Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Fuck @Slothmomma that's a bad run of poor luck.

What the hell is going on with all those blokes changing their tune or entire personality....?

No wonder you are feeling annoyed by OLD. Maybe a little break to have time to gird your kind and lick wounds.

I have no further advice but didn't want to read and run.

@Dancerinthemoonlight yep all of that dragging and abandoning a baby/pregnant woman would be an almighty turn off for me even without the suspect timeline and undertones of cheating. Good for you for letting that one go.

@TiggerDatter I'm very curious to know how your slow burn FWB turned into a 20 month exclusive.

I'm in new territory with an iron who appears to tick many of my must haves but has not long been single. He reckons he's not looking to chat to anyone else other than me and I'm on the same vibe now (was dabbling on the apps but everyone seemed rubbish by comparison) but I'm taking it uncharacteristically slowly with not many comms between dates just one line texts a couple of times a day.

There is no over exuberant love bombing or compliments and we appear to have a huge amount of fundamental things in common plus the chemistry is certainly there.

I feel oddly ambivalent which is a great place to be. Not being rushed into anything but seeing each other onceish a week.

Feel like I have a new FB and never certain of I'll see him again after each date. But I'm not bending over to try to make him like me just being authentic & hands off and so far that's working for both of us.

We met early 2019 on Fab, non-exclusive weekly/biweekly FWB until the beginning of this year. It’s just grown and grown really, with loads of wobbles on my side but incredible steadiness on his 🤷‍♀️

slothmomma I'm feeling exactly the same.

Lots of matches but chat dries up or they vanish. And seems the only men on tinder in my area are men working up the road on Hs2,who are only here for a certain time and probably married?

I wont get down about it as I know someone will pop up soon( I've been saying this for 2yrs though!)

Thanks ruralbliss

kerkyra I'm trying not to get down about it but I've been single nearly 4 years now and just can't see that changing based on my recent matches

Nice one @TiggerDatter

I realised I've rushed headlong into every romantic relationship I've ever had from Date#1 declarings of 'You're sooo amazing'
Finally dawned on me that this approach has really been a loser way of operating and very interested in the cool, calm and take each encounter as it comes approach...

@Ruralbliss please don’t think for a minute that I am cool or calm! I’m pretty shambolic and flip flop about quite a bit. I never expected it to last. But there is a strong base in that we are sexually v compatible, we never argue, and we don’t compete on any level. It’s been like that from day 1. He is steady where I’m not, I am driven where he is not. I guess with both our similarities and our differences, we just fit together. It’s a bloody fluke.

There was a wee couple messages from Mr Castle and I asked him if he had any free time over the weekend, he's off hiking. I suggested Tuesday or Wednesday and he's not yet replied. I will make my own plans if needs been and if I'm busy so be it.

Had lunch with Mr Swan, his relationship is still on so not sure why he's had such a turbulent week, I didn't push for details. We did have a nice chat and he was super touched by his presents.
My job today was to make him feel valued and I think I did that. He'll spend tomorrow with his family.

Hello! I was wondering if I could also join this thread - reading many posts has helped navigate the start of online dating, so thank you everyone - even the silent surfers are benefitting! I was wondering though (and can't find anywhere on google) what does iron stand for???
I've had a couple of OLD and am trying to get the hang of not thinking after 1 date that they're the one... honestly... even the awful dates I tend to still think I can get past any of the red flags then usually get ghosted or dumped by people I don't totally want either. Am an idiot! 🤣 xx

@lifeasweknowit82
Irons is irons in the fire

Good luck with your dating journey

Resinate with lots of comments on here re dropping of chats etc
I find that the longer my messaging go on I can analyse the flow more. My current one I'm trying to see when he messages me first or if he ever asks me how I am
Sometimes feels all one way so trying to hold back which I know inevitably will mean zero chat. Then I'll have to start again from zero

Why do they make it hard work ?

@daisymat I have friends who have said to persevere even if the chat isn’t flowing but in my experience if we don’t gel enough to quickly move to WhatsApp and then arrange to meet soon after it is for good reason - I recently met a few guys from Tinder for coffee dates, none of whom really excited me chat wise bit it was local and easy to meet because we were all wfh. In each case I thought afterwards I could have predicted there would be no spark from our chat beforehand. They do say people are either visual, verbal, or feeling oriented (something like that anyway 😬) and I think the verbal connection is crucial for me.

@freelancedolly I like to meet within a couple of weeks to see if there's a spark etc. But these days even that's proving difficult.
I'm being more selective at matching stage particularly with opening messages so not many getting through to next stage! I'm picky and maybe need to change tactic , could be letting a good one slip through

Another long weekend ahead as my one iron is working. May start Xmas 🛍!!

Yeh definitely agree @freelancedolly and @daisymat about better initial screening.

I don’t mean like rejecting someone if they’re not between 5’10 and 5’11 with eyes a light shade of blue who work in a particular science field and like cycling (but not running).

