Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Aw that's great @Ruralbliss - really pleased for you. I would love to find someone like that. And I would love a man to ask me away for the weekend. I sometimes think I don't merit that sort of treatment. Or maybe 4 hours of me on a date is enough for anyone haha.

@HairyArsedMan you do sound lovely! I also attach strongly when someone shows me affection (with people I have a spark with anyway - not just any old iron aha) but I had a lovely childhood. However my horrible marriage and generally unsuccessful relationship history generally means that I do seem to crave security once I like someone. If I could actually cauterize my feelings I would I think. Because nobody seems to give me what I want.

Tomorrow I have another date with Mr Ginger - he is nice and normal and has planned a nice day for us. I cancelled a date with Mr Golf tonight as am exhausted and actually know he is not for me even though he is nice. I have a few fab irons - though am wary of Fab guys, I find the directness of it terrifying. And am chatting to someone I will call Mr Professor but he is a bit serious for me.

Mr Local, on the other hand, I just see on a Tuesday and it is basically sex, we don't even attempt to go out any more. And I am really starting to get the feels for him but he's still on OK Cupid (where you can see if they are online with a green dot). In fact he is texting me now while being online there at the same time. Am wondering if he is lining up a replacement, but when we are together it is amazing. I am aware of the fact that if I was not on OKC myself I wouldn't know he was haha. But the thing is, I am forcing myself to multi-date as a safety net because I'm worried he might hurt me. And I guess he is just doing it because he is, despite saying he only wanted one FWB and 'wasn't looking to meet everyone, just find the one and make it a regular thing'. I thought I was that one but seems I am now in the consultation period for redundancy. I've never even stayed overnight. But I can't ask him can I? That's not how FWB works. I am trying not to look at all the examples of people on here like @TiggerDatter and @Sortingitout and various others in the past who have had FWBs turn into relationships, because that never happens for me. I'm definitely a 'fuck me and fuck off' kind of person obviously!

But I can't ask him can I?

Of course you can ask him! There are no 'rules'.

About ten years ago I used to have a whole coterie of FWB, I didn't go out with them, nor stay at theirs. I got feelings for one guy but ended things because it wasn't right for anything more than sex.

I did feel that having FWB was blocking me from finding a relationship though.

No update from me really. Haven't heard from Mr Dog since dragging it out of him about his daughter so I don't need to send a thanks but no thanks to another date.
Was setting up a date with a potential when I had the thought to ask him what he is looking for. He then unmatched me so I'm presuming he was just looking for sex/something casual.
I'm trying to be mindful of the decisions I make at this time of year. Not wanting to rush things or to get into a relationship just for the sake of not being single at Christmas. I'm actually enjoying being single at the moment. It's giving me a lot of free time for not only the job search but to date myself and figure out me.

@HairyArsedMan should you not be talking to Miss T about your feelings? Maybe she feels the same way about you? And yes, you do sound lovely. Nowhere near Level Dean 😁

@Ruralbliss we all know there is nothing as romantic as a mini break; I hope you get to go.

I have sweet FA going on. I've even got friends canceling on me (Covid+ so forgiven) now! Only man action is that I have to keep having to message Mr Dogs about the parking ticket I got after our first date - I'm still not interested and he's so sweet when I apologise for having to get in touch. Nobody else is biting.

@UtterSocks of course you can ask him! It’s FRIEND with benefits remember. You talk to friends, and you don’t want to hurt them. Otherwise you’re a fuck buddy, which to my mind is just a series of ONS with the same person. Doesn’t matter who gets hurt then, I guess.

@HairyArsedMan Miss T sounds a bit like my Mr Swan in some ways.

Also your schedule sounds exactly like mine. So I understand the struggle.

I totally agree @Bunkbedpeople ref the screening. I've never been proved wrong yet and in my case I just find bad dates so excruciating I can hardly bear to have them, so don't take many risks. It's all so time-consuming and emotionally draining, as you say - I can't be bothered to invest to that extent if I'm not having a laugh chatting to them and feel as though there's something there beneath the surface.

Great advice re. the 'self-care' during the dating process - it's something I struggle with but know for sure is key for me these days. Trying to edge away from intense, all-consuming love affairs....

@Onesmallstep67 - what sort of things are they and how old is he..? I would also find it frustrating if a man wasn't relatively sorted in himself - it also engages my co-dependent urges to fix or save them, which ultimately is an absolute disaster of a tactic. I think you are right to leave him to deal with these things, we are not their mothers after all...

