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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

999 replies

Dancerinthemoonlight · 13/10/2020 12:11

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
WeWantTheFinestWines · 14/11/2020 10:34

What's match betting btw? Just been landed with a £400 car bill so could do with some extra cash. Sounds risky though. I'm very risk averse.

VanGoghsDog · 14/11/2020 15:14

Matched betting isn't at all risky. You can start with £10, though the more you start with, the quicker you get into more profit.

Look on the £10 a day thread in Money, they talk about it there. And read the Team Profit website and watch their videos.

TiggerDatter · 14/11/2020 15:28

Crikey, I'm a risk-taker by nature but any way of making money that has 'betting' in the title has me reaching for the smelling salts! Hope you're all keeping your feet on the ground and not getting sucked into something that's difficult to get out of...

SortingItOut · 14/11/2020 15:37

@TiggerDatter
I work in finance in my day job and I'm the most risk averse person ever.

There is no commitment, no subscriptions, no charge at all.

You sign up with the bookies and exchanges yourself, no one has your card or bank details except them.

No risk of loss unless you dont follow the instructions.

TiggerDatter · 14/11/2020 15:44

I also work in finance and I realise the markets are one big gambling den even though we pretend they're not Grin. It's more the addictive possibilities of overt gambling that concern me. I've given up smoking and I battle to keep alcohol consumption down, so for me (like all my addiction-prone family actually) gambling is the one big no-no! Each to their own though.

Bunkbedpeople · 14/11/2020 16:26

As far as I’ve learned the player always “hedges” bets in matched betting (place a lay bet and a back bet at the same time) and only aims to make an (ok but not too much) profit from the free bets given by the bookmakers.

So the only risk is starting trying to “win big” and actually gamble/take risks by not hedging.

I’m risk averse and it seems to make sense (but more as an “additional spends thing” to do whilst stuck at home with the Internet !)

Bunkbedpeople · 14/11/2020 16:37

Had one of those “we’re ok but not really getting each” chats with MrC Hmm last night.

I mentioned I’d like to go away early next year (solo to a meditation retreat) and he was kind of hinting he’d like to go away also ( but he gets it that I “like my own space”)

But I think it’s the norm amongst my peer group (geeky hippy types) for women to just take themselves away to do their own shit. Even if they are in a committed relationship.

Plus my experience is managing joint planning/organising/paying for stuff can be the road to hell.

I can go away for a weekend for £50-100 and have change and do my own thing, but with someone else activities and costs tend to spiral a bit.

The point of going away for me is a break, not having additional mental load.

TheCatWithTheHat · 14/11/2020 18:43

@LongtimelurkerL as others here have said, you sound lovely and I'm sure there's nothing wrong with you at all. I feel exactly the same about myself - lots to offer, and I think I would be a great partner to someone but no one seems to recognise it.

It's easy to wonder what is wrong with us... but it's hard to meet someone special at the best of times, and 2020 certainly isn't that!

I can really identify with limerence too, especially with a relationship I had a year ago. I was only a few months out of an 8 year relationship, and the new woman was perfect (in my mind), although looking back at it, I was ignoring lots of warning signs that she wasn't. I still miss her, and think about her every day though, so it takes time to move on from these infatuations.

I still feel a bit sad about Miss H, although it's not even been a week since she ended it and it feels like it won't take too long to get over her. I feel a bit daft for telling her I loved her, as I think that was just the shock talking, and what I really feel is affection and didn't like the thought of not seeing/speaking to her again. I didn't ever see a long-term future with her though, so maybe in a week or two I might get back in touch and hopefully we can stay in touch as friends or maybe even go back to just FWB. Is that a terrible idea?

I was meant to be seeing Miss Walker today, but her pet fell sick yesterday and had to be rushed to the vet. I suggested we postpone, which I think she appreciated, but just shows that life just throws these curveballs at us when we least expect it.

I can also relate to all of you who are feeling down today. The rubbish weather doesn't help, and it's a tough time to be lonely. We'll all get through it though, and one day (hopefully sooner rather than later), we'll look back at these posts and feel so grateful for meeting someone that was worth the wait.

cravingthelook · 14/11/2020 20:12

@Bunkbedpeople please tell me about a retreat. I have never done anything like that before but maybe it's exactly what need.

LongtimelurkerL · 14/11/2020 20:25

@TheCatWithTheHat thanks - I’m really struggling with the fact my ex has a long term girlfriend despite being abusive and I’m single and can’t barely get a second date.

Bunkbedpeople · 14/11/2020 20:28

@cravingthelook

I’ll PM you later with some links x

WeWantTheFinestWines · 14/11/2020 22:36

Thank you VanGogh - seeing as I have no luck in love I might do better with a bit of gambling.

VanGoghsDog · 15/11/2020 00:42

@TiggerDatter

I also work in finance and I realise the markets are one big gambling den even though we pretend they're not Grin. It's more the addictive possibilities of overt gambling that concern me. I've given up smoking and I battle to keep alcohol consumption down, so for me (like all my addiction-prone family actually) gambling is the one big no-no! Each to their own though.
It's not gambling.
Eesha · 15/11/2020 06:06

@LongtimelurkerL my ex was also abusive and had long term partners post me whilst I was single for almost 3 years. I find these types hide their true identity until the women are hooked and it's harder to leave. Try not to compare your life to his, it's all smoke and mirrors and be glad you are out of it and free to meet someone lovely.

I spoke to Mr Yoga last night which was lovely. I did flag up that he is very last minute and never seems to organise to meet me, it's always me saying are we meeting etc. He said he always 'assumes' he's going to see me anyway. In a weird way I don't feel missed, just that i slot into his life neatly.

