Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

LOL @eesha I completely agree - I just want to try out new restaurants from trip-advisor.

Instead my dating life this year has been governed by deployments/if we are going to invade Iran or not/me in serious recovery and wondering if or when I’ll be 100%/R numbers and sex by shielding. Oil price recession may affect it now

We all need T-shirt’s saying “if I survived lockdown dating 2020 I can survive anything ”!

@mayzee loving the 90s music theme idea, enjoy

@Dancerinthemoonlight

I’m a clothes person (though I’m trying to go more minimalist right now) and if I look good in a dress I ALWAYS think to myself “don’t waste the pretty, you need to go out on a date NOW”

Then again I don’t think most men I end up dating appreciate the finer points of clothing so..... Which is a shame as I do like putting an outfit together. That’s part of the pleasure of a planned date for me - picking clothes and getting excited about the venue.

Hello!
God....bunkbedpeople....your patience in waiting for Mr C! Come back you bugger!! . This is some kind of Victorian engagement- level shit!

Mr Double Decker is coming over tonight for a sleepover. Having initially started talking when he was staying in Wales, and then having nearly bought a house a 2 hour drive away, he is now living 3 miles down the road. So, he will be cycling, which is good- nobody will clock his massive van and notice that I am Infringing . I'm not infringing with anybody else, so I'm guessing he counts as a support bubble, yeah??

Still chatting with Mr BigCityBoy- I may have inadvertently invited myself potholing with him, and am going to have to do some frantic rowing back. Didn't realise that the gorgeous underground chambers he sent me photos of require crawling through tiny tunnels on your hands and knees to get to!

The hazards of staying Facebook friends with old flames: I have just had cause to post "Men Explain Things to Me" by Rebecca Solnit on one of Mr Sparky's posts. Do.Not.Fucking. "like" my shared article about Fox News abandoning Trump- complete with my take on the situation- and then patronisingly point out to me, 5 minutes later, that Fox News has abandoned Trump. I KNOW THAT YOU FUCKWIT. AND HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IT? BECAUSE YOU LEARNT IT FROM ME

@bunkbedpeople that is me aswell. If I look good I think I need to go on a date. I have got rid of a dress after wearing it to too many rubbish first dates. I have been annoyed that I wasted an amazing dress, good hair and makeup on a less than stellar first date aswell. Most men really don't notice that you have dressed up or put in the effort.

@Bunkbedpeople you’re so right about most men not appreciating outfit choices! I dated a man two years ago who really got it, loved admiring dresses and lingerie and slowly taking them off - so erotic. Whereas most just use their x-ray eyes to work out what’s underneath, so you might as well be wearing a bin bag.

@cravingthelook good luck with the new house. I have to say I find it rather sad that Mr Swan, who is supposed to be your friend, dives off the radar when you have a big week on...

I won’t be seeing MrGN for four weeks now, after a very intense pre-lockdown week-long love-in 😍. Lots to do though, filing and decorating and work.

@crackofdoom

Lol yeh it is mental!

There is method to my madness though (kind of ).

I do want to get ahead with finances/my next career stage so being on a romantic promise rather than having to take money/time/energy to meet new people on dates works better right now.

I wouldn’t say it’s been amazing fireworks or I’ll cry for days if he disappears, but just “an attractive decent bloke to build something with” seems an ok bet right now

Plus (lot of ifs here) IF we get on well when he gets back we’re walking distance of each other and he’ll be “100% off” so completely free for hanging out with and getting some quality time in.

Ideally he won’t get made redundant due to oil recession cuts but we’ll see - obviously it makes no difference to me what he does or doesn’t earn, but I know men can go into a mental flop if they don’t feel like the big earner.

(Lol at the mansplaining - is it just me or does it just get more and more obvious/frustrating the older you get?)

Long time lurker so having been reading. Now have my own dilemma I need help with - second date with great guy, seem to really get on. Quite cool on the texting front but one or two back and forth for the 8 days between the first and second dates. Second date today - walk by the river (lockdown what else can you do) - seemed to go well, we chatted constantly, laughed, shared some family/friend details. But at the end I decided to let him lead (fyi end of first date I said ‘let me know if you’d like to go out again’ and he texted me the afternoon after the evening date) so didn’t say anything. We both had masks on as at a train station going our separate ways so no kiss or hand holding or anything on the date and as we said goodbye he said ‘let’s keep in touch’
What do I do now? Is that a definite ‘doesn’t want to see me again’ or????

