Had enough of making all the effort and am going to become a hermit

[stayanotherday]

Hi

I'm a single woman (47) with no family.

I've been in the same job for 17 years, soon to be made redundant. Worked on a very friendly team for years. Worked hard but we all got on and had a laugh. Have also built up what I thought was a circle of good friends over the last 2 - 10 years by joining groups and doing voluntary work because it's wrong to feel lonely and not make efforts. No issues with neighbours but they keep to themselves.

Since lockdown we've been wfh. The office is closing anyway. I've messaged everybody about every 10 - 14 days just to say Hi and check in. I've asked now and then if they'd like to meet up for a (socially distanced!) coffee and if they were free for a chat on the phone which was declined.

I get people have their own lives and I've tried to balance caring enough without constantly demanding or bothering them. I also get it's a hard situation for all of us and everybody's struggling. There's been no arguments or unkindness but they just haven't bothered in return. Thought we were close but am shocked to realise that's not true and the friendship ends at the door.

I left it to see if anybody would get in touch since about a fortnight ago. They haven't. I've decided not to get in touch again. I don't want to be a needy nuisance and can't do anymore. It's not as if I've got nothing else to do as I've been applying for jobs, working, studying, shopping and doing housework.

I'm in a lockdown area so am limited for now but to be honest I've had enough of trying to make friends, ending up making all the effort and can't do it anymore. I hate being completely isolated and that it's come to this but I've been let down too many times in the past and I'm not being a mug anymore. It's knocked the sauce out of me.

The next few months will be interesting. I can work anywhere in the UK and might have to move to follow the work. If that happens I won't look back or bother with people anymore. It will be so hard but at least I'll know where I stand. Society didn't want me and now I don't want its pain anymore. No wonder we're such a lonely society. I don't know why I posted really, just wanted to put it somewhere.

Sorry for the essay and thanks for reading.

People probably don't want to chat because they have nothing to say. That's how I feel with friends at the moment anyway. We were having regular zoom calls to begin with but we are all pretty much eat sleep work go for a walk repeat. I'm not exactly sparkling company just now. Plus chatting on zoom is awkward and uncomfortable lots of people feel the same. And I have to do it for work, last thing I want is to be sitting at the computer again in the evening. It's not you, it's the situation.

@stayanotherday

Acorn - that sounds difficult. If this happens a lot sadly you don't sound much of a priority there as your efforts aren't returned. You were right not to call the landline in that case. I wouldn't have either and a text is enough.

Neither am I and don't blame you. Think I will if not this year, then next.

Sorry, I’ve explained myself badly

My best friend is not someone I feel is slipping away

I guessed she’d be sitting around drinking. I don’t have a problem with that, I don’t expect her to be on call 24/7.

I occasionally worry about what would happen to me if DH were to die.

Me too. I have a small circle of friends, but no family and it leaves me feeling vulnerable.

When all this is over, I am going to join a club or two

Same here, I’d love to join a choir.

@BobbinThreadbare123 please could you send me a PM with a link the the FB group?

Snuggy - exactly. As hard as it is to step back you can only do so much. It's wearing and you don't want to feel like a nuisance.

Gracie - fair points and thanks very much for saying that. People have run out of steam and completely understand why they don't feel like zoom and long chats after working all day when there's not much to say anyway!

I've just sent sent a short text message every 10 - 14 days to check on people and let them know they're in my thoughts. These are people I thought were close friends for 2 - 40 years. There's only so much I can do. The occasional text from them would have been welcome. That's all I would have liked and wrongly expected.

I've been isolated for most of my life and in the past was more of a people pleaser who would have done anything to maintain friendships. People generally took full advantage of that and took almost everything I had. Some used me very badly and threw it back in my face. I felt like a fool for having wasted time again and again thinking I had friends when I didn't. I was at best tolerated, rather than liked.

No more being a doormat. I understand people have their own lives and don't sit here with a spreadsheet but now I do so much. When no efforts are made in return, I stop. Thing is, I won't look at them in the same way again and won't be so available if at all. They'll wonder then why I'm distant! Just as well I've learnt to keep busy and make my own company over the years. However close you think you are to somebody, you aren't necessarily. No wonder I have trust issues and expect nothing from anybody! What a sad carry on though.

Acorn - sorry for misunderstanding and thanks for explaining. Glad your friend is staying in touch and that's decent and realistic of you.

I don't expect that either as I work and study so am not available all the time. We understand people have their own lives and need time out. As long as you hear now and then fair enough.

Coffee - it does. Lockdown's highlighted that. Well done for taking action looking to join things or at least when things change for the better. All we can do is make reasonable efforts.

@stayanotherday - I’m sorry to hear your longstanding friends have been so flaky. It’s so mean when you are on the receiving end of it isn’t it.
Have you heard about your job situation?

I've been very lonely in the past few years, but it has 'trained' me to be happier in my own company, to keep busy and not bother with those who aren't genuine. I haven't the energy.
I am content to be an introvert and so the lockdown has not made much difference to me isolation wise.
Also a people pleaser in the past I have recently walked away from the last 'friend' who I feel has used me, scoffed and snapped at me often in the past and did it once too often.
So really on my own after so much effort over the years to be and to have a good friend. I give up and completely understand those who do.
However I am older, I have AC's and GC's who are the only people worth bothering with, who treat me with respect.

