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DH left me. Anyone got any positive life after being ditched stories? Sob.

(19 Posts)
Sherbetdip1 Mon 15-May-17 20:40:54

So we met at 17, got married, had 2 beautiful children, seemed to be living a good happy life and now out of the blue decides he doesn't know if he "loves me like a wife" anymore. Won't go to counselling, won't try and communicate to improve problems, moved out for four weeks to "think" and after I basically told him to come back and try or bugger off he's chosen the latter.

I am now trying to fake being over and done with the whole thing to try and retain some level of dignity but -we were together for 15 years. He was my best friend. And I love him still.

Anybody got any positive stories of being better off after being heartbroken? Everyone keeps saying oh youl be better off after this blows over but I just can't see world has been destroyed, our kids are in bits and my future has been ripped apart - not to mention my heart.


Anything positive? Any, I re-married a gorgeous millionaire and lived a life of luxury whilst my ex rotted in misery stories?

Ps before anyone says it - yes, I'm aware there's probably an OW about to make an appearance...

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Mon 15-May-17 20:49:17

Not me but a good friend of mine was dumped by his wife for another man - they had a little girl together. He was devastated and fell into depression.
Then he met up with an ex colleague on a night out - they got together pretty much straight away, she's a close friend of mine, gorgeous, funny, smart and lovely.
They've been together ever since - have two children together and they are very close to the daughter from his first marriage - in fact closer than biological mum.
Hi exwife went on to have a number of failed relationships, put on masses of weight and drinks too much.
My two friends are happy, popular, generous, gorgeous and healthy and their house is full of life and laughter.

jeaux90 Mon 15-May-17 20:56:10

I will tell you one thing about being ripped apart like this, when you recover, and you will, you will be stronger and better than before. Sometimes I want to thank my ex. But I won't, he's a narcissist so I'm no contact grin

HappyAxolotl Mon 15-May-17 21:16:24

Time heals. It's such a cliche but it is true. You'll get to a point where it doesn't hurt so much. Then it doesn't hurt all the time and you start smiling a little. Then you'll suddenly found you haven't thought about him at all for a couple of days.

It really is the only thing that works, but it always works.

Twodogsandahooch Mon 15-May-17 21:19:49

My mum is very happy in her 2nd marriage. My father spends his days being forced to follow weight watchers by the woman he had an affair with.

TheLuminaries Mon 15-May-17 21:21:12

My mum had an affair and left my dad. He had the last laugh, the man she left for turned into an abusive bag of shit. My dad re-married a wonderful woman and they had a long and happy marriage for over 30 years until he sadly died - they adored each other.

DoubleCarrick Mon 15-May-17 21:23:10

My ex had an affair. I'm now married to my very lovely dh with a 4 month old ds smile

Sherbetdip1 Mon 15-May-17 21:37:01

Please keep these coming. I need to feel like some positive can come of this...

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Mon 15-May-17 23:05:45

Read the two year update by AndHarry on the thread "DH has left again" (it's in relationships).
Thread starts with OP being left devastated by DH (2 yrs ago) and ends with today's update of her lovely new relationship with really great new man.

annandale Mon 15-May-17 23:10:23

My mum was left by my dad after 34 years for another woman. She was devastated for about 24 hours a while but ever since then it's been like watching a blade of grass that's been trodden on rise up and flourish. As anyone could have told her, she was about 300 times too good for him. She's a whole field of flowers now (as well as having been with someone else for 20 years).

bonjourbear Mon 15-May-17 23:11:13

My ex cheated on me. Never found out the full extent of it, because he’d never admit to anything. But he kept tabs all his exes, and every time we had an argument, he’d call the one who came immediately before me. One day I got this impulse to look at his phone and when I did, I saw he’d joined a dating site, met a girl in a club, invited her out for dinner, and told her he’d just dumped his girlfriend, and was feeling really relieved it was all over! When I confronted him, he told me a) he hadn’t done anything wrong, and b) it was my fault anyway, because I was a shit girlfriend. This after I’d heaved my life to a whole separate hemisphere for the sake of his career. He was emotionally, financially and (on occasion) physically abusive. I left after five years, and two failed attempts. I was 33 years old, didn’t know which way was up, but was secretly convinced there was something wrong with me, that made me unlovable.

After that, I spent some time on my own, for the first time in my adult life. I educated myself about abuse. I looked back at my old relationships, and thought very hard about the patterns they followed. A year later, I met my boyfriend. He’s gorgeous, kind, funny, thoughtful and he makes me happy every day. He makes me happy even when we’re not together. I used to look at people who had relationships like ours and think ‘I’ll never have that’. But now I do.

My ex boyfriend periodically contacts me, asking to ‘catch up’. Probably when he has a row with his current incumbent. The last one came a few weeks ago. Needless to say, I deleted it. I don’t feel even a flicker of interest in what he’s doing now. I know all I need to know about him: he’s a tit, and his punishment is being himself every day for the rest of his life.

OP, you will get through this. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you will. You will come out the other side stronger. One day, you might even thank him.

CeciledeVolanges Mon 15-May-17 23:14:07

I was dumped awfully about six months ago. I have some mental health problems already - part of the dumping - and more or less

CeciledeVolanges Mon 15-May-17 23:22:13

Sorry, more or less fell apart completely. Were it not for my wonderful friends and colleagues I wouldn't be here, but I'm so much better now, I've made independent plans for the future, strengthened so many friendships, am healthier and have met someone new without even planning to who treats me so much better than I deserve. flowersflowersflowersto you because it doesn't feel like it but something even better will come for you, I am sure.

contrary13 Tue 16-May-17 09:56:38

A friend of mine married her university boyfriend the year after they graduated... within a year, she was having an affair with a bloke she'd met at work - who knew she was married and didn't care. Within two years, she was divorcing the university boyfriend (who was a genuinely nice bloke who adored my friend and couldn't understand why she was cheating on/leaving him) and setting up home with the bloke from work.

