Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

So, I've been exchanging messages with a guy in my walking group.

I've fancied him since I met him over two years ago but I'd only seen him maybe half a dozen times over those two years.
We're both single currently.
And suddenly he's on nearly every walk I go on, despite the reduced numbers (I admit, I have been choosing walks near him!).

We always chat for ages. He'd been trying to find sloes and I picked a ton so messaged him and that way we exchanged numbers.

There's been a few evenings of quite full on messaging, quite flirty (I'm not very good at that I must admit). Then I was away last week and he said if you want to meet up for a walk when you're back, let me know (no club walks now we're in lockdown).

So Fri I asked him if he wanted to meet Sunday and he says he was having a small op (✂️ - much bants over that!) on Sat and could he let me know. So I thought, heh, he won't.
But he did, it poured Sunday morning, but it cleared and he texted and we met and walked about three hours. Then, I um, went back to his for a cup of tea and cake.

That's it. He walked me back to my car, no hug or anything (well, Covid!?) And he said let's meet up for another walk (he had already asked me if I was working all week) and he'd come over my way this time (we're about half an hour drive apart, he wasn't allowed to drive). I texted when I got home thanking him for tea and cake.
He texted me today since useful info he found. And a bit of silliness about the effects of his op.

Would be be bothering if he didn't fancy me?

I’ve got to ask, why is he having the snip if he’s single?

@TiggerDatter

I’ve got to ask, why is he having the snip if he’s single?

He doesn't intend to stay single forever and doesn't want any more kids? Seems sensible to me! Also, he wasn't single when he booked it, it's taken a year to come through he said, and he still wanted it done.

Ah I see, makes sense!

@Myfabby i suppose hes thinkung realistically, we don't know whether lockdown will be extended annoyingly. I keep trying to divert my chats with Mr Yoga to looking forward to when this all ends but he's definitely doom and gloom about it being never ending!

@VanGoghsDog - I'd say the chances are good that he does... can you drop a hint into messaging soon? Knowing me I'd be saying something like 'I know it's totally illegal and we may have been arrested for it but I was very slightly disappointed we didn't have a tiny kiss" - and then gauging the reaction. I am really rather rubbish at being patient enough to wait and find out about such matters.

I can slightly understand reticence about arranging a date @Myfabby because what's the point of getting into the nitty gritty of a date for in what, more than 2 weeks' time.... however - I don't think there's anything wrong with pencilling a date in theory - and some of us would need to do that for childcare reasons etc. In my case my child-free weekend is the first weekend after lockdown supposedly ends and we are already 'earmarking' the weekend in general - nearer the time I will want a specific day or sleepover so that I can make plans for the other day or whatever.

Hi everyone, hope it's okay to post again.

You guys really helped me last month with my hot and cold guy that had dragged on way too long and really messed with my head.

The contact dragged on for a little longer and cumilated in a huge argument and him blocking me ☹

I'm not sure if I'm ready for dating but have had a few chats so far. Still feel upset about hot and cold man and am not excited about anyone new just yet.

It's so hard when you've had a connection with someone the thought of starting again!

I'm sort of still here. Lots of shit going on in my personal life so I suppose it's a good thing I took a break from dating as I really wouldn't have the metal capacity to deal with dating on top of it.
My original goal was to get back to dating in the new year but with everything going on I'm not sure of that. I will get back to it when I get back to it and hopefully my Mr Right will still be out there.
I have started listening to a dating podcast on my walks; started from the beginning episode and working my way through. Hope it's okay if I still am on the thread even though I'm not dating and don't know when I will get back to it.

MrC thinks he should get his return date/crew change date this week, probably one day next month.

Hoping it’s not gonna be an emotional damp squib when he returns

I ended up sending him ten random intense long-winded “lets do THIS activity when you get back ” messages at 2am this morning (I normally try to be more reserved) and got a nice reply back in which he had clearly read my messages and responded to each suggestion today.

It’s definitely hitting my emotional sweet spot for now - I’m used to being quite lonely in terms of not really having someone who fancies me AND genuinely likes doing the same stuff as me.

So I’m hopeful (though I’ll probably let him instigate contact next )

I’ve definitely strongly moved forward in other areas of life (using his absence to get on with things) so I’m glad I waited as I don’t feel I’ve put my life on hold as such.

But I think if things extend for his work it will get a bit

and I might just chat with others/get out there a bit without actually getting intimate with anyone.

@Dancerinthemoonlight sorry to hear you are going through difficult times, I hope you are coping and receiving some real-life support. Please stay on the thread - whether you're dating or not, it's such an informative and supportive place.

@Bunkbedpeople fingers crossed for an imminent date - you've waited long enough!

MrMilitary was my Xmas romance last year and is due back in December/January so I’m kind of keeping myself emotionally accountable as I know I have a vulnerable/weak/soft spot for the car crash that was our thwarted romance.

Thanks @TiggerDatter

if it doesn’t work out I’ll be sad but also I think I’ve definitely learned a lot about what I want in terms of communication and dating. I kind of want a lover AND a friend to just do stuff with and see the world.

And I agree it’s great for everyone just drop in and out when they need to with their updates or engaging in discussion or just randomly letting off steam

( good to see @Dancerinthemoonlight and @Wanttobeonabeach).

@Bunkbedpeople how long have you two been seeing each other and how long is he normally off shore for? I think it sounds like a good exercise in kind of forcing you to crack on with the rest of your life - I'm not that good at being like that off my own bat so it works for me if the other person is properly boundaried (or in your case, just through happenstance that he is away for periods of time).

