Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Newuser991 i would say he can't be out there dating either during these weird times and unfortunately you might need to wait it out. I know how you feel to an extent as I've been seeing my partner for 5 months now but the tier system and lockdown has meant we have never been out for dinner, only walks, picnics, and now no staying over. It's just not the usual type of dating I am used to. I asked my partner directly as to whether he wanted to continue and he does. I think that's all you can really do and if so, just run with it.

[quote Eesha]@Newuser991 i would say he can't be out there dating either during these weird times and unfortunately you might need to wait it out. I know how you feel to an extent as I've been seeing my partner for 5 months now but the tier system and lockdown has meant we have never been out for dinner, only walks, picnics, and now no staying over. It's just not the usual type of dating I am used to. I asked my partner directly as to whether he wanted to continue and he does. I think that's all you can really do and if so, just run with it.[/quote]
Well exactly. I took a back seat with dating this year. When I thought things weren't going to happen with us I went back out and signed up to tinder again but mostly general nutters and those asking for sex. This was ages ago.

He stays in touch though. Seems very happy to speak to me but isn't demonstrative. He is quite shy / anxious. But I feel like I am harassing someone if I make more effort.

It is quite hard to meet people even without a pandemic so I imagine he is not dating around either with a new job (healthcare worker) and a pandemic

I suppose they can always be taking to others

@Newuser991 he could be but then you would never really know and have to go on trust. When will you next be seeing him? If he's shy etc, then you have to see whether that's what you are ok with this. It's still early days though. I'm used to being lovebombed so my partners coolness is strange for me personally.

@Eesha Some yes - I feel like men of my age (early 30s) are still looking for that mind blowing spark whereas I would rather have a best friend (that I fancy obv) and not so worried about the mind blowing stuff. Take the guy I went on two dates with - we got on very well, made each other laugh, had similar ideas about future plans but I presume he's decided there 'wasn't a spark'

@Eesha

It is the same for me. He is quite cool. Not demonstrative, shy to take my hand when we were together. Only did it when we walked side by side and he was nervous to take my hand at the end of the dates.

No plans to meet again. We live quite far apart and new lockdown. He is ill at the moment and now I dont even want to text

@LongtimelurkerL at least you know what you are looking for. I think everyone wants some sort of spark though. Don't lose hope. How many dates have you been on?

@Newuser991 perhaps tell him you weren't sure how he felt. Maybe he's playing it cool so not to scare you off? I just think if you like him, give it a chance. Hopefully this lockdown will end and we can all resume normal dating again.

@Eesha

He has been dealing with a lot of his own issues. Depression etc. Coming out on the other side but has had life long anxiety and low self esteem.

I wonder if I am being used.

Can't help it. I have had exes cheat on me loads in the past. I will never trust anyone again

@Newuser991 i think give things a time limit in your head and observe how he behaves. If you have been cheated on, you'll probably require more reassurances so you can trust more. He might have the capacity to do this or not. My view is give him the benefit of the doubt, observe, and see where things are later. It's hard though, my partner has his issues and I'm fully supportive of him fixing them but I think there will come a time when I'll need his support and I'll be observing how he reacts to me.

@Newuser991 that doesn’t sound much fun for you. Good advice from @eesha.

@eesha pre lockdown as many as I had free time for (I have a child) but now it’s a bit harder. I expect me having a child and being quite young is also offputting. I just didn’t think it’d be this hard

@LongtimelurkerL i have two toddlers myself so only went on 9 dates myself over 3 years. I never really clicked with anyone much aside from my partner now but we started as friends. It can happen.

@eesha wow that’s a great success rate. I have no idea how many I’ve been on - probably hundreds over the past 3 years and never got anywhere

@LongtimelurkerL TBH my best friend is getting married this year to someone she met OLD and was going on 3 dates a week for years. I never had that much time and really was picky but also had my fair share of people disappearing etc.

@Newuser991 welcome!

Being on the cynical bench here, you’ve not really met much, you’re not sure how he feels and he’s even gone back on the apps? Can’t be much fun for you?

I agree using apps can be a nightmare (yy to tinder weirdos and horny guys) but I’d start considering other options yourself.

@Ruralbliss I’m tired too sending empathy

@LongtimelurkerL

I agree that’s such a challenge in dating - apps are a great tool, but the impression I get is that some people on the apps are always looking for something perfect ?

I don’t mean anyone should settle for someone they don’t want, but I met a few guys who get a few online contacts, see pretty photos, and assume or hope they’re “guaranteed relationships” with all of them even if there isn’t much contact.

So they’ll go for the physically most attractive (to them, even if it’s just a few photos ) but not necessarily the most compatible in other ways.

And even if they have one coffee and get the brush off or are friendzoned they assume they’re still in with a chance, or take a small amount of friendly interest as a sign they can “have” all these “hot girls”.

outside of apps people get to know each other over time, find someone “broadly attractive” with stuff in common and look to build a connection

I definitely think there’s an online culture of guys obsessing over photogenic qualities/looking to upgrade?

MrMilitary was completely the opposite match to me (he’d have better off with someone fairly supportive and quite a steady low key personality not an intense type)

but as I LOOKED like a version of his childhood crushes I was obviously one to pursue even though we really emotionally were not compatible in the least and wouldn’t have made each other happy

“Spark” is so deceptive- basically means the other person is incredibly charming or physically fits a certain type - it’s not authentic at all even to the people who get frequently told they have “spark”.

