Had enough of making all the effort and am going to become a hermit

[stayanotherday]

Hi

I'm a single woman (47) with no family.

I've been in the same job for 17 years, soon to be made redundant. Worked on a very friendly team for years. Worked hard but we all got on and had a laugh. Have also built up what I thought was a circle of good friends over the last 2 - 10 years by joining groups and doing voluntary work because it's wrong to feel lonely and not make efforts. No issues with neighbours but they keep to themselves.

Since lockdown we've been wfh. The office is closing anyway. I've messaged everybody about every 10 - 14 days just to say Hi and check in. I've asked now and then if they'd like to meet up for a (socially distanced!) coffee and if they were free for a chat on the phone which was declined.

I get people have their own lives and I've tried to balance caring enough without constantly demanding or bothering them. I also get it's a hard situation for all of us and everybody's struggling. There's been no arguments or unkindness but they just haven't bothered in return. Thought we were close but am shocked to realise that's not true and the friendship ends at the door.

I left it to see if anybody would get in touch since about a fortnight ago. They haven't. I've decided not to get in touch again. I don't want to be a needy nuisance and can't do anymore. It's not as if I've got nothing else to do as I've been applying for jobs, working, studying, shopping and doing housework.

I'm in a lockdown area so am limited for now but to be honest I've had enough of trying to make friends, ending up making all the effort and can't do it anymore. I hate being completely isolated and that it's come to this but I've been let down too many times in the past and I'm not being a mug anymore. It's knocked the sauce out of me.

The next few months will be interesting. I can work anywhere in the UK and might have to move to follow the work. If that happens I won't look back or bother with people anymore. It will be so hard but at least I'll know where I stand. Society didn't want me and now I don't want its pain anymore. No wonder we're such a lonely society. I don't know why I posted really, just wanted to put it somewhere.

Sorry for the essay and thanks for reading.

I wouldn’t ask for help and I almost certainly wouldn’t give it.

Can I ask why you wouldn’t help your friends out, @TiggerDatter?

Acorn - thanks a lot and hope you're fully recovered. That's hard when you're on your own. Glad you had a few to help.

Late replying as have just submitted it. What a weight off. Now looking at the next one!

I love the Big Bang. Yes, lots of American sitcoms show that because I'm wondering if it's their culture for children to move far away for college and jobs so can't reasonably travel back. Friends become family instead.

Tigger - thanks for your comments and understand your self sufficiency.

Sparkling - hope your dad's comfortable and you're looking after yourself.

My personal situation is different from many of the people posting here but I’ve always known that when it comes to friendships, I’m almost always doing the chasing. Since lockdown I have had a to do list of people to phone, friends, or people on their own even older than me. I just accept that is the way it is. Many people in relationships with children and relatives may have little room for new friendships

On the other hand when I was 54 I met a guy who has turned out to be the friend I have had the most consistent contact with. Interesting that he has no siblings. He has loads of friends he was at school with but few have been in touch since lockdown

I suspect that of all my friends, if I didn’t make contact then I would never hear from most of them again. Although I was even Best Man at one of their weddings

Regarding work, I always reckon that if you didn’t have non-work social contact with someone while you worked together then you can’t expect to keep in touch

I would say that if you like speaking with someone then keep phoning them every few months. But stop if you sense that you’re not welcome

Excuse me but I’ve got a call to make ...

@SparklingLime I probably wouldn’t help most of my friends because I know from bitter experience that such help is not appreciated, not really, and is never reciprocated. People hate being beholden to someone they’re not related to.

Case in point: yesterday I managed to strand myself 6 miles from home. I called my neighbour (I’ve known her 4 years, we are equally supportive re dog sitting, lifts etc) to see if she could come fetch me but she didn’t pick up. I then mentally went through my list of local friends, people I’ve known for up to 25 years and whose company I enjoy. There was not one I wanted to be beholden to. So I walked. Nearly killed me 😂

When my neighbour noticed my missed call 12 hours later, and found out the story, she brought round a box of chocolates 😍. She is wonderful.

Another - Obviously it's your choice to initiate the contact but it does get wearing. I find people whatever their circumstances have stopped messaging. I've made the decision not to, not because it seems unwelcome but because frankly, I'm fed up of having to make all the effort. If people value me and want me in their lives then it has to be mutual because I've had too much of this in the past. I'd rather not do all the chasing and have things one-sided anymore.

I wonder if this is actually the norm for everyone now though?

