Had enough of making all the effort and am going to become a hermit

[stayanotherday]

Hi

I'm a single woman (47) with no family.

I've been in the same job for 17 years, soon to be made redundant. Worked on a very friendly team for years. Worked hard but we all got on and had a laugh. Have also built up what I thought was a circle of good friends over the last 2 - 10 years by joining groups and doing voluntary work because it's wrong to feel lonely and not make efforts. No issues with neighbours but they keep to themselves.

Since lockdown we've been wfh. The office is closing anyway. I've messaged everybody about every 10 - 14 days just to say Hi and check in. I've asked now and then if they'd like to meet up for a (socially distanced!) coffee and if they were free for a chat on the phone which was declined.

I get people have their own lives and I've tried to balance caring enough without constantly demanding or bothering them. I also get it's a hard situation for all of us and everybody's struggling. There's been no arguments or unkindness but they just haven't bothered in return. Thought we were close but am shocked to realise that's not true and the friendship ends at the door.

I left it to see if anybody would get in touch since about a fortnight ago. They haven't. I've decided not to get in touch again. I don't want to be a needy nuisance and can't do anymore. It's not as if I've got nothing else to do as I've been applying for jobs, working, studying, shopping and doing housework.

I'm in a lockdown area so am limited for now but to be honest I've had enough of trying to make friends, ending up making all the effort and can't do it anymore. I hate being completely isolated and that it's come to this but I've been let down too many times in the past and I'm not being a mug anymore. It's knocked the sauce out of me.

The next few months will be interesting. I can work anywhere in the UK and might have to move to follow the work. If that happens I won't look back or bother with people anymore. It will be so hard but at least I'll know where I stand. Society didn't want me and now I don't want its pain anymore. No wonder we're such a lonely society. I don't know why I posted really, just wanted to put it somewhere.

Sorry for the essay and thanks for reading.

Do you think social media/phones have something to do with it? I usually have plenty of people to text and who text back - it's taking it to the next, actual meeting up level that seems hard. I don't know if people don't feel the need because they have company in their phones, so to speak. Maybe my tolerance of that is lower than of those who are happy to gave virtual-only friendships.

Hope you have a good weekend OP, with good weather for walks, and nice treats for when you get in!

OP, I am sorry this is how things are working out right now. You sound like a great colleague and friend - very sensitive to others needs and rational about expectations.

The only thing I can suggest is that people are struggling too and when they struggle, they tend to hibernate. I have a close friend who lives alone, currently on the other side of the world as she was there when it all kicked off and has stayed there rather than come home. I find it really hard to contact her. I just have no idea what to say. I have zero news. We go for walks. Tidy the house. Worry about DC. Do a bit of work (massively reduced since Covid.) I feel sort of empty-headed.

Some local friends of mine are incredibly nervous about covid and refuse to go for a SD walk or coffee. Their anxiety has hit the roof.

Others have had it and are struggling with the long-tail exhaustion and brain fog.

It's just so hard for everyone. It doesn't mean they don't like you. But that doesn't help you if you are alone and feeling isolated. Maybe you need to tell a few trusted people that you have become really isolated due to your living conditions and that every attempt to reach out has failed and you now need a support bubble to meet with a few times a week. You deserve that. Everyone does. And you do genuinely sound lovely.

I also think there are times in our lives when we just run out of friends. Some years ago I was desperately lonely. I was just aching for some friendship and found it really painful that all around me people seemed to be endlessly invited out to dinner and to parties.

Then I suppose i just adjusted my expectations and started living a quieter life. Now I enjoy the occasional walk or meet up with friends whereas before I longed for a lot more.

One thing i find really helpful is to learn to appreciate different types of friendship. It's fine if you only see people once a week to say hi to at gym class and go for drinks once a year at Christmas. That's not close friendship but it's a kind of valuable sociability. We really miss that sort of interaction during lockdown. But there are online versions. Online book clubs. Online free uni courses with student chat rooms. Online exercise classes etc.

