Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Onesmallstep67 I know he still had my number in my phone in March so presumably she got it from there. I am 99% sure that it's his wife. I believe she moved over here last February/March and that is why he ended it.

She asked a few other things like if I live in x area (where he is based) I just said no and didn't say where I live. If it was me who took him to see the lion king . She asked if I have any photos of us together but I had deleted them. This isn't the guy who kept contacting me. I just kept things factual and emotions out of it. I feel for her; they have 2 boys together and probabaly won't get divorced at they are Catholic.

He is protecting himself and painting me as the crazy obsessed girl who he never had anything to do with

@Dancerinthemoonlight, sounds like you are dealing with it well. If she continues to ask lots of questions I would try to put a halt to that. She's probably reeling from the confirmation of his actions. He's the one 100% at fault here.

@LongtimelurkerL
Sorry you didn’t get the answer you hoped for
but also you know now so can get straight out there - I’ve spent weeks/months before wondering if I’m still on with someone when they’re just not really wanting to pursue things....I agree lockdown weirdness contributes to things.

But also my theory is if a guy is properly interested he should be interested regardless of dates being a bit “awkward” right now...

He may get back in touch yet but the delayed/no reply means you are free to go meet/match others (I expect you were anyway but you won’t be prioritising him) .

I do agree on the rudeness as well - especially after you’ve had two physical meets and you’re not just chatting online... that’s unfortunately app etiquette in my experience, dating can be . Onwards and upwards!

@Dancerinthemoonlight

That’s mental. I agree with @Onesmallstep67 you’ve done nothing wrong and please put yourself first here.

Be factual if you want but also don’t get dragged into the drama - I mean you’d be perfectly entitled to block them both if you felt like it.

I feel for the wife but she’s ultimately going to want to protect her marriage and family and you’re a single person with your own problems to deal with and no ties to either of them.

@onesmallstep67 and @Bunkbedpeople I haven't heard from her in 2 hours so I don't think I will hear from her again. I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to contact me after she has confronted him. I just stayed factual with yes or no answers to her questions. I can't imagine how much she must be hurting.

I feel bad because I trusted the fucking twat although he never gave me any reasons not to. Going to try and put it out of my mind; I haven't done anything wrong and I am not going to get dragged into something

@LongtimelurkerL, I agree with Bunkbed, even with the strangeness of covid times he could by now have either messaged to either say yes, another date sounds good or thanks but I am not sure we are a match. If you feel ready, get back on the apps and find someone new to chat to.

Yeah I agree @Bunkbed and @Bunkbedpeople - i'm more saddened that he can't even be bothered to send me a 30 second 'not interested' text. RAH

I try to keep chatting to others all the time but I find so few I actually want to go on dates with that it does become hard

@Ruralbliss I agree completely with what @Onesmallstep67 says. You do sound invested. And trying to convince yourself or us that you are happy with FWB. If it was casual you'd have no need to feel insecure today? I hate that feeling. I blame it on sex hormones. But I didn't feel this way with Mr B when I was happy to be casual.

@Dancerinthemoonlight I had this in the last. Although we both dumped him so bonded for a bit over our hurt and working out what lies we had been told. If she gets back in touch now I'd say you have answered her questions and don't want to get involved any further and block her. Not your circus. Not your monkey.

Mr Sparky's just posted some photos of himself on Facebook with his new lady. Grrrrr. She's not that pretty (meow ).

I'm not sad....but I still am offended and angry that he didn't get the amazingness of me. Is that weird?

@crackofdoom I get that completely - that's how I feel about this guy! WTAF how dare he not have the basic respect to get how awesome I am . I genuinely don't understand how anyone has success with dating anymore. I've been doing this for almost 3 years

I KNEW it was a good idea to use you lot to open my brain. Thank you!

Nope I'm staying resolutely uninvested it's a really interesting personal experiment for me. I'm not seeing my imagination run away with future scenarios don't have him on the brain much.

I do really fancy him and enjoy hanging out with him when we're off duty & wankered on booze. We've had three sleepover dates which follow a great template of drinking, chatting (him mainly...), eating nice food, watching something funny, bed, brunch, chill & 'bye' with a minimal 'thanks for that' 'had a great time' text

Got an insight into how unbelievably busy he must be in the days between us seeing each other. He has loads and loads of projects in which all seem to be well managed. I've met my match in that respect as live life at 100mph.

