Had enough of making all the effort and am going to become a hermit

[stayanotherday]

Hi

I'm a single woman (47) with no family.

I've been in the same job for 17 years, soon to be made redundant. Worked on a very friendly team for years. Worked hard but we all got on and had a laugh. Have also built up what I thought was a circle of good friends over the last 2 - 10 years by joining groups and doing voluntary work because it's wrong to feel lonely and not make efforts. No issues with neighbours but they keep to themselves.

Since lockdown we've been wfh. The office is closing anyway. I've messaged everybody about every 10 - 14 days just to say Hi and check in. I've asked now and then if they'd like to meet up for a (socially distanced!) coffee and if they were free for a chat on the phone which was declined.

I get people have their own lives and I've tried to balance caring enough without constantly demanding or bothering them. I also get it's a hard situation for all of us and everybody's struggling. There's been no arguments or unkindness but they just haven't bothered in return. Thought we were close but am shocked to realise that's not true and the friendship ends at the door.

I left it to see if anybody would get in touch since about a fortnight ago. They haven't. I've decided not to get in touch again. I don't want to be a needy nuisance and can't do anymore. It's not as if I've got nothing else to do as I've been applying for jobs, working, studying, shopping and doing housework.

I'm in a lockdown area so am limited for now but to be honest I've had enough of trying to make friends, ending up making all the effort and can't do it anymore. I hate being completely isolated and that it's come to this but I've been let down too many times in the past and I'm not being a mug anymore. It's knocked the sauce out of me.

The next few months will be interesting. I can work anywhere in the UK and might have to move to follow the work. If that happens I won't look back or bother with people anymore. It will be so hard but at least I'll know where I stand. Society didn't want me and now I don't want its pain anymore. No wonder we're such a lonely society. I don't know why I posted really, just wanted to put it somewhere.

Sorry for the essay and thanks for reading.

I'm a coper too (apparently...).
grass I live in a small village complete with WI. It's so cliquey I dream of moving to a city

Village life is overated. I grew up in a small town - everyone knew me and knew my business, the myths and the legends about me. Only they didn't since I seemed to be a source of rumours and only a handful of people actually bothered to, uh have conversations with me. I learnt very early to not give much of myself away since everything I did or could do could be used as a weapon against me.
It was almost amusing to see peoples perceptions of me vs the actual me - I was either an unsettling intellect with quasi-godlike powers or a gonk to be used and discarded at will.

Just be cautious about village life that's all. Or you might find it's full of 'I'm alright Jack' types who get twitchy about any immigrants and by immigrants = someone you didn't go to school with.

kitschplease

^^

We can switch places, I'm in a city and sick of it!

Itsall - sorry that happened. That's awful. Could have written most of that myself. Not surprised you have trust issues when people picked up those things and took full advantage. You learn to become self sufficient because you have to and that's both good and bad because you're seen as too independent and not needing others.

That's why although I'm happy to cut people slack, I don't want to keep initiating because I'm fed up of being used and doing too much for others only to end up with nothing and feeling like a nuisance.

Snuggy - how sad. Yes, seems most on this thread had similar and emotionally limited upbringings. This resonates too and we have to learn those skills. Very hard though. It does make sense.

Elspeth - that's horrid and so glad you've turned it into a positive. Hope you celebrate your birthday doing what YOU want!

Sloth - don't blame you and feel the same. As we head into winter and looks like another national lockdown that's going to be the case more. Trouble is, peoples mh is going to suffer more and they might need you but you'll have moved on.

Thanks a lot but there's nothing atm. We're under the strictest restictions here. All the clubs, groups, restaurants, cafes, the cinema and meetups are closed for now. Looked online for a walking group that's been cancelled for now. No virtual book groups although am looking. Hope you're keeping busy.

Midnight - hello and thanks a lot. How are you? I'm trying to stay positive applying for quite a few jobs and doing OU work while everything bar essential shops are shut. At least there's time for it!

John - you certainly haven't killed the thread and thank you for commenting! Completely agree it's so hard to know what camp you're in and it comes as a surprise and an upset when those you thought of as friends, aren't. Can relate to being used for free therapy which you don't mind but it's all one sided and you have enough. Sorry it's happened to you and please don't feel alone. Everybody's lovely on this thread and at least there's plenty of company here!

Grass - sounds wonderful. Would like that too!

Kitsch - how disappointing for you. Yes, can tick those boxes too. Again, seems many of us can! It is so hard to tell what you mean to others and where you stand. This pandemic's brought it into sharp focus. You know which zone it is.

Cremant - I agree with all that. It's sad and yes, you just get fed up of making all the effort in the end. It's not worth it and that's the society we live in. Nobody benefits in the end. To be fair I find London far more friendly than it's given credit for but agree with British reserve. The pandemic has brought it all out into the open.

