To think dp is making a mug out of me?

[BritishIdiot]

Bit of background, dp and I have been together almost 5 years, we have 2dc. We don't live together - his choice entirely. He decided to buy a house last year when I was pregnant for his older son and they now both live in it, but that's a whole other thread! (Please bare in mind his son contributes towards the mortgage and bills.)

He earns well in advance of 50k. I work part time and rely on tax credits. He does contribute reasonably towards the dc every month.

He works Monday to Thursday nights, will sleep at his house until he wakes then comes to mine for a few hours until he leaves for work, he will stay at weekend too.

Anyway now to the point! He contributes very very little towards bills and food. He puts the heating on, has showers, always always cooking something. He can't have cereal for breakfast and something light for lunch, it has to be a fry up then something cooked for lunch like fajitas or he'll eat leftovers I'm saving, then a cooked dinner, followed by eating most of the cake I made oh with ice cream etc. He'll make his lunch for work (leaving us a stale crust and finishing the ham), will eat what we're eating for dinner then take plenty to work (I like to save some to freeze for lazy days!) He'll use bottles of mayo, jars of jam, blocks of butter, packets and packets of biscuits, he eats the kids snacks constantly plus takes them to work, drinks their fruit juice, eats their yoghurt, drinks the cans of drink I buy for my teenager, it's honestly never ever ending. Always helps himself to seconds of dinner, will put the biggest steak on his plate etc. I even buy his beer!! I pay for all of this, all the bills, the rent, all the food and drinks, everything. He contributes £100 a month - IF I ask several times. This month I got nothing as it was our dds birthday so his money went towards that apparently, but yet I still spend hundreds a month on food and he's still eating it.

I've mentioned it to him he says "so you're charging me for eating a packet of crisps and boiling the kettle are you? I bought the pizza last week."

AIBU to think he's a freeloading piss take or am I just bitter???

Given how bad this is there must be something in your mind or your situation stopping you from ending the relationship, never letting him in your house ever again, claiming CMS and sending the kids to him every other weekend. Whatever that is, how will you fight it in yourself?

He doesn't have a key never has. I thought if he chooses not to live with us he's not having a key.

I don't live at his because it's 20 miles away from my teenagers school.

For those who mention sex, he doesn't get it as and when at all. I have some issues after having my baby that requires surgery and I'm not going to degrade myself by sleeping with a man who talks to me like dirt. I guess it's part of the slow process of letting go. I'm very confused.

I'm GLAD I can see it now.

@BritishIdiot Exactly, you're not stupid, you're the opposite of stupid. I had a bloke manipulate me. When I realized, a friend said 'you must feel so stupid' (she was trying to be empathetic, not nasty or anything I think.) I honestly had never thought of the situation as meaning I was stupid, I saw it as being impressive that I saw the light, when I had been so manipulated into thinking he was a friend and indispensible.

Don't call yourself an idiot, you're not. xxxx

Just get it over with and dump him. By text if it's easier. Just end it already.

Sending my support OP. It’s easy to be manipulated over time with promises of things will get better and a carrot dangled of whet you want.

Wishing you strength

@BritishIdiot. Good news on the key. You really do just need to send him an email telling him it's all over and not to contact you unless it's about the children.

How about tomorrow? You could be free of this parasite by the weekend.

Please ignore the posts that aren’t helpful. Many posters on here however can see how this situation could happen. How an intelligent and vibrant woman can be manipulated and ground down to the point of questioning themselves and feeling like a work out husk.

We know this of course because many of us have been on your shoes, and with help have moved on past these worthless emotional vampires and found ourselves again. He absolutely is not worth the time and mental energy he sucks out of your life, the conflict and the stress.

I’m a better, calmer, happier person and far more patient, fun mum as a single person.

Time to break free of your bonds and cut the dead weight loose.

Worn out

Gosh OP you sound so bruised. Ditch the wanker and live a happy life. You will get a new lease. You are already getting a new lease it looks!

I'm not sure what people having a go at the OP for having children with him are trying to achieve.

The children are here, she can't shove them back up, so your purpose is presumably only to kick a woman when she's down. Nice.

She isn't the first and she won't be the last to have been led to believe that things would be different if XYZ.

How would ending the relationship work. I assume he would tantrum and generally be a pain in the arse.

@BritishIdiot just wanted to offer a handhold. It’s easy for the MN Armchair Warrior Brigade to run their mouths but there are lots of us out here who will lend a friendly ear. You WILL get through this xxx

I’m sorry that some of these replies haven’t been that kind.

Sometimes people struggle to understand how people end up in the situations that they are in.

This doesn’t sound like a relationship that is good for you or the DC and it sounds like you have coped for a long time on your own so getting rid of him will not create any more work for you. You already have your own place and will have more money coming in to spend on less.

You can do this on your own no problem. Keep yourself busy and distracted in the early days, start doing workouts from home, redecorate, spring clean, take up a new hobby etc but do something to take your mind off him.

You don’t need him anymore! Good luck with the rest of your life! You deserve way more than this. Sending strength.