Fast forward a decade.

My friend is trapped (her words) in her marriage to the bloke from work, because she "doesn't want the shame" of being a woman with two failed marriages behind her hmm . After many years of trying, they had a child with help from fertility consultants... and the bloke from work/husband #2 checked out completely, leaving my friend to deal with the pregnancy/parenthood alone. She does everything for their child, whilst the bloke from work does nothing. My friend is desperate to have another child, but can't, and is miserable because she knows her husband is having affairs with the girls at her former work place where they met. Myself and another friend have gently suggested to her that she should have seen this coming - that a leopard doesn't change its spots, and other cliches. The child is an absolute nightmare (but I suspect that's because of the spoiling which has gone on, to be honest), is almost 7 years old and whinges like no one's business. My son and other friends' children don't like being around this child because of his behaviour/attitude towards them and us adults. Including his mother. Whom he treats exactly the same way that he sees his father treat her. It's awful, and sad, and sometimes I want to shake my friend and ask her WTAF she was thinking when she started the affair all those years ago...!

Her ex-husband, on the other hand... has married a lovely woman who adores him, they have three wonderfully behaved children, a slobbery dog (which is how he and I bumped into one another after so many years, actually), his career has flourished since he and my friend split, and they spend their weekends/holidays sailing. He's happy, contented, doing well for himself.

Just as you will be when your grief at the loss of your marriage ends, OP. You were very young when you got together (and I can't really comment, because my ex and I got together when we were 14 and were on/off for 10 years before getting together properly - he left me for OW, and just as my children are preparing to flee the nest and allow me to find out who I am as a woman and not just partner/mum... he is mired in small children for another decade grin I'd feel sorry for him, but... he made his choice, now he has to live with the consequences!). Find out who you are. flowers

Sherbetdip1 Tue 16-May-17 11:16:09

Thank you so much everyone. I'm not going to lie I am devastated. And having a bad day today. But these positive stories help to drag me through and try and see this could work out positively one day.

rusholmemuffins Tue 16-May-17 23:40:35

Yep. Me. DH of 12 (but I'd known him 28) years told me out of the blue that he no longer loved me and wanted to move out because he could be a better parent (to 4 kids 10 and under). I couldn't understand it thought it was a midlife crisis or grief (lost a close relative), swore there was no one else.

But there was. He left me and went straight to her. He moved in with her in August last year. Naturally I was deviated. But now I'm in a relationship with a man I've known a long time and we're much better suited - we have so many things in common and we do so much together.

I can't get over how vile XH has been to me. But more than that, what he's done to the kids and how he's completely trashed what had been a lovely childhood, I'll never forgive him for. He's a selfish prick and I wish him male pattern baldness and erectile dysfunction grin - but me? I'm having a great time now - in many ways, I'm actually glad he pissed off with his horrendous snoring and stinky feet.

Cassawooff Wed 17-May-17 19:54:22

My exH left me just under 3 years ago - didn't know if he loved me, no-one else involved, it was all my fault. Of course there was an OW. I was devastated, have never known pain, hurt and loss like it - I couldn't face life and genuinely thought without him I had nothing.

But I survived and now - I have a new boyfriend who is devoted to me in a way I have never known, a pet cat and have just landed an amazing new job I probably wouldn't have even applied for when I was married. I am still sad about my marriage but I'm in a better place than I ever thought I would be and know I have a happy future ahead of me.

I am so much stronger, more aware and more positive because of what I have been through. I have seen my faults in my last relationship and stop myself being that person again - so my new relationship is so much healthier. I don't get so stressed - nothing seems bad compared to what I've been through.

I promise it will get better, it will be alright and you will be happy again. Good luck and be kind to yourself

Sugarblade Wed 17-May-17 20:43:01

I was in your position almost 4 months ago (we'd been together for 18 years, from 16 years of age).

Let yourself grieve, enjoy quality time with your children and find your new "normal".

At first I thought "im going to make him regret leaving". Then it dawned on me that I shouldn't make him regret leaving, I should In fact make myself glad that he did.

Jump forward 4 months...My children and I are so much happier. I've reconnected with old friends. I'm training in a brand new career. Plus I've just started to experiment in the world of dating. More importantly I've found myself again, and I'm so much stronger and fulfilled!

It will get better I promise!

noova61 Thu 18-May-17 22:40:58

I got married at the age of 20, we were both in the Armed Forces, I gave up my career as we were told that we wouldnt be posted together...I was Army, he was RAF...2 weeks after we got married he pushed me down the stairs in a fit of jealousy after our best man gave me a kiss on the cheek for my 21st birthday(in front of his wife and all our friends)...I lasted 6yrs, with him cheating as often as he could and gambling...he stole money from work mates, eventually he was dishonourably discharged from the RAF. Nothing changed, he eventually left me for a younger model and married her, left me in 5k of debt...he also left her in 10k of debt. I was on my own for 2yrs, working and rebuilt my life....I met DH2, we have been together 27yrs, have a DD aged 23 and a DGC...I have got my confidence back, I no longer jump at loud noises and most importantly Im happy...there is light at the end of tunnel...It may seem like a black hole at the moment but it really does get better and lighter.

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