Had enough of making all the effort and am going to become a hermit

[stayanotherday]

Hi

I'm a single woman (47) with no family.

I've been in the same job for 17 years, soon to be made redundant. Worked on a very friendly team for years. Worked hard but we all got on and had a laugh. Have also built up what I thought was a circle of good friends over the last 2 - 10 years by joining groups and doing voluntary work because it's wrong to feel lonely and not make efforts. No issues with neighbours but they keep to themselves.

Since lockdown we've been wfh. The office is closing anyway. I've messaged everybody about every 10 - 14 days just to say Hi and check in. I've asked now and then if they'd like to meet up for a (socially distanced!) coffee and if they were free for a chat on the phone which was declined.

I get people have their own lives and I've tried to balance caring enough without constantly demanding or bothering them. I also get it's a hard situation for all of us and everybody's struggling. There's been no arguments or unkindness but they just haven't bothered in return. Thought we were close but am shocked to realise that's not true and the friendship ends at the door.

I left it to see if anybody would get in touch since about a fortnight ago. They haven't. I've decided not to get in touch again. I don't want to be a needy nuisance and can't do anymore. It's not as if I've got nothing else to do as I've been applying for jobs, working, studying, shopping and doing housework.

I'm in a lockdown area so am limited for now but to be honest I've had enough of trying to make friends, ending up making all the effort and can't do it anymore. I hate being completely isolated and that it's come to this but I've been let down too many times in the past and I'm not being a mug anymore. It's knocked the sauce out of me.

The next few months will be interesting. I can work anywhere in the UK and might have to move to follow the work. If that happens I won't look back or bother with people anymore. It will be so hard but at least I'll know where I stand. Society didn't want me and now I don't want its pain anymore. No wonder we're such a lonely society. I don't know why I posted really, just wanted to put it somewhere.

Sorry for the essay and thanks for reading.

Well, we will need company more than ever over the next few weeks

I have to say, however positive I am trying to be, this situation is not easy.

So many live in their own worlds and sadly don't have empathy.

Itsall - we will and it's worse in autumn and winter. My area hardly came out of it so it's same old. Perhaps we could all think of things we can do until things change.

Apart from not reaching out anymore I've decided if they do want contact in future to fade them out by being polite but vague and distant. I don't believe anybody's being unkind or it's personal but it's still really hurt and I don't just feel the same towards them anymore.

Didn't want any of this but been here too many times in the past. If a job comes up I'll be "busy at work". Might move away. Life is precious and there's plenty I still want to do whilst I can, so the rule in future is if people want to be in my life then mutual efforts must be made.

Seems a good rule OP

It’s if they do a shocking u turn...but actually I’ve heard recently that any friend who is full on initially is probably a bit dodgy. Seems unfair doesn’t it..finding the right balance of enthusiasm.

When I moved to a new area , I decided to volunteer for the local hospice. First in their charity shop.
Then they decided they wanted to train volunteers to do bereavement support as an add on to the services they had already supplied.
In a past job I had trained a little in counselling so thought I would put myself forward for it. It took 6 months of training ( a full day a week ) plus a further fair bit of at home reading / homework. I did this as well as my volunteering at the shop.
Once I had completed the training process , I was given clients to visit / support.
Fast forward a year or so and I sadly had a parent who had terminal cancer , so I cared for them full time until they past away. This was not in my home town.
In all that time I did not hear from anyone from the hospice I was volunteering with , inspite of them knowing all details. Once back home still no support . So to be honest I felt as if I had been used for their purposes only and not worthy of help when I could have done with it myself.

That's a dreadful story @RuthTopp, you must've felt incredibly let down and used, I'm sorry for your loss

I just don't understand people

Thanks Acorn. It is hard to work out if people are genuine or have a hidden agenda these days. Don't want to be negative but puts you off wanting to find out and get too involved.

That's awful Ruth. I'm so sorry for your loss. You deserved better after all that. In the long run though, they lost you and the time and money they invested for the sake of the odd phone call. No doubt they'll be crying out for helpers in future if they aren't already but their loss.

@RuthTopp really sorry to hear how you were treated. It's gutting to really put yourself into something like that and then be ignored by people who should know better.

Personally I don't get why volunteering is recommended as a cure for loneliness. All I found in my experience was lone working and being thrown in at the deep end with no support. Wouldn't even contemplate volunteering it again.

Don’t be a hermit. You are doing all the right things to meet people. Maybe the people you work with are just not the kind of people who are friends outside work. I have some good friends but lockdown has affected meet ups and socializing. Also in my 40’s I’ve decided to focus on the people who really matter. It’s never too late to make true friends

I have also had mixed experiences with volunteering. For it to work it really has to be something you are interested in and there has to be support for it. The times I've volunteered 'out of my lane' did kinda suck. The first was in a shop with the intention of making myself more employable - it didn't and I started resenting working for free, although I wasn't doing anything.
The second time was for a youth group in a nearby village via a contact through the university volunteering society. I turned up but no-one bothered to engage with me or support me - I used my initiative to help out but there was no auditing and paper trails and I just felt like a spare part. The final blow was when it transpired that one of the people running it had been under the misapprehension I was one of the kids! (I was a PhD student and looked young for my age). It was bizarre.
In hindsight they were part of a high-demand faith group and I suspect weren't used to dealing with adults much outside their social circle. I left and gave them reasons but NO ONE thought to contact me and follow up. The kids still said hi though.

