is another woman now 🙈🙈.
Oh dear Hmm you've talked yourself round
Needhelp101 · 10/11/2020 00:32

@WTFis2020, you have been so incredibly strong. I really, really urge you to go to the Chumplady website and read her book.

A previous poster's advice to give yourself a month of breathing space is a good one.

For what it's worth, my ex and I, 3 years down the line, co-parent really well. We still help each other out if need be. But, as much as a cheating arse as he was, he would NEVER have just walked out on his children as yours did. I actually find that really shocking.

Sending strength Wine

Needhelp101 · 10/11/2020 00:34

Oh and we're still not divorced. Will be at one stage but no rush. But I did get legal advice very early on.

WhenPushComesToShove · 10/11/2020 01:51

Stay in limbo for as long as you need. You are calling the shots now. I'm in awe of you OP

DeeCeeCherry · 10/11/2020 05:05

Do I make arrangements for him seeing the kids or do I leave it up to him to sort a schedule? Would this then look like I had finalised the break? Is that what he is waiting on? This new man that he has become sounds too stupid to think of the practical stuff

You've had a shock but you need to listen to pp's here - Your 1st priority is you & DCs and sorting out financial affairs for yours and their sake. That's what matters now.

He's told your children so, he's already finalised the break. If he wanted to salvage things with you he'd not have told them.

Never underestimate the power of another woman in his ear, goading him to be as mean and difficult as possible.

Don't be like my cousin - 29 years together, husband walked out in September and the following month, drained the bank accounts. She was left with £9.

This is a man who'd been loving and caring for years, until he had his head turned. Family and friends couldn't believe it. But the fact is, he did it.

Sorry it's happened to you. But sort out your priorities don't worry about making things easy for him as he goes off into his shiny new sunset. What he's done is callous. Thats who he is.

HappyHoppyHippo · 10/11/2020 05:15

He is so selfish OP. He can't understand why he can't apologise and move on from this bomb he dropped?! WTF.

You're doing so well OP

MrsBrunch · 10/11/2020 07:07

I get the feeling that this is a man who is used to having his own way. You say you had the 'perfect world, no arguments' but was this just because you always put him first?

I think he left to punish you because for once you challenged him and he callously used the children as pawns in his grand flounce. He did it because he knew it would really hurt you and teach you a lesson. It's really shocking that he could do that isn't it.

REignbow · 10/11/2020 07:30

@MrsBrunch

I get the feeling that this is a man who is used to having his own way. You say you had the 'perfect world, no arguments' but was this just because you always put him first?

I think he left to punish you because for once you challenged him and he callously used the children as pawns in his grand flounce. He did it because he knew it would really hurt you and teach you a lesson. It's really shocking that he could do that isn't it.

^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^
carolebaskinfedhimtothetigers · 10/11/2020 07:35

@MrsBrunch

I get the feeling that this is a man who is used to having his own way. You say you had the 'perfect world, no arguments' but was this just because you always put him first?

I think he left to punish you because for once you challenged him and he callously used the children as pawns in his grand flounce. He did it because he knew it would really hurt you and teach you a lesson. It's really shocking that he could do that isn't it.

This with bells on
Original poster
WTFis2020 · 10/11/2020 07:37

@MrsBrunch @REignbow my thoughts exactly!!

Still horrific isn’t it?! Even with no OW or other explanation. #TrueColours xx

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 10/11/2020 08:03

Do you know what OP - I think it's good that he's playing it this way.

If he had been contrite, apologetic, remorseful, begging you for forgiveness etc it would be a lot harder to say fuck off you waste of space.

However look at his true colours, he is certainly showing them to you.

Sexnotgender · 10/11/2020 10:33

@WTFis2020

Remaining strong. He is grovelling now. Almost making out that I took it too seriously. He can’t understand why he can’t apologise and just come back.
You took it too seriously? Is he for fucking real?!

He LEFT you and shattered your children’s lives.

How old should you have taken it?

Look at how he’s making it your fault when you have done nothing wrong.

If this was ever to work he needs to 100% take responsibility for the fact this was all HIS doing.

Original poster
WTFis2020 · 10/11/2020 18:12

Guys the mental health card is now being played by family and friends ‘he’s just not right’
How do I not look like the heartless bitch in this? X

OP posts:
OwlOne · 10/11/2020 18:16

I think the only thing that people find it hard to argue with (the romantic souls) is a lack of love.

Remind people indirectly "when he left and told his mother he didnt love me, the trust went and i need to have to trust to love".

It is the ONE thing people cant argue with.

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