OP I like your idea of getting more involved with the OU student groups. And joining an online book club is a good idea.

You're a sweet heart stayanotherday.. make sure you stay a few decades atleast and go get them girl!

@stayanotherday

I just wanted to say that I think you sound like a really lovely person - thoughtful, kind and careful of others' feelings. Anyone would be lucky to have you as a loyal friend, I'm sure. This is not a very useful contribution but reading this thread I just think you sound really nice and wanted to say so.

Best of luck to you!

Have not posted in a few days. Forgive me for only scanning the thread, I have been incredibly busy at work!

@stayanotherday like others have said, you sound like a great mate, committed (as this thread has shown) and genuinely seem interested in others stories/lives. What more could anyone want from a friend? I wish I knew

As we begin this 4 week lockdown, I am preempting my thoughts/feelings. I know we are all in the same boat, but I will be looking for the contact from others, and I will most likely be disappointed. Like the OP title, I really am tired of making effort with those that don't appreciate me, and I will not be making the effort with those!

I hope you all have a good weekend

Sorry for the late reply everybody. Been out walking and doing repairs that needed doing so will reply properly tomorrow.

Hope you're having a great weekend, thanks a lot for your comments and please feel free to use this thread however you want, to chat, vent, anything. It's our thread!

John - good points. People who have a lot going on don't miss you because you're not a priority. I'm wondering more and more as if there are a set of rules not all of us are let in on.

Kitsch - completely agree and with virual we only get to see snapshots of people and their lives. It's not without value but is also very transient. Too many five minute friendships. Thanks a lot and hope you did too!

Dolphin - thanks a lot for your kind comments and very fair points. Absolutely agree people have run out of steam, their worlds have shrunk and they also have a lot of worries. Many, especially us introverts retreat into ourselves. Fair play for being so kind, understanding and reaching out to your friend. Well done for seeing it's not about you but her reaction to a difficult situation. Hope she's ok.

Glad you have a family and you're doing your very best but sorry you're worried about them, aren't seeing friends and work's dried up.

You're right about circumstances can make you run out of friends at times. That's a wise attitude and something I'm going to take on board. Any interaction with people is appreciated and yes, we have to take things as they are and do what we can at the time.

It certainly is hard going and definitely agree there's been no issue with anybody. I did and unfortunately it fell on deaf ears because they're in their own little worlds. Shame we couldn't have continued reaching out to have a laugh, vent, moan or whatever's needed. Thanks so much and so do you!

Straight - thanks so much and so are you! That's incredibly kind and hope you do the same!

Devolo - thanks very much for saying that and you sound amazing! It is useful because this thread is supportive and here for everybody to use. Same to you and thanks again.

Itsall - thanks a lot and same here! Hope you're taking time for yourself too. You sound great and yes, it is hard to know what more to do and what the rules are.

Lockdown's made people look at themselves, their lives and the people around them. It's brought things into focus. It is completely fair to see who stays in touch and who doesn't then reciprocate.

Hope you've all had a great weekend and thanks for continuing to post. Please use this any way you like as the next few weeks will be hard for those of you living in England particularly.

Good news, the redundancy might be extended. I need to find out more this week first so have put the job applications on hold and have gone for walks instead to make the most of the weather. Hope you've been able to do the same.

OP do you mean the pay night be extended- that’s a win!

Glad you’re all right.

I tried a hello email to a friend who vanished over lockdown. Last time she said bluntly she was having a great time - house, garden, no commute. I can understand that.

I felt as if she replied just to be polite.

There was an article in the Guardian about people becoming less friendly and neighbourly over lockdown. I didn’t read it but I saw the headline.

I’ve stopped long chats with neighbours after someone on MN got reported to T&T as a contact and had to isolate after talking to someone outside.

@AcornAutumn that’s extraordinary! I don’t understand that attitude among neighbours of reporting each other but also I don’t really understand the rules. On Saturday me and my three neighbours each took a chair to sit on our shared driveway. There was at least 4 metres between each household. That’s allowed isn’t it?