I suspect with smaller villages it's OK if you are accepted but must be awful if you don't fit in.

In cities you're anonymous but I'd argue its more likely you'd eventually find your tribe or at least a better concentration of friend seeking people. I remember trying meetup where I lived and I think it's problem was that to get reasonable numbers they had to "recruit" from such a wide area it no longer felt like a local group.

Kitsch and Doora - people forget that those of us who are copers whom others offload onto need support ourselves sometimes. Thing is they either don't realise or care because it's one sided. You just get fed up of being used and it being one sided in the end so you stop.

John - very fair points. You can't do right. I grew up in a village and can relate but moved to a town thinking it would be more open minded with more going on but it's more inpersonal. Not all places are like this, think it's looking around and finding somewhere suitable. I've been regarded like that too. You learn to be guarded and then people wonder why. No wonder some of us have trust issues.

Thanks again to all of you. I did nip round an aquaintance's earlier to drop a birthday card and present off at the door for her son as I did it for her other son earlier in the year. I would have called her a friend before but not now. Like I've said there's no nastiness and we were polite but I've pulled back with those I thought to be friends so it didn't feel the same. I didn't stay long, just enough not to be 'funny'. Hope you're all okay.

@SnuggyBuggy I joins Meetup a few years ago, I went to lots of stuff (and I mean lots) got on great with people (I'm very easygoing) but still haven't made good friendships, where I see that others have. However, when I look at those 'friendships' they seem to be based on their usefulness, doing the same things etc. I think I'm probably choosy with my friendships without realising it.

Friendships rely on very regular input, that's why school/uni/work relationships tend to flourish, you're thrown together for long periods of time, whereas a group (Meetup) you may only see that person once every few weeks, hardly a platform for a deep and meaningful eh?!

I grew up in London, and, despite its reputation for loneliness, I never feel alone in London, I only ever truly feel at home

@stayanotherday let's try and keep this thread going, as I think with the lockdown looming, it'll be a source of communication for all..so thank you

I don't know what research has to say but there must be a minimal interval for meeting up over a minimal length of time for a friendship to be able to form. I successfully made friends at baby groups which were weekly but with anything monthly or less I've always felt like I was starting over at each session.

I wonder if anyone knows of the Facebook group that was set up on a similar thread beforehand? Failing that, I have mine if people want to PM me.

I’m finding this thread really helpful, thank you OP.

My dad is dying in hospital, I am with him every day, and I don’t have a single friend to tell.

I’m not asking for posters to express sympathy at all, it’s just that I’m not sure how I ended up here.

That’s sounds a good idea, @JohnMcCainsDeathStare.

That's really hard sparkling. Life events definitely show who's there for always and who's there for the good times. Hope you have an ok weekend and that your dad is comfortable.

Thank you, Kitsch. 💜

One thing that is coming across a lot on here is a pattern of being very helpful, supportive friends, and then that support not being reciprocated. I‘m wondering if some of us are overly helpful/supportive and that this skews the friendship’s dynamics. I’m beginning to think I do that. Somehow being overly available to offer support devalues us as friends, and as people who also have needs and wants ourselves. I’m sure for many of us this behaviour stems from childhood experiences, of trying to cope by helping and people pleasing.

It took me years to understand that people would take endless support and kindness but feel no need to reciprocate when circumstances changed. I also wish I’d understood much earlier about ‘situational friendships’. Only heard the term on this thread.

@SparklingLime, when I was probably a bit too overly supportive I had quite a lot of one sided friendships. Now I'm not I can count the number of friends on one hand.

I'm not sure if anyone can relate but one thing that has happened to me very often in work situations is that I will work hard, do my best to add extra value then get treated very poorly by the boss. Nearly every single boss I have worked for has been a bully (I kid you not!). I then leave and then they are singing my praises. One boss who was absolutely awful to me was telling me I was a 'lovely lady' on my last day. I thought I was talking to a different person!

Sparkling I vividly remember when my parent was in the hospice and to my astonishment, one of my "closest friends" just disappeared.

This is someone who had been nagging me to move back home because she was lonely and had no other friends. She wanted someone to go to the pub with.

Well, I did have to move home, get a shitty last minute rental and quit my job in the city when my parent got bad and was admitted to the hospice back home. I was literally dying for a filthy pint to forget all the hellishness. So very open to a night out!

She answered my texts with "yes we must do that".

It was a terrible heartbreaking lesson to realise she just wanted me because I was funny. Or rather, WHEN I was funny. She didn't want a pint with someone who was spending hours every day in a hospice.

I felt like saying "But I promise I'll still be funny! I won't even mention them! I just need a friend! And a fucking pint! And to feel like I'm not alone! Even if it's fake"

God help me but if she'd offered me breadcrumbs I'd have taken them.