@LongtimelurkerL

I don’t think there’s enough information to say yes or no really - if you yourself want to see him again maybe think of a plan and send him a non pressurised message.

As it’s third date it maybe needs to go a bit flirtier/drunker?

“Hey X, hope you’re well. was thinking would be nice to grab some alcohol and a takeaway out in Y park? Let me know if you fancy some time.”

(I wouldn’t do any chasing or chatting after that one message - if he doesn’t pick it up leave it)

I personally struggled with the whole walking round a park SD dates (and that was in the summer so warmer!)

but if I’m out dating this winter that’s what I’ll do.

Thanks @Bunkbedpeople - what more info would help? I don’t want to look stupid if he’s def not interested 😫! I’m the very worst dater

Sorry @LongtimelurkerL I meant I genuinely wouldn’t know what he thinks or feels based on two ok meets.

I’ve found some guys aren’t that “smooth” in pushing for dates. They don’t want to be the creepy guy!

In fact, I’ve found with the ones who are really pushy with contact it’s often because they are players/desperate/just want sex ASAP?

Like I said I’d just message in a low key friendly way. That’s what I’d do.

if he ignores you or doesn’t respond well then you’ll never see each other again so it doesn’t really matter, it’s only one message and you can go and meet others ?

That makes a lot of sense. Thanks 😊

@Bunkbedpeople i think you might be me, I love clothes and have so many beautiful things but ended up buying a parka for my dates. So much for sexy outfits!

bunkbed my most recent ex used to buy me dresses and underwear and jewellery and he always got it right. There was not one single thing I didn't like. And he loved doing it. It was great. And then he dumped me. But at least I've got a lot of stuff to remember him by.

lurker absolutely agree with the advice you've been given - send a breezy message opening the door to date three and see if he walks through it. If he doesn't, move on.

I have no dates, no irons, nothing. Which is a shame as I've just bought an excellent top and I want to wear it. Instead I'll stay at home with the DC and their father, who I'm stuck in a house with, and hope for better things around the corner. And wine.

I think I might have just been asked out on a date in the new year by a guy I went to uni with. He was a bit of a prick at uni but might have grown up. He was just checking in to see how things are and talking about future goals etc. I mentioned how I was going to get back into dating in the New Year and he asked me if I would like to go for a drink when things are more normal. Future goals don't exactly align but its hard to tell on messages. Nothing like my normal type but I might meet him for a drink; if anything just to talk about old times.

Hello everyone, I hope you're all surviving Lockdown II thus far. @LongtimelurkerL - agree with the others here ref how to proceed... sending support as it all feels so gruesome trying to work out how to step through the landmine-infested field of early dating.

I saw my iron yesterday - obviously our ridiculous idea to go away this weekend to Tenerife did NOT happen, but we went for a walk/drive for the afternoon which was hilariously chaste and came after a Wednesday afternoon 'last chance saloon' meeting at my place before lockdown rules started. I've been feeling positive in general about everything, for once it all feels relatively sane and with good communication between us, but this is interspersed with horrendous feelings of doubt and fear and I do wonder sometimes how I ever managed to have a relationship at any point in my life, as the process of attaching to a new person feels so fraught for me.

Talking through it all with my therapist is helpful and I think a first - if only I'd been able to examine these feelings PROPERLY before attaching to my ex husband, as it would have avoided years and years of misery. Realising only now that early relationship drama and conflict really is a recipe for utterly disaster rather than some sort of indication of 'meant to be' passion . Slightly depressing to be having these revelations aged 50!

I'm in court next month with my ex as he is trying to get 50/50 shared care with our children and really really wish this was not happening right now as it feels too early to share much of my thoughts/difficulties around this with MrR and obviously it's a huge thing that's going on.

[quote Eesha]@Bunkbedpeople i think you might be me, I love clothes and have so many beautiful things but ended up buying a parka for my dates. So much for sexy outfits![/quote]
That made me laugh @Eesha - I turned up for my date yesterday and he said "you look.... comfortable!" - because YES, that's exactly the 'knock em dead' look I was going for!