@UtterSocks - do you think maybe you're not 'cut out' for FWB or whatever you'd want to call it? I say that as someone who also gets attached very easily - and know that the 'push/pull' of a set up like that, with feelings of intimacy and closeness and then of being rejected or not good enough, just messes with my self-esteem. From things you are saying it sounds as though your self-esteem could do with a boost, rather than being called into question that you're not 'good enough' to warrant more attention from a man (WHICH YOU ARE).

Ah I can't talk to Mr Local though because what if it ruins everything? (and yes I know Rule 12, but it isn't a relationship, and he didn't promise me stability).

I remember being in this position with Mr Beard and when I asked him one look at his face was enough. If we hadn't been at his house I think he would have fled the room. I felt like he'd punched me in the face, it is pretty horrible having to look at someone desperately trying to find a way to say 'actually I don't like you all that much, you are just a convenient shag' in a way that won't provoke violence! 😂😂😂

@WeWantTheFinestWines same boat as you friend-wise. They are either Covid + or just really nervous about going out. Tomorrow will be the first time in 15 years my mates haven't had a Halloween party - am gutted!

Oof gosh yes, I can imagine how much that hurt! I’m sorry, stupid suggestion on my part.

@freelancedolly, yes maybe I am not cut out for FWB but I didn't think I'd get attached to this one. And actually the sex is incredible and is going to be very hard to give up. I had a pretty sexless marriage and then was single for a long time afterwards and so am on a bit of a sexual journey. Unfortunately the one guy who really seemed to care for me (Mr Bike) was utterly terrible in bed and I couldn't get past that. Typical!

I'm sort of OK with Mr Local not wanting to get involved in my life or anything, it isn't that aspect of FWB that bothers me. I just want to not be the one he is shagging while he looks for someone else to shag. Because that's a bloody low bar even for me

@TiggerDatter not a stupid suggestion at all, just one I'm not robust enough to try again! Hence my tactic of trying to replace him before he replaces me because it's the most cowardly and half assed approach I could find! 😳

*And when I was younger (mid thirties now) I was emotionally open to meeting all kinds of people/giving them a chance. So I’d meet dates just to “tick that box for the week”.

But now I feel that consistently meeting people who are, say, 60% ok is just emotionally draining?
Same applies to friendships as well as dating.

I don’t live in an episode of Sex and the city, that’s just fantasy. Going for a couple months without a date is fine*

Wise words bunkbedpeople, wise words indeed.

Myself, I'm pretty happy in FWB land right now. Regularly chatting with Mr Double Decker and Mr BigCityBoy - who, I feel, is massively regretting having cancelled last weekend due to Covid related issues, especially as I was all like "No worries at all! I had lovely sex with someone else, actually!" . He isn't going away imminently now, so I guess we'll probably meet next weekend (I've got the kids this weekend).

Mr Double Decker is continuing to be surprisingly admirable- he gave me some extremely astute advice about a work related issue right now- and has just revealed that he has found somewhere to park his van and take stock while he looks for a house- and it's 3 miles down the road from me. He didn't realise it was so close! Nice to have someone within walking distance, especially if we go into a tougher lockdown! (still Tier 1 down here...so far). I'm also still chatting to the other Man from Wales, who is raring to come down for a visit when they lift lockdown there.

I know this FWB situation isn't sustainable longterm, but right now it has effected a magical transformation in me - I don't care anymore. And what I mean about that is- no heart in mouth, no checking my messages 100x a day, no grinding anxiety if someone hasn't been in touch, no angst....if one of them hasn't been in touch for a couple of days that's all fine, if they do that's really nice. After an entire adult lifetime of stressing, this feels wonderful!

You’re doing the same to each other though @UtterSocks

Yeh sort of I suppose @TiggerDatter - but it was him who was adamant it was just a casual thing but monogamous. I never really stated what my goalposts were but took it at face value and assumed if people say the only want one person, they mean it. But I am really, really dumb and as someone said to me, why would a reasonably hot guy only have sex once a week if he could get it more (and he isn't getting it more with me). He lives alone and isn't particularly busy so am assuming he has a roster now ahaha.

Anyway just seen news of a probable national full lockdown again so that will put paid to everyone dating yet again. And I won't have the gym to stop the crazy. Am praying it won't happen! At least we had sunshine last time.

@uttersocks I had just come on here to post that there is a potential national lockdown to be announced by Wednesday. I am hoping it won't happen but it probabaly will.

@UtterSocks
My FWB turned boyfriend should not be seen as something that happens all the time.
The whole scenario was fate/luck and could have been so different.

I'm sure that me being so adamant about never having a relationship again after my crap marriage played a huge part in it, i was genuinely looking for a new casual sex partner, by some luck found a completely sane person from Fab who lived 10 minutes away who also thought like me.
I honestly didnt see the transition from FWB to boyfriend and was rather shocked when he announced that he thought we were more than FWB (after we had added in walks and stuff) but actually others hsd seen for ages it was more.
I think as i wasnt looking for a relationship the thought hadnt crossed my mind and i was quite happy as i was.