I agree with a previous poster who said that people will put in as much as you put in if they want a friendship. I'm sorry this happen to you. I know this feeling all too well!!

In my opinion and experience it is difficult to make friends as an adult and as a woman for some reason.

(As opposed to my 4 year old who just went up to a child he had never met in a park and said "do you want to play airplanes? just stick out your arms like this and run" queue the other child just sticking out their arms and running! If only all friendships were this easy to make!)

There is another volunteer group, the mutual aid, set up in each borough. (Just look for your borough's name then mutual aid on facebook.) You can meet some nice people through there and they are local. Maybe they'll even be interested in a coffee on a bench at a local park?

I'm currently trying to find one or two people to have a coffee on a park bench during lock down. I hope it works out!

I wonder if there is a pervading school of thought that all women are effectively service providers and therefore don't need to be treated as people who you reciprocate with?

This certainly was a thing I notice in hindsight following on from my younger, more people-pleasing days not long out of school. AS also adds another dimension in that some people almost see it as a right to be mean to you even if you have done NOTHING.

Sunflower - thanks so much. Glad you've got good people and you're right too. Lockdown's certainly cut the wheat from the chaff. Hope you can meet up with them soon.

John - that's very disappointing when you put yourself out there. It clearly wasn't properly set up in the first place. Not everybody's supportive or understanding of AS and that's a pity. I've noticed I've had to try lots of different things before finding a few things that 'stuck'. Hope you don't give up and keep trying to join things that interest you. Interesting point, I'm now wondering that too.

Lemon - thanks very much and sorry it's happened to you. Agree, it is difficult and I think it's because most ladies have families and so are often seen as not needing friends or an outside life. It's supposed to be enough for them. How nice, that would be great if it were that easy!

Really appreciate the kind suggestion and will look into that, thanks. Hope you do meet up with them, sure they'll be delighted to meet you!

My area's been in lockdown for a while already and with this horrid weather been getting on with the first OU assignment. Hoping to finish tonight. Hope you all have a great day!

I’ve always had an issue with ‘volunteering’ because you are essentially promoting the idea that your time and good nature have no value. That value doesn’t have to be expressed in terms of money, it can be something like a qualification/training/reference. But if you don’t put a genuine value on you, who else is going to?

This thread is so kind and genuine. It has made me rethink my friendships, and prioritise the ones where there is a genuine sense of fellow-feeling re both fun and supportiveness

Thing is, I often volunteer as part of a STEM ambassador (back when we could) and those have been very enriching - outreach has been a source of good experiences with respect to volunteering. But then I'm doing it with actual support and training on this front.
What a lot of people don't realise is that unpaid volunteers also cost money. They need training, mentoring, management and supervision and whenever appropriate, other items such as equipment and T&S. It isn't free labour and I would suggest giving any organization a big swerve if that's what they think.

I'm so glad it's clarified friendships for you Tigger and thank you. It is a kind thread.

I understand. I volunteered to help others, to learn and because it seemed a sensible and safe way to meet decent like minded people, which I did. Just a shame it all fell apart because of lockdown. I'm quiet and introverted so not one for pubs. I joined a gym, did lots of night classes and went to the cinema but people were there to do the activity. Fair enough but it's where to look for people sometimes.

John - good points. Volunteering can be a tricky business sometimes. Peole forget it's similar to a business where bills have to be paid, training given and many people don't go the distance because they see it as purely a social event. It involves work too but because they're not getting paid, mant don't see it like that.

Hope you've all had a good day. Have been finishing an OU assignment after work as been in lockdown for over a month and it goes dark early. Might as well do most of the work over the winter while there's time.

OP that’s a lot of discipline

I needed easy TV tonight so watching the Big Bang Theory. I think one reason shows like that, and Sex and the City, are so popular, is they really show the friendship as family thing.

@AcornAutumn I am a lifelong devotee of Friends but to me it is a fairytale. Such close bonds are possible when friends are single and living close. Once distance and partners and children get in the way, as they always do, such friendships fade to a shadow of themselves. The beautiful thing is how they can revive in later years. I’m 58 and am so enjoying my refound friendships with school, uni, early work and flatmate friends. There’s a special bond with people you know when young which seems not to be broken even by years of mutual neglect. But as ever I expect nothing from them except good company. I wouldn’t ask for help and I almost certainly wouldn’t give it.

Tigger I think those are still possible, i mentioned friends with kids upthread...it’s still a bond even if we don’t see each other as often.

But for me, the living close thing is definitely going to be an issue in future.

We’re obviously different though, because the help matters to me. I’ve had major illness and the friends who help throughout stuff like that are like gold. Perhaps I’m being greedy and wanting too much gold!

It’s just life isn’t it @AcornAutumn? I’ve had long term family illness, bereavement, divorce but I’ve not reached out to friends for help or support. If it was me who was sick, I might act differently for sure. And I reckon I have two friends who would want to help, but none who would be able to, given distance

Tigger my illness and injury was spinal so I was immobile for part of it.

It got rid of a person who just wanted me around for entertainment though!

I hope you’re on the mend now @AcornAutumn, that must have been so scary 💐

Thanks Tigger.