Had enough of making all the effort and am going to become a hermit

[stayanotherday]

Hi

I'm a single woman (47) with no family.

I've been in the same job for 17 years, soon to be made redundant. Worked on a very friendly team for years. Worked hard but we all got on and had a laugh. Have also built up what I thought was a circle of good friends over the last 2 - 10 years by joining groups and doing voluntary work because it's wrong to feel lonely and not make efforts. No issues with neighbours but they keep to themselves.

Since lockdown we've been wfh. The office is closing anyway. I've messaged everybody about every 10 - 14 days just to say Hi and check in. I've asked now and then if they'd like to meet up for a (socially distanced!) coffee and if they were free for a chat on the phone which was declined.

I get people have their own lives and I've tried to balance caring enough without constantly demanding or bothering them. I also get it's a hard situation for all of us and everybody's struggling. There's been no arguments or unkindness but they just haven't bothered in return. Thought we were close but am shocked to realise that's not true and the friendship ends at the door.

I left it to see if anybody would get in touch since about a fortnight ago. They haven't. I've decided not to get in touch again. I don't want to be a needy nuisance and can't do anymore. It's not as if I've got nothing else to do as I've been applying for jobs, working, studying, shopping and doing housework.

I'm in a lockdown area so am limited for now but to be honest I've had enough of trying to make friends, ending up making all the effort and can't do it anymore. I hate being completely isolated and that it's come to this but I've been let down too many times in the past and I'm not being a mug anymore. It's knocked the sauce out of me.

The next few months will be interesting. I can work anywhere in the UK and might have to move to follow the work. If that happens I won't look back or bother with people anymore. It will be so hard but at least I'll know where I stand. Society didn't want me and now I don't want its pain anymore. No wonder we're such a lonely society. I don't know why I posted really, just wanted to put it somewhere.

Sorry for the essay and thanks for reading.

Some people do just have a sort of animal magnetism. DD2 really has it, it's such a gift. She is sunny, kind, self-deprecating and a natural comedian, people just fall about. DD1 and I are more just normal I guess, always get the odd person who takes against you, which is fair enough. It used to really bother me and then I'd try really hard to get them to like me, which is the worst thing you could do!

I’m quite good attracting friends but they are under the impression I’m a lot of fun, which is not true!

I’ve got one of those faces that makes people want to talk so I have worked hard on resting bitch face recently!

Oops - thanks a lot and hope you're okay. It is very sad. I don't think it's personal, more circumstances but if a short text every few weeks is too much to expect then yes, it's hurtful and disappointing.

Just heard I've been accepted to stay on for another six months. Thanks a lot for asking.

Bluebird - so sorry you've been let down many times. Don't blame you and couldn't have written your post myself. Yes, it's not what you want but it becomes too much in the end when it isn't even worth it. You're just asking for a bit of fairness. They've lost a good friend in you and glad you've got a family.

Yes, it is hard especially at first but you get used to it and make your own company. There's so much to enjoy and you're clearly aware of making the most of that. By the time people realise you've gone and need you, you're gone.

True they often don't and yet I respect their boundaries. You're right not to put up with unkindness and being let down again and again. Just a shame it came to that. Thanks a lot for being so kind.

Freshon - thanks very much and so sorry you can. It is very hard and you look back and feel sad when you realise you don't matter to those you cared hugely about. You're right, you can't and as time goes on and you become more self sufficient and used to your own company you realise you don't need it. It's a hard way to live but also liberating. No more being let down and used!

Snuggy - frightening how easy that can happen. Glad you have a DH.

Tigger - I don't have pets as lockdown aside, I've always worked full-time and gone travelling so couldn't look after them. Glad you have a dog and a few people to give you comfort but fair enough you don't rely on them. You clearly have the right idea!

The competitive element is very interesting. It can happen as a way of keeping us in our place.

Coffee - haven't seen The Crown but heard it's brilliant. There's been lots of publicity about it lately. Glad you're enjoying it and hope to start watching it myself soon as winter sets in! Hopefully we can compare notes!

Thanks so much for your lovely post. I'm really glad too as although it's a shame so many can relate, you're glad you're not alone and at least we can chat and have a laugh on here!

Completely understand that. Well done for seeking help and becoming self aware. That happened to me too. I didn't really have anybody in my 20's and now here we are again. It does rock your faith in human nature as much as you wish it didn't.

I find it with men too. I had a few male friends before lockdown who've disappeared. Yet they complained all the time of loneliness.

Yes, I look at others and wonder how they do it. You don't want to be a 'try hard' but you have to make efforts with others to be friends. It's puzzling.

Acorn - exactly. When you realise friendships aren't what you thought it's wise to step back to avoid being further hurt and take care of yourself. Even if they do come back you wonder if it'll be the same again when those friendships weren't as close as you thought.

