17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

@WTFis2020

Girls I just can’t stop crying 😭😭😭. When will this ever feel any better? 💔💔💔

It will be a while I'm afraid 😟.

It's a form of grief. For the future you thought you had, for the man you thought you married, worry for your children.

There will be days you feel strong and days you want to curl up in bed and sob your heart out.

But over time you'll have more better days and fewer bad ones. Then you'll find yourself actually having good days and more of them.

There's no sugar coating that it's a shitty time but you will get through it and you will be happy again.

That awful feeling where you suddenly feel you have been thumped in the stomach and you feel full of despair? It is normal and I know that may sound unhelpful but as you have discovered from the different posts on this thread -- WE ARE YOUR SUPPORT. PM any of us and we will do our best to help you through this difficult time. So many of us have been there and have felt the pain that you are experiencing right now. xx

Tell me your happy stories of life on the other side girls. Better love? Watching the downfall of the ex? Anything to make me feel even a tiny bit better x

So sorry you're on a down day, they are bound to happen.
Let me see.... On the other side your children will still love & respect you,
you will be able to get up & do exactly what you want with your time, because however much you "loved" him, I am betting he was pretty high maintenance, you have said he is a show off essentially, well, he can show off to other hapless people, but you will no longer have to deal with his ego.
You have the whole of the rest of your life to choose a new partner, to move to another place, to go on holiday exactly where you want, to sing & dance around the kitchen, drink gin in the bath....

@Hailtomyteeth what’s shark mode? I like the sound of that!

@WTFis2020 I have watched this thread and quite like to reread it when I need it www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2930329-DH-left-me-Anyone-got-any-positive-life-after-being-ditched-stories-Sob

Watching the downfall of the ex

Mines quite miserable from what I hear. He cheated on the girl who was the OW - that makes me quite happy :)

@userxx

Watching the downfall of the ex

Mines quite miserable from what I hear. He cheated on the girl who was the OW - that makes me quite happy :)

Totally get this, but then it makes me feel bad wishing or delighting in ill in others

@WTFis2020, this is the though bit, this is where you dig deep.

He’s treated you all appallingly AND he’s clearly up to something with the money

Stay cool and calm, things will be ok. They just will.

You’re not going to be living with a man who wants to lie to you, who hurts your kids, or who is taking from you. You’re creating a happy and safe space for you and your family

Totally get this, but then it makes me feel bad wishing or delighting in ill in others

I dont feel bad on her, she didnt think about my feelings did she. What goes around comes around.

@WTFis2020 Ate you ready for this? Brace yourself - it will be SHIT. Some of the time. Other times it will be a blessed relief. Other times it will feel like freedom. Then it will come crashing down and feel like your life has gone which in some respects it has.

Then there will be new people and places (not Spain) and free time as he plays father of the year. And none of it will have any association with him. It's yours just for you. Which will be great.

And over the coming weeks and months you'll remember things and think "how could I not know". But no one ever does.

You will feel old/unsexy/fat for a bit then you'll get hit on and think aha! He will be a wanker because when you've screwed someone over it makes you feel really bad. One way to circumvent this is by being cold and mean and ordering him around. Take his power - you will be doing both of you a huge favour.

Then in a few months the shit will be less and in a year you will be like THANK FUCKING GOD THIS HAPPENED!!!

And everything will be ok.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl can I just point out that I fucking love you 🤣🤣🤣

I have a friend coming tonight for wine, pizza (if I can eat) and plenty of slagging off x

@WTFis2020

Tell me your happy stories of life on the other side girls. Better love? Watching the downfall of the ex? Anything to make me feel even a tiny bit better x

I felt so very guilty about what my 2 young Sons might be picking up on and wondering if I /we were causing them harm with the awful silences and arguments my ex and I had at the time although we did try not to scream and shout in front of them. Turning the clock forward many years I am now with a gentle,loving and caring man and we both have a good and healthy relationship with both families. I share a very close,happy and understanding with both my Sons but their relationship with my ex is somewhat strained and they have very little contact with him. They rarely see each other and they are not too keen on his new wife . (I am ashamed to say I am pleased about that). When I finally started to answer the questions they asked as they became young adults I never slated their Dad as he was a very good Dad when they were young. My greatest pleasure came from the fact that they felt very protected as young boys with few memories of our awful arguments that their Dad and I shared.You are doing great and remind me of myself all those years ago. Stay calm in their presence and you will be the one to reap the benefits. I know it's hard. xx

@WTFis2020 try not to focus your idea of happy stories around another future better man.
Think about things you can do for you that will bring you and therefore your DC peace and happiness.
Time to work on and devote some time to yourself .

I was at rock bottom, ex was at the top. He had a good salary, had been dieting, never looked so good, the ow was younger.

As time went on, I started to live a little, kids away with ex eow, I started to have time to do my hobbies, meet friends and make new ones, lost weight, went from strength to strength in my career. I started to out earn him.

He on the other hand was tied to a young girl, who was bleeding him dry with holidays and looking after a small child, he'd got fat and she looked like shit.

My dc were older and more self sufficient and didn't really want to see him as he did fuck all with them.

