Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@1stevernamechange

He’s actually messaged this morning saying “Morning, how are you?” Now I’m confused!

We have all had men with sketchy comms for various reasons - either because they are just bad at it but in person they are fine; they are multi chatting or they are fading you out. You need to decide for yourself what you can live with and take it from there - so respond if you want but on the basis that you are not expecting much. I have done the whole texting ‘your communication is a bit shit’ with a precious iron and things improved for a bit then completely stopped for weeks before reappearing a couple of times. I genuinely don’t think there was anyone else but simply that I wasn’t a priority!

@WeWantTheFinestWines

I'm the same. I'm all about profile words and pretty easy going on looks.

I have a firm no words = left swipe unless they have a photo of them playing a musical instrument.

I love a wittily written profile and can't abide 'I'm really funny' My own profile is written with humour and says a load of stuff about me (professional, energetic, optimistic etc) & what I like in a guy (left wing, musical etc)

Seems to work as I don't generally get dire blokes matching with me...

@Mayzee my latest iron is crap at textual comms but surprised me by being a right chatterbox in person

I've got overinvested with men who appeared to have a lot of hilarious text chat & loads of mutual things in common but then were boring mutes in person.

My old stance was that 24/7 text chat with an iron or someone I was exclusive with was a Must-have but actually I'm finding the independence from my latest iron not being on my phone constantly healthy and refreshing.

Keep an open mind & heart!

Just had my freelance interview and it really struck me how wfh/having quite a solitary year has turned me weird - I was babbling utter crap at the project manager .

I’m introverted so know I can enjoy my own company but I just want to sit with someone and chat shit and have a takeaway.

(Come home soon MrC!!!!!)

I think that’s maybe why I’ve been drawn to military/seamen types despite some practical issues and though “on paper” I might not have much in common.

I’m quite an intense analytical over thinker by nature (you’d never guess it reading my posts ) so I like the whole chilled out unflappable personality type.

(I want to join an argument on AIBU just because I’m feeling lonely )

@Ruralbliss Mr G is also minimal on the chat but we talk non stop when together. I’m happy with that because the difference is he sends something every day be it a silly meme or a how’s your day going so I know I’m on his radar somewhere and I’m fine not having long drawn out text exchanges full of bullshit I just wish I could see him in person more often but not possible at the moment ...I am hoping to see him this weekend if he’s on for breaking the lockdown rules

@Bunkbedpeople I’m introverted too and love my own company but this year has been a step too far in that regard 😂 if I wasn’t seeing Mr G I would be on the apps making penpals all over the place

Technically I haven’t discussed exclusivity with MrC, so I suppose I “could” get back on the apps as a general random chat/make friends thing.

I haven’t asked him what he’s done or not done with his profile.

I took all profiles down the day we met but nothing to do with him, I had a break scheduled anyway.

(I prefer to concentrate on one guy at a time, but sometimes I’m not sure if that’s genuinely what works for me or just my guilt ridden mother /religious upbringing internally slut-shaming me )

Hopefully it’s just another month/4 weeks and then when he’s back it will be clearer for both of us if this thing has legs or not.

I’ve had occasional emotional blips with the long distance contact

But right now is good so hopefully things will continue on this trend.

I’m very mindful that it’s easy to get into imagining him as this perfect guy because of the distance/anticipation when actually we need to do more time together to see if we really gel on a day to day basis

I have deleted all my profiles and deleted the apps off my phone. I am now on a break until January at the earliest.
This time I am actually looking forward to the break. I have lots of things in the next few months to focus on including the job search.
I know that I am more than enough, happy within myself and have found my worth this year.
I will still be on the thread and my inbox is open to anyone who is feeling down/stressed about the lockdown.

Sounds a good plan @Dancerinthemoonlight and yy to staying here to chat/check in!

I thought last year I was quite a seasoned dater but actually I’ve learned so much sharing/letting off steam and hearing from everyone else’s experiences.

Which is good policy for when I actually am active on the apps

@Ruralbliss I'm in Scotland so no lockdown for me yet.

We were messaging and I got impatient so I just asked outright if he was asking me for date 2 😂 said he was thinking he might yeh. Not heard since tho so probably not interested 💁🏻‍♀️

Mrtall messaged all day but not heard from him tonight yet.

Happy bonfire night all

Well my messages on Pof have gone mad. Obs due to lockdown has anyone else found that. Still the usual strange ones but two or three that I will message back
Can't do any harm can it, keep me entertained during lockdown

That's a strong move @Dancerinthemoonlight there'll be a replenished pot for you to explore when you return. I think a self focussed sabbatical is a great idea. Good luck with job hunting.

@Ruralbliss Thank you, I am treating job hunting a little like dating in it being a numbers game. I know that I probably won't get my dream job at the moment but it will be nice to get something that I enjoy doing, to keep the money coming in and to keep me busy; the dream job can come later.

