Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Great insight on here - nodding along reading about the limerance feeling etc.. I had that with my last car crash experience and it was only in retrospect after it had all imploded that I looked back and wondered if that feeling isn't, after all, a red flag more than anything else. I think mine was a heady mixture of him mirroring me, promising me a future in a really intoxicating 'ever so slightly over the top but not conspicuously too much' kind of way, and ticking a lot of boxes including being a good kisser. Slightly embarrassingly I do think that the combination of things he seemed to offer, along with my giddy desire to have those things, created the infatuation.

I just want to thank you all for introducing me to a new word. I'd never heard of limerence before, just read up on it, sounds oh so familiar. Must. Not. Let. It. Happen. Again.
But at the same time, must not build an impenetrative wall of self protection allowing nobody to get close for fear of getting hurt, thus never letting myself have a relationship again. Easy peasy then 😊

@Bunkbedpeople This is great insight, I think I’ve had an epiphany. Not sure I quite reached level liminence, but it was there or thereabouts. I was coming off the back of a pretty traumatic divorce so I was definitely primed for moving straight into a fully formed “magical” relationship. Realistically, I got carried away and tried to ignore the fact her divorce was ongoing. When it ended and she said she didn’t know whether it was special or not, boom, off the back of a dysfunctional marriage neither do I. @freelancedolly It wasn’t helped by some really great kissing. I suppose that’s a good a reason as any to get back out there. I think it’s going to be OK. Thanks :-)

Perhaps the feeling is a red flag for online dating where-as it wouldn’t be in a more traditional local / friend of friends scenario. There’s always the problem in OLD of not really knowing who someone is and we’re just not wired to deal with this.

Ditto @DudefromThatLondon - this was not only my first semi-relationship post traumatic divorce, but the first person I'd met in OLD for 5 years, and the first sexual relationship since divorce too () - friends were saying come on, it would have been mental if things had worked out with the first person you met...!

I like this new term limerence as well! Thanks all.

I'm back in depression about all of this - everyone I know seems to be moving in or whatever in their relationships and I can't even get a text back.....there must be something wrong with me

@LongtimelurkerL if there is something wrong with you, there's something wrong with all of us. And there isn't. So there isn't. And it often turns out down the line when the oh-so happy people split up, that he was actually a bit controlling or she was actually a bit mental and it was actually a bit shit. We're just not prepared to settle or pretend.

Feeling a bit deflated myself today too.must be something in the air.

@WeWantTheFinestWines and @Bluezoo123 sorry to hear your also feeling down. I’m just confused. Without sounding like an idiot, I have a good job, I’m nice, I’m attractive, sporty, fun. So what gives?

@Bluezoo123 I think something in the air as I feel low too. I have a partner but I'm looking for faults. He's just cool about things whereas I guess I want him to be more expressive about me (he's autistic in case I hadn't said).

@freelancedolly - had the same from my friends. Plus she was only separated. Was never going to last. They just said doesn’t matter, you’re dating again. Next!

Yup, definitely something in the air. Might have a beer and drink to not prepared to settle. Sorry to hear everyone is glum. You sound like a catch @LongtimelurkerL so it’s definitely not you!

November is the glummest month plus lockdown means no shopping, dining out etc. It’s not surprising we’re all feeling blue.

I worry about the term ‘quality’ man or woman. What does that even mean?

It goes without saying that finding someone to date, then early dating, are really really difficult. But I would still veer towards quantity rather than quality at first. If nothing else you end up meeting a variety of (sometimes extraordinary) people which (a) is interesting, (b) can be pretty funny and (c) helps you to learn more about what you like/want/prioritise. Plus people have hidden depths which can’t possibly be expressed in profiles, shown in pics or elicited by questions/initial conversations. You could be swiping left on a gem so easily.