It could have been so different, with thousands of men on Fab what if we had never been online at the same time or what if i deleted his message (as i usually did with the majority), what if we didnt fancy each other, what if the sex wasnt great, what if he didnt live so close - so many variables that could have changed the outcome.

Honestly the chances of this happening (especially for cynical old me) are so remote - 1 in millions.

I'm not saying it wont happen for you but going into a FWB hoping for a relationship when the other person has been clear on their intentions of FWB is never good as you're not on the same page and someone ends up getting hurt and it appears to be you.

I dont know how you control the oxytocin flowing through you the next day and giving you the feels.
Clearly my heart was made of stone and my emotions hidden behind a huge brick wall as i never got the feels except with Mr K and that was a very slow burn as i never saw him as any more than a sex partner.

For the record @UtterSocks I suggested the weekend away.

Looks like a lockdown imminent if press is to be believed 😣 so, I've snoozed apps as no point chatting aimlessly with anyone if little chance of meeting - especially given my track record for irons flaking on me 🤦‍♀️😆

@slothmomma I am either going to hide myself on the apps or delete and re-start in the new year. I got ghosted in lockdown by someone I had gone on 3 dates with so I don't want to start any conversations during lockdown and they turn out to be different in person. I was going to take a break in December anyway so it will just be a slightly longer break from November until the new year

dancerinthemoonlight I had the same over the last lockdown too with an iron so don't want to be messed about again just whilst someone is bored and wanting to kill some time

@slothmomma I have already had that, was having a nice talk with a potential when he asked what I was looking for so I said and he told me he was just looking to fill some time because it's not as if you can meet anyone. He un matched me when I said I wasn't looking to fill my time and said the ways in which people could still meet even in tier 2; I would have unmatched him after that anyway

We’ll still be able to do socially distanced walks ! Which I like, even in the winter. As an outdoorsy type it’s been my observation that we don’t often get the really harshly cold/icy weather until January/February ... so it’s time for all to start saving for that warm weather week in the Canaries at the end of January 🙂 Seriously, having something to look forward to will help with this next lockdown, so maybe dating shouldn’t be thrown on the scrap heap.

@WeWantTheFinestWines I don’t see an inclination for anything else from her side so I think it’s down to me to deal with it. We have a good time together but it’s me that instigates things, and that’s making me uneasy - I don’t want to project my stuff on to her. I’m taking a polite step back, hopefully for the best.

I only started this 'round' of dating during lockdown and absolutely couldn't understand what would drive people on the apps to say they are just looking to fill their time - what on earth is the point? Mr Musician - man-o-many-promises but actually just your common or garden Tinder predator - was furloughed and I realised all too late that for him and his obsessive character, Tinder provided the perfect outlet for him - non stop diversion from the fact his career was imploding and he had nowhere else to put his energy having previously worked a 6-7 day week in London. Aaaanyway

Looks like a trip to the Canaries next weekend might be the only way two non co-habiting people might be able to actually see each other - having said that (and joking apart) thankfully we have not yet booked the hotel and I'll be watching Boris's announcement at 4pm with baited breath.

It's all so weird, these early stages of dating someone - on the one hand it feels a lot more sane and equal than I've mostly had before and I'm quietly optimistic that even if things don't work out, perhaps I'll feel okay about it because we both seem capable of behaving like respectful adults, on the other hand I sense both of us slightly racing ahead on occasion and then reining it in and that makes me feel unsettled. I don't feel giddy or out of control, and that is very very good for me as I massively tend towards over-investing, losing sight of my own priorities and going into daydreaming about romance mode

@crackofdoom - that really does sound like the perfect scenario - freedom from the obsessing and enjoying what IS... fabulous.

With the worst timing possible, I crumbled and paid for a month on match so I could see the likes and messages. I suppose I hope a socially distanced walk will still be possible. Almost definitely not worth it. The usual selection of illiterate Deans...

And I'm getting Tinder matches over 80 miles away - when I've set it to max 50. Again, pointless.

In other news, I have enough flour, pasta and loo rolls to get me through lockdown 2.0 - so give me a shout if you run out of supplies. As long as you're no more than 50 miles away of course...

@HairyArsedMan if it feels one-sided it seems safe to treat it as so... good luck 💐

We’ll still be able to do socially distanced walks !

We weren't allowed that during the first full lock down though. Just one hour, from your front door, alone or with your own household.

This will be a lot more depressing in winter, much as I like walking (did ten miles in the rain today with two friends) if it's the only thing I can do it's going to be tricky.