Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

fb he said he done after an argument.

Knob.

@VanGoghsDog if I've met someone I will always give a reason for mot seeing them again. But probably not if we are just chatting on the app. I like to move to WA quite quickly if we are engaging in a good conversation. I've had lots of conversations dry up. And I've probably done the same.

I think this is interesting to read perspectives on just unmatching someone from the app. I tend to move to WhatsApp fairly quickly if there is decent riffing between us, and if there isn't I find that becomes apparent on the app quickly too - so I never feel guilty about unmatching someone I've been chatting to because I don't think I've ever been in the situation where I've had a good rapport with someone that I've done that to. I find it next to impossible to get to that point with anyone and when I do, I tend to stop chatting with other people very much and it all fizzles out.

Thanks for all the perspectives on whether to go away - we're going to wait and see what the advice is if it changes at all (from research it looks like Canaries are in the UK's travel corridor but Canaries are considering requesting a negative Covid test - I'm not put off by having to get one and do wfh so being quarantined wouldn't affect me). As to why travel in a pandemic - I think this all comes down to personal choice - I could say I'm trying to do my bit to help the ailing travel industry but I'd probably be lying

@Ruralbliss on reflection I think my tendency if there are pleasant convos going on is to just stop replying to them - this is possibly worse, I don't know, but I think they get the message, are probably used to it as it happens back to me and I don't think much of it, then occasionally I go down the list and unmatch everyone I haven't spoken to for a while.

@freelancedolly I booked a deluxe hotel away for two nights for a Date #3 with an iron. Didn't regret it but felt at the time I was glad my car was outside and I was in the UK...

Yeesss.... I really know what you mean. I am still pondering (no need to decide soon anyway really... can't imagine flights being sold out) and the thing that makes me think 'aahhh but this will be FINE! ' is that we get on very well and really make each other laugh. It feels very natural. BUT I'm fully aware that's a kind of 'said everyone ever before making the same mistake' kind of thing to say so - who knows??

Had my date/walk with the local iron. I will call him Mr Dog; nothing amazing but then nothing terrible. It was nice, had a little walk with his dog, a few pecks but not a proper kiss and then I gave him a lift back to his. His dog was nice although it really needs training and humped my leg a few times. I would see him again to see if there was something there as we only spent an hour together, he was preoccupied with his dog and only had a peck not a proper kiss.

I still don't get why men don't put their real height unless they actually think they are that tall. On Bumble Mr Dog's height is 5'11 but he is actually 5'8 roughly

@freelancedolly don’t get me wrong, I’m all for adventure and risk - but travelling through the weirdness that is airports during covid with a stranger for three days in November in the Canaries? Nah, a cottage in the English countryside with a hot tub after a one hour max journey would be my preference. (Mmm happy memories....)

@Dancerinthemoonlight

maybe he added his height to the height of his dog, they come as a team

MrC apparently delayed more. Not 100% happy, so going to sleep on it and see how I feel tomorrow or over next couple days.

I suppose I was quite lucky for dating him initially as he was at home and could give me his full attention - but this is a bit shit. Chat was pleasant but not really sure what to say.

It’s always tough working out how much to accept guys with challenging work schedules.

On one hand it’s attractive if someone is mindfully on
a career path they enjoy and are proud of rather than a “I just happened to take the first steady job that would have me” type

On the other hand, as I’m not planning to blend lives or finances or have children, obviously if someone is slogging their guts out for big pay cheques or promotions and has no time to date then it doesn’t seem worth it?

@Bunkbedpeople 😂 he was at the dog groomers around the corner to me so I didn't go out of my way to meet him. I think it's worth a second date without the dog to see if there is anything. He is nice but I'm not sure if he is for me but as there is no ick etc it could just be a slow burner.

@Bunkbedpeople I'm talking to a few who have told me what a typical weeks look for them and I wonder if they would actually find time for a date let alone seeing someone regularly week in week out. I suppose it's a case of seeing if they make time for you from the time they have available or if they would rather be seeing the boys, playing games etc

But @TiggerDatter... we did that LAST week I think we may have peaked too soon having our first sleepover at a romantic country bolthole... I do get your point although would protest (weakly) that obviously he doesn't feel like a stranger. I would not normally be even vaguely aroused by the thought of the Canaries but it's been a shitty few weeks (I'm mid way through redundancy negotiations; he's just concluded his) and frankly the thought of 3 days' sun in a lovely hotel is very appealing.

@Dancerinthemoonlight WHY do they lie about it? It's such a pointless fib.

