Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Mayzee sounds a lot like my iron Mr VW. I'd definitely ask the question.
I didn't a few weekends ago and regretted it as afterwards we both couldn't work out why we didn't get together.

@HairyArsedMan

I would also add *@Mayzee*, embellishing something from a discussion with a friend ... "when you have a great time with someone in person, and like them, text can be such a contrast; the format makes it feel like there's some distance"

This is so true

@Ruralbliss thanks I’m dropping my kids at 7 and then I’m going to come home and pour a glass of wine and be brave

I do think it’s quite emotionally normal after coming out of fairly traumatic/unpleasant interactions to have mild anxiety over fairly innocuous social requests?

Like overall the quality of my life is fine now (touch wood) , but I’ve had abusive/unreliable friendships and relationships in the past, plus no decent family

so that’s sort of “moved my standard of decent behaviour” down.

But asking someone for a perfectly normal social thing in a normal low key way is fine - if they don’t respond pleasantly or politely that’s a sign to move on myself rather than think I’VE done something wrong.

I agree with that totally @Bunkbedpeople - bad and difficult upbringings and subsequent relationships completely skew your view of what you might be entitled to expect. It’s really tough to get over yourself sometimes.

@Bunkbedpeople agree totally. I’m second guessing myself all the time - affected by both my marriage and my early dating experiences where I felt like a burden so I hate to feel that now and overthink to the point of avoidance. Easier to not ask than put your head over the parapet🙈 q

@Mayzee I have come from an abusive relationship and tend to second guess myself too, thinking I'm a burden on someone so I can see where you are coming from. But there is nothing wrong with asking when it's something important to you.

I dropped Mr Yoga a note and it turns out he was en route to hospital after an injury. He called me on his way and then on the way home and Facetimed me most of the evening. I've learnt to be straightforward when I can (he's autistic) and we cleared the air on communication styles etc (he may not respond for ages which frustrates me but he's usually busy!). Things are so much easier in person! My worries drift away. It does look like we will be observing lockdown rules more stringently than I hoped but hoping this month flies by.

Well I asked and he’s not on for it so I guess I have my answer :( he said he was helping his mam with something and then has to work. I’m disappointed and do feel like a bit of fool making the running!
I’m going to step back and see if he bothers arranging anything going forward.

@Mayzee Don't feel foolish, you asked because you were free. I would let him ask you next time or let him reschedule with you.

Well, I have turned off Bumble for the lockdown (forever probably) - since we can't do anything except meet outdoors there's not much point.

Plus, the most recent guy I matched with started on Covid conspiracy theories and told me "dO SoMe ReSeArCh" - apparently you can "find everything out on the internet" (some people shouldn't be allowed the internet). So that was level Dean -1!

I just unmatched him. I have a 'chat' with a guy I matched with pre lockdown and he said while we can't meet he'd like to stay in touch, I said yes, that would be nice and that we can meet outside - that was 1st and today is the first time I've heard from him since, so he's not exactly dynamic.

A guy in my walking group has been texting me a bit, and sends me a daft meme now and then (I really hate that, not that he knows) and we've exchanged a few comments, and he has suggested we meet up for a walk when I am back (I'm away with my bubble) so I'll contact him next weekend.

Another guy in my walking group last week said to let him know if I want to meet up for a walk. So, two walks next weekend.

Oh, and my POF contact who I friend-zoned is coming to meet me at my bubble for a walk tomorrow (2.5 hour drive each way - bit excessive, not sure he's quite 'got' the friend thing!).

@Mayzee sorry you didn't get the reply you wanted. You absolutely did the right thing asking, now you know he's busy and you won't have to wonder.

Mayzee - it's right to ask and then to know, there's no need to feel silly.

Plus it does actually sound as if he's just busy (though, admittedly, not prioritising you) - it's hard to know how to act in this lockdown to be honest. I wouldn't personally be meeting anyone indoors nor being intimate with anyone right now.

I agree @mayzee you’ve done the right thing.

Like you say it stings a bit but you know now that you’ve put yourself forward, he knows you want to meet

if you do think he’s detaching a bit then it’s probably better to find out sooner so you can get back out there ASAP and not waste your time.

After I met MrMilitary late last year I tried to politely detach as I wasn’t sure I wanted the mental load of long distance dating a younger military pilot with big deployments.

Plus we had cracking chemistry and he was a gentleman in some ways but also cold in others and my feelings had been slightly bruised.

When I tried to detach, he sent loads of messages - much longer than his previous ones - telling me not to, etc etc.

I was flattered so I agreed to date exclusively. I had the feelz for sure!

I referred to him as “my bloke” jokingly/flirtatiously and he sent back a very dismissive series of messages along the lines of “what do you mean by that?” .

I knew then I had to be wary? So even though my ego was dented, I put him on the back burner emotionally and opened myself to meeting others when I could.

And overall that was the right decision over time, even though at the time I felt

@Mayzee You are the prize remember. There'll be blokes out there who are delighted to be dating you if this one isn't keep swiping and in the next few weeks you'll start chatting to someone who is your type just as much. And you'll forget about this brief dalliance.
Or he'll come back next week asking when you can rendezvous again...

Good luck.

I’m having a swanky single woman weekend with a cheap fry up breakfast with my book. wander round town, go for a run. Finances still tight so needs to be fun and cheap.

My freelance contract starts week after next so going to have less time then so trying to make the most of the dead time for now to chill.