The people who appear to have lots of friends, how do they get on? My Sister has absolutely loads of friends. She is really lovely and people seem to really like her but she works very hard at keeping those relationships going. She says quite a few of her friends are useless at remembering Birthdays but she doesn't hold it against them. She is a very happy go lucky type. I'm quite a different personality to her and quite a bit more sensitive. I also tend to overthink things which doesn't help.

OP. Sorry if it came across like I was telling you what to do. I phone the elderly/lonely because I ought to, although it’s actually quite pleasant. For example, one old lady who was very good to both my mum and my aunt. She lives 100 miles away and I am not legally allowed to visit her at present.

The rest are people I like talking to so in a sense I’m being selfish. Because I can’t be 100% certain the calls are welcome but what the hell ...

Ah, I see, @TiggerDatter. It was just that you spoke so warmly about your friends in the same post, that I wondered. Can I ask why you don’t like feeling beholden? Your post has made me more sure that that’s why I lost a friend in lockdown. I helped her out a lot in an emergency and immediately it was over she went very weird, and the friendship is over. After 15 years when we’ve both helped each other at times, I’d say pretty much equally, which is unusual.

Yes, @dooratheexplorer, I’m sure overthinking feeds into all of this a lot.

Doora - It does seem to be happening to many others. I wonder that as well. Sounds like your sister has lower expectations and can afford to be with so many people in her life. That's fair enough but I relate to what you've said.

It's not as if many of us don't understand other peoples boundaries and expect contact every few minutes or 19.00 every Wednesday for example but you just get jaded in the end.

Another - nothing to apologise for. You didn't and made fair points. What works for you is different and you get a lot out of that, fair enough. You're a bigger person than I am by continuing to reach out, especially to lonely people whom you can't visit for now. Lockdown might be extended, we just don't know and fully understand we have to do what we can in the meantime. I would guess your calls are welcome. If they weren't they could make excuses to end the calls.

Yes, you get something from the company too but you're not selfish at all when you're make all the effort! Sorry if my post sounded a little harsh, really didn't mean to be. I've just had enough of feeling foolish, not knowing if people want to be my friend or are just humouring me.

SparklingLime "Your post has made me more sure that that’s why I lost a friend in lockdown. I helped her out a lot in an emergency and immediately it was over she went very weird, and the friendship is over."

I can't understand why that would happen.

@SparklingLime @AcornAutumn I've never really considered it before but I guess I am projecting on others the fact that I don't like feeling beholden to friends... It's been my experience that friends who give significant help in one's hour of need often do so with the very clear intention that they intend to get it back in full plus interest - ie the 'friendship' is transactional, they are storing up favours, almost taking advantage of my temporary weakness. Not all friends will do this of course, but if it's a relatively new friend then there is a higher likelihood of it. I dislike this approach intensely so I assumed some others would as well. Also, I may just feel embarrassed to have shown my weakness and vulnerability so fully.

Not sure if that makes sense...

I guess I follow my instincts

I made a good friend from a colleague because she had major surgery. She was 20something and I was aware that her parents and boyfriend were useless.

So I offered to help - admittedly I was instinctively very fond of her but didn’t know her that well.

After she emerged from hospital, she really struggled with the meds, after effects of anaesthetic etc. So I went daily for the first two weeks, after work, it took me about 90 mins to get home but whatever. The dressings were awkward for her to change and she was really down - I think anaesthetic can do that, do funny things to your mind - so she found it hard to eat but she’d eat what I’d make and her pills needed to be taken with food.

Then it went down to twice a week as she recovered. We are good friends now. No one counts what they owe. There’s a big age gap so I don’t go clubbing with her mates or anything. But I don’t care about age.

At one stage my friends ranged in age from 26 to 91.

I’m careful no one takes the piss. But even if I help someone and they reject me - the point was to help.

There’s an elderly neighbour in my block of flats who constantly drops hints about needing help with cleaning. She’s quite well off, so obvious piss take = ignore.

Actually going back in time, my first bout of pneumonia, I had a flat mate who took care of me, cooked lots of food, called me during the day to check I was okay etc. She used to joke that she had too much nicotine in her system to get pneumonia, it would kill the bug 😂

I am a lot more circumspect with whom I share mental energy or practical help with, being used as an emotional toilet when at University.
I realised that people whom I thought I was friends with were perhaps somewhat onesided from little things mostly - like phones apparently working only one way. Or I would comment on status but they would never comment on mine.

These days, I only bother to stay in touch with people who actually respond and who know that you need at least two people in a conversation - not just one person, one listener.

As I have AS I often get it wrong. I think you can be friends and not agree on everything. However that is actually quite a minority report - I found that out that someone I generally respected most of the time certainly didn't respect me. He seemed somewhat angry that I was not in my 'little dorky person' box anymore.