@Bunkbedpeople - I like your theory about the height including the dog - it makes perfect sense . What is the deal with his work schedule? I think at my stage in life a compatibility with schedules is pretty important because often it's an insurmountable difference. It's not easy to find someone who wants the same level of intensity, at the same points during the week, and who I can bear to spend any time talking to - in fact with me it often feels like a Venn diagram with non-intersecting circles.

[quote Notcoolmum]@VanGoghsDog if I've met someone I will always give a reason for mot seeing them again. But probably not if we are just chatting on the app. I like to move to WA quite quickly if we are engaging in a good conversation. I've had lots of conversations dry up. And I've probably done the same. [/quote]
Yeah, I wasn't suggesting anyone doesn't give a reason.

Just that upthread a guy told someone he had been talking to someone he felt had 'long term potential' (so basically he didn't want to invest in two people at once) and everyone was horrified at how rude he was (ftr, I don't think this was rude or unkind, assuming it was true, and it's an odd thing to make up) and then we have someone saying they tell people they don't want to speak to more than one person so they drop the others and this is OK.

I don't get it.

Whatever the reason you don't want to see someone doesn't really matter, you don't have to see them, carry on chatting. etc. You don't have to tell them the truth. It's good if you can try not to hurt their feelings but unless you literally tell them they are too fat, boring or smelly (or, in my recent case, crap in bed) or something (which I assume most normal adults would not) then they should just accept what you say. And if they don't accept what you say, what you say is not the issue!

Fwiw - I never say it's because I've met someone else, mainly because it never has been, I simply say it's not right for me, or not working etc. But I honestly don't see anything wrong with saying there's someone you're more interested in - on OLD that's the way it falls!

And yeah, conversations dry up - I have 5 now with 'your move' where I am so uninspired by their messages I've not replied. And that's fine too. I won't be telling them anything. I won't unmatch them either probably. I've unmatched a few recently though, like the tantric non-vanilla sex guy (2nd message that was!).

@freelancedolly just found out that he has a child. No mention of he/she on our walk or in the car. No I have children thing on bumble. Fine he was honest when I asked but why should I have to ask all the time and double check. I have asked how old and how much he sees him/her.
I don't know if I do want to date a man with a child. I am child free and able to go where I want and when I want (of course not in covid times). I have dated a man with children before and it did have an impact on the relationship

Ha ha @freelancedolly in that case do it again this week 😂. No, you do you. In these weird times I believe we should grasp happiness whenever and wherever we can. Sorry about the redundancies.

Quick update from me. I’ve not seen Mr GN since Friday, I won’t again until Monday. I’m missing him very badly. Really beginning to think this frozen heart might have finally thawed out 💕

@Dancerinthemoonlight - yes that is just weird not to mention a child. And it's exhausting playing Cluedo and having to think about whether or not you have asked all the relevant questions at any given point. Having children in the frame definitely affects things. He's not sounding like a keeper at this point!

@TiggerDatter - thanks - it's such a weird time for everyone isn't it... before Covid I knew my time at my company was coming to an end (it's a project so was always a defined time scale to some degree) and the announcements were delayed in March - weirdly I've gone from feeling terrified of it all to feeling relieved to now know when it's ending, and also given other people's situations I do have gratitude for the fact my company are being generous with the package etc - things could be worse and I'm more aware of that now than I think I would have been otherwise. What's your situation with MrGN - do you see more of him normally?

I have to confess to having read the news this morning ref Covid and am unsure the Canaries idea has any legs at all given the rapid increase in infections. The news is all so depressing about it all I rarely delve into it these days.

@VanGoghsDog - I think the bit I balked at was comparing one person to another and telling one that the other had 'long term potential' - there's just no need to say that to someone, is there? It's a devaluing statement that has no effect other than to make one person feel lesser than the other.

I chatted to a guy once who was perfectly nice but during the conversation revealed the extent of his perfectionism when choosing a partner - one previous date was gluten-intolerant and he said it would NEVER work with her because he really enjoyed baking ()... aanyway - when I checked in with him the next day he responded saying that on reflection he had gone through our chat and decided that he didn't think that we were compatible so wished me well and said goodbye - maybe it was because I agreed with him but I thought he handled it really well and the way he put it was perfect - there's no need to get personal about someone when you haven't even met them and it can just be framed in terms of compatibility or whatever.

@freelancedolly I am craving sun right now so I'd jump at the chance. I'd have to pay my half though. In non Covid times I travelled to a European city for a 3rd date with someone. It was spontaneous and exciting and I don't regret doing it. I did pay for my own flights.

