17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

My exh had an affair (20 years married). Lots of lies and betrayal before I finally kicked him to the curb. Nearly three years down the line and DC and I are all soooooo much happier. I now think he did us all massive favour for removing himself from our lives! Have not met anyone but life is just awesome.

So he now wants to come home. He only said he doesn’t love me out of anger. He’s saying if we go down the solicitor route it will cost us a fortune and I have more assets than him.
I think reality may have hit him like a ton of bricks. There’s still no fight or undying love from him.

He’s saying if we go down the solicitor route it will cost us a fortune and I have more assets than him.

That sounds like a threat. He has realised it is going to cost him and he is losing control of you. Bringing him back will just allow HIM more time to gets HIS ducks in a row... or hide them.

How do you feel OP? It must be hard to be decisive when there's no outright proof or confession.

He’s back peddling now. Stay strong.

He ‘only’ said he didn’t love you out of anger. So it’s anger now rather than unhappy eh? What was he SOOOO angry about? And what reason does he give for telling the kids it’s all over and leaving them two minutes later? Absolutely as you say, no real sign of remorse, no ‘I’m such a fool and I miss you all desperately’. He drops a massive bomb on the family, has applied for a huge loan (for ? exactly, honestly?) but still expects to just waltz back home.... And then what?

I’ve just read your thread, it brought back lots of painful memories for me and I really feel for you. The flip flopping is what I had to put up with, it’s so hurtful because my ex was exactly the same cold about leaving and when he’d had his fun out of the home for a while but had got bored of sofa surfing etc told me he wanted to come back, but not because he loved me, I knew it. It was just easier.

My story is from 12 years ago, he left when it baby was 4 months old, he’d been awful during my pregnancy going out but because it was out of character I thought he would stop once we had dc, anyway he left despite the fact my dad had just died I have a very young baby, was in maternity leave and no way to provide for myself and my baby. It was horrible I had no family to help and I am lucky I am a super strong ass woman

Anyway 12 years later I am super happy, I have more children, my husband is wonderful I have a great career and a house. Can buy stuff when I like without worrying about it.

He is living in a house share with men 10 years younger than him, he’s looking rough after being quite good looking for years and earns less than I do.

I was bitter about how he left me in the lurch at the time, he could have been so much kinder about it but he has had his karma and now I don’t feel anything about him.

Don’t trust it, OP. It’s all “Script Bullshit” he’s throwing out there.

His actions should speak louder than his pathetic text messages.

Op it’s easy to read everything on here but it’s your life, be only you really know what’s going on. You’ve very quickly gone from ‘normal’ to nightmare Maybe counselling would help? Go by yourself first, then together. Might give you some answers? I wouldn’t let home home, and think a split is in the cards tbh his behaviour is awful...but some proper support might be useful for you

WTF - is he currently working away?

He’s back working away. My head looks like this 🤯

Not the OP but am finding some of the comments on this thread so helpful. Husband left 4 weeks ago after 20 plus relationship and now living with OW. I need to know that I can be happy again.

I hope he isn’t but know there’s very little I can do about that.

Poor diddums 🙄
He’s really feeling sorry for himself isn’t he? What a pity.
Keep going OP, you’re a strong, determined woman 💐

Clueless - if you start your own thread, you will get lots of useful advice from mumsnet

@WTFis2020

He’s back working away. My head looks like this 🤯

I’m wondering how that’s going to work out when he’s got the kids half the time.

Oh no..wait....that’s finally occurred to him too. How convenient marriage is for him, what you being the default parent and his swanning off to do his Very Important Job whenever it suits him.

And I almost LOL at his comments about solicitors fees and protecting YOUR assets. Honestly it’s an insult to your intelligence.

Even if it were true, as the party with more assets you would be even more keen to get legal advice.

I’m sure you know that you can get legal advice AND use mediation.

interesting article here
www.forsters.co.uk/sites/default/files/Fam_Law_2018_Jan_92.pdf

Oh but let me guess - your husband isn’t suggesting mediation instead of legal advice is he? I bet he just wants to agree it between yourselves, so he doesn’t have to disclose his assets.

Have I got that right?

@CluelessnotShoeless

Not the OP but am finding some of the comments on this thread so helpful. Husband left 4 weeks ago after 20 plus relationship and now living with OW. I need to know that I can be happy again.

I hope he isn’t but know there’s very little I can do about that.

I'm sure all the support from everyone here is extended to you as well. When it happened to me I never though I would recover but (and I know it's a cliche) but time really does heal. x

If he can't provide childcare because he works away I doubt your assets are at risk.

@WTFis2020

So he now wants to come home. He only said he doesn’t love me out of anger. He’s saying if we go down the solicitor route it will cost us a fortune and I have more assets than him. I think reality may have hit him like a ton of bricks. There’s still no fight or undying love from him.

OHO!! So he's finally realise what he stands to lose, has he? So now he's doing you the "favour" of coming home and making all this just go away, no need to be hasty, it was just a moment of anger/ him being "stubborn"?

Nah mate. You had an idea, a better option, it didn't work out and you EXPECTED wtfis2020 to just fall to her knees and beg you to come back.

Tough nuts, she's stronger than you - and you know it. And STILL you can't actually fight appropriately for the woman you supposedly love, can you - nope, you just expect her to "get over this" and take you back as if nothing had happened.

@WTFis2020 - I'm so sorry he's being like this. Leaving and staying gone would have been easier - this is an absolute bastard's trick he's pulling now.

This is what vagina does to a man , there's a new woman 100%

My advice is get some new underwear for yourself and let him see you wearing it , new hair , new sexy clothes start working out , this new you will shock him and be interested in you and then you say sorry I've met someone else can you leave and jog him on . This will work wonders he won't be able to get it out of his head

Eww! Don’t let him see you are wearing new underwear OP 🤣🤣🤣
What a bizarre idea.

Obviously the implied threat of him getting his hands on your (financial) assets is going to appeal to your romantic side and tug on your heartstrings...

When you said early in the thread that you were the “smart” one in the relationship, you were on safe ground. His return to working away is excellent news, it bolsters your solicitor’s argument that you are the primary carer.

OP,
You have been so strong.

Unfortunately he really doesn't care about you are your children.

Be it another woman or whatever he is done in his head with your marriage.

However, he obviously realises he showed his hand too quick and needs more time to get organised BEFORE HE SHITS ALL OVER HIS FAMILY AGAIN.

He will do this again.

Take the two weeks he is away to ignore all contact from him completely.

Stress the hell out of him by your silence.

Use this time to get so organised with your SHL and get so far in front of him and this.

Take this time to tell EVERYONE exactly what he did and how he treated his children.

You are being so strong. You don't need to have contact with him about the children if he is away for work. I would give him a time he can ring the house phone to speak to them and then block his number. Continue with your plans and get your finances under control. That is the most important thing. Your children need a secure home and one stable parent, which is you.

If we go into lockdown again he may need to stay in his bubble. 🤣🤣

Gosh yes, don't let him back in before lockdown or you'll be stuck with him!