Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thanks all. @Wanttobeonabeach - I had exactly the same thing - I think it's a pattern. It's hard to realise that the reason they don't say the truth is that they know you don't want to hear that. They know women want to hear that they want a relationship so that's what they say - they say the exact thing that gets them further along and gets them what THEY want - they are not thinking at ALL about the impact this has on the other person.

Me BeachHut just messaged. They always come back.

I liked him, he was going through some shit and I do feel for him. I told him the truth and said if you'd have just spoken to me about the circumstances I'd have understood but ghosting me means I know that's your blueprint when you can't deal with your emotions, so I'll never fully trust you won't do it again.

Well put craving

I just matched with a Dean but he looks lovely and smiley. So we will see. 😁😁😁

craving 🤞here’s hoping for a dashing dean date!

Thanks @Bunkbedpeople I like the idea of a Dashing Dean Date.

@Wasail how was the walk??

Taking a “contact step back” with MrCountry - got a 4am “how are you” message as he’d finished something at work and was taking a break and just sent a cute selfie and a smiley face back. Will let him take the lead in arrangements for his return and not overfunction.

It’s hard for me striking the right communication balance - I was quite intellectually lonely growing up (due to a number of things like ASD and feeling I was in the wrong job socialising with the wrong people most of the time)

So I used to think if I was successfully dating someone I had to share everything and completely connect intellectually all the time.

And they’d be THE PERSON who would get me.

But I think maybe that was a bit of a
naive expectation - I’m quite thoughtful, I can express myself now in terms of work, I can do things solo, and maybe someone I “fancy and get on with” is more realistic? 🤔

I understand @Bunkbedpeople - I would love an intellectual, physical and emotional connection.
Maybe you are right getting on well and fancying then is maybe enough.

No Dashing Dean Dates here... he's already unmatched me 😂😂😂

@cravingthelook thanks for asking. We had a lovely walk along the coast. It was really hilly so I might have had a bit of a glow on but then so did he. Pasties and tea from a flask while we watched the world go by. We followed up with a pint while two exhausted dogs rested on our laps.
Nice hug and gentle kiss in the car park. He has been messaging me today and all seems fine for a third date. I'm rather hoping for a grown up meal but in the current circs that may be optimistic. Either way it'll probably be a couple of weeks as I'm hoping to move house within the next week and he has his kids next weekend.
I have taken a break from the apps for now as I don't have the brain space for multiple dating.
What a shame Dean un matched. Dashing dean could have been the next thread title, redeeming Deans everywhere!

I've got someone messaging me who's stuck in London and can't go back to his country because of Covid. That's 130 miles away from me. What's the point of that?!

And his profile is his full name but he does not come up on fb so I wonder if he's for real. Does anyone know how I can do a reverse search for his picture on an android phone?

@WeWantTheFinestWines

I've got someone messaging me who's stuck in London and can't go back to his country because of Covid. That's 130 miles away from me. What's the point of that?!

And his profile is his full name but he does not come up on fb so I wonder if he's for real. Does anyone know how I can do a reverse search for his picture on an android phone?

Why bother?

Through sheer curiosity and boredom vangoghsdog

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Tineye.com is a reverse search

I generally do first name/location/job title LinkedIn search as well? Phone number search on google.

What’s weird is the two guys who had clear photos of their children/babies/wives on WhatsApp profile photos

No attempt to conceal it. What the fuck did they think would happen?

“Oh yes, your profile and three lines of riveting chat have made me want a torrid physical affair with you. I’ll work round your marriage, don’t worry”

Bunkbedpeople I decided it was unrealistic to look for a total emotional, intellectual and physical connection and thought it would be OK to just settle for someone whose company I vaguely enjoyed.....but in my experience it just doesn't seem to work! Unless it's someone completely on the same wavelength, they just get freaked out by me . (Another bitter Aspie here ).

Speaking of wavelengths, I've been talking to someone from Fab for at least 6 bloody weeks, with the messages getting longer all the time...it's obviously got past the point of just arranging a hook up. He's single, looking for a relationship too, and we have a LOT in common. We haven't met up because he's been in Wales, but he should be coming back next week (possibly with about 30 seconds to spare before they impose lockdown) because he's buying a house back down here.

(sigh) I HATE this kind of scenario, when you get your hopes up! What's the betting that, when we meet, one or other of us will be like "Oh, fuck no!" ?

@cravingthelook

It’s tough isn’t it? I sometimes struggle because I think my outer appearance doesn’t necessarily chime in with my internal intellectual life.

And there’s a lot of pressure on women to “take on roles in relationships - comforter/social organiser” that I simply can’t do easily. I mask incredibly well but feel like I’m in a play looking in from the outside a lot of the time.

Man plans god laughs...

but at this moment in time I’d be happy with expressing myself intellectually through work and solitary hobbies and writing overlong overthinking posts on mumsnet and having a bloke who is a bit more emotionally adept than me and just supportive and a good person for the other stuff. Not be afraid of loneliness.

@cravingthelook

If he’s buying a house close to you then maybe worth keeping on your radar, even if nothing happens soon?

You're getting your cra posters mixed up I think bunkbed....I'm crackofdoom!