I would say don’t allow yourself to be cowed into not chatting outside so long as there is space. Interaction is so good for mental health.

@stayanotherday I’m glad you’ve had good news on the job front and you celebrated by walking. That’s what I do too: walking my dog in the fresh air is my idea of bliss.

Tigger “ There was at least 4 metres between each household. That’s allowed isn’t it?”

Yes it is.

The woman who posted here had a short walk with someone she knew after bumping into them. They were probably a metre away from each other, the OP said.

In my building, most chats happen near the post area, where you can’t distance more than 2 metres, or in the corridor which is the same. We have each other’s details from the residents group.

It’s been mentioned in the group email and I said I’d be rushing by and please don’t take offence.

Hopefully no one would be mad enough to report to T &T but you can’t know, can you? One guy - admittedly a wanker - in first lockdown, reported a group of teenagers playing football in the park. He thought he was doing the right thing though he got a verbal trouncing after telling us in email chat.

Acorn - thanks a lot and hope you are. Sorry to hear about your friend. This situation shows who's there for you and who isn't. It's a pity. At least you made the effort and now know where you stand.

Lockdown's brought out the best and worst in people. That's very sad as interation's so crucial, especially for those on their own.

Tigger - that's great and so glad you're keeping in touch with people. That sounds fine. It's finding a balance. Thanks a lot.

Instead of leaving at the end of December I might be staying until the end of June. I need to find out more but am pretty sure I'll do it and need to let them know by the end of the week. I should hear then next week so have put job applications on hold.

Hope you all have a good day!

Yes actually lockdown has brought me closer to my neighbours of 17 years. I didn’t really like two of them before, but we did these ‘driveway parties’ every week or so in the first lockdown and it’s amazing what you find out about people when you just have hours to idly chat and there’s nothing else to do!

Has a ‘gathering’ outside the building ever been suggested for your block @AcornAutumn?

Tigger

A group of us are very friendly bit tend to pop to each other for a cuppa.

The building is on a busy road so no outside space.

But even if there was, after hearing that someone got reported outside....

Plus aren’t gatherings of more than two households banned even outdoors at the moment?

*reported to T & T outside.

God knows @AcornAutumn, hence my question about the driveway parties! Does strict 4m spacing make it not a gathering??

I’d have thought 4m would be fine

We’d be gathering in the narrow pavement of an A road so not exactly fun anyway.

Oh here’s the article

www.theguardian.com/world/2020/nov/07/good-neighbours-no-uks-community-spirit-fell-in-summer-covid-lockdown

These last couple of posts have encouraged me to make the effort and check in with some friends by WhatsApp.

Snuggy - so glad, well done!

Thanks and it actually has been well received.

I've been thinking about what's been said about community spirit. I think it's a case of how you can't expect something out of nothing, when you don't get to have meaningful contact with people it's hard to see those people as important.

It strikes me as ironic that we are being asked to accept restrictions for the sake of society and the greater good at the same time that we are being cut off from wider society the restrictions. Is it any wonder that people's motivation is flagging?

Sunggy - so glad for you and nice for you to have the catch up. Hope you feel proud of yourself for making the effort because that's all we can do.

Very true. Those connections dwindle or if it wasn't there in the first place, it becmes more obvious and apparent now. Many of us accept the rules because we want ourselves and others to stay safe but people are fed up, isolated and bored. It's hard to stay motivated and we don't know when things are going to change.

There’s a thread going on at the moment about early retirement

It made me realise something which I do consider occasionally

When I retire early, I might not want to tell people in case I become the go to for favours etc

So I guess that’s another reason to be a hermit!

I always said if I didn't work I would be a hermit!
I have social anxiety and my job means I work unsociable long hours so I'm normally too exhausted for people when I am not working.Don't get me wrong I love to chat and I am very friendly I just don't get friendships.I feel I should make the effort to meet other women my own age as I work predominantly with teenagers who I love but they are at a different lifestage.Social media is great for feeling connected through photos and updates I find.