I’ve often got into relationship situations with guys who think we have A Magic Connection due to me fitting some visual ideal/being able to be quite charming on a first date - who have then treated me very, very badly when they realise I’m a real human being with my own problems and needs and feelings.

So Mr Castle the FWB because he didn't want a relationship - who rain checked last week because he was busy, has just text ended it because he's met someone and starting a relationship

Twat

@Bunkbedpeople

Thank you

No it isnt much fun.

Having had a go at him for being back on apps id worry he finds out I'm back on them. I did basically say fine I won't talk to you anymore if you're looking for others but he assured me he wasnt looking to date and hasn't met anyone else.

If he saw me what a hypocrite id be

@cravingthelook what a barsteward

@cravingthelook
Its no consolation but at least he messaged rather than ghosting or leading you on still.

Sorry to hear that @cravingthelook

@Newuser991 I'm not sure what you are getting from your iron. And you are on the apps too? You've barely met and it doesn't sound like things are going very well. Isn't it best you both keep looking.

@eesha intrigued by your use of the world partner. Is this because bf sounds childish or are you genuinely feeling this man is your partner?

Evening all. @Newuser991 - can I ask, what do you think he is using you for? I agree with previous posters in that is it worth asking yourself, what do YOU get out of this arrangement?

Someone with ongoing depression, who can't meet, is not physically demonstrative, and you found on the apps.. to me there are lots of red flags here. I say this as someone who has perennially tended towards accepting these sorts of things in a 'oh maybe I can help them' or 'oh maybe they'll get better if they're in a relationship with meeee' kind of way... or in a 'I need to be kind, it's perfectly acceptable for someone to be X or Y' kind of way. But sometimes all of these things add up to lots of reasons someone is giving you - wittingly or unwittingly - that they're not as committed or demonstrative or able to give you the level of attention/communication/affection you crave or need.

My last Tinder relationship car crash was full of these sorts of red flags and it was only after a long while of taking them all at face value and tying myself in knots that I finally was able to see the wood for the trees.

@Bunkbedpeople I totally agree with your interpretation of the guys on Tinder always looking for the slightly upgraded version - in particular I think the men who stand out a bit (half way decent looking, can hold a conversation, know how to dress themselves and don't have shots of them in their shit bathroom or holding a giant carp) get so much attention that they know they don't ever have to 'stick' with what they've got as there's an ever-revolving door into a kids sweet shop of other options.

@cravingthelook
I love that comment at the end. 'Twat' Straight from the heart and made me laugh.
Bloody annoying for you but there will be others

My ex fb. Messaged me this week he obviously can't see his gf so thought I'd be ok if he popped over. Knobhead is my word for him
X

Hey all - just looking in to see how you all are.

@cravingthelook Mr Castle sounds like a lying arsehole, sorry that happened to you though.

@Newuser991 can you unmatch/block him and then he won’t see you are on the apps (presumably can still contact you via WhatsApp or similar?). It would mean you can’t see what he ia doing but that’s no bad thing sometimes.

I have stopped stalking Mr Local on OKC now. He was only on it again for a week or so to be fair but like you say, so was I ! I’ve decided the more I talk to him that he isn’t relationship material, not really. Much as I like him we have nothing in common. So as a once a week FWB it is absolutely none of my business what he does. (I did have to have a stern word with myself haha)

Mr Ginger is still around. He seems really sweet and actually seems to want a relationship with me. And he is attractive and I like him and we have loads in common. We’ve had 5 dates now and he messages every day. But we both have teenagers at home so nowhere really to meet on lockdown in winter and he lives a 40 minute drive away. And although I do fancy him it is a mild feeling compared to how I get around the gloriously unsuitable Mr Local who is just 🔥😈 (and lives conveniently alone).

@Bunkbedpeople I know what you mean about the Spark. But for me, not having that is just a friendship. And I have lots of friends already. It’s just unfortunate that I usually feel it for dangerous men who are not to be trusted. They seem to be my type. I should know better at my age.

Have deleted the apps for now apart from OKC where I chat to Mr Serious and Mr Motorhome. I just don’t fancy any more dispiriting trails around a bloody cold park with a stranger. Am chatting to Mr Golf still, but after our 3rd date it has stalled a bit. He has his kid every weekend and I am busy in the week (and - bloody walks, and the dark etc). Also a sexy maniac I’ll call Mr Drummer but that is just FaceTime and flirtation - he is miles away (at least an hour) and another of my madmen. And a chap I’ll call Mr Serious who I matched with pre lockdown but haven’t met, then a sweet guy in a bad situation I have no intention of meeting but who I’m trying to “fix”. He is beautiful and funny and I’ll call him Mr Motorhome.

It all feels like an admin job some days keeping up with them 😂. But equally stops me getting fixated on one. And I still think about Mr Beard all the time - the one that got away - which I think makes me scared of taking anyone seriously again (or at face value). Safety in numbers.

Oh and a surprise one who slid into my DMs on Instagram. I’m not naming him. I suspect his motives ahah. Who meets on Instagram past their teens? 😂

I'm not on apps. Both deleted very early on.

We don't talk on them. We use WhatsApp.

I get friendship from it. I really enjoy talking to him and he me. We have loads on common.

We see eye to eye on most things. We had amazing chemistry when we met.

I guess I think he is using me for a penpal / ego boost without actually dating me