And there’s a lot of pressure on women to “take on roles in relationships - comforter/social organiser” that I simply can’t do easily. I mask incredibly well but feel like I’m in a play looking in from the outside a lot of the time.

^This. COMPLETELY this. My entire bloody life. This is the reason I'm so bitter- I see men being socially and emotionally enabled in relationships all the time, and it is something I so desperately need myself, but as a woman I'm supposed to be the enabler, and it's not really something I can (or want to) do.

I read something a while back that struck a horrible chord- about an autistic woman who said that men always seem to see her as some kind of manic pixie dream girl, and then get nasty and quite abusive when she turns out to be quite a complex, damaged woman with needs.That cut deep. I think on initial meeting I can come across like that- all kooky and bubbly, because when I'm enthused I'm so brimming with childlike enthusiasm I'm pretty much bouncing off the walls. And the men who get drawn to that can get disillusioned when they discover my solitary, cerebral, critical side .

Ah, the man from Wales (he's not getting a name yet!) is imminent! We're discussing plans to meet for a coffee this week, with an option on next weekend if we're mutually keen

(I really bloody hope we are. I haven't had any action for weeks and weeks- I was supposed to be spending this coming weekend with MrBigCityBoy, but he's just cancelled for pretty plausible- sounding Covid related reasons. And then he's going away for 2-3 months ).

In other news, I have just managed to get a Karl Marx quote into a flirtatious exchange of one liners with someone on Fab. #skills

@crackofdoom

#datingappgoals

Started talking to a seemingly normal potential iron this evening on
Hinge and we moved over to Instagram. Thats where it started to turn sexual, he has said what he most misses about dating is the intimacy and sex and then sent me three messages about a bikini picture I have on there with the last one asking if I would have let him take it off. Hasn't replied since I told him I hardly thought that was appropriate to ask a woman he has never met.

A local pub has decided to get a heated marquee and I think are going to supply blankets for people sitting outside (I would take my own anyway) so that might become another option for me in terms of outside dates. Although the few potential irons I have spoken to aren't going to follow the rules and just carry on as normal

So I’ve not posted for a couple of weeks. I got some great advice to sort my profile out. I continued to be very very picky about who I matched with and even pickier when I started to talk to them.

There is one that got through all of this to a date. It was amazing. I was totally myself and we just laughed for hours. We have now had 4 dates and they have been great but my ex has decided to cause a while host of issues this week despite 3 weeks ago saying I had to move on(I already had but bit my tongue). My issue is that if I’d known this before I wouldn’t have started dating as he’s so controlling and is now refusing to sort the divorce papers. I don’t want a huge fight I just want to be free from his control. I ended up filling in a police log as he’s threatened me. Logic says that I should stop dating and just wait but I’m so fed up of him controlling my life. Also, the connection I have on every level with Mr Engineer I’ll call him is immense. It may turn to nothing and I went in just wanting a few dates not expecting anything else to happen (especially with all the stories), but I would at least like the opportunity to find out. I told him the situation in the end to be totally transparent and he just said he understands but he would still like to see me as long as I feel ok to.

I feel torn between the fear of what my ex is capable of doing and what I actually want. It’s just not the way to start dating really. It’s been several months since the split so not a really new thing. Any tips?

@Awholenewlife123 why let your ex impact your life anymore? Mr Engineer sounds great, you are feeling it and so is he and he knows the situation. Don't let something good go because a shitty ex is still trying to control you, if you do you've given him the power again. Keep your power, just ignore his shitty behaviour and as you say get the authorities to deal with it if it escalates. You need to be in control of your life, not him.

@Awholenewlife123
I'm sorry your ex is being a twat.
My husband was the same, all friendly and nice until he realised i had met someone.
He stalked and harassed me for 3 months, in that time he messaged 1000's of times a day, put a tracker in my car, entered my house and took personal stuff, attempted suicide 3 times and slashed a tyre on Mr K's van.

Reporting to the police is the correct thing to do, log everything with them.

Also get some boundaries in place, i gradually reduced the ways my ex could contact me until he now only contacts me by email and is only permitted to discuss our daughter or finances.

It doesnt matter that your ex wont sign the divorce papers, you can get a hearing and a judge can sort it anyway.

Remember DARVO, just ignore him and dont engage with anything.

I would tell my ex not to discuss our marriage in phone calls but her persisted so i gave him 1 chance and then i would hang up, he soon got the message.

Do you have children?

Luckily Mr K liked me enough to stay and we're still together.
I'd say carry on dating otherwise you are letting your ex win.

Some exes mean ‘move on’ as in getting in your box, not interfering with their life, but don’t dare have a life of your own. It’s generally not that they realise what they lost, apart from control. I think some can’t understand their ex can be happy elsewhere as well - I have heard several men tell me their exes are still missing them, when they’re blatantly not. But I guess if they hold this attitude it’s a complete mind duck to them when ex is dating. It may seem easier to stop dating, but it seems easier to give the toddler the sweet shop, and neither has a good outcome. I know it feels difficult to have this rubbish early on in dating, but I would definitely stick to your guns, involve the police and disconnect from ex and his behaviour as much as possible. I really hope it doesn’t impact your current dating, but even if it did sadly, it would help resolve exes abhorrent behaviour for the next time - or even over anything else that upsets his little applecart. Good luck - you’ll get good advice and support on here.