Thanks @freelancedolly - I agree I’d rather people just made it clear! I loathe dating!
Sorry to hear about your ex

@freelancedolly it’s shit when there’s personal drama going on in your life when you are in the early stages of starting something. I was the same never know how much to share - don’t want to appear ‘drama’ but at the same time if you are hoping to have a full on relationship with this person it’s nice to be able to talk to them about things. Hope the hearing does the way you want it to.
Nothing to report on my side - Mr G has not been in touch at all and after my suggestion to meet and knockback I’m reluctant to initiate contact. I have the feeling this is a fade out situation which sucks but on I go.
I’ve been chatting to an iron who wants to meet for a takeaway coffee outside this week so I think I’ll reopen my options and meet him.

@Mayzee - I know it's hard but I think this is actually a good position to be in - you have done the hard thing (making contact) and you now know it is definitely up to him to make the next move. If he doesn't, you have your answer (hard though that is). What do YOU think about him? If you're honest do you think you're a good match? What are/were your hopes for things with him - can only speak for myself but I often get so caught up in the 'OH GOD I'M NOT BEING REJECTED AM I??' aspect I forget to stop and think about whether I care that much in the first place. I am definitely triggered by the mere suggestion I'm being rejected even if I don't like them . Bit pathetic on my part.

Oh blimey @freelancedolly that’s not what you want ! I’ve messaged the second date guy - Hi XXX, thanks for the lovely walk yesterday, hope you had fun being familish 😉. Let me know if you fancy a drink this week? - I reckon he won’t reply but fingers crossed

You’re so right @freelancedolly and @Mayzee this is the same thing for me. We’ve sent the message and now the ball is in their court. FWIW I think me and this guy could be great together but I don’t think he’ll reply because the whole covid thing has made the two dates less datey than they’d be in normal times. What will be will be. Trying to make peace with that. Fingers crossed for you @Mayzee

@freelancedolly i empathise about not wanting to share personal stuff so early when it's stressful. I shared a tiny bit about my abusive ex and it just opened the door to more questions and I regretted it. My new partner doesn't understand the dynamics when you are trying to keep the peace at times and I feel like I'm raising the red flag card to him!

I'm finding it hard to stay positive at present with the lockdown etc. Hopefully time will fly and I need to find things to look forward to.

@freelancedolly that’s a good point actually! Is it the fact of rejection that’s bugging me more than losing this person hmm need to think about that! I really like him but there are loads of obstacles in the way of us making a proper go of things (family mainly) but I’ve been living date to date in these early days so if there’s no date then what is there?
I’ve been busy all weekend and really not surprised not to hear from him so that says a lot 🤔
Thanks @LongtimelurkerL it’s shitty when there’s a waiting game and this whole covid thing is a pain to say the least. Nothing is normal and @Eesha I’m like you struggling to keep positive.
My main thing is if I knew lockdown was going to end on 1 December and there would be restaurants/bars open at least partially that we could plan dates and have things to look forward to. But at this stage there is no indication (at least here in Ireland) as to what level we will be at after this one. I love the social run up to Christmas normally- it’s going to be so different this year. I want to go to a bar and spend ridiculous money on cocktails and fancy gins with a nice man on my arm

@Mayzee yes, its this never ending lockdown which is depressing me a bit. My iron and I have never been to a restaurant together and dating for now will be confined to walks. It seems like we have missed a bit of the early fun stuff because of covid stress, then his health issues plus other unromantic stuff. Even he feels like the world is against us at times and I think we have had to be very solid early on to make it work somehow. It would be nice just to have a proper romantic day/night out! That said, his birthday is post lockdown and I'm hoping that will be a proper night out. I'm hoping Boris doesn't extend the lockdown as I've only gone and got a dress!!!

Just sold a household good to a very personable man (clearing out/decluttering)

Lovely accent, bit geeky....

Still holding out for MrC but a reminder of how despite all the yoga and meditation and zen I’m a biological woman and I MISS THE FLIRTING.

Literally if things don’t work out with MrC I’m back on the apps first thing, if I have to date outdoors in wellies and a puffer I’m all in!

(As you were everyone)

(I think I’m missing real life people a bit, lucky I’m working “outside” soon or I’ll be humping the postman’s leg)