Had enough of making all the effort and am going to become a hermit

[stayanotherday]

Hi

I'm a single woman (47) with no family.

I've been in the same job for 17 years, soon to be made redundant. Worked on a very friendly team for years. Worked hard but we all got on and had a laugh. Have also built up what I thought was a circle of good friends over the last 2 - 10 years by joining groups and doing voluntary work because it's wrong to feel lonely and not make efforts. No issues with neighbours but they keep to themselves.

Since lockdown we've been wfh. The office is closing anyway. I've messaged everybody about every 10 - 14 days just to say Hi and check in. I've asked now and then if they'd like to meet up for a (socially distanced!) coffee and if they were free for a chat on the phone which was declined.

I get people have their own lives and I've tried to balance caring enough without constantly demanding or bothering them. I also get it's a hard situation for all of us and everybody's struggling. There's been no arguments or unkindness but they just haven't bothered in return. Thought we were close but am shocked to realise that's not true and the friendship ends at the door.

I left it to see if anybody would get in touch since about a fortnight ago. They haven't. I've decided not to get in touch again. I don't want to be a needy nuisance and can't do anymore. It's not as if I've got nothing else to do as I've been applying for jobs, working, studying, shopping and doing housework.

I'm in a lockdown area so am limited for now but to be honest I've had enough of trying to make friends, ending up making all the effort and can't do it anymore. I hate being completely isolated and that it's come to this but I've been let down too many times in the past and I'm not being a mug anymore. It's knocked the sauce out of me.

The next few months will be interesting. I can work anywhere in the UK and might have to move to follow the work. If that happens I won't look back or bother with people anymore. It will be so hard but at least I'll know where I stand. Society didn't want me and now I don't want its pain anymore. No wonder we're such a lonely society. I don't know why I posted really, just wanted to put it somewhere.

Sorry for the essay and thanks for reading.

Well, I’m done. The couple of acquaintances who I thought were becoming lowkey friends over the summer, have gone silent. This has happened too many times before for me to put it down to the current unusual pressures. It’s clearly something I do (or don’t do). I do feel the benefit of casual social interactions such as the odd chat in a shop etc, and I volunteer but that is online now. I’m not usually this defeatist, but unless I was to start therapy and get to the bottom of what’s going on in, I’m done.

SparklingLime “ It’s clearly something I do (or don’t do)”

I doubt it. A lot of people just aren’t fussed about friends. Please don’t decide there’s something wrong with you, I’m sure there isn’t!

I’m trying to be open-minded about it, @AcornAutumn, but may be it is me. Some people just aren’t great company - and I’m clearly not. That doesn’t mean I have to be devastated, but I’d rather be realistic about it. These people were definitely looking for friends having left relationships/moved to a new area. They’ve been making arrangements on group chats. All in all it’s a pretty clear message.

I also think it can be a issue if you are in an area where people are somewhat 'I've got all the friends I need'. I suspect that can be a issue if you are more openminded and outgoing than others around you.

Mind you, there are some people I need to contact who did contact me over the summer - I did vent somewhat on facebook - more for my sakes really. It seems I have an issue where people cannot see me as being more like them than 'wierdo gonkey butt-monkey they only want around to feel better about themselves' or 'unsettling intellectual super-being' (it is one hell of a whiplash if you have these two interactions ON THE SAME DAY).

I wonder if some of this is not just lockdown fatigue but people realising that the friends weren't all that. It was depressing when it turned out that LARP was the glue and without it many friendships just died. THe same could be said for drinking say.

Sparkling and Stayanotherday - you both seem like really nice people - don't let others get you down. Same to anyone else.

There might be some truth in the saying if wherever you go, everybody being an arsehole means you could be the arsehole but it is possible to be at a place in life or location where it doesn't fit and you run out of friends. If you treat people as you want to be treated yourself and are considerate, it's not you that is the problem living in Bedfordshire was

Acorn - good idea and fair enough. You don't mind helping genuine people out but like you said upthread, there are limits and you rightly don't want to be put upon.

Whatis - that's fair as you do a demanding job and are peopled out after it. You find online easier because you're in control and it's what you can manage. Nothing wrong with that and being honest about your limitations. Perhaps you'll have more time in future if circumstances change.

Sparkling - so sorry. Please don't think that, you're great and have made every effort while having a lot on your plate. That's something to be proud of even if it doesn't seem that. Completely agree with Acorn and John. I think it's more the way society is now rather than it being you. A number of us on here can relateand it seems haven't found our people. We can only do so much. People have to meet you halfway.