@LongtimelurkerL and others I get how you feel exactly, I am reasonably attractive, slim, have a decent job, solvent, no addictions, very giving and loyal in relationships yet the only 'dates' from OLD which turned in to LTR where they seemed completely into me turned out to be narcs and harassed me after I saw the light and ended things. All the other 'situationships' from OLD I knew deep down had no longevity and ended within a few weeks/months . I am ok on my own but do miss the sex and intimacy/man hugs but was always geared up to be a wife and mother and live as part of a family unit. I would like to love and be loved in return.

Yeah think that’s it exactly @Bluezoo123 I’m def a ‘couple’ person - love looking after someone, treating them, listening etc. So can’t do fwb. Just messes with my head

Yeh can I join the “feeling slightly glum and ennui bench” please.

It’s dark so early I need to push with going for exercise early as that does help. EVEN IF I DONT feel like it.

MrC sent his usual check in message and I was feeling sick so we’ve kind of missed each other - didn’t have a phone call scheduled but we haven’t been on WhatsApp at the same time.

We’ll have to sit round one weekend and have thread lockdown xmas drinks at home if things don’t start looking up socially Dressing up in our finery and posting photos optional.

@LongtimelurkerL I am pm'ing you while I drink my wine if that's ok

@Bunkbedpeople I’d be on for that single lockdown Xmas glam drinks ...catchy name 😂

I’m feeling a bit sad too :( was in touch with Mr German had to ask what was going on with him - and he’s struggling with stress mainly work and juggling kids etc so of course seeing me is way down in his priorities which I get in theory but it still stings a little - so i wished him well and that’s that🥺 another one that I over-invested in bites the dust
I’m chatting to others but I think it’s to make me feel wanted rather than any particular interest.

Just started trying matched betting so even if things are shite this winter I can have a spare few hundred quid early next year for a little staycation

My deposit got declined as the bank thinks I’m turning into a gambler

(I’m off the apps but given the bad vibes today if I joined I’d probably see MrMilitary first )

Time for

@Mayzee it always feels like that at first, chatting on the apps after saying goodbye to someone feels like wading through treacle... then at some point you'll find yourself having a half decent conversation with someone and suddenly it's a bit better. I liked what @Ruralbliss said about watching out for that glum feeling on your way back from meeting the first 'next' person and thinking they're nowhere near as GREAT as the ex etc etc... I definitely had that!

Also good grief YES to November (this November in particular) being pretty bloody dreary - wet, dark, keep driving over new potholes on the way home from the school run , not knowing what lies ahead re. Christmas etc. On top of that I have a pesky court hearing coming up - hopefully really the last one EVER with my stupid ex husband... just instructed a barrister today, which feels a bit like setting fire to loads of fifty pound notes for the sheer hell of it.

Things are pottering along with my iron, all quite calm and okay, not seeing each other for a week, but chatting quite regularly. What's quite a revelation is the difference in my mood with someone who is just straightforward and communicates - I don't feel insecure or mental... which is always a good thing but quite rare for me

"If you want to know more, just massage me".
On profile of guy wearing only a towel, so maybe that is actually what he meant?

@WeWantTheFinestWines

These aren’t even noteworthy/the worst....

@TiggerDatter "I worry about the term ‘quality’ man or woman. What does that even mean?"

I used that on the other over 50s thread and I can only say it was clumsy and rubbish. It's more about finding out (after plenty of dating and open mindedness) what you want and what you can offer, and being clued in to things in profile or on a date that signal what you don't want and what you can't possibly supply. So referring to a perception of the quality of fit more than assigning quality to people in some dumb ranking sense.

@Bunkbedpeople

Just started trying matched betting so even if things are shite this winter I can have a spare few hundred quid early next year for a little staycation

My deposit got declined as the bank thinks I’m turning into a gambler

I did that this time last year. I made a few hundred pounds but stopped when it got too complicated because I didn't really have the headspace for it.

Good luck with it!

@Bunkbedpeople
I'm a matched better, been doing it 5 months and doing great.

Jesus Bunkbedpeople! I have no words for that.