17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

How're you feeling in yourself though @WTFis2020? Do you think there is a way to come back from this? Other woman or not?

I feel like things could never be the same. Any small argument and I’d feel paranoid that he would walk out. Staying or leaving, I think I will be sad.
But everyone keeps saying 17 years is a lot to throw away without giving it a chance - I just don’t think I’m ready for that chance yet. I’d rather remain in this limbo state.

I don't think there is any question there was another women or that his head wasn't significantly turned. I would expect that is no longer the case though as they obviously ran like a scaled cat when he made his intentions clear by leaving you.
Many people do come back from this but not without complete openness and transparency on his side. Why did he leave, why did he tell the children if he wasn't absolutely sure it was over, why did he say to his mother that he no longer loved you
If he can't give real answers to these questions and explain why things have changed I just can't imagine it not happening again, in a year or two, maybe longer when you are older and in a worse position

Op it isn’t you who threw it away without a chance, it was him, and in a very cold, callous way, as a reaction to you challenging him on his dodgy behaviour. Please don’t blame yourself or feel like it is you who is throwing it away.

I agree with pps that relationships can be rebuilt but both parties have to really want it and be prepared to work at it, be honest and acknowledge their behaviour. He is just minimising what he did and doesn’t get it so it’s a bad place to start from.

he still hasnt said why 'its done' and he dumped his children as well as you like that....

what has he actually done that would make you want to take him back....?

It sounds like it feels rash to you and you are getting lots of 'opinions' from others...

maybe he stays where he is but you have relationship counselling to see if there is a way back...? .

it wouldnt work for me I dont think as I wouldnt want that thought always in my mind and also the lack of respect and remorse he has not shown.... so I coudnt get over that !

I agree

The not addressing the very first problem - the reason for his behaviour that led to the questioning, which lead to the accusations, which led to the 'It's Done' has still not been answered.

Until that is adressed, nobody is going anywhere.

And as for minimising it and saying YOU over reacted, when HE is the one who called it a day, informed your children it was over, and stormed out, telling anyone who would listen that he didnt love you any more??

Id like to say unbelievable, but its following the script so faithfully that Im sure many here who have been round the block will be able to accurately predict next move.

Im guessing angry, because we've had nice (flowers), and we've had grovelling. We have anger, threats, promising to change, and self-pity/serious illness/suicide threats to go for the full bingo card.

17 years is a lot to throw away without giving it a chance

He did just that. He broke his kids hearts, twat.

@WTFis2020

I feel like things could never be the same. Any small argument and I’d feel paranoid that he would walk out. Staying or leaving, I think I will be sad. But everyone keeps saying 17 years is a lot to throw away without giving it a chance - I just don’t think I’m ready for that chance yet. I’d rather remain in this limbo state.

I really think this is important. 17 years is a long time. Especially as they were, broadly, happy years. Absolutely. And you want to be sure before you say it's definitively over. And you certainly don't have to rush into things.

But... "Any small argument and I'd feel paranoid that he would walk out." is absolutely 100% on the money and THIS is what needs to be addressed. He needs to understand that he has set this absolutely crazy precedent that is not going to be easy for you or the DC to recover from. He broke your (you and the kids') trust. It's not as simple as saying, "sorry".

DH was being a real obnoxious pain to me today. He apologised. We moved on. But that is completely and totally different to him breaking my heart, breaking the kids' hearts, storming off then thinking that a simple, "I'm sorry" will fix it.

I feel like things could never be the same. Any small argument and I’d feel paranoid that he would walk out.
I totally understand this.

But everyone keeps saying 17 years is a lot to throw away without giving it a chance - I just don’t think I’m ready for that chance

You're perfectly entitled to not be ready and it's not everyone in your marriage, so as muchas you may listen..... it's your call.

If it ends, you didn't end it. He did when he declared his feelings and told the kids he was leaving.

Could you stall matters by suggesting couples’ counselling? If that’s what you want.

Does he understand where you’re coming from? He’s not given any kind of explanation for what he did. Does he realise that you can’t trust him not to do it again?

Sorry is very far from being enough. He needs to make serious amends. And I don’t mean flowers and chocolates. That’s lazy and easy. He needs to break it down for you: why he did this - if there was another woman - why he will never do it again. He needs to spend serious time and trouble earning your trust again. He smashed your relationship up and stomped on your heart. He has to work extremely hard for an extended period to help you over that and even then you may not be able to get over it.

Omg OP have just read all of this and can't believe what a callous thing he has done! Have you read back over this thread? Your posts in the beginning are heart wrenching.

I agree with pps that maybe counselling is a good idea - but I think you should continue divorce proceedings even if you decide to go to counselling, keep the ball rolling and things moving as you've set them off. Tbh I do understand that 17 years of happy marriage is worth a lot (google 'sunk cost fallacy'?) but this is devastating and for weeks he just said 'it's done' and that he didn't love you and he even told the kids. If you let him come back from this, you are letting him know that he can get away with this stuff. If you go through a process of counselling and see him putting in a huge amount of effort to heal this, then maybe that will be different. But for now, it doesn't sound like he's done anything substantial other than apologise. I'd wonder if his OW ran a mile and he realised he'd lost everything for nothing. But anyway, he would have to start with at least being totally honest with you.

Take your time, you don't have to make any decision in a hurry.
If he comes back, how can he guarantee the same thing won't happen again?
It's possible there is no OW now but again there is no guarantee she won't reappear when he is back to his old life.
You need acvountability, honesty and transparency from him to even onsider working on marriage.

