Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@DudefromThatLondon and everyone else probably. It's so hard hearing how wonderful and gorgeous and lovely you are, but they're just looking for something else. Someone they'll be more compatible with. And while you really want to know what the hell is wrong with you, you also really don't want to know, because hearing it will hurt. And then you start going through every interaction in your head and wishing you had done or said something differently, because that was obviously the thing that made them not want you anymore. When in reality, shit just happens and we can't choose who we fall for and it's kinder to let us down as soon as they realise they're not feeling it, than to keep plodding on out of fear of hurting us - only to hurt us even more much later.

So hard not to let it destroy your confidence though. And hard to get up, dust yourself off and go out there again.

I think what didn’t help either was that first I thought it was off because was having a hard time with divorce, then it seemed we had a commitment only for her to change her mind again after I spent a couple of days with her. So the specificity of that weekend does haunt me a bit. There was a slow fade as well, which mentally doesn’t put you in a good place.

Rationally I’m fine about it and I’m totally on board with not being compatible with someone’s relationship wants. But it’s incredibly hard to shake off that feeling you weren’t good enough in some kind of way. Maybe that’s the urge for getting in touch, if you end up as friends that’s some sort of validation. I’m not sure that is a good reason though. I would just like to erase the negativity around the whole thing and that seems one way to do it.

The problem with staying friends is that you have to be totally, genuinely, cool about them falling in love with someone else. I couldn't do that with recent ex, but totally with the one before him, who I'm genuinely happy for now that he's happy with someone.

@WeWantTheFinestWines - what was the difference? Realistically I can’t say that I would be cool with that at the moment. Probably will be in a few months but by then I might be inclined to let sleeping dogs lie.

@DudefromThatLondon Sorry to hear about what you went through. I think you know the answer to getting back in touch with her! No good will come of it...

Funnily enough, the woman I was dating for a few months a year ago seemed to change after I'd taken her away for a weekend. I just assume something happened that made her realise it wasn't what she wanted.

One possible reason if she's still going through a divorce is that something happened that triggered a thought that she's not ready to be seeing anyone. Or you did something that reminded her of her ex. You'll probably never know, and it's possible she doesn't even know either.

The only way to erase the negativity is to focus on reminding yourself that there's nothing wrong with you, but they just weren''t the right person at the right time. It's tough, but we can either wallow in it or get back on the horse and continue.

And talking about getting back up there - I had my first date since Miss H ended it, and met someone for coffee and a walk at lunchtime.

First impression - she walked really fast, which immediately put me off! She was nice to chat to, but we didn't have a huge amount in common, and I didn't feel any attraction so will get in touch with her later to tell her it was lovely to meet, but I didn't feel any romantic connection.

Miss Walker (who I'm meeting on Sunday) sent me a nice message this morning saying she had a busy day at work, but wanted me to know she would reply later as she didn't want me to think she was flakey. That's the first time anyone's done that to me, and a nice touch. She is definitely ticking a lot of boxes so far, so I'm looking forward to Saturday.

Dude I was in love with one and not the other, is the short answer. Discussed long term and made plans with one, the other I was quite happy to just have some fun with.

Cat I'm a fast walker! Must remember to slow down if I ever get a walking date. Good luck on Saturday, hope you have a lovely time.

This week, Mr Castle has rain checked (so be it)

I met Mr Compliance ... lovely to chat to, really polite and kind, wasn't sure at all, then a wee kiss goodbye and it was great, all tingly (wants FWB)

Mr Engineer... really genuine bloke who is fixing a boiler nightmare, I'll be mates with him but not attracted

Mr Officer.... wasn't sure on message but in person, defo ... not sure what he wants but our schedules are shockingly incompatible... much more likely FWB

Seeing Ms Jam tomorrow for a catch up

Is it bad if I get myself into a position of 4 (each infrequent for various reasons) FWB???

@WeWantTheFinestWines- ahh that makes sense. yes i think I got carried away so better just grin and bear it. I think it’s more the final realisation that it’s definitely not going to work out. I know the stages of loss are supposed to be a process but sometimes the different stages seem to happen simultaneously.

@TheCatWithTheHat interesting you should say that, that last weekend when I left thinking back, I felt a bit like you do when you’ve duffed a job interview. I think she’d decided I was too laid back for her tastes and just a few things she said seemed like she was building a case against me. But I have a tendency to do a self deprecation schtick which perhaps didn’t go down too well either. Oh well. It sounds like you had a tough time though so you have my sympathies and cool that you’re back out there. Good luck for Saturday!

Should probably leave it a couple of weeks but I’m sort of back on the horse actually. Perhaps not grabbed hold of the reins yet. Couple of Ms’s I’m chatting too with potential. Had a bit of a crap date a couple of weeks ago with a woman who took exception to me defending Labours last election manifesto . Think she thought I was an idiot but pleasingly I didn’t really care.

@cravingthelook - I’m guessing with FWB the idea is not to get too attached. Perhaps having 4 infrequent is the sweet spot ?

cravingthelook I think the only problem with 4 would be a sheer logistical one. I suppose I'm technically on 3, but haven't been in touch with Mr Al Murray for a while- he does live a 3.5 hour drive away though.

Oh, and getting their names mixed up, of course

(and the regular STI tests, being sensible).

@DudefromThatLondon I'd love to get attached but it just isn't happening. I have been in polyamorous relationships before, so no issues with being honest and open about situations and feelings.