I have made a few rubbish dating decisions in previous years around this time of year so it is nice to take some time out and just be me for awhile. There will probably be new men that I haven't spoken to before and I was just matching with men 'who were looking for their queen' and had reached level Dean and beyond

I have a bit of a WWYD for you lovely ladies in my phone :) I have my first child free weekend in 6 weeks and ideally would have liked to see Mr G maybe tomorrow night. BUT we were texting briefly last night and he mentioned he had a bad week in work and would likely to have to work a bit over the weekend. I too said I will have to do a bit of work which is annoying because it’s my first weekend in ages bla bla but I was looking forward to the weekend nonetheless.
He didn’t suggest meeting and conversation tailed off - fine and usual. Now my dilemma is he could be thinking we are in lockdown so won’t ask to meet breaking rules etc, his work could take up entire weekend but that didn’t seem to be the case from what he said, or he’s not feeling it anymore.
He’s not a great talker/communicator by text (is in person) and he is very contained- no flattery sexy talk ever so I really don’t know what he thinks of me tbh!
I want to let him know that I would be on for meeting if he’s free (breaking lockdown rules!) but I really don’t want to make a fool of myself if he’s phasing things out.
He makes contact every day sometimes in response to me sometimes without me contacting him so I think he’s interested but who knows with this whole dating thing!!
Would I appear to be desperate if I say something like ‘fancy some company tomorrow night if work is done’ or should I just leave it? I’ll be so embarrassed if he says no so I’m leaning towards saying nothing

That was v long sorry

Oh god I feel your pain @Mayzee

I dunno, if this interaction has legs longer term then you’re going to want someone you comfortably can communicate openly with about your wants and needs?

Saying you want to see someone you’re dating and intimately involved with (who also likes you) isn’t like turning up at his parents house for Xmas in a wedding dress.

You come across as a sensible and thoughtful reserved person I hardly think you’re being pushy or needy.

So I’d message him casually (and grit my teeth). But easier said than done I know!

@Mayzee i think he's already said he has to work so you have your answer really. Try and keep busy with other things. If its any consolation, I'm in the same boat with Mr Yoga and sent the message to ask if we are doing anything today/tmw and no response. In Mr Yogas case, he has form for being busy and last minute and almost being scared to tell me! So i just tell him my availability and leave it at that.

@Mayzee, I would ask the question. Suggest meeting if he's got some free time after his work. Say you understand that it's lockdown but it'd be lovely to catch up in person. Say you understand if it makes him feel uncomfortable. Now if I got that message and I liked the person who sent it I would be keen to say either, 'yes, let's do it ' or ' I'd love to but I feel uncomfortable breaking lockdown'. I think if people find open communication difficult (but you don't) then as Bunkbed said, you are going to struggle going forward. When is the lockdown in Ireland due to ease ?

Thanks everyone - @Onesmallstep67 1st December 🙈 I don’t think he is overly concerned with restrictions in that he suggested our last meet up when they had started but on a lesser level but if I do ask I’ll check in that way you have suggested.
And @Bunkbedpeople I also agree with the open communication issue. I think we are both quite reserved which is a recipe for a communication disaster really😆. The main issue is we have hardly seen each other to know if this thing has legs or not. The more I chat to someone and meet them face to face the more comfortable and at ease I get - our circumstances mean that that has been virtually impossible! I think there’s something worth pursuing once we get over this awful covid shit but you ladies know as much as I do whether he feels the same 😂
I want to look him in the eye and ask him!
@Eesha thanks for the alternative viewpoint of not contacting. He works from home and he mentioned the working before I mentioned I was free so he could have been preempting me suggesting anything or assuming I wouldn’t be on because of lockdown.
I think I’ll sleep on it and decide tomorrow whether to message -Either way I’m going to enjoy my child free weekend alone or otherwise as it’s a badly needed break- I’ve had a rough few weeks with work and kids.

@Mayzee " he is very contained - no flattery sexy talk ever so I really don’t know what he thinks of me tbh! I want to let him know that I would be on for meeting if he’s free (breaking lockdown rules!) but I really don’t want to make a fool of myself if he’s phasing things out.
He makes contact every day sometimes in response to me sometimes without me contacting him so I think he’s interested but who knows with this whole dating thing!!"

This is me all over. Ask him if he wants to meet up and then maybe ask him to decide when and where so you split the load of planning the date. He's not phasing things out if he gets in touch every day.

@Mayzee - you have to ask him. You can do it in a non-bunny boiler way - just say "fancy meeting up over the weekend?" and see what he says. I know the fear of rejection oh so well, but what future if you can't ask him in a non-pushy way if he might be around over the next few days?

Alternatively, as per @Bunkbedpeople, try the wedding dress thing and tell us all how it went!

@WeWantTheFinestWines ha ha I still have my wedding dress from my marriage I’ll dig it out 😂

@HairyArsedMan thanks it’s good to hear he’s not the only fairly straightforward contact person - and that you think he is still interested!

The other complicating factor is if we meet up it will have to be at his as I don’t want him to come to mine with ex issues etc. So it means I’d be suggesting a meet up but also inviting myself over 😂
Oh look I think I’ll brave it - nothing ventured nothing gained and all that 🙈

I would also add @Mayzee, embellishing something from a discussion with a friend ... "when you have a great time with someone in person, and like them, text can be such a contrast; the format makes it feel like there's some distance"