But if my gut says they’re not “easy” to interact with 99% of the time I’m right

I know the accepted wisdom for a while was “it’s a numbers game”.

And when I was younger (mid thirties now) I was emotionally open to meeting all kinds of people/giving them a chance. So I’d meet dates just to “tick that box for the week”.

But now I feel that consistently meeting people who are, say, 60% ok is just emotionally draining?
Same applies to friendships as well as dating.

I don’t live in an episode of Sex and the city, that’s just fantasy. Going for a couple months without a date is fine.

So much mental energy in forcing and maintaining interactions which should never have got off the ground in the first place. I’m introverted too so it uses up a lot of my energy!

If someone is a bit terse or awkward in initial contact or we just don’t get each other, sleeping together or getting drunk or getting to a third date wont magically improve things.

So how are everyone's weekend plans and dates lining up? I sometimes feel like we should do a roll call of how everything is going for everyone. I've been on the threads here for months and I get quite invested in how the regulars are doing. I have also learned so much from the advice and opinions shared here.
I'm seeing Mr V tomorrow. Not seen him in the week as I have been tackling a big clear out and decluttering ahead of the decorator arriving next week. Still assessing whether Mr V is truly a long term prospect. I fancy him a lot and think he's a genuinely good guy but aspects of his more chaotic life concern me. He clearly wants to deal with things but I am not sure he has the ability to. I could help but it's all a bit heavy for someone I have known barely a year. All financial really. Although I also think I am much more savvy about these aspects of life. He's never had to make big decisions. Sorry bit of a brain dump.
Happy Friday everyone. Looking forward to the weekend chats and dates updates.

My update:

Still waiting on MrC, got some nice messages yesterday and random photos of ship equipment . Don’t dare to ask when possible return date might be as then I’ll end up expecting it and being disappointed if it’s not on.

Definitely think in terms of dating going full on in tackling my own emotional and mental stuff rather than trying to “lose myself” in an intense dating situation has worked well.

Just generally unfucked my habitat prior to any winter lockdown, cleared contact with ex-friends who are needy/socially difficult (didn’t have time before summer due to exams). Striving for a good yoga/meditation/exercise routine.

I wouldn’t say I’m like incredibly happy (never am) but clearing emotional space is a journey I’d like to continue.

Like many others right now, money is a bit tense - got an interview for some extra freelance work next week so fingers crossed.

Cost of dating is an issue.

Someone mentioned earlier that dating is expensive and I agree - although generally the guy tends to pay for first couple of dates, it’s hard going halves/taking turns when the guys on a much higher disposable income?

I’m personally happy going for walks and free art galleries and packed lunches. And I can spend £10-15 a week and feel I’ve eaten well. Second nature to re-use, eBay, buy second hand. Overall I’m happy with my quality of life.

MrC is offshore and they didn’t invent the phrase “spends like a drunken sailor on shore leave” for no reason. I “think” he’s financially ok - he doesn’t seem to have the stupid flash car or motorbikes (on massive loans ) but that’s something to be mindful of. Especially as it can be a bit “boom and bust”.

(I do know women who partnered up with offshore guys, felt they had to “keep up” and now have loans to pay off . And a partner who lost his job when the oil price crashed)

So that’s something to watch out for a bit. Might need a conversation

I’m off to the cinema, Halloween screening, on a single person date tomorrow with ME and looking forward to it very much bringing my own cheap sweets obviously.

@Bunkbedpeople, clearing emotional space is such a great term. I had a similar period prior to meeting Mr V. 18 months of not really looking for a potential partner, just allowing myself time to adjust after several difficult years. I think sometimes those periods of re centering your life are crucial. When people on here suggest a break from OLD it really is a good idea. I have posted previously about how my personal choice would be to be in a relationship so I think I will always be someone who is looking for that ( long term ). Short term I have had a lot of ' fun' and would happily (?) go back to that if things end with Mr V. You can't plan these things so at this point in my life I may as well embrace the here and now.
Bunkbed your cinema trip sounds great. I've been kind of stuck home with my 15 yr old who is having to isolate because several in her yr at school tested positive for Corona

My Dad worked offshore @bunkbedpeople in exploration - it’s dangerous work. Something to factor in to the attitude to being back onshore.

@Onesmallstep67 Good idea on the roll call. Have a couple of friendships: Miss T, you all know, had a great time together a while back now, suggestions for things to do were floated but not planned. No plans to meet though I am free this weekend and would enjoy her company. We message frequently most days and it’s still great fun 3 months on. It’s mostly compartmentalised though - we don’t much go into what’s going on in our lives.

The other friend Miss WantsFWB - pulled out of an activity today due to family commitments. She had said she can’t meet me as a friend if there is no prospect of anything developing but knows I don’t want a FWB situation. She sees my availability as a parent as being an issue. We keep in touch sporadically and I like her company. She often flakes on plans, which I accept as I think it’s best she pursues romantic opportunities as she’s time rich.