You know what the problem is? It has been such a slow drip of disrespect that nothing has really slapped you in the face yet and made you REALLY angry. You're getting there, but not quite. When you connect to your previous self and realise that you would not (probably) let a friend treat you that way, when you reconnect to yourself respect, you will get angry and it will galvanize you into action!

You haven't said anything good about him. It sounds like you're dreading when he comes over. He treats you like you're the other woman he had children with and there doesn't seem to be much togetherness in your relationship. If he earns 50k he can contribute more towards your bills. If he doesn't it sounds to me like he simply doesn't want to commit to you despite having children with you. He's holding you at arms length and bedgrudges 'paying for you' because he doesn't see you as his partner. You are a mate he helps out a little every now and again because you happened to have given birth to his children. As I said, there's no sense of togetherness here.

Use the excuse of Covid to get some distance to start with. Tell him you've been in contact with someone who has it so you and the kids will be isolating for two weeks and he can't come round. Then you can work towards being ready to say you now prefer it without him!

Wow OP, I am amazed because I lurked on here for years before ever posting, and this is still one of the most shocking things I have read on here.

This awful man has done a number on you. He really has conditioned you to want to expect so little. I’m so sorry, this is just so wrong.

Some pp have already given some good advice on how to move forward, and I guess on one level, it’s good that you have your own place, he pays maintenance etc. But you must cut off this “relationship”. It’s so deeply unfair to you and your DC to be in this situation.

Wishing you strength - you will have a great life without him x

There's literally nothing to be confused about OP, he's shown you exactly who he is.

Brings nothing to the table but problems. You're doing yourself a huge injustice by staying with him.

Absolutely no way you should be entertaining this shit.

Op I offer no wise words of wisdom that you've not already read on here. I'm glad you've opened your eyes and can now see how you're being wrongly treated.

You're going to go through a wrath of emotions and eventually be angry. You have the (mostly) supportive people of mumnset on here that will gladly hold your hand during the next few turbulent months.

What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger and you will emerge from this mess an even stronger woman.

I wish you all the best OP and look forward to your updates.

You can do this!

He's taking the piss out of you...treating you like a bloody hotel.....kick him to the curb

Hi OP,

I am sorry to hear what you have been going through. You need kind words and support, I hope you have family and friends who can be there for you in real life.
You have already realised that this excuse for a man is a user and wants everything on his terms.
I hope you soon have the strength to tell him it is over and start sorting out proper maintenance. I hope he will step up and want to see the DC’s regularly at his house of course.
You can get through this and things will get better

He doesn't have a key never has. I thought if he chooses not to live with us he's not having a key.
That's the most sensible thing you have done .
Then all you need to do is not let him in happy days .

You've all given me so much strength. I need to let him go for myself and my children. I've clung onto wanting us to be a family, in truth I'm just a stepford wife, it's his way or no way. He's poisenus, vile but he creates this facade that it's going to be okay. I've posted for advice here before.

Last year our then 18 month old son was in hospital, very very poorly, we almost lost him to sepsis (even now beeping sounds make me panic). In hospital I didn't sleep for 4 nights and asked him to bring me something to eat - he bought me a stone cold macdonalds hamburger. I got home to piles of washing, dirty laundry, dirty plates expecting me to do it. While we were in hospital all he cared about was football constantly pestering my daughter for the laptop password so he could watch it then he'd fall asleep. (He told me previously football means more to him than me) Every night I lay next to my boy who was clinging on for life because of sepsis, and he'd come home and just fall asleep.

Last year when I was heavily pregnant he was that nasty to me I was literally on the floor having panic attacks, he'd just stand over me, watching and smirking.

Still pregnant at this time. My very protective beautiful mum had a serious heart condition, she could've died at a moments notice. I was on the phone to him he was raging he couldn't take our son to a party as he was vomiting, at the same time he needlessly scared my mum saying "have you heart from British I can't get hold of her". Just to upset me as revenge. Utter poisen.

Christmas eve (still pregnant) he was scarily horrible so I told him to stay away as I didn't want to ruin it for my dc, he told me he fucking hates me and were over. Boxing day he had to take me to hospital, potential early labour, on the way to the hospital he was screaming I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU. No early labour but baby's heartbeat wasn't right, wonder why. He didn't care.

3 days after my csection plus sterilisation he called me pathetic for wincing in pain as I was walking up the stairs. We had to take the baby for a jaundice check, on the way he was saying he hates me, he had kids with the wrong woman, now I'm not pregnant he doesn't have to be so nice. (he wasn't anyway)

He said if I get sterilised he will to be sure. He hasn't of course, he has no intention to. It was just to make sure I do and I believed him.

Everything has to be about him, if it's not or he doesn't get his way he ruins it, he tantrums. Every birthday, Xmas, mother's day, he ruins.

There's zero empathy, no compassion, no care, no support.

Hes actually evil writing it all down. The mask slips and I see the real him. So many more thing, so so many. I'm so tired of it all. I'm a shell of a person.

And another thing he always minimises my feelings, I'm being sensitive or I'm over reacting. Then he'll deflect the blame onto me for his wrong doings.

Your recent posts are appalling to read OP, he has been subjecting you to abuse for a long time. Please get in contact with women’s aid, they will help you.