I think it's a story as old as time

[quote MarriedtoDaveGrohl]@WTFis2020 Ate you ready for this? Brace yourself - it will be SHIT. Some of the time. Other times it will be a blessed relief. Other times it will feel like freedom. Then it will come crashing down and feel like your life has gone which in some respects it has.

Then there will be new people and places (not Spain) and free time as he plays father of the year. And none of it will have any association with him. It's yours just for you. Which will be great.

And over the coming weeks and months you'll remember things and think "how could I not know". But no one ever does.

You will feel old/unsexy/fat for a bit then you'll get hit on and think aha! He will be a wanker because when you've screwed someone over it makes you feel really bad. One way to circumvent this is by being cold and mean and ordering him around. Take his power - you will be doing both of you a huge favour.

Then in a few months the shit will be less and in a year you will be like THANK FUCKING GOD THIS HAPPENED!!!

And everything will be ok. [/quote]
My god, I wish I had this advice when my marriage tanked a few years ago x

[quote IndieTara]@WTFis2020 try not to focus your idea of happy stories around another future better man.
Think about things you can do for you that will bring you and therefore your DC peace and happiness.
Time to work on and devote some time to yourself . [/quote]
I agree. Im one of the few that didnt go on to meet somebody else but my happy endingbis that i dont care now. I value my freedom. I feel braver now. Optimistic. Not lonely. It could happen but i dont have any n3ed for it and that is so liberating. After years of thinking that meeting somebody was the happy ending. I get it now. Being happy is the happy ending.

My ex suddenly left me after 20 years. No other woman materialised - or maybe she didn’t want him.

All I can say is that people who are dumped go through such a process of trying to work out what they did wrong, what sort of person they are, how to ‘get over it’, how to help dc to heal, new hobbies, self improvement. They take fears into new relationships and either suffer paranoia and insecurity or they learn from red flags,learn about relationships, learn about setting boundaries - or a mixture of insecurity followed by strength.

Meanwhile the men who dumped them are oblivious. They might superficially work on their appearance for the ow, but they lose their connection with their dc, they take no responsibility for their actions, they don’t grow in any positive way, they might lose friends - certainly my ex has been dropped from the monthly dad’s curry nights.

So while it is horrible, and I remember feeling sick and unable to eat, awake all night, chucking the dc out of the car quickly so no other parents could see I had been crying all night, two years on I am wiser and stronger. I have a better bond with my dc and a lovely new boyfriend. So it feels like shit but honestly a new, amazing you will emerge - and be writing a post like this to someone else in a couple of years.

It will get better. I absolutely fucking howled when XH walked out. I was completely alone, lived miles from any family or friends, no kids and a stressful job. I lost my house, I lost friends (they literally just ghosted me; guess they didn't know what to say cos they weren't on 'his side' IYSWIM).
However, I bought a new house, got myself a new job, spent more time socialising and got my divorce done as fast as the courts would go! Then I went on OLD and met DH. I wasn't particularly expecting to, but he is truly a gem.
I couldn't care less what XH is up to; I think he actually is probably happy but it isn't the happiness I would want. Also OW always knows he can't be trusted, deep down.

@WTFis2020

Tell me your happy stories of life on the other side girls. Better love? Watching the downfall of the ex? Anything to make me feel even a tiny bit better x

I can’t speak for myself, but this happened to my mum. 17 years married, and one day, dad got a phone call, packed his bags and was gone. Mum had been a SAHM and then a TA for years, couldn’t drive, had few friends outside of her marriage. And 3 children, one of whom (dbro) had at the time in diagnosed autism, and shortly went on to become seriously ill with a very rare condition. You can imagine.

That was 23(?) years ago. Mum passed her driving test. She did a return to nursing course and went back to work. She did a degree and just retired as a deputy ward sister. And she met DStepdad... they’ve been married for 15 or so years, and he’s a really top man - a better father than dad ever was, frankly, and sure as hell a better husband. (And dbro is fine too, not necessarily the healthiest but still here and still standing!)

Dad leaving was awful - I was 15 so I wasn’t protected from it. It was horrendous. Mum lost so much weight she looked like she might snap. But she came through, one day at a time, and now her life is so, so much better than I think it ever was with dad. She’s my hero for what she did.

There is hope and there is another side to what you’re going through. One day at a time.

Thinking of you! Enjoy your pizza and wine.

Spudlet I think I love your mum. What an amazing woman!

@Spudlet I think I love your mum. What an amazing woman!

Loved Spudlet’s story.

My parents’ marriage ended after 32 years because of my dad’s persistent infidelity. 4 years later - in her mid-50s - my mum met the love of her life and had a very contented second marriage. After the dust had settled, she and my dad became friends and he even visited my mum and stepdad from time to time.

But as PP have said - it’s not all about meeting someone else and I know people who have remained very happily single after a relationship breakdown.

You are doing great, don't be hard on yourself. It takes time but does get easier. I'm 5 years on from a similar story. I found out about the ow via social media 2 months after he left. He ended up marrying her but has lost his children in the process who were under 9 at the time.

@OwlOne I think we are in similar positions and I def agree with what you say,