That sounds like a great reaction to your texts and I would agree that it's important your needs are matched and that it's about more than just being a 'lover' if it's going to last the course.

vangoghsdog I find men with vasectomies ooh, about 47% more attractive than the average! Just the thought of a man who takes responsibility for his reproductive choices- and not having to faff around with condoms (subject to an STI test) makes me hot, hot, HOT!! . Mr Big City Boy has had a vasectomy, and I think was a little surprised at my enthusiastic response! Now, when will I get to see him again...? We're chatting regularly, but he's being quite well behaved re Covid....

Mr Double Decker came over for a cup of tea today, and we ended up in bed, which was a lovely boost.

I find men with vasectomies ooh, about 47% more attractive than the average! Just the thought of a man who takes responsibility for his reproductive choices- and not having to faff around with condoms (subject to an STI test) makes me hot, hot, HOT!!

100% agree! It's the taking responsibility, the 'being an adult' and the respect for women (as in, not always making it the woman's problem) I think. And he's been so open about it, it's refreshing really.

@freelancedolly we had a very good month of dating in August

Not enough to get to the “serious talk” stage but felt it was on the cards for his return. We’ve discussed sexual exclusivity/dropping condoms.

I don’t think official labels are appropriate till we’ve properly reconnected.

he told me he was away for a month/six weeks, then it kept being extended

The work set up is they get paid a base salary then a day rate for time working on rigs, so I think despite moaning to their lady friends, the guys don’t mind the long stretches so much as they get extra pay?

I’m very mindful that men in these kind of jobs (offshore/military) can moan about the lack of flexibility whilst enjoying the pay and the camaraderie and the travel and perks.

and then getting sympathy from the long suffering partners keeping it all together at home and then having to leap to attention when the big man returns .

So the emotions can conceal quite a sexist dynamic.

But I haven’t really been long suffering (I’ve been out for dinner with Male friends and on solo city breaks) and we’re both in our thirties and childfree.

And as he’ll be on a complete break when he gets back for a while and lives walking distance of me it’s actually quite a pragmatic dating choice. If things go well I’m not agin the lifestyle - I don’t want children so that’s not a factor.

I think I’m definitely at the life stage where I want “two content people looking outwards together” rather than “gazing into each other’s eyes and obsessing over each other” and he’s of that mindset - isn’t the coolest bloke in the world but likes “doing stuff”.

I mean we are sexually compatible (he just thinks I’m fit and is slightly dominant which suits me) but it’s also nice that we’re planning playing tennis and cooking and doing yoga together.

I haven’t been on the apps since we met (I was planning a break anyway, but not this long!).

So it could all go tits up or not but I’m going to wait it out till he returns unless he ghosts me or something.

Then I’ll be swiping the nutcases over Xmas (which my chaotic crazy woman side is quite drawn to )

Hey @Dancerinthemoonlight yes definitely stay on-thread especially if you've got a lot on your plate.

What's the dating podcast you've been listening to?

Hope you're ok. I'm struggling this week. Can't believe it's only Wednesday. Work is overwhelming & I'm shattered & in bed by 8.30 each night with zero energy for anything other than the most basic of domestic duties attended to.

Look after yourselves all.

Hi

Newbie here. What do you think of when you should drop the dating apps. If there was a guy you were talking to and not actually seeing. If you were to see them on dating apps again?

@Newuser991 i stopped swiping after meeting my partner for the first time but we both agreed we didn't want to multi date and wanted to see how things went. I think if you haven't met the person yet, you should assume they are still on the apps.

We have met. But haven't seen each other for months. New jobs, lockdowns etc.

Still talk loads. I have asked him are you using me and he has said no he likes me a lot.

When i found it he was embarrassed and deleted it and apologised profusely

@Newuser991, there can sometimes be a period of limbo where you are on the apps, might have met but not actually made the leap to anything more. It sounds like you are in a kind of waiting zone. It's probably a result of lockdown etc , that you haven't been able to move things forward and work out if you are both genuinely keen on each other. Sometimes people stay on the apps out of boredom or habit, or even keeping their options open. Hopefully you can meet again soon. If you feel there is a good connection there then try to find ways to increase contact even if it's not in person. Video calls maybe ?

[quote Onesmallstep67]@Newuser991, there can sometimes be a period of limbo where you are on the apps, might have met but not actually made the leap to anything more. It sounds like you are in a kind of waiting zone. It's probably a result of lockdown etc , that you haven't been able to move things forward and work out if you are both genuinely keen on each other. Sometimes people stay on the apps out of boredom or habit, or even keeping their options open. Hopefully you can meet again soon. If you feel there is a good connection there then try to find ways to increase contact even if it's not in person. Video calls maybe ?[/quote]
Yes that is how it feels. A waiting zone.

We haven't made a go of it yet. But we have spoken loads and get on well.

Between lockdowns and New jobs we wouldn't have been able to see each other much this year anyway.

He isnt talking to me much now as he is unwell and awaiting hospital tests. Not sure how to play it. Don't want to be over bearing

I don’t know how you guys have so many people who like you enough to even ‘keep you around’ so to speak. I can’t even get one guy to want to date me let alone a few

@LongtimelurkerL i think most people here have been through the highs and lows of dating here, nothing has been an easy ride. It's a weird time at present with the whole covid stuff. You say you haven't met any who want to date you but have you met anyone you actually like yourself?