Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

It's lovely to hear that there are some happy ones out there who can bubble up and get each other through miserable November. I have given up - weirdly after paying for a month on match to see my likes. Don't know what possessed me.

@HairyArsedMan I don't know whether to encourage you to enjoy whatever it is you have with Miss T, or worry about you liking her more than she likes you and telling you to be careful and look after yourself. Maybe a bit of both.

We should all have fun and be careful, I suppose. Not always an easy balance to strike.

Hope everyone is ok... I'm in my new house, so much to do but I'm in.

I've got a couple of chats, but I'm so busy.

Mr Castle is coming over tomorrow evening ... dinner and sex it is. Maybe that once a week is enough just now.

Hope it’s ok to drop in. Wondering if people come across the word “kind” on profiles? I’ve had a bunch recently and chatting to 2 with this on their profile. Trying to work out whether this is a good, bad or irrelevant (In a similar vein to a claim to being honest is a bit of a red flag, ie shouldn’t that be the default). I may of course have crossed the line into paranoia.

First proper post since I've started online dating.

Had a couple of dates but only one I'm quite keen on mrsilver. Was smiling throughout the date and everytime I think of him! he's messaged a few times but not sure if he's interested.

Also messaging another guy mrtall who looks hot in his pics and we have great chat.

Meeting another guy for a second date tomorrow. On paper we are great but not sure if a spark yet but will see 🙂

Hope you are all going to cope ok in lockdown - it really sucks.

@DudefromThatLondon

I personally don’t really like descriptions of character traits on profiles - both in terms of who they are or who they’re looking for?

Especially as a lot of it is down to perception -

Words like “independent/intelligent/kind/old-fashioned/original/genuine/relaxed/GSOH” are a bit meaningless really?

Plus like you say people who say they are honest/genuine/make a big thing about being intelligent often are just a bit weird with a chip on their shoulder.

I feel the modern way is to have photos and a line or two at most and then find out more and do more screening in chat!

That said, I really wouldn’t immediately red flag anyone - just continue chatting and communicating and see what happens?

Well done @cravingthelook what a huge milestone and a big project too. Hope you are very happy in your new home.

All good here. Support bubble date (#5) with Mr VW arranged for Saturday if I'm up to it after Friday's, ahem, procedure. I'm up for being away from my kids in an amazing space with someone else cooking that's for sure

Still happy with the minimal contact between dates. Three one-word texts per day. A mid week phone call and that's it.
It allows me to not over invest or moon over him and get on with being professional when working and a good mum when I'm at home.
No longer feel angsty feel secure. Secure monogamous under invested FBs I would describe each other as.

Surely if he's messaged a few times that shows interest, jigglypuff? Has either of you broached the subject of a second date?

Surely if he's messaged a few times that shows interest, jigglypuff? Has either of you broached the subject of a second date?

@DudefromThatLondon personally I take whatever people say on their profile with a massive pinch of salt and make my own mind up as to whether they are kind, funny, intelligent (although as previously mentioned I'm not a big fan of people humourlessy describing how hilarious they are - actually funny people use humour to their advantage in their profiles).

@crackofdoom no mention of a second date but will just see what happens 🙂

@jigglypuffcookie when was Date #1?
I guess lockdown means Date #2 logistically tricky

You've got me trying to remember the lag between date #1 and mention of a second meet with MrVW who isn't offer effusive or gushy. I think I sat on my hands (which was no easy undertaking as I was blown away by Date #1) for a couple of days then I asked whether we should get another date scheduled and let it hang until he said 'When are we doing Date 2 cos I'm impatient...'

Could you do a video call as an alternative to in person?

Hi, please can I join? I joined Pof last week, plenty of messages initially and then they stopped, apart from one man who seemed really nice, lives nearby, we seemed to be getting on really well on messages, agreed to meet up for a walk, he asked for a recent picture of me, and after I sent it, he’s sent very brief messages.
My self confidence is already fairly low, this has not helped!