The things that are niggling me are

1. the possibility of rejection.

No guarantee of a next date until it is mentioned & im v much letting him drive comms (minimal have heard nowt from him since I said I got home ok & got a 'cool' back). I guess I'll just deal with it as I've done with other dalliances. There's deffo no sign that he is up for anything other than a FB other than him announcing he'd deleted the apps and wasn't talking to anyone else early on. His (ahem) body language appears to indicate he fancies me.

1. He's set an annoyingly high bench mark that I think would be hard to match with another. That's jumping ahead though. Don't need to think about that until I do but it's giving me a depressed feel just thinking about it. Hard to explain. I'll try not to.

1. Not sure I would want anything more than current offering (once a week lockdown bubbling overnight) but doesn't match my dream of a relationship. I wasn't looking for a FB I was looking for a bf. So if it hasn't yet been established whether we'll only ever be FB then it's worth considering that it might become a bigger thing and viewing it through that lens.

I'll continue living in the present and let it play out. I'll focus heavily on all my things I've got going on aside from new dalliance & continue to think of it to be a very nice to have until it isn't for whatever reason.

@crackofdoom Not weird and a great stance to have I think being resolute in your value and knowing you are amazing and a catch

I had an iron earlier this year that I dated for two months but he 'went off the boil' I was weirded out that he'd rather be single than go out with me.

Worth remembering that although we are all the prize we ain't everyone's cup of tea for whatever reasons (pheromones?)

It's a funny old game isn't it. Sorry you had to see Mr Sparky's new iron. That's always hard to stomach. I stay away from social media entirely to avoid this (started with my XH and the OW) broadcasting their lurve then my first OLD fling finding his One two weeks after me et

@Ruralbliss having overnighters/being bubbled sounds like waaay more than FB but he sounds like a great FWB to have in these weird times when it’s so hard to meet anyone or to have sex unless you’re in a relationship. It sounds to me like you have your head screwed on here, especially that he’s just a nice aspect to your busy and productive life, not the angst-ridden centre of it. Just see how it plays out 😊

@Ruralbliss I agree with @TiggerDatter - you sound like you’re mentally sorted!

This guy just responded - 24 hours after I sent the text so now I’m confused again. Had all but given up on him

@LongtimelurkerL

Great he’s got back and I’m sure you have your own thoughts on how to proceed. Hopefully next meet can be more flirty! (Canned cocktails on a park bench?)

I’d personally stay open and optimistic if you want to meet and see how it pans out, but also be a little bit mindful of how this delay in communication is making you feel

(it might not be a problem for you and people do get busy but I know I’d struggle a little bit with anxiety if someone took 24 hours to reply...)

@LongtimelurkerL Stay cool - these are trying times and it sometimes requires some consideration of the when and how to fit someone in. We can't do anything in a venue and the evenings are too dark and dank to really meet someone we barely know safely. That just leaves the weekends when we have to manage chores, friends and family. 24 hours is nothing really - he may have had stuff happening. Yep, we could/should send a holding message to say we're thinking about ideas, the logistics ... but so many people just don't have the wherewithal or communication skills, and may rather come back to you with a formed plan. There's also a thing where you know you want to meet someone again, believe you've expressed that, and then when they ask again, it's confusing to you !

Fingers crossed on the new vaccination, though I expect it will take time for the impact to filter through.

I’m hoping to go into spring 2021 having achieved a few (non-dating) goals.

A supportive relationship would be the icing on the cake, but I don’t want an angst-ridden love affair

(that’s me telling myself as a reminder really - I still think loads about MrMilitary he really got under my skin).

Thanks @Bunkbedpeople and @HairyArsedMan - yeah we'd been messaging once or twice a day since matching on the apps so a 24 hour delay is not terribly unusual - the frequency of texts hasn't been loads anyway - I have previously been in a lot of 'love bombing' loads of texts relationships so am trying to think about this positively - we're both busy people and we're both replying with details about the last meeting/in jokes etc so I think that helps with the anxiety side of it. Someone once told me that early on they don't owe you a daily message which is true.
Yeah, I texted as you guys suggested and open endely said 'Thanks for the date - let me know if you fancy a drink this week' and he's replied and said 'bla bla random chat/in joke' and then 'will do' and that he's still sorting out his schedule for this week and that lockdown is making him busier somehow!
Not sure whether to just be cool and leave it to see if he contacts me again for a date or ???
Would def go more flirty if a third date materialises @BunkBedPeople!!!