Also my first boyfriend did suffer from being bullied a lot at school. One day, I saw he was really down so to make him feel better I gave him a blessing along the lines of 'however down you are, never forget that you are my equal, and that is not something to feel bad about.'

Turns out what I had done was extremely offensive since by his point of view I was even more of a social pariah at school than he was, and a girl to boot! Turns out that was where most of his self-worth resided!

Goodness, @TiggerDatter, that level of premeditation wouldn’t have occurred to me. I have helped out friends lots, in retrospect too much and possibly in a co-dependent way, but not with anything like that in mind. However, later when I realise that this is not a two-way relationship at all, and they are not going to lift a finger for me or show any interest, then I am hurt.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare

Going off on a tangent but if it makes anyone laugh, what I always I recall about him was the “slept like a baby” comment

@SparklingLime I know, the ‘premeditation’ sounds awful written down, but it has been my experience several times I’m afraid. It may not be totally conscious on their part, but it is most certainly what they are doing. I guess it is learned behaviour on their part, the women I am thinking of all had cruel mothers. So in the end I’ve stuck most happily with friends who have the same sort of relationship with their parents that I have.

Acorn - thanks for sharing, that's lovely. You're quite right about there being no spreadsheet but you're right not to want to be taken advantage of either. It's a hard line to follow.

Good friends can come from all walks of life and by keeping an open mind you can meet some fascinating people. That was very kind of you and glad you're good friends. Your flatmate sounds nice too and good fun. It's nice to be nice!

John - my sentiments exactly. It's a pity when you realise friendships weren't what you thought they were. Yes, people don't like it when the quiet ones refuse to be pushed around or used anymore.

Oh that's a shame. He sounds very damaged and unable to trust. That couldn't have been good for your confidence either.

Thanks a lot everybody. Well another weekend looms ahead and it's official, I've got nobody. Just as well I've learnt over the years you have to make your own company and make things happen.

Been in lockdown for six weeks already. It's not so bad in the week when there's work to do. I've submitted my assignment and am working on the second so that's something. Should finish this degree a year early as taken extra modules so always something to do there and over a long, dark and cold winter.

At least the forecast's nice unlike last weekend so will go for walks. There's plenty of housework, decluttering and books to read. Got fifteen from the library and have only started reading one tonight to relax after all that work last night. There's always something to do.

OP! I read this and felt my heart melting. You're a single mum and that is something to be proud of.. Doing that by yourself is not easy hun and my instinct tells me you're doing a good job! Super mummy! If they don't want to catch up with you.. that is their loss... Don't let it affect your future relations! They are not worth it! You have so much to offer people and anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend! Chin up sweetie! Good friends are out there and don't let the fake ones stop you from getting them on board. You're fab! xxx

StraightTalkingSally - thanks so much for your positive post and hope you have lots of people in your life. I don't have children but thanks so much for being kind. At least there's always so much to do in life. Keeping busy's the key!

You sound absolutely lovely, @stayanotherday. And a great thread Queen! 👑

Sparkiling - thanks a lot lovely and for continuing to post. You really are great! Hope things with your dad as as okay as they can be and you're also looking after yourself.

Thanks to you all for keeping this thread going and hope you have a good weekend!

I never thought about how helping a person can lead to them resenting how they owe you one. Food for thought.

It can happen but there is also the issue when you THOUGHT you were helping someone but you weren't, either as a result of poor communication or that you did something with good intensions but that wasn't wanted. I lost a load of friends doing something I thought was needed - attempted to clean their kitchen and tidy up their lounge for a New Year party - only to get kicked out a day early and be accused of losing a load of things.

Now in hindsight I can see why they were somewhat upset about my actions, since I know a bit more about hoarder mindsets. These friends had somewhat enmeshed lives and all had some mental issues they were dealing with to a greater or lesser extent - I had effectively violated their place.

So great was their distress they waited for me to contact them of course.
I can't help thinking that some of this paperwork went missing before we'd had anything to do with it (we put anything that wasn't obviously crisp packets or trash in a single drawer) and we were a perfect target for blame.

Certainly, I suspect some of this was poverty related but there were very transactional, particularly when it came to food. One time we wer driving back and DH commented that they charged us £1 for some sweets they had put out in the communal area having offered them to us (I had one sweet, Dh a couple since we aren't big sweet eaters). But it did seem suspect that we tended to help them out more then they did us - we had cars for a start.

Another thing I have found since both DH and I have moved a fair bit is that people in friends-rich environments tend to not miss you so much - it is more noticable for you if you go to a more friends-poor environment when they don't bother.