I'm still struggling with the feelings of rejection for one iron from 4 months ago that I can't help feeling there was potential. He still sends a friendly check in text every week or so, but either the situation was he's a total player that mirrored what I told him and just friendly messages so I can't forget him OR he's a coward who ran away at the first hint of something potentially good (told me he wasn't ready). Either are not attractive traits. (I believe it's the second). I however am stuck on the potential and I think it's because I've not felt so intensely attracted to everything about a person for a very long time. It's odd. In my whole lifetime I've had 5 of those instances and I can honestly say I don't think I'm over any of them, and none of them lasted a long time. It's like a sparkler that burned bright and fast.

The only positive is that if I've felt it 5 times ... I can feel it a 6th. I call it the 'look' and man do I crave it.

My continued multiple dating is to either find it or distract myself in case I don't or until I do. I'm guarded and maybe FWB just protects myself a bit.

That and a 50% parent, a full time regional job, a new home that has thrown up a new problem every day for the 10 days I've been in... I shouldn't really have time for 1 relationship let alone 4 FWB

@crackofdoom yes all of those things...

But Mr Castle is clearly not going to be every week
Ms Jam I haven't seen in 6 months (ok so she was in Canada for 4 of them under very difficult circumstances)
Mr Compliance and Mr Officer are only potential just now

How did you manage to navigate a polyamorous relationship, craving? Did you both have other people? And if not, how did you manage to avoid jealousy?

(...and the logistics?!)

Hi all.

Sorry to those who have been let down by irons recently.

Bit late to the topic but re oral, first sexual encounter with an ex was me receiving 3hours worth of oral from him! Madness!

Would love to share what's going on with my iron but don't want to out myself. I find the early days/weeks of early dating where you're not sure where things are heading difficult. Anyone happy to listen let me know as would appreciate a sounding board!

No issues with 4 FWB.
At various points over the last 2 years i have had 4 (or sometimes more) FB/FWB.

Never any names mixed up.

I practised safe sex with all but my most regular so no real need for lots of STI tests.

If you have the time and energy then 4 is fine (providing the sex is good)

Mr Tea had 3 others and I was still dating ... starting out with Ms Jam (and agonising over the disaster of mine and Mr Swans mess of a friendship).
Logistics meant only seeing him once or twice a month anyway.
I knew from the start so had no jealousy.
I think you are wired to be able to care/love multiple people or you are not. Mr Tea/Ms Jam and I all say it's like you just have more care and affection rather than sharing it out.

Ultimately I'd like to have 1 nice regular boyfriend... but until I find him......

(My best mate says that I'm 90% straight and only 10% bi because I rarely go out with women and don't actively go seeking them for relationships... I can see her point but it's not that simple 😁😁) Ms Jam is the only one in about 18 years. (14 of them I was married) but the only 1 out of all my dates in the last 18 months.

@cravingthelook - aha so that’s what your name means. I think that sums up why I’m struggling with my recent dalliance. A potent combination of potential and I haven’t fancied someone that much for about 15 years. It was really intensely physical. Perhaps it messed with my pheromones. Although when I put it to her that we had something rarely found she said she wouldn’t know that until she’d been on some crap dates. So maybe she didn’t feel it the same way. You sound like you’re well distracted anyway, haha.

That’s a good point from Ms Tea and Jam. I can’t say I have the ability to compartmentalise things like that, but you don’t run out of love where your kids are involved.

In fact maybe it wasn’t that great and it was mostly in my head.

Yeh, I think we’ve all definitely felt that “limerance/infatuation” feeling with someone who pushes all our buttons even for a reasonably short time

A combination of our emotions and them representing something or coming at the right time or maybe even having qualities we ourself feel are missing. Or the possible gateway to a new emotional life. Potential is a big aphrodisiac.

Its also common as an adult to be traumatised/insecure/lonely to a certain extent (even if we look fairly sorted) and seeing someone romantically as the possible saviour/healer to that.

It might not even be “our” insecurity but inherited - I’ve noticed I’m insecure about or crave things my mother was insecure about or craved

but logically I know they haven’t or don’t apply to me or my experience as an adult woman .

So yes I suppose it is kind of all in our head

but also that doesn’t mean we can’t acknowledge it and maybe try to work past it.

I'm back again after a bit of time out and nothing to report.

Dating apps haven't been successful so I deleted all but tinder as I just lost all desire to date and put any effort in. I like tinder in the sense you can just have a swipe fest whoever you feel like it and 99% of my matches don't talk anyway so no effort needed!

I've been seeing a couple of fb's from fab and occasionally swiping on tinder. Yesterday was one of those days and I matched with Mr Scissors. We've chatted almost constantly and seem to have a lot in common, we're meeting for a walk and a coffee tomorrow. No red flags as yet and he hasn't done anything to irritate me...yet.

cravingthelook PLEASE tell me you had a Ms Scone and a Mr Cream on the go at the same time!!

(sorry, it's a West Country thing..)

@crackofdoom I'm actually sitting in my office (yes I'm working late) laughing out loud at that.

I'm totally going to have to find a scone and cream to go with my tea and jam 😛 still friends with them both and seeing Ms Jam tomorrow so we'll see if that is staying platonic or not .... I don't mind either way tbh, love her to bits as a pal, enjoy the sex but wouldn't be put out if there wasn't any.

first sexual encounter with an ex was me receiving 3hours worth of oral from him! Madness!

I'd have started on the crosswords after half an hour!

I've no problem with open and honest multiple dating or FB. Though I don't want that myself currently. Of course, we can't under the current lockdown rules anyway.

I'm meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow, we have to buy it take away and then sit outdoors, not in a private garden and at least two meters apart to eat it :(