I had a date last week with a Miss OnTheBeach and thought she was really cool and we had fun on the date. We said we’d meet again but have scheduling issues - may well be end of Nov. when we can meet up for something socially distanced. Messaging is infrequent with her but she was engaging in person.

@Bunkbedpeople I really admire your approach - especially ‘unfucking your habitat’. I’m doing the same right now - catharsis, anyone?

I hope Mr C comes through for you.

@Slothmomma sounds like you have had a run of bad luck. It’s not you, it’s them, but it is dispiriting isn’t it?

@Bunkbedpeople love your approach. I am having counselling (post difficult marriage and pre difficult divorce) and have nailed my fitness goals but still finding it hard to have a properly focused and positive attitude to difficult things like sorting my finances. Am very avoidant. I do try though ...

@Onesmallstep67 I’m realising my preference is also to be in a relationship. But also after SO long without sex, if FWB is all I’m offered I am taking it. My problem is I get the feels easily if anyone shows me affection. So this is proving an issue with Mr Local. At the moment our deal is every Tuesday. Absolutely incredible sex but he is also nice, warm, affectionate and fun company. So even though he is totally unsuitable I am struggling not to feel for him. It isn’t that I want us to ever merge lives so don’t know what my issue is really. I think it’s because he said he only wanted one regular FWB and then I spotted him on OKC. So am worried I am now in the consultation phase for redundancy ahaha 😂

@HairyArsedMan lots going on with you! So be honest- which of your irons is the one you most like? Or do they all have things that appeal but you are still looking for someone who is the full package? What is it you want from a relationship?

My large roster of irons from last week has been brutally whittled down - proving my theory about the need to multi date due to high level of attrition.

Mr Kinder - smaller and thinner IRL and utterly different hair. We had a lovely lunch together and mutually agreed no spark so all very civilised and fine

Mr Knight - ghosting bastard

Mr Bike - I friend zoned him. Genuinely nice guy who really cared. Just no sexual attraction

Mr Ginger - seeing tomorrow. Great guy but feel a bit ambiguous. Worth another go though.

Now have a few more lined up but early days to name them. Am struggling with my feelings for Mr Local TBH. But actually might just be the utterly wicked sex and subsequent massive hormonal hit!

@Onesmallstep67 my update : still seeing Mr Yoga, 4 months now. Seeing him this weekend now he is softening his stance on lock down regulations though not sure what will happen if we enter tier 3

I'm down to one iron and apps being left untouched as had utterly brilliant 4th date (second sleepover) with Mr VW. No reason to feel insecure and will just enjoy seeing where this one goes.

Quite enjoying the minimal contact between dates as loads to then chat about rather than the 24/7 stream of consciousness comms I signed up to with previous romances.

We are both busy and have full-on lives but clearly have a great deal of fun when together, on same wavelength and enjoy the same leisure things.
He's kind and thoughtful but not overtly (lovebomby) so - just nice touches.
Agreed to go away on a weekend citybreak Covid permitting in a few weeks time so that's all booked but grateful to see Airbnb cancellation policy means we can cancel up to the day before if we go off one another.

Ps. Very inspired by the unfucking of habitats. I'm going to do this weekend too!

@UtterSocks It's very common for those that didn't have a great upbringing with distan/absentt or cold parents to respond/attach strongly to crumbs of affection. Add in a series of relationships where that pattern has been established and ... well .. you end up in that place of avoidance. Which is where I am right now.

I'm not sure lots is going on - I've had a week without spending time with anyone, and arranging anything seems to be a logistical nightmare. To answer your question honestly - the friendship with Miss T is getting quite difficult because I like her a lot. There is genuine rapport and closeness between us - something I've seldom found in online dating. However I have put off asking her if she would like to do stuff recently as I don't want to be bothersome.

I got back into dating last week to fend off such thoughts and enjoyed the first date with MissOnTheBeach but she didn't really disclose her lack of availability until after meeting me, which rings of not really being that into me.

Miss WantsFWB is definitely not offering the type of relationship I want but we've known each other for a couple of years and have a kind of investment in each others lives as fellow travellers. Definitely just friends. I never quite got why she hasn't hit paydirt with online dating as she's tall, gorgeous, fit and intelligent but says she connects with rotters always. I like her but the timing has always been bad (she caught me in a couple of not feeling dating moments) and there's just not the relaxed flow state between us that seems to occur so easily with Miss T.

Realistically with childcare, work, a relationship would involve sharing one or two evenings together every other week, and possibly every other weekend. I'm not looking to cohabit, be possessive and restrict someone's freedoms - just looking for a coming together of like minds and shared quality time where there is a potential for growth. The time availability, I feel really anxious about, because of the risk of someone thinking I am short changing them out of a 'proper' relationship. That makes me hold back - I don't want to mention it because it smacks of distancing, but it's a constraint.

We all want a @HairyArsedMan lol