I know he likes the spontaneity as he is a man with no kids but I need to plan childcare etc!

cheerup · 15/11/2020 08:11

I just read a response on another thread which said something along the lines of 'there is someone out there who will love and cherish you' and realised that I no longer believe this. After a long marriage, two long term relationships before that (I'm late 40s) and alot of dating in between and since, I think the best I can hope for is someone who appears to be treating me decently, I find attractive and enjoy spending time with. Oh and the sex is good. Love and cherish are either just nice ideas but not real or require a level of compromise/leap of faith that I'm just not capable of.

Clovertoast · 15/11/2020 10:36

I think the best I can hope for is someone who appears to be treating me decently, I find attractive and enjoy spending time with. Oh and the sex is good. Love and cherish are either just nice ideas but not real or require a level of compromise/leap of faith that I'm just not capable of

@cheerup I think that too.
There are so many motivational posts on Instagram, facebook, and other platforms that encourage you to look for perfection, to never settle, to never compromise, to look to be cherished and adored etc.
I dont think thats realistic quite honestly.
I'm not suggesting you settle for anything that makes you unhappy or uncomfortable but perfection doesn't exist.

I'm not perfect, but I'm kind and I'm generous and loving. I'm also a bit whingy, insecure and needy lol so he has to put up with that also !
I honestly think you are right, if can achieve the above that's enough.
I've been with Mr P 10 months now. It isn't perfect, but it can't be, we have too much other stuff to contend with, but we're enjoying now, we laugh, we talk a lot, we have sex a lot, we cuddle a lot and we spend time together. We don't know how we will end up but we're enjoying now and accepting each other.

TiggerDatter · 15/11/2020 11:26

@cheerup and @Clovertoast: from being happy in someone’s company and enjoying sex, love and cherishing can grow. Unexpectedly sometimes. I’m finding that starting out with the basics and letting things develop is leading to a deeper and deeper bond with Mr GN, but it’s taken nearly two years. I miss him horribly this lockdown, whereas with the first I wasn’t especially bothered. A year ago I seriously thought I couldn’t love again. I was wrong.

Never say never.

TiggerDatter · 15/11/2020 11:35

@VanGoghsDog it’s not gambling, but for me it sounds like a slippery slope - bookies breaking down your barriers, normalising the idea of something for nothing etc.

freelancedolly · 15/11/2020 11:46

@Eesha - completely agree with this - not least because my abusive ex has been in a LTR ever since he had an affair with her during our marriage we separated... she periodically finishes things with him but ends up going back for more and that's the only thing that has stopped me feeling sorry for myself on occasion. I've mostly been totally fine on my own since as I've had so much other stuff to sort out, but there have been occasions (mostly around Christmas) where I've wondered if I'm destined to be on my own.

@cheerup - I don't believe in that kind of romantic nonsense either... I think this thread is a treasure trove of good advice that would help a lot of people navigate the OLD world... a mixture of sane measured realism and 'it's worth it to keep going' optimism.

@TheCatWithTheHat - not sure whether that's a good advice, or at least to get in touch so soon. I think if you said you loved her, even if you regret it now, she will not probably believe that you didn't mean it and would not believe you if you said you would be happy with FWB so soon after. I'd give yourself a good month or two before thinking about making contact - and in all likelihood after that time you'd decide you didn't want to anyway.

SortingItOut · 15/11/2020 11:46

@TiggerDatter
I agree that matched betting isnt for those with addictive personalities or for those who always push themselves to bigger things.

If the bookies know you do this they ban you so its not the bookies promoting it.

Personally I've been doing it since June and i aim to make £50 - £100 per week.
I do it for 10 mins a few times a day if i get a chance.
Last week i was poorly and didnt do any until Thursday, i didnt feel i was missing out on money or wished i was doing it.

As long as people know where their boundaries are and if any triggers then they should be fine.

Ruralbliss · 15/11/2020 11:56

Just found a useful dating tips and attempting to post it here as an image. I'll type it out later if it doesn't work

Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk
Ruralbliss · 15/11/2020 11:56

Glory be. It worked!

freelancedolly · 15/11/2020 11:56

One thing I'm noticing at the moment (6 weeks after meeting current iron - shall have to give him ongoing name as don't like original one... MrR) is that I'm struggling to accept the fact that he seems quite normal and to communicate normally, no drama, fine about planning reasonably in the future, etc etc - I am used to dysfunction (embarrassing but true) and would previously/normally be elevating a 'new man' onto some sort of ridiculous pedestal.

MrR is very much my 'match' and will not be manipulated into giving excess compliments, nor wants to be elevated into pedestal position. In some ways he is my 'superior' (much bigger salary although has just been made redundant from his big corporate job) but does not play the 'alpha male' by any means and wants an equal partner. I just find it all very difficult to negotiate my way through and that in itself makes me feel quite mad. I almost never feel insecure about it, and fancy him, find him really funny/great company etc. But also when given enough time to think about things start to try to find fault with him or reasons why we shouldn't be together, why it won't work, why he's not 'good enough' for me etc... FFS it's all so annoying... BE QUIET BRAIN!

Ruralbliss · 15/11/2020 11:59

Held #1 in the forefront of my mind as I headed to Date #6 (sleepover #4) with my one & only iron & it worked a treat.

Stopped me being all swoony & pickmeisha. Had a great time.

I did broach the oral Q but annoyingly too drunk to remember the discussion or answer! 🙄🤣

Ruralbliss · 15/11/2020 12:03

@freelancedolly I could have written your post!

Literally the same here. 6 weeks in here too and never have I had a 'normal' non-lovebomby, overwhelming romantic experience.
Was totally thrown by it last Thurs then thankfully came to my senses by the time I hung with him again Saturday.