@1stevernamechange, please don't take a drop off in communication from one guy to heart. It could be for any reason and unrelated to the picture that you sent. And even if it is just think ' tits to that' and move on. POF has a mixed reputation but so do most of them. I quite liked Tinder others use Hinge and Bumble pretty successfully.
Focus on what you are looking for, don't take any flaky behaviour on their part personally and check in with the thread here. It's been invaluable to me and loads of sensible, supportive advice on offer.

@onesmallstep thank you

Welcome @1stevernamechange

I agree definitely try other sites - pof actually doesn’t seem to have a lot of people

and a lot of guys who have profiles there are actually active on the tinder and bumble apps? There’s just more action and people there.

Also, photos - don’t let one encounter with one guy knock your confidence

(there’s lots of contacts online which leave you feeling ).

Might be a good idea to use up to date photos in general though?

Selfies are fine - if you’re going out or feeling cute snap lots of full length ones in the mirror and some face shots. Pick the best ones and you’re sorted.

(I used to be a bit embarrassed to do this as it seems quite vain, but now I have a big stock of ok looking but accurate photos to use. My opinion is most guys go by photos first).

Thanks, that’s a good idea. The photo on the site is from February and the one I sent him was April, so they aren’t that far apart, but I’ve learnt from it!

February?

The guy sounds rude and creepy in that case - sorry I thought you meant you only had obviously old or vague photos on your profile?

If a guy is pushing for photos before meeting for a date he’s being rude/weird/asking for nude photos.

@1stevernamechange FWIW I never sent pictures in response to requests for them. It seems very entitled for them to demand pictures to be honest, and an indication of someone quite shallow. Plus I knew I would be hurt if they put him off! I just put reasonably good, very recent pics in my profile.

@1stevernamechange He may have been talking to other people and has become more interested in one of them. This happens quite a lot.

I agree with loading up your profile with several pics so no need for anyone to ask for more pics.

You've made me realise that I've not refreshed my pics in the 2.5 years I've been doing online dating and some of those were taken a year before. Ooops. I should probably update them!

I think we all go by photos first - it's the nature of the apps which are designed according to the way we work. I read the profiles of those I find attractive and they can be an instant turn off - anyone looking for a knight in shining armour for example.

"Kind" or other attempts to describe themselves wouldn't bother me much at all @DudefromThatLondon. I've met 'kind' women that were fairly self focused and not especially charitable or socially conscious but they loved their children and family. There's different kinds of 'kind '
(and no judgement from me at all). It seems redundant as no one is going to flag up that they are unkind (or unfunny, or old at heart etc.)

@dancemom Yes, I think I would be available and receptive to someone but I maintain it's pretty theoretical. I don't swipe right often and was surprised to find someone matched with me yesterday ... then unsurprised to see they let the match time out today 🤷‍♂️

For photos I personally think 2-3 nice recent ones (including a full length body shot) are fine.

I remember the old days of match.com feeling I had to post a half-marathon (to show I was fit) and a travel/hiking shot (to show I was cultured) and one with friends (to show I wasn’t a loser )

Now I think it’s just people wanting to assess looks to see if they’re ok?

Thanks all, when I can get to the hairdressers again, I’ll get a nice fresh blow dry and get some pictures then, it was more awkward I think because his dd is in the same year as my dd in school, only found out through chatting.
It’s disappointing, as he did seem really nice and genuine, but I’m guessing these are harsh lessons I’m going to learn!

It’s interesting about self-description, and I totally concur with the ‘nice guy’ etc issues. I’ve also found generally that people who describe themselves as ‘sensitive’ are sensitive only to their own feelings - they are crashingly INsensitive when it comes to those of other people.

The profile message is really important to me - I have swiped on a great message even though I wasn't that inspired by the photo; have also swiped left on handsome ones who either wrote nothing or wrote badly.

And I think the self description is important - not because I believe that because someone thinks they have a GSOH I am going to find them funny, but because what they choose to mentions says something about them. If they say they're emotionally intelligent, outgoing, loyal, kind and honest they're probably bullshitting but I like what they chose. If they say they're funny, romantic, easy going, simple, house trained, sarcastic, don't take themselves too seriously they're probably bullshitting too, but I don't like what they chose and I don't think we'll get on.

He’s actually messaged this morning saying “Morning, how are you?” Now I’m confused!