Yes @Notcoolmum - agreed re. thought of sunshine. He's offered to pay for the hotel/flights (he does owe me though - I paid for the last one) and if we go I thought if he does that I would pay for all the food/drinks to even it out. I am normally a stickler for paying my way although like to do it more by taking in turns than splitting things down the middle.

@Dancerinthemoonlight

Agree that is weird - you didn’t seem mega keen on him anyway so might put this one back in the sea?

I’m childfree by choice and wouldn’t date someone with children.

I try to get in the question about children and past marriages ASAP (though I also agree you shouldn’t have to drag it out of them).

“So, what’s your relationship history been like, any children or divorces? I’ll go first, I’ve been divorced but no children”

It generally seems to open up conversation fine.

(another one thats good to ask is “have you done much dating?” The answer is often quite informative )

Interestingly there’s a good looking guy/youngish/great job I’ve “seen around” on most of the dating sites for YEARS, and only recently I saw his profile had added “I’ve got a child if that makes a difference”.

@freelancedolly

Yy to the Venn diagram of schedules. However “cool” someone is if it’s not convenient it’s not a goer!

MrC is an offshore worker so gets salaried to be “on-call” at home and then gets additional pay to go work away for about 100 days a year (but fairly intensive when he does).

I don’t mind this situation long-term if things went that way.

I met him when he was at home so doing nothing and very available (plus seemed to be prioritising meeting me/offered to come help with DIY. So all good).

Now he’s away doing the hard bit and has been since end of August.

(Actually even writing this down is helpful - he hasn’t been away THAT long, I think it just seems longer because I’m wfh and so although I’m getting stuff done days seem to drag a bit.

Plus I’ve been feeling a bit uncertain/lonely/directionless in OTHER areas of my life so I think that’s being transferred onto him )

I sat on my hands last night and didn't message Mr Castle, he messaged late last night reminiscing about our fun. I sent a nice reply this morning. I'd love to see him this weekend for way more fun.

@freelancedolly thanks for asking, yes MrGN has become my weektime lodger since lockdown but is away for half term. We’ve been seeing each other for 20 months, exclusively since January, initially as FWB. So I’m not really ‘dating’ any more and should probably get off this thread - I just take an awfully long time to move on emotionally, and to be honest I enjoyed my wild two years on Tinder so much, most of the time I don’t feel like I’m ‘settled down’ 🤢. I guess this is the ultimate slow but steady burn!

@freelancedolly and @bunkbedpeople

It ended up getting far more complicated. She is nearly 2 but not his ex girlfriends. Just some woman he slept with. Not sure the child is his as he thinks the woman slept with someone else the week before.
His time line doesn't add up. He has been single for 2 year, with his ex for about a year and a half but the little girl is only nearly 2 so to me that adds up as him cheating on his ex.

Just seems like too much drama for me. In 2 years a paternity test could have been done. I had to ask the same question several time and basically drag it out of him over text. Back in the sea he goes

Same here @TiggerDatter but this thread feels like home. 16 months with me and Mr B and I'm definitely not dating right now.

@Dancerinthemoonlight I find the idea they haven't tested paternity really weird. Either he's happy the child is his so he has taken on the responsibility as dad. Or he uses the lack of certainty to dodge his way out of paying maintenance and contact. If he was with the mum I could understand not wanting to know if there was doubt and just taking the child on. But after a supposed one night stand i would think confirming paternity would be the right thing to do for all involved. I'd give him a wide berth.

Feeling so despondent about old at the moment. Genuinely don't believe I'll find my one from it and its just a way a killing time whilst remaining single for the rest of my life 🤦‍♀️

My most recent irons:

Mr smiley - great date, extended into early hours having gone on to a club. Next day second date arranged then ghosted

Iron 2 - chatting for a week, calling me every day, really hit it off. Date arranged. Cancelled morning of due to him being "ill" then ghosted

Iron 3 - great first date. Second date few days later. Completely different person with misogynist views. We disagreed. Texted me after saying he'd like to date 😱 i replied saying we aren't a match and wished him well.

Iron 4 - chatting and calling for a week. Hit it off again. Date arranged but postponed to next day due to his work commitments. Fine. Morning of date he starts putting together his excuse story. Finally confirmed 20 mins before I had to leave that date couldn't go ahead - I was already ready obviously by this time 🤬 I unmatched and blocked

I seem to be attracting losers 🤦‍♀️