It's true Tigger and Gracie. Some have the gift. If you make no efforts you can't expect anything but if you do you look desperate!

Acorn - exactly. Nothing wrong with somebody being or having fun but for somebody to be close friend there has to be more than that.

I have too and after what's happened, don't know if it's wise to have a friendly face either!

Thanks very much to all of you for keeping this going and being so kind. Hope you're all okay.

Good news, I'm staying on in work for another six months. Suits me to have a salary, wfh in a pandemic and have more time to look for a job. By June I'll have finished the degree for another year so can concentrate on whatever job comes up.

Had a tutorial tonight and have another one tomorrow night so will update as soon as I can but please feel free to keep the thread going.

@stayanotherday once I've finished watching The Crown I'm going to try The Queens Gambit (also on Netflix), its had rave reviews!

There must be something in the water:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a4080067-to-think-that-not-having-friends-isnt-that-unusual

I used to be almost proud of having no friends in school (that wasn't strictly speaking completely true) as I would see some interactions and think: That's a pretty low quality bar they have here - as in open shittalking in front of them type thing.

But I do sometimes envy that some people can just get on and make friends so quickly. I've often been the one to get people to meet up - only to be 'wendied' as it were. It's almost as if I'm around but not seen as a 'quality' friendship. This can be a thing if you are in a minority such as gaming or Sci-Fi - both of which I still am and have been as a child - 'friends' would lose interest if you aren't flirty or are clearly not going to have sex with them.

Coffee - heard about that as well. It has had great reviews and we need something interesting or fun to watch on these dark evenings! Have you seen Catastrophe and Shitt's Creek? They look fun. This is a great topic to keep this thread going. Thanks.

Well spotted. Thanks for the link. How interesting. What a timely thread and shows we're not alone. I think it wasn't so noticeable for most while life as we knew it went on but it's become prevalent in lockdown. It's also forcing us to look at our lives and put thing into perspective. Shame it affects so many.

John - I had the same growing up rurally. Found it and the people a bit limited, we had nothing in common. Some of us are different free thinkers and that's no bad thing but yes, you do fell an outsider and left out.

It's a shame that happened and they were convenient rather than true friendships. You and your hobbies sound cool.

stayanotherday lovely to have your response to my post, thank you. Another of my points is that I actually do know the difference between a good friend and one who isn't. Because I have had them in the past, but life's changes/location etc mean we drifted naturally.

I know because I had one dear friend who I used to see each week when we were both single and I was a single parent then. Friend found a partner and yet insisted I still came to see her as I did before, and then the pair of them would invite me for Sunday lunches now and then too. Sadly she has now passed away.

I also have read lately a quote about indifference [with regards to those who spare no thought for those who live alone, especially in these covid times]...
'whether it's incomprehension or cruelty, there's no difference in the end'...Tolstoy. Sums it up really.

That’s so sad that you lost your friend, @bluebird243. And that’s an excellent quote.

Bluebird - I second that, thanks a lot. How right you are. Sorry about your friend, they were clearly kind and generous people who saw outside their own lives. Of couse they had your friendship in return. It was mutual and I'm so glad you all had a close friendship.

Yes, we certainly do learn the difference over the years! I understand and respect other people's lives and circumstances. I never expect somebody to reply straightaway or meet up on my say so. If they're busy or are finding things hard, fair enough but when it goes on and it's clear it's becoming one sided there's only so many times you can reach out before you get fed up and walk away rather than get even more hurt. They could consider what it's like on the flip side, but they don't. And all for the sake of the occasional text!

Just watched Office Christmas Party on Film4. It was okay, a bit daft but some light relief. That's what we need right now. Must start on The Crown or something fun, after finishing the next assignment though!

Am I too late to jump on? I have been trying to reach out to old friends- the type that you don’t always speak to regularly but thought were there if you needed them and realised that all the conversations were very one sided. It’s made me realise that there is no one I would really call a friend anymore which has made me feel that there must be done thing wrong with me.

@Onthebrink67

Am I too late to jump on? I have been trying to reach out to old friends- the type that you don’t always speak to regularly but thought were there if you needed them and realised that all the conversations were very one sided. It’s made me realise that there is no one I would really call a friend anymore which has made me feel that there must be done thing wrong with me.

Hi! Of course it’s not too late.

It’s the loss of old friendships that’s hurt me the most too.

There’s a lot of us feeling similar, @Onthebrink67. Other similar threads on here atm, so it’s definitely not just you.

On the brink - no, never too late and you're very welcome here. That's a shame. Lockdown's highlighted this. I doubt it's you, seems to be a problem many of us have, especially now. There's plenty of company on here at least!

Hope you all have a nice weekend. I'm working on my two assignments due next month. Might as well start early while there's time! If there's chance will start watching The Crown as it sounds amazing, thanks Coffee! Must get out and go for a walk after being cooped up all work with work and bad weather. There's also the usual nonsense of houework and shopping to do. Even though lockdown's seemed long, the year's flown!