Hi all, I've tried to pop in at times since I was posting more regularly earlier in the year but haven't had much to say. It's good to see a few familiar names too.

However I'm in need of a bit more of the amazing advice, or maybe just even a virtual slap round the cheek, or a hug.

So back before lockdown, I met Miss H. Things went slowly, partly as she has kids and worked long hours/weekends as well as the difficulties we all faced from March. But we've spent a fair bit of time together regardless, and I've grown very fond of her.

However, one of her children is rather ill with a long-term condition, and things took a turn for the worse a couple of weeks ago. I noticed a drop in contact after we last saw each other 2 weeks ago, and just had that anxious feeling that something was up. I didn't know at the time what had happened with her child, as she just withdrew and didn't want to speak but still we'd text each other every couple of days or so.

She's now just told me that she has too much going on, and doesn't want to see me any more - she only has the capacity to just get through the day, and try and process her own feelings about her child. She's really enjoyed seeing me, but wants me to be able to date someone who can give me their time and energy.

I'm not a parent, so I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to face the prospect of even considering she may not get her child back home. But I want to help her and support her through this, and be there for her. I've wanted to tell her I love her the last few times I've seen her - but held back as I was scared she wouldn't respond the same way. But we've just had a chat on the phone, and I've told her how I feel about her - but it hasn't changed anything other than her saying she'd think about what I said, however I got the impression she was 100% sure about her decision.

I'm pretty upset - both at the thought of losing her, and also knowing how much pain she is in and trying to deal with it alone. I'd love for her to change her mind, but I just don't think there's anything I can do :( But if anyone has any advice then I'd very much appreciate hearing it.

P.S. This year sucks :(

The Cat - how about backing off for now but giving practical help only eg shopping, I don’t know how enmeshed you are in her life, but childcare or whatever practical stuff she needs? But with no expectation of anything back. Just be there in the background not needing anything and see how it goes? I have not been in her situation but have felt overwhelmed by life so many times and just to have someone doing some heavy stuff in the background would have been a godsend I think. But do it as a helpful friend, not with an eye to getting into her bed/arms.

@TheCatWithTheHat oh I'm so sorry to hear your news.

I've been in a similar situation to Miss H unfortunately, so I totally get where she is coming from, and I think her reaction is completely natural and understandable. That really does suck for you of course. All I can advise is that you should abide by her wishes while letting her know that you are there as a supportive friend should she need you. Try not to dwell too much on the torment she is going through - hard, I know, but you will only be torturing yourself for no reason. Don't count on her changing her mind. Sorry. for you both

Agree with the advice given @TheCatWithTheHat This is an awful thing for her to deal with. She will very clearly not have the emotional capacity to deal with your emotions too. If you can be low key helpful - shopping, meals etc without expecting anything at all (not even a conversation) in return then so that. But definitely listen to what she wants.

Thanks @BlueDaysTillChristmas @TiggerDatter and @Notcoolmum,

I've not been introduced to her kids, but have helped her with things like shopping before so would be more than happy to do that again. I did say on the phone that I'd like to be there for her, but didn't offer anything practical. I might text her later just to let her know I'm happy to help with more practical things if needed, with no pressure/expectations.

I really feel for her, and totally get that she isn't in the right headspace for dating right now - but I just want to be there for her.

Just feeling very sad, as I have become very fond of her.

Some good advice I read was not to offer to help. As that becomes another burden. She then has to think how you can help. But maybe do a shop? Make a meal. All left with no/low contact. It has to be you genuinely helping her. Not you finding ways to see her.

That sounds really tough @TheCatWithTheHat - as someone who’s struggled before yes to the material help but with no expeditions. Be a good friend I guess

It hadn't occurred to me that offering help would be an additional burden, but I can see why it might be. I could drop off some shopping for her, but to me that seems a bit more intrusive so I think I'm better off just leaving her alone for now. I've said what I want to say, and have offered to help, so all I can do is give her some space and let her get in touch if/when she is ready.

I hate the way these things come out of the blue. Last time I saw her, we had a lovely weekend together and there was no sign she was having any second thoughts.