Might try to find something really good to watch - I don’t have Netflix but there’s a site called openculture with lots of free posh foreign films so will feel virtuous watching one.

MrC messaged this morning and was very pleasant as usual but no return date (I didn’t ask and he didn’t tell).

We discussed things to do when he’s back (things to watch etc).

I’m half “enjoying planning with him” and half “feeling stupid” as I’ve had so many dating false starts, future faking, chemistry not staying etc.

What will be will be.

Hope it’s not soon soon as my skin seems to have erupted into teenage zit hell and I’ve been picking

I hope the freelance stuff comes out well - I think it will be good for me psychologically just being out and meeting new people who aren’t irons for a while (fingers crossed no weirdos or workplace bullying).

Soundss like a great bit of me-time planned there @Bunkbedpeople and for superior to talking to dire blokes!

Hope the temp contract goes well.

Enjoy @Bunkbedpeople

I'm still busy with the house.... had to deal with a plumbing emergency yesterday. Broke 2 nails in the process, hope my girl can fit me in for fixing today.

So much to do ... I've even emptied 2 more boxes this morning while making tea.

I shouldn't have tried to do this wfh at same time. Feeling a bit broken tbh. Almost had a bit of a cry during the plumbing issue but instead put the rubber gloves on and dealt with it.

I asked Alexa to shuffle my music and she played 'warrior' by Hannah Kerr 😁😁😁 even Alexa is trying to boost me.

Horrific week and of course Mr Swan is awol ... 4 no substance messages at the beginning of the week.
I'm done, I've not even bothered trying.

Mr Castle came Tuesday. Brought me wine and processco for the new house we made dinner but he left after sex again. He made a joke about being a panda and I guess it's true. I'm ok with it because he's been 100% up front and honest about what he wants, he checks in by WhatsApp a couple of times a week. I know I'll get bored eventually, but it's ok for now.

Talking to a couple others and plan to do a walk with them when I have time next week.

Mr Planner messaged on Tuesday when Mr Castle was here so naturally ignored it for a few hours, I didn't feel that internal ping of wanting to read it straight away which is good. When I did reply I was a ice queen and didn't bother responding to his last reply.
Every time I think of his actions I think he must be a player or a coward... I think the latter. Either way I'm not interested in those behaviour traits.

Thanks @Ruralbliss @cravingthelook
Very well done on the house move I expect now is the tough time but in a month you’ll be reaping the rewards and enjoying chilling in your new zone! Have you got lots of decoration planned?

Done my yoga so far (smug) I find my days can often emotionally oscillate a bit so now is good but might have a slump later on. Which is fine.

Anyone else for the weekend roll call/check-in?

I've got Date #5 with my only iron later. (Sleepover #3) Will be interesting as I'm post operative gynae procedure yesterday and as we are support bubble FBs only not sure how that will pan out but looking forward to being off duty with him, watching something funny, getting wasted and eating food I haven't had to cook.
He said he'd drive me out to see a regional outdoors thing I've wanted to see for ages in his swanky car tomorrow so should all be good.

Hope everyone has cosy weekend. Proper frosty and foggy here today.

Rural your date weekend sounds great ... I'm a wee bit jealous

Bunk thanks, decorator has been in since Tuesday he's done the wee ones room, bathroom and my bedroom. Once they are all finished on Tuesday I'll take some pictures. That's all I can afford just now. Next jobs can get done next year.

@Bunkbedpeople my update : MrYoga has injured himself so we are just staying in touch via FaceTime this weekend!

Oh dear @eesha I hope he gets better soon.

@Ruralbliss that sounds a very pleasant deal for the weekend with the TLC. I like caring men.

@cravingthelook all sounds good, roll on Wednesday when you get your own space back...

@Eesha hope he is not too badly hurt and feels better soon
@Ruralbliss your plans sound amazing - enjoy it all. And thanks for the ‘you are the prize reminder’ I needed it :)
@Bunkbedpeople I do feel he is detaching a bit but it could be to do with the shitty situation we are all in rather than not being interested- time will tell but I’m thinking of reopening my options again as I let myself get too invested every time which leads to hurt and madness 😂 enjoy your ‘me day’
@cravingthelook congratulations on your new home. It must be exciting as well as stressful. I’m about to get a load of work done on my house so it’s upside down at the moment and making me want to cry! Laughing at the panda reference - it sounds like a good arrangement while it’s good for you :)
@VanGoghsDog yes it’s the not prioritising me that stings but he is pretty straightforward and so I do believe he is being truthful about being busy. I just would have liked to have been a thought somewhere in there
Anyway my plan for today is to blare the 90’s dance music and de clutter and clean my kids bedrooms. Wine and a bath later - it’s my first full weekend without the kids in 6 weeks so I am going to enjoy every second of peace:)

@Mayzee @Bunkbedpeople He will need stitches but seems ok. It's such a strange time for us all so I wonder whether it's even possible to have normal relationships. Mr Yoga and I have been seeing each other for 4 months and have only ever done walks and picnics and navigated more of the serious stuff like health issues, drunken exes, mental health! No bars, restaurants or comedy gigs or all the things I once regularly did. A new normal.

My non update. Put on a lovely dress that I bought in January and never worse, I now fit into perfectly and went to the supermarket. This dress really needs to see an office or to go on a date.
Going for my daily walk later and will do my usual job applications. Essentially just the same stuff on a different day. Have an online course to complete and a book to read courtesy of the lovely @cravingthelook.
Did have a little wobble wanting to go back on the apps today just for some attention. I am staying strong until the new year.