Yeah I would take as long as you need right now! 17 years is a long time, but I think I would feel like you, that if he came back I’d be on edge about him walking out again and life is too short for that.

Hard though. Really take as much time as you need I think, don’t be pressured into make a decision because of Xmas or whatever. He did something very serious and you deserve the mental space to consider all your options

Has he explained what the 25k loan was really for?!

In every update I never hear an explanation as to why he did it? Why did he say he was done, doesnt love you and tell the kids he was off?

He seems to be avoiding the big issue and then minimising what he did by suggesting 'you' shouldnt have taken it seriously. How is he going o explain himself to the DC? Him thinking he can apologise without any explanation and skip back home is outrageous. Sadly I do worry his primary concern is finances and how a divorce would impact on him.

Oh OP this thread has broke my heart I can’t even imagine how you feel.

Please keep in mind that the person you’re grieving over is not the person you’re considering getting back with. The person you’re grieving over is not the type of person that would leave his family. The person you may let back into your life is.

Don’t let the people around you sway your opinion - it is not you who may “throw away” 17 years it was him. He’s already done this the past cannot be changed now.

I know you feel there isn’t an OW now but from an outsider I wonder if there was - and she’s now ran terrified he actually has left the family home. He’s now returning to his option. Remember, more often than not the simplest answer is the correct one.

If you’re truly unsure, put a date in your head. Say one month from today if you’re still unsure you then review your options. You do not tell him about this date. To him, you are strictly no going back and you are poised, collected, and calm.

Having this date will make it feel less final in the short term and prevent any rash decisions. Having this date gives you space to think without giving an inch to what your final decision may be. If you decide to get back then he’s rightfully suffered longer, and knows he can’t do this even again. If you decide not to get back you’ll look back and appreciate the time you never gave in, even when you wanted to more than ever. Time is the biggest healer I promise, good luck

There is definitely something fishy going on. There is something he's not telling you. Whether it's an affair, debt, prostitution, drugs, gambling, whatever, there is a reason that he walked out like that.

It's an extreme action and to try and come back into a relationship with you without any kind of explanation is raising massive red flags. That's gaslighting for a start and goodness knows what his intentions are.

You cannot trust him, that's clear. Go at your own pace. Tell him to leave you alone and only communicate about the children through one agreed channel.

You need time and space to decide how you feel. Tell him that. Tell him that if you want to know more you'll be in touch but if not, he is to leave you alone for as long as it takes.

You think he'll respect your wishes enough to do that? Like hell he will. I don't know the man but his actions are all saying that he wants to keep calling the shots.

Remember dear @WTFis2020 that you didn’t do this.

You didn’t say it’s done
You didn’t sit the kids down and tell them you were leaving them (cos that’s what they heard)

You didn’t give anyone the silent treatment for 2 days

There may not be an OW now, but there was the whiff of one and you know that if/when another comes along he’ll dump you lot again in a heartbeat

Having done it once, it’ll be a lot easier to do it again and again

You know you’ll never trust him again.

He’s beyond contempt

You will have seen In the script that blokes almost never ever ever even think of leaving a wife of any duration unless there is a soft place to fall....

@WTFis2020

Remaining strong. He is grovelling now. Almost making out that I took it too seriously. He can’t understand why he can’t apologise and just come back.

YOU took it too seriously, him taking two minutes to tell your children he's dropping a bomb in the middle of your children's childhood.

He's a selfish prick.

He would NEVER get the chance to do that to my children again.

Prick.

It's all very well people judging you personally for allegedly throwing 17yrs away

But you haven't actually done anything, you never walked out told the kids
He doesn't live mummy anymore bla bla

Everyone telling you about the 17 yrs doesn't have to live with the fuck wit
Would they be able to excuse this then ? Are you being told by them now to put up and shut up as well.

What a load of old bollox, this isn't a blip, this was well thought out over some time, except you weren't allowed in on the loop

His plan B hasn't materialised, it's gone tits up whatever he thought he was leaving you for. So now he's doing his own laundry and no home comforts, it's gonna a be a lonely cold Xmas for him isn't it? And he already knows that

He just wants you to shut up and forget he's fucked you and the kids over
Except he did, and it's happened, so he now gets to deal with the consequences of his big mouth, and probable roving eye and hands.

It is scary op, it's a shit time of the year as well to do this, but if you can get through the rest of this year and during a pandemic, you can get through anything .

Most have been there where you are now, it sucks but it's truly not the end of the world.

He's still expecting you to do the pick me dance. To beg and plead and grovel and cry for him to return.

Your Mum (unbelievably) expects you to do the same. It suits her better for you to be in a marriage (even if it's one that fills you with sadness and wariness).

He has had the biggest shock that you are behaving like this. That you are behaving with self-respect and worth. That you see and feel with every cell how he's destroyed your trust.

Minimise minimise minimise. That's his tactic now and should you refuse to engage, then you will be the one to have destroyed things.

What an utter twat. Horrible man.

Love you all for keeping me strong ❤️❤️

I will ear my hat if there wasn't an OW, she is probably married & has balked at the final hurdle, he was told she wasn't moving into the love nest with his 25k loan because she cant face hurting her DC. He has had to wind his neck in & go home.. but wait, wot? You havent rolled over & played the pick me dance.
But, who knows if the affair is completely over...?

I have said from the start, if he doesn't come clean, there can be no sticking this "broken plate" back together.
The explanation is the "glue."

I agree with Mix56. It didn't work out with OW and he's now left looking a twat living with his mum. He wants back the status of being a married man and dad. The status he so readily threw away, without a care for you and DC.