And life's really ok. It just takes adjustment after the decision to distance from those who do not appreciate us, who make us unhappy etc...and time get used to the benefits. No more being disappointed, being in the wrong and no more wondering if anyone would visit. No invites turned down. No expectations and now the master of my well being.

Sorry OP that you probably know how 'friends' let us down. I admire your determination to refuse to tolerate bad manners and indifference towards your thoughtful communication efforts. Other people can indeed be hurtful and thoughtless. As a single person living on my own I am astounded how those with partners and daily company do not get don't care what it is like not to have that.

Feel exactly the same OP. In fact I had literally just decided not to bother anymore and then I read your post...it’s nice to know I’m not alone but it’s quite hurtful isn’t it? I’ve considered some colleagues friends and been there for them many times when they’ve needed a chat or were feeling down. Lockdown hits and I’ve barely heard a thing. As sad as it sounds I’ve now realised that being ok alone is most important of all. Can’t depend on anyone in reality, and even if you’re married you could face being cheated on and all other manner of shit.

I hear you and understand! X

@bluebird243 I think you have to live through the loneliness to really understand it. Those with partners will never be able to properly understand until they experience it.

Fair point Freshon ...in my case though I was thinking of people I know who have experienced periods of time [in between relationships/after a divorce for eg.] before they met new partners. I would have thought they would have some understanding/memory of how it is for singles.

But they're ok now, so no.

@bluebird243 do you think people just forget? I find it astonishing too. I like to think I’d never neglect a friend in this situation, in fact in the past I’ve been very attentive when I’ve thought someone was lonely. I think people can be quite selfish sometimes and just don’t have the emotional understanding to consider how someone may be feeling. It’s rubbish.

My life is much better now with regards to this but I don't think I'll ever forget those five or so years of constant trying and failing to find my tribe and feeling desperately lonely and hopeless. It freaks me out how if me and DH hadn't got married and had the opportunity to move somewhere else I'd still be in that situation.

How many on this thread have a dog or cat and/or a lodger? I honestly don't ever feel lonely as I have shared bodily warmth when I want it (with the dog, not the lodger, behave!) and someone who can run to the shops if I'm ill (the lodger, not the dog, keep up!). I therefore just don't agonise about friends, they're a nice-to-have, not a must-have for me.

Admittedly I have DC, a DF still (just) alive and a sort of DP, so people who love me even if they don't live with me. But I kind of feel the dog is central to my emotional wellbeing day-to-day.

Just wondering what others thought.

I’ve just started watching the new series of The Crown, it’s awesome! Just thought I would mention it !!

Tigger, I have always had a cats.

Great post, @TiggerDatter I am much happier when I have cats in the house. Unfortunately I don’t at the moment, but soon. Interesting about the lodger, presumably there’s a lot of luck in finding someone liveable with who will exchange favours?

I don’t know about luck re lodgers, @SparklingLime, I’m on my third and they’ve all been lovely - tidy, polite and kind. They’ve all been mid 20s women (I would fight would someone my own age and I couldn’t have a strange man in the house). They’ve all essentially been loners though the last one met the love of her life while living here and happily moved out with him. So I guess I look for a type of person that i know I’m compatible with. The money is handy too, up to £7500 per year tax-free!

@stayanotherday I’m so glad you started this thread. Even though I’m in a good place now, I had a dreadful period of loneliness/isolation in my 20s, which still haunts me, to the point that I had counselling recently, to try and lay it to rest. The ‘re-build job’ was so damn hard, and even now I’m still very aware of needing to fortify my networks, just in case a nasty twist(s) of fate knocks me back to square one. I find myself assessing practically every acquaintance, to see if they’re friend potential, and sadly I suspect that even if I had a million friends I’d still feel vulnerable.

[quote Coffeepot72]@stayanotherday I’m so glad you started this thread. Even though I’m in a good place now, I had a dreadful period of loneliness/isolation in my 20s, which still haunts me, to the point that I had counselling recently, to try and lay it to rest. The ‘re-build job’ was so damn hard, and even now I’m still very aware of needing to fortify my networks, just in case a nasty twist(s) of fate knocks me back to square one. I find myself assessing practically every acquaintance, to see if they’re friend potential, and sadly I suspect that even if I had a million friends I’d still feel vulnerable.[/quote]
I feel a bit like this

In reality, I’ve lost two close friends since lockdown but the impact on my life seems more.

It’s possible that they will reappear but I obviously don’t count on it.

So I have an eye out to fortifying networks as well.

I have no idea why forming platonic friendships with other women is so damn hard?? Noting this is the whole point to this thread .....

The patriarchy is at play here in making female friendships hard - growing up, I for one was encouraged to see other females as competition (in respect to 'fighting' over men) and as weak and untrustworthy. Neither of my female role models (DM and DGM) had female friends or even liked women. It has taken me years to debunk those myths in my own mind, but they do linger.

It seems that only some of us find it hard though? Some people just seem to attract friends without trying. Or maybe we fail because we are trying, and that seems to repel? But then if we didn't try nothing would ever be achieved??!

Maybe 'repel' is too strong a word - but you get the gist.

I have lots of friends but I never try to make friends. To be honest that concept is alien to me, and I think I do feel repelled if I detect that someone is 'trying' to be friends with me. That may sound a bit brutal, but it's said with love. Sadly I really think the key to making and keeping friends is not to need them, ie to have a centre of emotional wellbeing that is not reliant on other people. Like a dog! Then people flock to you (or maybe to your dog )