Thanks Acornautumn and sparklinglime. I have never been good at making friends(I don’t seem to give off the right vibes) but thought the ones I had valued my friendship. Where do you make friends in your 50’s?

Onthebrink - lots of us are in the same position. Hard isn't it? Lockdown limits things atm but I'm making a list of interests so when things change perhaps I can find a group with likeminded people. Could you do the same like a virtual book club or something interesting?

stayanotherday OP you've responded to everyone so nicely on this thread (which I have been stealth following) it really proves that being thoughtful doesn't necessarily equal having a lot of friends.

I think a lot of it depends where you live. I lived a few years in an expat community. It was entirely common for people to invite to play tennis or to share a meal within five minutes of meeting them. There was always some gathering or bbq to go to. You didn't need to put in months of effort just to meet up over coffee.

I currently live in a town where most people are married or have family locally or have their one or two buddies they do everything with. Or they are very religious and only associate with their church. It's nearly impossible to break into their friendship circles unless you want to join their -homophobic- church.

I am thinking of actually renting again in the city because of the above reasons. I moved out where I am to have a house for my DC but it has been extremely isolating for myself. I find people who have lived in the same place most of their life or have lots of family support have zero interest in making new social connections.

I would advise any single people to never make the mistake of moving to a city/town like mine!!

*oops my strike through of homophobic didn't work . oh and said homophobic because the largest congregation where I live used to say on their internet homepage that gay people would go to hell. They since removed it but only about a year ago. Not because I think all churches are like that..sorry if anyone got offended!!

user8888 Sounds an awful lot like Bedfordshire - it was very much like a place I used to live where people who had grown up there had no reason to make any more friends. My DH went to church and made some friends there but since I didn't - no friends for me.
I attempted to volunteer at a youth club but since they didn't do things like, uh any sort of oversight or talk to me I gave up - don't think they noticed!

I have found that in a city or place where there are universities there are more chances to connect - more places/things to do and a bigger variety of people.

I'll never live in a small, rural town again unless there are decent transport links.

JohnMc yep, same sort of volunteering stories here, too. Volunteered at a shelter and found the employees really unfriendly --- I was told if was because they thought I would try to take their jobs!! Volunteered at a historic site and although I repeatedly asked to join group efforts they kept relegating me to the most boring individual tasks. I came to the conclusion you needed to donate money, not just be a member to get the "better" volunteering jobs!!

I was planning to try to do some more activities this year to have another crack at things but most things haven't restarted. And I feel like I have lost all enthusiasm....

User - so glad you've joined and have followed. Thanks a lot for your really kind comments and good points. That's really kind. It would be unfair of me to moan nobody bothers, then ignore people! :)

True, I imagine with expats you're all in the same boat in unfamiliar surroundings and a different culture away from family and friends so you're thrown together and friendships form. I've backpacked many times, always alone and staying in hostels. Most are friendly and sometimes they hang out together. I've had meals and seen some of the sights with many of them. You also meet fascinating people from everywhere. It's very enriching.

Shame it hasn't worked out for you when you thought it would be a better place for your family. It does. I find places are either parochial like the one you live in and if you're an outsider you stay like that or they're incredibly friendly and have lots going on because they have to make things happen. When most are born and bred there they not only have their own history, they go back generations. Some you have to live there 20 years before you're a local! Thing is by the time you might be accepted your interest has gone.

That's horrifying from that church and very unwelcoming. It defeats the object too of being a caring community place of worship.

Understand you being discouraged at keeping on trying when you've made huge efforts only for them to repeatedly fall flat. It's not what you want but you just get fed up in the end. It's exhausting rather than fun.

Could you do things you want to do rather than join to make friends? That's what I'm looking at doing when restrictions lift. It's not that you mind helping and if you make a friend or friends along the way then great, but there's less expectation so if you don't you're not disappointed. You've also done the activity you were interested in.

OP Wow, thank you for responding.

That's great you've done a lot of backpacking -- you're obviously an open minded and a bit adventurous person. I believe you were wanting to move? Maybe you can find somewhere a bit more interesting (sorry it's a long thread to read back)

And - Absolutely the point of joining things should be personal enjoyment and interests. But I will admit to signing up for things in the past because I couldn't find much else to do where I currently live and I was bored out of my tree!! Archery anyone? lol

and now I need to try to sleep again (thanks insomnia...)

Definitely better to join things that you'd enjoy with or without good company. I'm very cynical about joining things you don't enjoy as a way to make friends though I've had many people tell me j should do so

Yes, by all means find new things to do but I'm never doing anything that I don't want to do on my own. The thing with volunteering it that it has to be something in your wheelhouse that is something you want to do on your own in in principle - you cannot rely on 'getting' other people.