People tend to stay in their own little bubbles and groups. Many don't want to make mutual efforts. Also, with the internet many like to keep their options open. You have us on here. It's not you at all!

John - great points as ever. Thank you and you're lovely and very intelligent.

Yes, most like to stay in their comforts zones and conform. Birds of a feather. Understand that as I'm the "odd duck" for want of a better phrase.

I think it's a mixture of both. People have had time to restock and look at things. Maybe the friendships were one sided, not suitable, had problems or just were just there out of habit so it's been easier to let things drift. People have also run out of things to say, aren't meeting up or going out much and are consumed by their own lives. As well as that, it's out of sight out of mind. Completely agree that sometimes it's just a case of not fitting in with those around you.

I thought today that if anybody I thought was a friend does get in touch I'll be polite but don't think it'll be the same again. Nobody's been horrible or anything and I get it's just the situation we're at now as there was no problem before, but you question if you got it wrong all along and thought there was more to the friendships than there really were.

I’ve just had a ‘Sorry I’ve been neglecting you‘ text.
That really is the kiss of death. I feel like a drooping pot plant

Sparkling - that's such a pity. They sound guilty but no enquiry as to how you are or offers to phone. At least you can be proud you did everything you could, know where you stand and can spend the time on yourself and making new friends. How about you treat yourself tonight with chocolate and a glass of something? You really deserve that.

Hiya,

I will check out the Facebook group again - thing is it's hard what with doomscrolling and the whole Cambridge Analytica thing and all that.

I sometimes worry if I'm that friend who never keeps in touch either - can be hard to read people since I'm ND.

Hi'ya John, good for you. You've nothing to lose by trying. I'm not on social media because what you've just said would make me feel worse but if you can find some good in it, why not?

You're very self aware and sensitive to things in a good way which would suggest you're a good friend. In return genuine friends would respect your limitations. As long as you spell them out so they understand, there's no room for them to think if there's a pause in communications it's not that you don't care.

@SparklingLime

I’ve just had a ‘Sorry I’ve been neglecting you‘ text. That really is the kiss of death. I feel like a drooping pot plant

Am I being naive? That doesn’t sound bad?

I thought it didn’t sound bad as well @AcornAutumn, but without context it’s hard to say.

It's really awkward trying to get across that you need some sort of relationship input from a friendship without coming across as needy. It even feels like you're not supposed to admit to needing friends sometimes.

It is awkward but please try if you can. You'll be no worse off than you are now :)

I’m feeling like a Saturday night Billy no mates, can’t get anyone on the phone though they’re probably watching Strictly!

I Ah ree, @AcornAutumn and @TiggerDatter, it could be an OK thing to say - it’s totally dependent on the context. In a relatively new, low-key friendship it really felt like, ‘Oh, OK, I’m seen as an obligation.’ Which was a horrible realisation. But also that’s just my perception and as a pp said, the over-thinkers tend to have more friendship issues, the happy go lucky people are easier to be around.

• I agree...

You tried Acorn and that's an achievement. You have us to talk to at least!

I didn’t think of it as an achievement p, I just texted three if my regulars to see if anyone was around for a chat and didn’t even get replies, which is unusual.

It’s always lovely to talk to you all

I did another two hours on my keyboard instead.

I call that the 'triple crown' when I ring 3 people on contacts to chat and get answerphone each time.

I don’t phone, I text.

Got two replies this morning. Of course if anyone was busy socialising they can’t really say that in the current climate.

Acorn - they could have just been tired, ill or busy with other things at the time but glad two replied. You can't do anymore. At least we can all chat on here :) I agree, it's just getting on with it and finding ways to keep busy.

John - never heard of that. That's interesting.

I don't work weekends so have been doing housework, shopping, online shopping and OU work.

I wrote Christmas cards weeks ago but as I've heard nothing I don't want to be nasty but am unsure whether to bother tbh.

Turns out the closest friend was just sitting and drinking. She does drink a lot. I do know to call the landline if there’s an emergency, which obviously this wasn’t.

I stopped sending Xmas cards years ago. I’m not religious though.

Acorn - that sounds difficult. If this happens a lot sadly you don't sound much of a priority there as your efforts aren't returned. You were right not to call the landline in that case. I wouldn't have either and a text is enough.

Neither am I and don't blame you. Think I will if not this year, then next.

I think you sometimes need to set limits on how much effort you are going to make. Repeated trying and failing in this area left me really burnt out and I'm much more careful.