Now I think she did me a favour. Though at the time I was poleaxed. I stopped texting, curious how long it would take her. Well my parent died about a month later and I still hadn't gotten any contact. She never came to the funeral.

That was in October, and on NY Eve I got a text that said something like "Phew, what a year! Hope to see you soon. Xx"

Previous Me would have felt such relief. But Post Funeral Me looked at it and answered "Happy New Year to you and your family". No xxx, no eager grasping at straws.... Nothing.

Having someone dying really flattens the landscape. But afterwards there is a lot of clarity. She was the last "best friend" I had. I would never have another. Too much emotional draining, and too much emotional investing. Now I invest in myself instead and am in many ways glad I am not always worrying if I've upset someone/haven't made enough effort/havent made the right effort at just the right times/haven't been bubbly enough /have had the audacity to need support.

BTW I never heard from her again.

I obsessed about what she had felt throughout all of that for the next year solid. Why, why, WHY? Was it embarrassment? Did it get to a stage where it had just been too long and she felt awkward? Was she going through stuff I had no idea of and felt overloaded? But then I shook myself. I was asking for literally nothing other than a pint.

Bottom line: If someone has no interest in going for a pint (or a coffee) with you, they have no interest in YOU.

I'm in that FB group. You can PM for the link if you'd like it.

Yes, Elspeth, sounds familiar. I don't really do the best friend thing anymore, its probably more for younger women anyway. I still like to socialise sometimes, though a bit dififcult with COVID. But I don't invest.

Goodness, @ElspethFlashman, that is a horrendous experience. I’m so sorry. It’s the meanness that I can’t get my head around.

Yes, @dooratheexplorer, now that I see a little more how this works, I have backed off.

Actually I’ve noticed my mum doing something similar with friends - she is super nice with for example giving them things and trying to help them, but she doesn’t tell them much about what is really going on in her life, she likes to keep up appearances that all is fine. So she’s too nice but also kind of keeping them at arm’s length and so real intimacy doesn’t develop. She didn’t even tell a friend of hers that her husband was in hospital as she said she “didn’t want to get into it”. Bless her.

It seems that people think that bereavement is catching. When my dad died I did get support from surprising places but from some people whom I thought were close friends all I got was TUMBLEWEEDS. It makes me more circumspect about who I spend mental energy on these days....

Yes, and I’ve found the same with illness and caring responsibilities. It is so nice when someone unexpected is supportive though.

Itsall - now it's been confirmed for those of you living in England, absolutely and thank you! I love London too, it's much friendlier than it's given credit for. I always have a laugh and chat with strangers there. At least we can on here.

Snuggy - agree it's not enough time to build up a rapport. Weekly's far better and for those who need the company it's less time to wait.

John - think it was in chat. I'm not on social media but hope you find like minded people on there and at least we can all chat on here. You certainly find out who your friends are when things change.

Sparkling - understand but nevertheless I'm so sorry. Please feel free to vent on here. It's a shame nobody's reached out and totally get you don't want sympathy but it can be all consuming and it would be nice if your friends got in touch so you could talk about other things to take your mind off it for a bit. Get a bit of 'normality'. Hope you're also looking after yourself too. Thanks a lot.

Doora - it is odd. Some like to take advantage then are sorry when you're walking out the door as not everybody's like you and the slack will have to be taken up by them or other less accommodating people.

Elspeth - how awful. You just wanted normality, a change of scene and company. Nothing wrong with that. I've been there. Don't blame you for concentrating on yourself when others don't. You ask yourself why bother? It's not worth the hassle to invest, waste time and energy only to get hurt, wonder what happened and get nothing back when some are just self absorbed. I felt like that until lockdown and would have bothered with anybody who offered anything, a cup of tea, the rare text because it was better than nothing. Now, can't be bothered either. Your 'friend' might need you one day and you won't be there.

Interesting lots of us have had similar experiences, childhoods and are copers. Hope you've had a good day and thanks a lot. Did the shopping. Started the first OU assignment a fortnight ago but can't get to grips with it yet. Must finish it tomorrow. Something different to keep busy with on these long dark nights during lockdown at least!

I've found a British Sign language online course and signed up. It's only a few pounds. Something else to do while waiting for groups to reopen, might be useful and another string to the bow!

Elspeth “ It was a terrible heartbreaking lesson to realise she just wanted me because I was funny. Or rather, WHEN I was funny. She didn't want a pint with someone who was spending hours every day in a hospice.“

Yes , it grim. I had a friend who was questioning why I wouldn’t go out with her when dad was very ill in hospital. She said “it’ll be good for you” but she wanted a court jester.

Have to be so careful, it’s a nightmare.